Boyfriend caught me watching porn

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 9:31 AM GMT
    My boyfriend caught me watching porn, I clicked off it and nothing has been said... any advise on what to do now?
    I feel really guilty, he's evidently hurt.

  • Karl

    Posts: 5787

    May 20, 2014 10:04 AM GMT
    if I were you I wouldn't click it off.
    What's wrong with having a boyfriend and watching porn ?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 10:22 AM GMT
    Was there a prior agreement that you wouldn't watch porn?

    I could understand if your tastes in porn are different, but for gay men in general, watching porn could be a fun shared experience. It doesn't make sense to feel jealous or betrayed or guilty about it.

    My rule is that porn should be something that brings guys together rather than tearing them apart. If you're watching porn *instead* of having sex with your boyfriend, that's no good. If you're watching porn to meet some desire or fantasy that your boyfriend does not fulfill, then that's a problem. If you're watching porn as a solitary activity that you've staked out for yourself rather than allowing him to be included as part of the experience, that's also an issue.

    On the other hand, if he feels jealous, resentful, insecure, or betrayed, and you've not done anything to make him feel that way other than watching porn, then he needs to get over that. If he's comparing himself to the guys in the porn and thinking, "oh, this is what my boyfriend really wants, but look at me--how can I ever compare?" then you should address that insecurity head-on. But if he's right--that you really would choose those guys over him--then it's you who has the problem.

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    May 20, 2014 4:22 PM GMT
    FireLion saidI think he feels betrayed.

    Start by opening up a dialog about how each of you feels about it. While you're discussing it, you might as well start talking about all the other sexual activities that might or have come up.

    If you're not having discussions about your likes/dislikes/fantasies then you're not communicating.

    If you like watching porn and it's at home and it's not replacing your sex life then you might figure a way to work it into your intimacy.

    If he has issues with you watching it then you need to discuss those issues. He shouldn't be controlling you but understand your needs and desires too. Why were you watching it, there must be something about it that you enjoyed. He needs to understand that and where you're coming from and why it would upset him.

    You're in a monogamous relationship, that means that each of you has agreed that only the other person can fulfill whatever your needs are. If you're looking at porn then clearly he's not living up to his end of the agreement. Also, are you living up to yours? Monogamous love versus monogamous sex, you might need to figure out the difference and yes, there is a difference. You can still love him while enjoying some 'outside' porn on occasion.

    Good luck.
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    May 20, 2014 4:27 PM GMT
    FireLion saidI think he feels betrayed.

    Only if it's straight porn. Was it? If not, then ask him if he'd like to watch it with you. eb925guy has some good ideas.
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    May 20, 2014 5:16 PM GMT
    Sounds like you need to initiate a conversation. This may be no big deal and something that you will worry about which may cause problems. But if it is a deal to him, then it's best to talk it out instead of letting it fester.


    And now my own story...

    My first lover had an issue with me watching porn. He said it was like I was cheating on him. I never really cared because we had a pretty active sex life. Then one day I had to go back home because I forgot something and when in I caught him jacking off to porn. I didn't really care and laughed off the situation. After that it was like poof, porn was no longer cheating.

    There were other similar hypocritical situations like how he would get pissed because I was smoking weed, well that was until I saw him cooking up vials of Ketamine to sell and then poof, pot was okay. It wasn't long after that I dumped him.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 20, 2014 5:29 PM GMT
    Tell him it was research to spice up your bedroom life icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 5:55 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidTell him it was research to spice up your bedroom life icon_biggrin.gif


    You can learn a lot of useful stuff from watching porn. I know I have.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 7:26 PM GMT
    eb925guy said
    FireLion saidI think he feels betrayed.

    Start by opening up a dialog about how each of you feels about it. While you're discussing it, you might as well start talking about all the other sexual activities that might or have come up.

    If you're not having discussions about your likes/dislikes/fantasies then you're not communicating.

    If you like watching porn and it's at home and it's not replacing your sex life then you might figure a way to work it into your intimacy.

    If he has issues with you watching it then you need to discuss those issues. He shouldn't be controlling you but understand your needs and desires too. Why were you watching it, there must be something about it that you enjoyed. He needs to understand that and where you're coming from and why it would upset him.

    You're in a monogamous relationship, that means that each of you has agreed that only the other person can fulfill whatever your needs are. If you're looking at porn then clearly he's not living up to his end of the agreement. Also, are you living up to yours? Monogamous love versus monogamous sex, you might need to figure out the difference and yes, there is a difference. You can still love him while enjoying some 'outside' porn on occasion.

    Good luck.


    This! I think you'll find your trust each other expanding, after creating a dialog on this topic.

    You may also find some new and exciting unexplored caverns in the bedroom. Who can argue with that?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 8:33 PM GMT
    Most people like to jerk off, if hes into the same kind of porn than you ask him to watch it together.
  • sportsguysd7

    Posts: 65

    May 21, 2014 4:38 AM GMT
    If he has an issue with it in general, he needs to get real, IMO. You're both guys, of course you're both going to do it from time to time. If it's a particular time you're doing it, like when you could be in bed with him, that's different.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2014 4:47 AM GMT
    Lol not an issue, ask him to join in and watch together. My ex and I watched porn, read dirty magazines together and yes, we even tried the sex positions in the films we saw too. I mean, it's not cheating, you're watching a fantasy. icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2014 5:43 AM GMT
    Tell him that watching the hot guys in porn is the only way you can keep a hard on for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2014 5:53 AM GMT
    If he's sensitive to it or feels threatened by it for no apparent reason, you should tell him that it's normal to look and be turned on by other guys. Try watching it together and commenting on the guys.

    He might also be feeling threatened about it if you cannot control yourself when you see a hot guy and make an exaggerated response to him. In that case, be more discreet about checking out guys or being vocal about them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2014 11:30 PM GMT
    To watch porn is something just... natural... it's almost basic.. So if he's angry only for that.... well you have to talk about it.
    Now you have to be alert for some deeper reasons of your actions or him being angry. Like other people have already said, you shouldn't be masturbating to replace something missing on your relationship, or he might be trying to control you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 21, 2014 11:43 PM GMT
    Ask if he would like to watch it with you, or what he likes to see in porn. Or take a trip together to one of those cheesy gay shops that sell tiny shorts and pornos (that is the best idea actually).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2014 12:02 AM GMT
    My first (late) partner had objections to my having porn pics on my computer. To me they were just eye-candy. To him they were competition, suggesting he wasn't good enough for my needs, that I wanted guys who were hotter.

    Obviously he was insecure. He shouldn't have been, I was devoted to him. But OK, that was his fear, and he was more important to me than porn, so I erased all the porn off my computer, if that made him more happy. A man in my bed is worth 2 (or more) images on my computer.

    Yet in contradiction, we'd watch gay porn DVDs together. And fuck along with the guys on screen.

    I dunno, these things often don't make sense, no rational logic to them. When it comes to love and relationships I think logic rarely applies. You merely adjust your thinking to his and move along.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3515

    May 25, 2014 11:32 AM GMT
    I would have said, oh great you are home, sit on this for me, i need to cum real bad....and if he said no, i would have continued what i was doing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2014 6:37 AM GMT
    Ohno saidAsk if he would like to watch it with you, or what he likes to see in porn. Or take a trip together to one of those cheesy gay shops that sell tiny shorts and pornos (that is the best idea actually).


    Grrr, my kind of man. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2014 6:44 AM GMT
    Thanks for replies everyone.
    No the porn wasn't replacing sex time, it was just in the morning when I was horny and he takes ages to get up.

    He's ok with it icon_biggrin.gif
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    May 27, 2014 9:26 AM GMT
    I think if it was me that caught someone I would be like, oh brother. I probably wouldn't be jealous or anything like that, not really. It's fake and they are whores icon_lol.gif.