Relationship with Partner into BDSM?

  • dm3018

    Posts: 1

    May 28, 2014 12:02 AM GMT
    Sorry for the length of this post. . . I'm writing to find out how other people out there have dealt with relationships in which one partner (he) is into BDSM and the other partner (me) isn't.

    My partner and I have been together for 25-26 years. When we got together I was up-front that I wanted our relationship to be monogamous. Over the years he's been mostly monogamous - but for most of our time together we've also had very little sex. I know, your asking why we've stayed together, and I don't have a really good answer other than we love each other.

    When we got together years ago I didn't know that he was into BDSM. Later I found out that he had had a few experiences with it when we met, but his need for it has grown. Over the last year with the help of a good sex therapist, I've learned a lot about my partner's need for BDSM.

    Apparently he has a network of BDSM friends who I don't know at all. He has lunch with them, socializes with them when I'm out of town, talks with them about me and our relationship (that alone really bothers me - having strangers knowing about me).

    I'm not into BDSM, but I've learned to inflict some pain of various types on him for his sexual pleasure (even though inflicting pain on him most often "de-erects" me - not something that turns me on). I thought that we were making some real progress because we've had sex a lot more than in the past and he seems to enjoy it.

    Did I say that I've learned a lot about him? Well, the learning continues. Within the last two weeks, I've learned is that he's a submissive who needs a Dom - and that's just not me at all. I'm much more of an egalitarian type, with lots of give and take on both sides of the relationship and sex. I'm not a master and the idea of someone else being a slave to me sort of gives me the creeps. I want to be with a man, not a "boy," which is his role and actual title in the BDSM community. I mean, he's really into this.

    Because he needs a dom in his life, he recently suggested that he arrange for a friend of his to be his non-sexual master who would order him to do all sorts of things, like not have sex with with other guys when the urge hit him - to make sure that he honors my request for monogamy. The master would also order him to do other things, including having sex with me, go to the nearest public restroom and jack off, etc.

    The idea of having a third person - some "Sir" that I don't even know and don't want to know - having this kind of intimacy with my partner pretty much put me over the edge. After all, I want my partner to be with me because my partner wants to be with me and not because his Master orders him to do it.

    So, I said that if he needs BDSM that much, I'm giving up on my expectation for monogamy - for him or myself. He's free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants and I expect the same freedom. No rules other than nobody else sleeps in my bed.

    I'm guessing that this new arrangement will result eventually in our breaking up. The break-up is likely to result from my meeting someone with whom I can have the kind of sexual relationship that is emotionally fulfilling to me. We're not likely to break up because of his meeting someone else. For him, sex is almost entirely recreational without a lot of emotion involved. Even with me, sex for him is fun with little emotional connection. He's plenty capable, I think, of having sex and BDSM experiences with other guys just for the fun of it without it affecting his feelings for me.

    I don't really want to give up after all these years, but had I known all these things when we got together I wouldn't have even considered a relationship with him.

    Has anyone else out there had a similar experience? How did you handle it? What has worked and what hasn't worked?
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 28, 2014 12:42 AM GMT
    dm3018 saidMy partner and I have been together for 25-26 years. When we got together I was up-front that I wanted our relationship to be monogamous. Over the years he's been mostly monogamous - but for most of our time together we've also had very little sex. I know, your asking why we've stayed together, and I don't have a really good answer other than we love each other.

    Do you? Really? I'm not being mean or cryptic, I'm asking an honest question. From what you've said the two of you are not sexually compatible--and yet the two of you have continued a relationship for over a quarter century. Has it never occurred to you that two people can "love" one another and yet be completely *wrong* for each other?

    If, as I suspect, there has been a lot of drama that has gone on in the relationship around this and (likely) other issues, this suggests to me that the "love" you believe you have is a kind of delusion. I'm not a psychologist, I don't know you or your partner, but you've come to a forum out of the blue and spilled your guts publicly to a bunch of strangers. This seems to me to be a rather dramatic and desperate act. You're so desperate for answers you're willing to ask total strangers for guidance regarding your most crucial and intimate life issues.

    All anyone can do is give you his opinion which may or may not be helpful (regardless of their relationship experiences). I can only say from reading what you've written that you need, at the very least, to "redefine" this relationship. And I personally believe the sooner the better for both of you.

    Good luck and welcome to the forum.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    May 28, 2014 1:45 AM GMT
    dm3018 saidI'm guessing that this new arrangement will result eventually in our breaking up.


    Or, it might be the one thing that allows you to stay together. If you're both having your sexual needs met elsewhere, you can focus on the other things that you have built together in your relationship. Unless, as MikeW suggests, you are really incompatible, then this might be the excuse you need to free yourself and to move on. People grow, and sometimes they do not grow together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2014 6:50 AM GMT
    Whoawhoooooawhooooooooooa

    This is why I always stayed peripheral to BDSM even living On Folsom This is way too much for most people.

    I'd say pursue other options - nostalgia is nice, so is sentiment. Sentiment and nostalgia are not contemporary but, influence it.. A lot of this stuff implies to me that you already live seperate lives but, I don't know.

    So sorry for the conflict.

    Be well

    Also, I am inclined towards Mike's view of a lot of previous drama but, didn't want to be first to write it... I worry is a stereotype and like.... but, ahh I dunno I'm single icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2014 7:09 AM GMT
    Consider couples counseling if you and your partner are seriously interested in preserving the relationship.

    It may be that the agreements upon which you based your relationship 25-26 years ago are up for renegotiation. People grow and change a lot over 25-26 years. Perhpas during the process of renegotiation with a counselor, you may learn things about each other which will help each of you to come to a conclusion on whether or not the relationship is still worth saving if you both have to make compromises.

    In the end, compromise with resentment will sink the relationship. Any successful renegotiation is going to have to come with a conscious awareness to eschew resentment.

    Hope this helps!

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2014 7:11 AM GMT
    BTW, BDSM is really about "trust", "agreements", and "role experiences".

    Perhaps that extra bit might help your journey to understand where he is at emotionally and psychologically.