Unemployment, loneliness, social isolation and contemplation of suicide

  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    May 30, 2014 4:03 PM GMT
    Ever since I finished my dissertation and masters degree, my life has been completely void of all purpose and direction. I started looking for work, and took a job working as a bus driver. Over the past 8 months, i've applied for hundreds of jobs. Not just blindly applying, but writing serious cover letters, making a really good resume, setting up a linkedin profile, doing networking, and all that stuff. What I found is that for all jobs, they just throw away your application and never take your application seriously, and networking is more or less a lost cause as well. People are always willing to chat with you, but they won't do anything to help you get a job unless you can do something for them, and if you don't have anything to offer them they don't really care about you.

    It isn't that I hated working as a bus driver, even with a masters degree, despite the fact that its hard work, dangerous and people treat you like an animal, spitting on you because they don't have the proper fare, but the company I worked for was terrible. I was being denied lunch breaks, vehicles were in deplorable shape, pay was awful, no healthcare, abusive dispatchers and managers, each day was turning into a living hell. So a little while ago, I just left. It was no longer worth the anger and frustration of another day of work.

    I don't really like being at home either. I can't find productive uses for my time. My family doesn't really like me. I don't have any friends here, they all live in the UK and Ireland. I constantly feel completely alone. I want to cry but I can't. I don't fit in with the gay community, and there is nowhere to go to meet others with similar interests. Buffalo is a horrible place to live with nothing to do. I can't describe just how lonely and painful each day has become. I've been placed on anti-depressants, and they don't really work. They keep increasing the dose with little results.

    I am incredibly desperate for a way out. I love big cities, and I desperately want to move to one. But I can't find a job there, and I don't have enough money or connections to move there on my own. I've been getting angrier and angrier too, and I don't like to feel that way. But i've worked so hard to get my education, and do well in my studies, and I see complete and total idiots who aren't good people going far in their lives. I can't even manage to get by day to day.

    People say 'it gets better.' Well it doesn't. People say 'you can change your own life', well you can't. Imagine being in a deep hole filled with mud, and the only ladder out has all the rungs removed. The ladder is there, but without the rungs or a helping hand you can't get out. People are very willing to make rhetoric, but its very rare to find someone willing to help you, even in the most insignificant of ways. Sometimes, just a hug, or just a chat makes a tremendous difference, but I am completely alone and can't find anyone willing to even do that.

    So here I am, and the complete dead end. I feel like i've tried everything. I just need one thing to click, a job, an opportunity to get out of Buffalo, a relationship (yes I know i'm in no state be dating, but that doesn't mean that I don't get incredibly lonely), just one thing to work out and I could use that to begin to put my life back together. But that won't happen.

    The outlook for the future looks dark. So sadly, suicide looks like the only way out for me. If nothing improves within the next few weeks, if I continue to be jobless and/or stuck in Buffalo, ending my life looks like the only option.

    Why am I telling you this? Because I just feel like I need to tell someone. No one else listens. No one else knows how hard it is to be gay. Maybe someone on here knows a way out that I can't see. I'm so desperate, I just need something to keep me going. I need to know that someone out there cares. I literally can't bare another month of being jobless, social isolated and going nowhere in life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2014 6:47 PM GMT
    I'm here

    What do you think about over the road trucking?
    -You've got the bus CDL so I'm assuming you'd get the truck easily.
    Companies will train you and you can set your sights on a year over the road, picking the city you want to move too.
    -how about volunteering this weekend?
    http://www.volunteerbuffalo.com/organizations/disadvantaged/central_city_cafe.html
  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    May 30, 2014 7:04 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidI'm here

    What do you think about over the road trucking?
    -You've got the bus CDL so I'm assuming you'd get the truck easily.
    Companies will train you and you can set your sights on a year over the road, picking the city you want to move too.
    -how about volunteering this weekend?
    http://www.volunteerbuffalo.com/organizations/disadvantaged/central_city_cafe.html


    I've thought about it but OTR life in this country is rough to put it mildly. Wouldn't mind doing regional but no one is willing to train.
  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    May 30, 2014 7:16 PM GMT
    Plus volunteering at a soup kitchen would only make me more depressed.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    May 30, 2014 7:23 PM GMT
    What was your Masters in? Do you have a car? Do you have a $500? I don't blame you for feeling major down. A Masters is a significant accomplishment and should lead to a good job. And Buffalo is pretty grim. And rejection is hard.

    Try this. Put your long range plans on hold as far as your job and big city destination. Take a break. Future prospective employers will understand a break right after Grad school.

    Drive down south to a resort destination and do it now. Everyone here is looking for help in the tourist industries. Try Miami or Ft Lauderdale where there's a big gay population. Have some fun and tend bar or work putting up beach chairs or something where you'd meet guys and work on your tan.

    Then think about the long term in the Fall when things start getting quiet. You'll be happy and refreshed and ready to think clearly.

    You're not hopeless-- you're just temporarily stuck.

    Cheers, guy. You're cute!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2014 9:00 PM GMT
    DestinharborDrive down south to a resort destination and do it now. Everyone here is looking for help in the tourist industries. Try Miami or Ft Lauderdale where there's a big gay population. Have some fun and tend bar or work putting up beach chairs or something where you'd meet guys and work on your tan.

    Actually, summer is the slow season in South Florida (Fort Lauderdale-Miami) for obvious reasons: heat, humidity, lots of rain. Best to check out opportunities before going there.

    Also, be prepared for bare subsistence wages if you do work at a resort. I'm familiar with working conditions on Cape Cod (including Provincetown) and in coastal Maine resort towns. There are so many people willing to work for low wages just to spend a summer in resort towns. People often work two jobs to pay the inflated summer rents on a small room, or live in crowded conditions.

    Seriously, what did you get your Master's degree in? Maybe you need to focus on finding a city that might match your skill set better than Buffalo does - not to mention a city that offers better social opportunities.

    I hope things start getting better for you.
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    Jun 01, 2014 1:38 AM GMT
    Don't work at a resort town!

    You gotta spit back at people with that stuff... Or just smile at them.

    Eck yea otr middle america is a beezy gotta put people down fast else they'll dump their misery all over you icon_sad.gif

    Don't volunteer lol, this does not read readyfor that emotional tax...

    Positives you're 23 with a masters degree and people supporting you! Yay maybe they like you? I mean they may just be like uhm what now awkward awkward.

    You've been institutional too long, seems you're beginning to face reality.

    Education is good but, skills pay the bills. Maybe try education for technology like a crash course for programming my ex did and he stopped taking anti depressants .. Dropped a paid tuition at uni for it .. Got a job working as a programmer ... I can ask him about it if you want to know more

    <3

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    Jun 01, 2014 3:13 AM GMT
    FitGwynedd saidEver since I finished my dissertation and masters degree, my life has been completely void of all purpose and direction. I started looking for work, and took a job working as a bus driver. Over the past 8 months, i've applied for hundreds of jobs. Not just blindly applying, but writing serious cover letters, making a really good resume, setting up a linkedin profile, doing networking, and all that stuff. What I found is that for all jobs, they just throw away your application and never take your application seriously, and networking is more or less a lost cause as well. People are always willing to chat with you, but they won't do anything to help you get a job unless you can do something for them, and if you don't have anything to offer them they don't really care about you.



    You're on linkedin? Any bus driver groups?
    I'm on linkedin. I had to re-invent myself from being an executive secretary to being a project assistant. So, I'm a member of an Microsoft Excel group on linkedin. See if there are any linkedin groups for the fields in which you got your bachelor and/or master degrees.

    After living in NYC for 26-1/2 years, I'd think you could find a better job as a bus driver in NYC. That would put you in a big city. You could go to my church: Marble Collegiate Church. That church affirms gay men.

    The last place I lived in NYC was Flushing, Queens (where the National Tennis Center is).

    Let us know if you can try being some sort of bus driver in the NYC area, even if it's from Port Authority driving a bus to NJ.

    You can drive a big bus? That's impressive. I think you've accomplished much just by picking up that skill. Driving a tour bus, even, in NYC could brighten your day.

    Love,
    Steve
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    Jun 01, 2014 6:02 AM GMT
    FitGwynedd,

    Don't discount the idea of volunteering altogether. It needn't be at a soup kitchen. You are 23, two years too old to join the Gay and Lesbian Youth Services of Western New York (in Buffalo) which serves 14-21 year-olds, but perhaps you could look into volunteering one night a week at their drop-in center.

    This might:
    1) increase your contacts with others in your own age group;
    2) help you to feel more positive about being gay;
    3) help you develop some skills related to being a leader; and
    4) give you something positive to put on your resumé or LinkedIn profile.

    You could also look into SUNY Buffalo's LGBT Alliance. It's not clear to me that it's restricted to students (current or former) at SUNY Buffalo. Easy enough to find them on-line.

    Don't give up!



  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    Jun 03, 2014 4:25 PM GMT
    RPearson saidFitGwynedd,

    Don't discount the idea of volunteering altogether. It needn't be at a soup kitchen. You are 23, two years too old to join the Gay and Lesbian Youth Services of Western New York (in Buffalo) which serves 14-21 year-olds, but perhaps you could look into volunteering one night a week at their drop-in center.

    This might:
    1) increase your contacts with others in your own age group;
    2) help you to feel more positive about being gay;
    3) help you develop some skills related to being a leader; and
    4) give you something positive to put on your resumé or LinkedIn profile.

    You could also look into SUNY Buffalo's LGBT Alliance. It's not clear to me that it's restricted to students (current or former) at SUNY Buffalo. Easy enough to find them on-line.

    Don't give up!





    I'm not against volunteering, but its just not a job, and I am in need of paid employment right now. I already have a wide-range of skills that are well-developed.

    Also I believe UB's LGBT alliance is only restricted to students and faculty.
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    Jun 16, 2014 8:36 PM GMT
    You need just one thing? It sounds like you've got plenty already, and just need some help on your perspectives maybe, no disrespect intended. You're an attractive fellow, so I know others would think so. If it's not who you want, then move on and keep looking. Not just for friends, but any and every thing that can help. How about counseling so you have someone to actually talk to?

    How is it that your family doesn't like you? I'm sure they'd miss you greatly if you killed yourself, no matter how short-sighted they may be now.

    Get out of the house, doesn't matter where, but hopefully somewhere you can get exercise. Just a 10-minute walk can help that stuck-in-stress mode a bunch. Read "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" by Dr. Amen, maybe that can show you some things.

    Develop your mental side just like a physical workout, ONLY you can change how you feel, and yes, it DOES work but it's not super easy, nothing in life that's worth it is. By any measure, though, you're not alone. Reaching out here is a good start, now build on it. Don't compare yourself to others, there will always be those better off, and those that are worse off.

    Indeed there are two kinds of strengths. The outer strength is obvious: it fades with age and succumbs to sickness. Then there is the ch’i, the inner strength. Everyone possesses it, too. But it is indeed much more difficult to develop. The inner strength lasts through every heat and every cold. Through old age and beyond.
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    Jun 16, 2014 9:43 PM GMT
    I don't have any specific suggestions for you that haven't been offered by other posters. I just want to tell you don't give up. Sending you cyber hugs --- unless you thinks that's creepy because I'm twice your age, in which case I'll just say I send best wishes. Take care and keep us posted.
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Jun 24, 2014 12:30 AM GMT
    Hi Gwynedd,

    I am in a shockingly similar position except I'm still working at the shit job, and I also have returned to the parents' house. I am feeling the same way building up over these months now reaching a crescendo. It's hard and it doesn't make sense why. Nobody seems to care. My 'relationship' with my parents is a joke too. The one person I could talk to, a close friend who now lives about 12 hours away, has distanced himself from me the more negative I became over the past year, which hurts but in a way I can't blame him.

    Are your family in the U.S. or back in Wales? Yes I know they may not like you much and they may be a shower of selfish retards. Mine certainly are. But at least they are a ready made group that may be able to help in some ways to take pressure off in others? For e.g. having the odd meal cooked for you, having some bits of social communication with them... Although it would be a very hard and humbling thing to return to parents who are like children themselves.

    The world after university is scary. It can be a shock to find these unturned stones that we thought had all been sorted by our time at uni. I can't understand your exact situation and feelings but I do feel your pain and the added complication of being gay, whatever history with it you have, which may not have been pretty. People just don't seem to understand the baggage that sometimes accompanies a gay child's experiences and it is sad.

    I hope you can find a route - and there are many - to happiness.

    You are very welcome to mail me if you want someone to talk to.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Jul 29, 2014 6:50 PM GMT
    You want to change your mindset radically. This may not be easy but this is your only way out.

    I came from a very privileged background. At the age of 28, I already had two MAs under my belt. I had started working at 14 (selling books) in order to improve on my pocket money. I was 17 1/2 when I landed a lucrative summer job. I was going to school, and working part time, too. (My family almost disowned me for being too hard working! You do not get to hear this every day!) They criticised me for demeaning myself.

    So, I got to the end of my 20's, owning a fully-paid luxury home, which I bought at 24. And, then the world around me started going down the drain in political terms.

    5 months before turning 28, I found myself in a foreign country, surrounded by the people who spoke a completely foreign language to me. Fortunately, I had very substantial savings.

    So, I thought of the adversity I was facing, and figured out that this was really a song compared to the wars, loss of life, and utter distraction my forefathers faced at my age. And they shone. They won battles and wars, helped created countries and big companies.

    I got myself a job as a gardener. I learnt the ropes, and enjoyed working out there in the gardens of the people who thought they were rich but basically lived in the houses that my folks would have used to house their domestics. Nonetheless, my savings remained intact.

    I went to school, learnt the local language, and got myself a reasonable job in a major hotel. The wage was modest, but they supplied food, elegant uniforms, and small benefits.

    I started freelancing in addition to my hotel job. I got promoted, but continued to freelance nonetheless. My savings increased.

    By a mere chance of being at work at that particular time, at that particular place, I bumped into a girl I used to go to college with. She had landed an awesome job with a major international corporation and was making a nice USD 6 figure income. They were looking for capable, talented people.

    I sent in my application the very next morning. Well, they were very impressed and all but they were NOT having any suitable vacancies at that time. I applied to dozens of similar companies, and got tons of rejections, or offers that would not be worth my trouble.

    Sure, life was good. But I wanted my life to be great. I leave the modesty to the thieves. They take what they find.

    Lo and behold, one of the guys who was having a fat income job with the guys my college friend was working for, had a nervous breakdown. (Few companies pay loads for the people to walk through the park...) So, they thought of me. Would I please, consider working for them?

    I sent them a word that I would at their head offices in a neighboring country (600 miles away) in a week for an interview. I landed an awesome job with an appropriate income.

    Few years later, I outsourced myself, and have been running my own, diversified show. My income grew up accordingly.

    So, you shake with your head, and tell yourself that you CAN and WILL do amazing things. And you get going.

    What's my secret? I always thought of the guy on the other end of the table/line/computer screen, whatever, first and foremost. WHY would he do anything for me? If I came up with a good, sound explanation, I won the day. Of all the virtues in the world, generosity alone wins wherever everything else fails. And that generosity begins at home.

    SC



  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14380

    Jul 29, 2014 8:48 PM GMT
    RPearson said
    DestinharborDrive down south to a resort destination and do it now. Everyone here is looking for help in the tourist industries. Try Miami or Ft Lauderdale where there's a big gay population. Have some fun and tend bar or work putting up beach chairs or something where you'd meet guys and work on your tan.

    Actually, summer is the slow season in South Florida (Fort Lauderdale-Miami) for obvious reasons: heat, humidity, lots of rain. Best to check out opportunities before going there.

    Also, be prepared for bare subsistence wages if you do work at a resort. I'm familiar with working conditions on Cape Cod (including Provincetown) and in coastal Maine resort towns. There are so many people willing to work for low wages just to spend a summer in resort towns. People often work two jobs to pay the inflated summer rents on a small room, or live in crowded conditions.

    Seriously, what did you get your Master's degree in? Maybe you need to focus on finding a city that might match your skill set better than Buffalo does - not to mention a city that offers better social opportunities.

    I hope things start getting better for you.
    Buffalo is not a bad or depressing city. In fact it is a lot better than some of these sprawled out, overpriced, unfriendly sun belt burgs. Granted our economy has a ways to go in the terms of better job creation, but Buffalo is a beautiful, diverse city on Lake Erie with a wonderful four season climate.