Grindr, growlr, scruff....what next?! What to do!?

  • Mattvr85

    Posts: 1

    May 28, 2014 11:17 PM GMT
    Hi Guys!

    I'm here as I would love a fresh perspective!

    I have been with my "significant other" for more than 6 years years, and we've had our ups and downs.

    A year into our relationship I found out he was on grindr, sending naughty photos of himself around town. My heart sank a bit when I found this out. I asked him about it, he got really angry with me, and wouldn't talk to me for days, at the end he just blamed me for it. Believing I made him unhappy I said let's brake up, he did a full turn around, tears, gifts apologies and begged me to stay saying it would never happen again.

    In the 3rd and 4th year in our relationship it happened again, but each time he blamed it on me!?

    Last year he got drunk and ended up fooling around with someone in a gay bar and stayed out for the night. He assures me nothing bad happened!

    He went for counselling after I moved out last year, which he says cured the problem, and he found out he was depressed before he met me, and I was the only good thing in his life, and counselling worked.. He now wants me to move home back with him...

    He's left me feeling rather crap about myself, gave me rock bottom self esteem and the over all feeling that I made him do all this!I am battling to make a logical decision here.

    Guys any advice would be great, as I just don't know what to do!

    M
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2014 2:09 AM GMT
    Yikes. Well, first off, welcome and rest assured - you're not the only one to have run into this issue.

    My last relationship ended because I caught my bf exchanging messages with people on craigslist - blatantly asking to hook up, as well as exchanging naughty pics. Luckily, this was only 3-4 months into it, as opposed to 6 years. It really shattered my self-esteem and trust in other people, as this was someone really close to me as well.

    That said, I'm not sure what to tell you. Some guys are so addicted to the thrill of hooking-up, exchanging pics, cybering, etc. that they may never break the habit. It's tough for me to avoid these kinds of urges myself but when I commit to someone, my word is my bond; I do not engage in this sort of thing and I always delete grindr and the like (although I'm single now and don't even regularly use it). Nowadays I have a hard time believing that anyone has the willpower to avoid things like that or the amount self-control necessary to keep away.

    The fact that this is a recurring problem is what I would have a very hard time with. Every 10 seconds, I'd be wanting to know what's going on in his phone, his laptop and whatever other privacy he keeps from me; I really don't enjoy being played a fool. That said, without trust in a relationship, it's pretty much over for me.

    As painful as it sounds, I would work on an exit-plan and walk away, unless you think that starting fresh from scratch would produce any different outcomes. I'm skeptical that therapy and 'moving out' changes much of anything, though. Most guys don't like sacrificing their independence; they want both. They want the freedom to flirt and hook-up with anyone they want, and they want a nice man to come home to and go to bed with afterward.

    I'm really sorry icon_sad.gif .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2014 12:41 AM GMT
    I was/is in similar situation and to be honest, stay away. As much as there's all the other good times, if you're not prepared to have an open relationship or make a compromise in the relationship, you're only going to get hurt more.

    Some people never change as much as they promise or want to change. You cannot break their habits most of the times.

    Heed caution if you want to still pursue a relationship with him, and don't set an expectation it will not happen again, because it will.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2014 3:32 AM GMT
    I completely agree with most of the other comments out there.

    Don't go back with him, you might feel a bit down and sad for now, but it will be better for you in the long run.



  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 30, 2014 3:41 AM GMT
    Are you sure there are no other times that he may have cheated on you? I think it has to be your call, only you really know him, but maybe you need to be honest with yourself to make the right decision.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2014 7:12 AM GMT
    As much as he protests that he has turned a new leaf, and there will be no cheating in the future, he is unlikely to change. Why set yourself up for another episode? Wouldn't you be happier with someone else, who was not going to cheat on you, and not blame you for his inadequacies?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2014 1:57 AM GMT
    Do you want to perpetuate the cycle or honor yourself and your feelings for once?
  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    May 31, 2014 12:17 PM GMT
    Leave the guy.
    He's a cheater.
    Get fit.
    Look better than him.
    Date.

    Easy.
    #truth
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2014 7:30 AM GMT
    Wow, no, run, run fast.

    Was happy to read you moved out.. Lol you're not responsible for his happiness. Lol gross, what counselor would ever tell him that, must be sick paraphrasing.

    #lyingexes
  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    Jun 01, 2014 8:10 AM GMT
    Rene_Aensland saidLeave the guy.
    He's a cheater.
    Get fit.
    Look better than him.
    Date.

    Easy.
    #truth


    Best advice ever.