Serodiscordant/Magnetic Relationships - Advice?

  • runner_24

    Posts: 8

    May 27, 2014 7:01 AM GMT
    Hello. I am new here and decided to post. I am a 23 year old male and I recently met a 35 year old male who happens to be the most amazing man ever.

    We’ve been dating for about 5 months. During the third month, he briefly stopped talking to me. He had found out that he is H+. His doctor ordered an HIV test after he had been sick (increased fatigue, etc.) for the last few months and all other results came back negative. Therefore, his doctor says that he has been living with it for a few years, seeing as how he has began to show these types of symptoms. I was fearful (even though we never had intercourse, only oral), but I was tested and I’m H-.

    We have continued dating, despite my best friend calling me stupid/crazy. I know that he didn’t purposefully put me at risk, especially after he was kicking himself about that possibility.

    Knowing that I am beginning to love him, I am curious about the difficulties of being in such a relationship. I don’t know the realities in full (socially, daily life, etc.), but I am willing to try with him. I am also curious about sex. I have a difficult time with intercourse (I was molested as a child) - he knows that and is perfectly fine with waiting until I am ready. At the same time, when we (or I for that matter) are ready, I would like for it to be as safe and enjoyable as possible.

    Does anyone have any advice on either of these issues?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2014 7:50 AM GMT
    Meds will help him and eventually his HIV viral load in blood should drop until being undetectable. That means the chances of spreading the disease descrease conciderably, but there will be STILL risk. So to complement that you should always wear condoms. Both things (proper treatment+condoms) will keep you and your partner safe. Many people are in long term relationships with poz guys and keep their negative status, just gotta take precautions and enjoy your relationship.

    Note: I highly advice you go to one of the many clinics that advice about HIV and get proffesional guidance from them. Most of these clinics are free and their insight will be better than what you could get in any internet forum.
  • runner_24

    Posts: 8

    May 27, 2014 11:57 AM GMT
    Thank you. You're absolutely right. I mentioned that I'd like to go to one, but he is very private and I understand. Maybe I can talk him into going. I want to give him time to cope with his own status first though. He's great and I don't fault him for his past because he doesn't know how he got it, but he says that he's never had unprotected sex. So, maybe the condom broke. Things happen, which further intensifies my worries if we were to have sex.

    I could easily see us in a long-term relationship though. It's just crazy to think that being as though I am living abroad for my studies here in France. The worst would be to contract the virus while I am all alone here.
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    May 27, 2014 8:30 PM GMT
    I'm worried for him. If he's had it for a few years already he needs to start ART therapy NOW. And showing symptoms should be a BIG wake up call. If his doctor hasn't recommended ART Therapy already....GET A NEW DOCTOR.
    http://aidsinfo.nih.gov/education-materials/fact-sheets/21/53/what-to-start--selecting-a-first-hiv-regimen

    As a sexually active gay man (even with condoms) he should be tested every 3-4 months. A "few years" of being unknown HIV+ requires immediate action.

    ART therapy is good for him, he can live a normal life, and it's especially good for you. Transmission rates are "<4%, "probably zero".

    You both need to read this:
    http://www.aidsmap.com/No-one-with-an-undetectable-viral-load-gay-or-heterosexual-transmits-HIV-in-first-two-years-of-PARTNER-study/page/2832748/

    "Statistical analysis shows that the maximum likely chance of transmission via anal sex from someone on successful HIV treatment was 1% a year for any anal sex and 4% for anal sex with ejaculation where the HIV-negative partner was receptive; but the true likelihood is probably much nearer to zero than this."

    Right now I wouldn't suggest anal sex at all, even with a condom. Condom failure rates are too high at 18%. It's how he got it. His viral load may be extremely high. Once he gets it under control and undetectable, only then should you discuss it.
    http://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/unintendedpregnancy/contraception.htm

    People are still dying of AIDS. And it's unnecessary with current treatment. Not to scare you but often it's ones who find out too late. If you love him, GET HIM ON ART THERAPY NOW. he can be bigger and stronger than ever....or die. It's that simple of a choice.

    I was diagnosed in 1986. Before ART I had 2 lovers who were Negative. It was always oral or J/O only.

    If you have any private questions PM me.

  • runner_24

    Posts: 8

    May 28, 2014 4:34 PM GMT
    I will be sure to look over those that you sent me. I know that he has started his treatment, but I don't know what his viral load is, etc. His doctors says that he is responding quite well to treatment. Sex, that's further down the line. I have been very supportive, but I don't bring it up unless he speaks on it first. He's super open with me however. It's just that I don't want to be too intrusive.
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    May 28, 2014 5:34 PM GMT
    runner_24 saidI will be sure to look over those that you sent me. I know that he has started his treatment, but I don't know what his viral load is, etc. His doctors says that he is responding quite well to treatment. Sex, that further down the line. I have been very supportive, but I don't ring it up unless he speaks on it first. He's super open with me however. It's just that I don't want to be too intrusive.


    I'm very glad to hear that! Good luck, you sound like a great couple. Don't worry about being intrusive...it's about you too.
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    May 28, 2014 6:01 PM GMT
    runner_24 said
    Does anyone have any advice on either of these issues?

    I partnered with an HIV-poz guy when I was negative (still am). Didn't scare me, and I loved him very much. I performed oral on him, and was the bottom. BOTH done with condoms, although I know the risk from oral is low. My gums sometimes bleed and I have a history of mouth sores.

    Our life together was very good - he was in better overall health than me. He had insurance so he could pay for his HIV treatment. My only concern was that he might contract an opportunistic AIDS disease, despite his low viral counts (though never undetectable).

    But then he did contract PML, an incurable brain virus. Came out of the blue, and not very common these days with better HIV management. But it still happens, and it happened to him. Plus PML affected his thinking, which I initially mistook for excessive drinking, and without telling me he let his health insurance lapse. Just when he needed it most.

    These are factors you need to consider in your relationship. If I had to do it over again I would. I have wonderful memories of our time together, wouldn't pass those up for the world. But it also ended tragically too soon for him, and for me, just when I thought we were gonna have a long & happy life together. A tough choice for a young man to make.
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    May 28, 2014 7:45 PM GMT
    Don't let Art Deco experience dissuade you. Truvada was only approved in 2004 (when his ex died). Meds have become more effective and less toxic in the last decade.

    "Anthony Fauci, head of the US National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases has written "With collective and resolute action now and a steadfast commitment for years to come, an AIDS-free generation is indeed within reach." In the same paper he notes that an estimated 700,000 lives were saved in 2010 alone due to antiretroviral therapy.[2] As another commentary in The Lancet noted, "Rather than dealing with acute and potentially life-threatening complications, clinicians are now confronted with managing a chronic disease that in the absence of a cure will persist for many decades"[3]"

    "Recent publications indicate 39%[5] to 58%[6] of the general population are seropositive for antibodies to JCV, ....

    Prior to the advent of effective antiretroviral therapy, as many as 5% of people with AIDS eventually developed PML.[7] It is unclear why PML occurs more frequently in AIDS than in other immunosuppressive conditions...."
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Progressive_multifocal_leukoencephalopathy

    PML was never common, and it was a progression from late stage AIDS, not merely HIV, and is almost unheard of now.

  • Steve59520

    Posts: 1

    May 29, 2014 12:09 AM GMT
    Hi Guy
    I'm new to this site ,10 mins at the most.I can tell you though I am 23 years HIV pos.

    Don't stress out about your friends status.If he cares about you he will be full of honesty and these days there is a whole lot more to worry about than your lovers HIV status.Enjoy the relationship, life can be very short.
    All the best Steve in London
  • runner_24

    Posts: 8

    May 29, 2014 9:41 AM GMT
    Yes, I know that he cares a lot about me. I do worry that I will contract the virus and it's perplexing because I know that many people are in fulfilling magnetic relationships.

    My friend thinks I'm stupid because he's 35 and I'm 23. Also, she said that he's "slowly dying." We didn't speak for some time because of that. He's the most amazing guy that I have ever met and I can't just walk away knowing that I've never felt like this for anyone else. Relationships can be hard for me with my past.

    He's great and then there is this one thing that sort of holds me back. We don't have sex. I don't feel any pressure for more. So I know one day I can be at ease enough to go there, as it will be my choice. He's a top and more experienced obviously. I just want everything to be special, because he's never been loved the way that I want to love him.

    Once we know more about his condition, only then will I consider it. We aren't even in a relationship though. He wants me to focus on my studies here in France while he gets himself together.

    Stressful
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    May 29, 2014 11:15 AM GMT
    "she said that he's "slowly dying.""

    Guess what? We all are! From the day we are born LOL.

    If he takes his meds he will outlive her.
  • runner_24

    Posts: 8

    May 29, 2014 2:12 PM GMT
    Yes, I was very disgusted by her comment. She's one of my best friends. My other friends that I have spoken to about it (very few, maybe 2 others), they have been very supportive about my decision to continue dating him.

    I finally told him and he said that she was probably just concerned/afraid for me and not to lose the friendship. I respected his point of view. He is very level-headed.
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    May 29, 2014 8:10 PM GMT
    runner_24 saidYes, I was very disgusted by her comment. She's one of my best friends. My other friends that I have spoken to about it (very few, maybe 2 others), they have been very supportive about my decision to continue dating him.

    I finally told him and he said that she was probably just concerned/afraid for me and not to lose the friendship. I respected his point of view. He is very level-headed.


    He seems to be! I was going to say she is just being protective of you....that's her 1st priority. In time her stigma will be replaced with knowledge. Who knows she could become an advocate.
  • runner_24

    Posts: 8

    May 29, 2014 10:08 PM GMT
    unckabasa said
    runner_24 saidYes, I was very disgusted by her comment. She's one of my best friends. My other friends that I have spoken to about it (very few, maybe 2 others), they have been very supportive about my decision to continue dating him.

    I finally told him and he said that she was probably just concerned/afraid for me and not to lose the friendship. I respected his point of view. He is very level-headed.


    He seems to be! I was going to say she is just being protective of you....that's her 1st priority. In time her stigma will be replaced with knowledge. Who knows she could become an advocate.


    Well, advocacy is really important for us both. We are mental health advocates. So, who knows. Ha. I actually didn't realize that you, yourself, were H+. Has dating been difficult for you because of that?
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    May 29, 2014 11:30 PM GMT
    runner_24 said
    unckabasa said
    runner_24 saidYes, I was very disgusted by her comment. She's one of my best friends. My other friends that I have spoken to about it (very few, maybe 2 others), they have been very supportive about my decision to continue dating him.

    I finally told him and he said that she was probably just concerned/afraid for me and not to lose the friendship. I respected his point of view. He is very level-headed.


    He seems to be! I was going to say she is just being protective of you....that's her 1st priority. In time her stigma will be replaced with knowledge. Who knows she could become an advocate.


    Well, advocacy is really important for us both. We are mental health advocates. So, who knows. Ha. I actually didn't realize that you, yourself, were H+. Has dating been difficult for you because of that?


    Not at all.
  • runner_24

    Posts: 8

    May 30, 2014 11:27 AM GMT
    Interesting. I sense that it is a major deal breaker for many people. I never thought about it until I was put in this situation. He's perfect and quite frankly, unprotected sex isn't an interest of mine, but the risk is still there if a mistake happens. So, I am cautious about it all.
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    May 31, 2014 4:27 PM GMT
    runner_24 saidInteresting. I sense that it is a major deal breaker for many people. I never thought about it until I was put in this situation. He's perfect and quite frankly, unprotected sex isn't an interest of mine, but the risk is still there if a mistake happens. So, I am cautious about it all.


    Oh I'm sure it is a deal breaker for many! Same goes for me, a Neg. man has to initiate it with me. I usually stick with other POZ+U. Although a lot of NEG guys understand what undetectable is now.....some don't. I don't educate or push my opinion, they have to know.

    There isn't much of a risk if you are in a monogamous relationship once he is undetectable, see the Partners Study ans the Swiss Study. You are much more likely to get HIV from so called Neg "DDF tested 11/02/13" as did 4 of people in the study via an outside relationship/affair. NONE got it from their POZ+U partner.
  • runner_24

    Posts: 8

    May 31, 2014 9:30 PM GMT
    Interesting. I read that distance can cause a strain and/or affairs in relationships. I don't entirely believe that.

    He and I live about an hour and a half away from one another. He's thinking of potentially moving back to Paris. We would then be in the same city. Monogamy isn't an issue for me and I trust that it isn't for him either.

    Yes, you're right. I believe more and more people are beginning to understand that; however, the fear is still there sometimes. Perhaps because it's my first time in such a situation that I am a little uneasy.