Would you date someone with a terminal form of brain cancer?

  • theob

    Posts: 64

    May 20, 2014 12:29 AM GMT
    I met an amazing person this weekend. Someone who is intelligent, attractive, athletic, caring, emotionally available... and just nice.

    There is one problem. He has brain cancer. It is inoperable. Radiation does not cure it. The median life expectancy with treatment is 15 months. Some people get to 5 years but it's rare.

    He's probably gonna die soon.

    Just having been with him for one day has changed my life. It's been an incredible eye opener. He is only 22 years old. If he doesn't make it, it will be a real tragedy.

    I've been wrestling with all sorts of thoughts lately. He is a beautiful wonderful guy who deserves to be with someone. He deserves not to be defined or limited by his cancer, at least for the small amount of time he has left. He deserves to have someone who cares about him in his last days.

    At the same time, if I choose to be with him, I am exposing myself to a level of grief I have probably never experienced in my entire life. It will hurt immeasurably to lose him. I know that I won't be the same person afterwards. I'm probably already not the same person even after just having gone on one date with him.

    Ultimately, it is my choice to be with him or not. I don't feel obligated to be with him - morally or otherwise. I just wanted to know if anyone has been through something similar or might have some insight from personal experience.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 12:36 AM GMT
    You can still show you care for him without dating him. I don't think you should become too attached to him as a safeguard for yourself. Show him you are his friend but anything more than that can mean great heartache for you as you already pointed out.
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    May 20, 2014 12:52 AM GMT
    Here's another perspective: what is happening to him could happen to you, or me, or Bill or any one of us, and it could happen after getting very attached and falling in love. What then? icon_wink.gif



  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 20, 2014 12:55 AM GMT
    If he was a great guy, sure ... Make his last days on earth phenomenal
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    May 20, 2014 1:11 AM GMT
    I just went through a breakup and thank goodness my bf (ex) didn't die... at least i still have hope... but at the same time it's the hope that's killing me... When my pets died, it was horrible, but the worst part of the pain was over after a few weeks because there was NOTHING I could do to bring my pet birds back to life...

    As for my bf who broke up with me... I've been having intense, on-going pain for the last 8 weeks. Why? Because he still talked to me, he still saw me once last month, and I still feel like there's a chance that we could get back together.

    If you do date this guy, and he doesn't make it, just realize that the pain won't be ongoing for months or even years -.- cuz once he's gone, at least he won't keep getting your hopes up over and over again by talking to you or seeing you.
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    May 20, 2014 1:31 AM GMT
    Live in the present, not for what could happen tomorrow. If you pass up this opportunity, you might actually be missing out on something very good. And if you fall in love with him, it actually is better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved at all. Again, live in the present and go day by day, don't think about hurt in the future, because that is a bridge you can only cross when you get to it.
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    May 20, 2014 2:41 AM GMT
    Oh theob -- your post makes me teary eyed. If I were in your situation I'd like to think that I would go ahead and date this guy. It sounds like the two of you have a real connection. We're all of us terminal cases -- some of us may have 15 months left while others of us may have many years left but at a certain level we all have mortality in common, just as you and he do. So go ahead and make the most of whatever time you might have to be together. Of course I'm not standing in your shoes. But I wish for you emotional strength and clarity as you figure out what you want to do and I hope your friend is able to enjoy life as fully as possible for whatever time he may have.
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    May 20, 2014 3:49 AM GMT
    A grieving heart can love again.

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    May 20, 2014 4:03 AM GMT
    The measure of a man.

    The measure of a relationship.


    Think you know the answer already--you can barely breath?

    Just one year of love...


    I would caution that when he begins to turn into someone you don't know and possibly won't know you, you distance yourself sooner rather than later so it doesn't poison you.
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    May 20, 2014 4:13 AM GMT
    Love always hurts. Why should you avoid dating this wonderful guy because you might get hurt? Love him like he's going to live forever, because you may very well die before him. None of us have any guarantees of how long we will live.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 4:14 AM GMT
    Wow

    That is like that movie sweet sixteen?

    If you're comfortable do it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 4:21 AM GMT
    Date him. You will eventually cry your eyeballs out, but it will be worth it.
  • theob

    Posts: 64

    May 20, 2014 3:16 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone. I spoke to my family and friends about it, and they agreed that I shouldn't let the cancer have any effect on my decision to be with him. Hey may indeed be dying, but for all I know, I could be too. It's silly to give up someone great just because you're scared of the future. If I'm still with him when he dies, I'll just have to deal with it.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    May 20, 2014 3:24 PM GMT
    Good choice. If it gives you peace of mind, my sister dated and married a man who was dying of Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He did die, she grieved. She said her time with him was the best years of her life.
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    May 20, 2014 3:25 PM GMT
    theob saidThanks everyone. I spoke to my family and friends about it, and they agreed that I shouldn't let the cancer have any effect on my decision to be with him. Hey may indeed be dying, but for all I know, I could be too. It's silly to give up someone great just because you're scared of the future. If I'm still with him when he dies, I'll just have to deal with it.

    Good luck. I think you've found your answer. Love him, spend valuable time with him, show him that regardless of what life sends our way, there's always hope for love in the ones we know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 3:45 PM GMT
    theob saidThanks everyone. I spoke to my family and friends about it, and they agreed that I shouldn't let the cancer have any effect on my decision to be with him. Hey may indeed be dying, but for all I know, I could be too. It's silly to give up someone great just because you're scared of the future. If I'm still with him when he dies, I'll just have to deal with it.

    very cool; not a lot of people could do it.
    Me and mine have had the: "I didn't sign up for this" conversation.

    I hope you keep us updated--look to us for support if need be and only the best to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 9:06 PM GMT
    Yes