ROOMMATES: Letting a guy stay with you, who's not putting out

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    Jun 04, 2014 12:03 AM GMT
    Title of my new book! Lol

    I've never had a roommate, and always said I wouldn't want one. However, a guy I met thru friends has been conveniently staying with me for over a month. He has a job but some money issues, and can't seem to get on his feet. But, he's working on that since we've only agreed to do this temporarily. Now, we get along great...He's bright, attractive, and fun to be around because we're the same age (I'm older by a few months). We're almost like 2 peas in a pod so to speak. We recently took our 1st vacation together last week.

    However, we had a talk the other night, and I had to be real with him about how I feel about our situation. I told him I kind of feel like I'm living a lie lol. He said he kind of feels the same way. We do everything that a couple who lives together does, yet were not an item and we've never had sex. What kinda annoys me too is, he'll walk around naked, play with his dick in front of me while he's on the computer, or just to show it off to me etc., but the 1 or 2 times I've made a move, he make it seem like hooking up is going to change everything. He even teases me about doing stuff, but then talks about our 'arrangement' and how it'd be weird living together after that. I tell him all the time, don't flirt with me, if you're just gonna play games. We've even tried getting off together in the shower before too, but he got all nervous.

    I'm thinking to myself, how can so many guys have roommates? Living with a guy who's not my boyfriend, and not fucking just feels so fake to me. I feel like all my neighbors think I finally found someone, but nope...it's all fake. This whole situation I'm doing feels like some fake marriage. I've not had guys over since he's moved in, and since I have a 1 bedroom they'll probably suspect there's more going on. The fact he sleeps on the couch and not my bed, doesn't make it any better. It feels like what happens to gay guys, after being together for 5 years icon_lol.gif

    I might miss him when he's gone, and vice versa...but at the same time I don't like the idea of another man moving up with me, if he ain't trying to fuck. If we're not together, why are we living with each other? I'm almost 27 years old. Not 19 and living in a dorm. Although I don't always agree with the concept of this, but some older men make it clear: you can either put out, or GET put out lol.
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:17 AM GMT
    Haha... what a hot mess!
    Why can't he just be your roommate? Why must he be your bitch? Who says he has to put out?
    More like, he has to PAY his part of the rent and utilities or Get out vs. put out.

    How can you two have been on a vacation if he has no money. Hot mess, I tell you.

    If you ever expect to be in a real relationship with another man,,, you might want to consider Falling in LOVE with him first. Then make sure he's truly in love you too... Then and only then can you have hopes for him to "Put out" as you call it.

    BTW.. trust me, he's not the right one. You don't wag your dick at your roommate and then go cruise Craigslist for some tail. Yep,, Nasty Hot Mess.
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:28 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidHaha... what a hot mess!
    Why can't he just be your roommate? Why must he be your bitch?


    LOL, I agree...it is a hot mess in a way. The vacation wasn't expensive. Between free Casino hotels nights and friend's cribs, we worked it out. Plus, he had personal issues to take care of, which was the bulk reason of the trip.

    Again...the whole 'put out or get out' comment was just a joke an older friend of mine told me he said to someone. Again, that's not something I'm suggesting to this guy. And like I say, we've BEEN roommates now for over a month. It's not so much the sex part, but maybe it's just my old-school way of upbringing. We can be friends...but you don't have to LIVE with me. We can be buddy-buddy from a distance.

    As with straight people, that's easy to answer. When do you usually see them living together? Fraternity brothers, and when they have a wife and a kid. That's the only 2 times. After college, you won't find no straight man living with another man. In my neighborhood, there's no other straight men living with other men. Best believe that, because you think they going to be trusting each other's bitches around each other? I'm not trying to blame the situation on him, or make it seem like I EXPECT sex from him, but I guess I didn't realize what exactly I was agreeing to when I agreed to it. I didn't know I'd start to feel like I was cheating myself for allowing myself to live with another man who I'm not together with.

    I told him, this is everything I wanted in a relationship, yet it's not one. He said the SAME THING. And that's why I feel like I'm kidding myself, and my neighbors lol.

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    Jun 04, 2014 12:37 AM GMT
    I've always had roommates and they've all been straight. I have no problem loving with them

    Also:

    FuzzyPecs25 said

    As with straight people, that's easy to answer. When do you usually see them living together? Fraternity brothers, and when they have a wife and a kid. That's the only 2 times. After college, you won't find no straight man living with another man.


    NOT true.
    I know plenty of straight men that live together after college.
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:38 AM GMT
    I'm Old School too.. but then I prefer to live with a male roommate or a lover (soon to be husband).
    I can easily have a male roommate and not think sexual.
    Hey,, that's your bedroom over there. This one is mine.
    Night pal.

    Or, when you've found your match, you either move in with him and start a life together or your rommie moves on to make room for your new man.

    I like there being someone else in the house. Never worried ever what my friends or others had to say.
    Come to think of it,,, I have two tenants.
    Units A and B. Unit A has two guys that are bestest buds and party together with other friends.
    Unit B invited his BF to move in about a year ago.

    See, you can successfully do it both ways as I have in my earlier years.
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:39 AM GMT
    I kinda understand the situation. It was awkward though because I had a one bedroom flat so we had to swap who slept on the bed and sofa regular depending on who was going to bed first or sometimes we just shared. He stayed with me 5 months before he got a job and then 3 months after he got his job to get a deposit together.

    Before he stayed he was practically a stranger but his bf (my friend) kicked him out and I let him stay as a favour. Like you mentioned he would watch porn and play with himself when I was in the room getting ready to leave the house or whatever. Nothing ever happened but at times we so felt like a couple. Especially when he got his job because he finished later than me so I had to time tea when I knew we were both in and I used to make him help me with the food shop lol.

    I think maybe you just blurring the lines between friendship/dating because you live together. If it helps imagine he has a boy friend or imagine he is straight. I never went there with my friend because I knew he was talking to his ex nearly every day and they would probably get back together. They didn't but it helped me not to cross any lines even when he tried to.

    Maybe once he's moved out and it's less awkward (due to living in such close proximity to each otjer) you might actually want to try dating him.
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:44 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    Unit B invited his BF to move in about a year ago. See, you can successfully do it both ways as I have in my earlier years.


    Oh heeeeeeeck no. That sounds like trouble. As dramatic as gay relationships can be (well, straights can be worse lol), I would refuse to be in the middle of someone's love triangle.
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:45 AM GMT
    Good Lord! What's with you guys having roommates that play with themselves to porn in front of you?????????
    Is it me.. or is that a bit weird?

    Some things like taking a crap and cumming that are kinda "private time" if you know what I mean.....icon_eek.gif
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:47 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    TheGuyNextDoor said
    Unit B invited his BF to move in about a year ago. See, you can successfully do it both ways as I have in my earlier years.


    Oh heeeeeeeck no. That sounds like trouble. As dramatic as gay relationships can be (well, straights can be worse lol), I would refuse to be in the middle of someone's love triangle.

    LOL!!! I LIVE in Unit C.
    It's a triplex and I rent out the front 2 units.
    So,, there's 2 guys in A (Best friends)
    2 guys in B (couple)
    2 guys in C (my man and I)
    No freaky triangle going on.
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:50 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidGood Lord! What's with you guys having roommates that play with themselves to porn in front of you????????? Is it me.. or is that a bit weird?

    LOL, now you see why it's so hard for me living with him! As I type, he's laying here with his shirt off LOL. Plus he doesn't fucking wear deodorant, so he has this intoxicating man pheromone that turns me on a little. How the hell can we "Just be friends"??? It's weird, but some guys are very open like that.

    Danny_boy93 saidIf it helps imagine he has a boy friend or imagine he is straight.
    Maybe once he's moved out and it's less awkward (due to living in such close proximity to each otjer) you might actually want to try dating him.

    I don't know if that would work. He always points to the type of guys he likes...which are not my kind. So that's out the window. But, he claims to have gone thru 'phase' of liking different races of guys icon_rolleyes.gif I mean, truth be told...it's not so much that I want to date HIM, it's more about ANY man living in my house who I'm not dating. That could go for anybody.

    He tells me about his guys all the time, and that's the good part because we can share experiences. I've had to counsel him many nights.
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    Jun 04, 2014 1:01 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidGood Lord! What's with you guys having roommates that play with themselves to porn in front of you?????????
    Is it me.. or is that a bit weird?

    Some things like taking a crap and cumming that are kinda "private time" if you know what I mean.....icon_eek.gif


    Agreed I found it uncomfortable tbh lol.

    I had a bit more courtesy and actually only did it in the hour and a bit before he got home from work and when he wasn't working I didn't do it full stop icon_razz.gif
  • jasian

    Posts: 21

    Jun 04, 2014 1:59 AM GMT
    TheGuyNextDoor saidI'm Old School too.. but then I prefer to live with a male roommate or a lover (soon to be husband).
    I can easily have a male roommate and not think sexual.
    Hey,, that's your bedroom over there. This one is mine.
    Night pal.

    Or, when you've found your match, you either move in with him and start a life together or your rommie moves on to make room for your new man.

    I like there being someone else in the house. Never worried ever what my friends or others had to say.
    Come to think of it,,, I have two tenants.
    Units A and B. Unit A has two guys that are bestest buds and party together with other friends.
    Unit B invited his BF to move in about a year ago.

    See, you can successfully do it both ways as I have in my earlier years.


    Agree with this!

    Don't ruin your friendship with your roommate. If he wants to show you his dick, you can say no and tell him it's inappropriate. If he wants to fuck, fuck, lol.
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    Jun 04, 2014 2:29 AM GMT
    Isn't the primary purpose of having a roommate to share expenses? The OP is generous for letting this guy stay with him so he can get on his feet. But I think the OP has also let his emotions take over by contemplating what a relationship would be like with this guy. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that but a set of expectations of getting a roommate should have been defined way before agreeing to move in together.
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    Jun 04, 2014 5:28 AM GMT
    only one time in my life had a roomie, when I first moved to LA 13 years ago, we met on a room mate matching service since we were like 2,500 miles apart, we are both european decent and we talked either on line or on the phone before I permanently left the midwest, he even talked to my mother!, the experience went well for the two years we roomed, he had a bf that he just broke up with thus the need for another half to help pay rent. we messed around a few times, once he came home late and found me eating some trick's ass out on the front couch, oh, those were the days icon_lol.gif

    I always told him, he looked much like this guy from backstreet boys, it was nice having someone there when you got home from work, dinners out or in..etc. I have always been independent but I had to do roomie thing in order to survive in that time period, I remember, he bought one of the first 40" Panasonic Plasma LCD tvs for $5k!, I told him to wait. We keep in touch

    081311MSMO416.jpg
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    Jun 04, 2014 5:36 AM GMT
    I had a roommate in college for a year. It was fine.

    If it's someone I can get along with, I really wouldn't mind having him as a roommate at all. And yes, hot/handsome roommate is a plus. icon_redface.gificon_redface.gif
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    Jun 04, 2014 8:02 AM GMT
    Erik101 saidIsn't the primary purpose of having a roommate to share expenses? The OP is generous for letting this guy stay with him so he can get on his feet. But I think the OP has also let his emotions take over by contemplating what a relationship would be like with this guy.


    It happened so quick though. I'll admit I was feeling real lonely and the idea of having a roommate seemed cool, and I don't regret anything. But now I too feel like he's starting to take the piss. He's not getting hours at work, not helping with rent/bills either. Then he wants to complain about why I don't allow him to have guys over. I'm supposed to be ok with him having guys over to fuck with, when he's walking around naked half the time and not paying any bills? I don't know what he takes me for, but I'm about to shut it down.

    I have another question for the whole, "what if he was straight" excuse. Well I'm gay. So, we have to ask it like this: what if it were a straight man and straight woman living together? Would a straight man be ok living with a woman (excluding those who are estranged) who walks around the house in her bikini and bra, or topless...without giving him any of it? I doubt it. Like I said, I understand roommate is a roommate...but you can't say we're just roommates, but then walk around naked, and say, "oh I just like being naked"
  • Svnw688

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    Jun 04, 2014 8:14 AM GMT
    Fuzzypecs:

    Oh Lord Jesus give me strength.

    1. You're doing a very nice act by letting him stay with you while he gets back on his feet. You're clearly very kind.

    2. You like him, but he doesn't like you. Never will. Get over it.

    3. He's showing himself around because either he's an exhibitionist or he knows you like him, and is teasing you in a playful way as "payment" or rent. He figures, well, I can't afford to pay the guy rent, so I'll flash my body because I know he likes me. This is why he rebuffs your sex offers.

    4. I've had many roommates in college and afterwards. Roommates are kind of annoying, but overall awesome. Keeps it from being so lonely. I hate having to turn on the TV so I don't feel alone when I'm living alone. It's not difficult to think of a roommate as just that and not a sex object. If you can't, then I'd say that's a personal defect (no worries, we all have defects) and you need to not have roommates.

    5. You're hot. Go find yourself a man who is into you. Mercy fucks do not a relationship make.
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    Jun 04, 2014 8:32 AM GMT
    Svnw688 said
    3. He's showing himself around because either he's an exhibitionist or he knows you like him, and is teasing you in a playful way as "payment" or rent. He figures, well, I can't afford to pay the guy rent, so I'll flash my body because I know he likes me. This is why he rebuffs your sex offers.

    4. It's not difficult to think of a roommate as just that and not a sex object. If you can't, then I'd say that's a personal defect (no worries, we all have defects) and you need to not have


    Lol, so funny. I never actually thought of #3 though. Well, I know he's an exhibitionist...but the whole teasing for rent thing would be something else. I rather tell him to keep his clothes on, because it's gonna be all or nothing. There's a reason I can't stand strip clubs and boy bars lol. #4,The reason why that is an issue for me, is probably the fact that we never had a friendship before moving in. I literally met the guy, he told me his situation (a my friend I met him thru already has a roomie), and 2 days later he moved in. It's like I'm getting to know a man in a way that my biologicals think it's dating lol.

    I know in the future, I won't agree to anything like this again. I'd rather be a little lonely, but still be able to explore my options...than to have someone taking up my space, making it "look" like it's actually something (as in, "the gay couple next door"), when really it ain't nothing. And even if I had a boyfriend, I still wouldn't want a roommate around when we're together.
  • Svnw688

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    Jun 04, 2014 8:41 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25:

    Emotions are a complicated matter. I think you're falling for him, hard. The problem seems to be that he's not into you physically (his loss, our gain). I'd recommend doing yourself a favor and forcing yourself to desexualize him. Don't JO to thoughts of him, establish a connection with another guy, even if only online. Your brain is starting the biochemical process of falling in love, so try to stop it. I know it hurts, but you're likely kidding yourself if you think it'll workout with him.

    I do have some good news. You're obviously a hot and caring guy, and you WILL find a man worthy of you. So stop crushin' on this one!icon_cool.gif
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    Jun 04, 2014 8:56 AM GMT
    Svnw688 saidFuzzyPecs25:

    Emotions are a complicated matter. I think you're falling for him, hard. The problem seems to be that he's not into you physically (his loss, our gain). I'd recommend doing yourself a favor and forcing yourself to desexualize him.


    to be honest...I feel I'm falling LESS in love with him, which is why I'm ready for him to LEAVE lol. I've already surmised and accepted, it's never going there. I asked him, and he's told me. But, because of that I'm feeling used. Why would he live with me, if he wasn't going to ever consider it? It's weird, because I never EXPECTED us to be more than roommates, but how he carries himself around me smells of deceit. He wants to walk around naked, expose his hard dick to me, jerk off in the shower together, etc...leading me to feel like it may go somewhere, but then tell me it's not?

    He's just an opportunist. I'm not going to blame him or not take responsibility for moving him in without discussing attraction upfront, but I can only put up with it for so long. Especially when I'm paying most of the bills STILL. He can go move in with his uncle and let him deal with it. I'm not the WON.
  • Svnw688

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    Jun 04, 2014 9:01 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25:

    I tend to agree with your analysis. I would only caution one thing. You are doing him a great favor. Yes, he might be an opportunist, but sheltering a person in their time of need, literally, is something that is a moral good (and in my opinion, is something that will merit you credit before God).

    Now, your brain is going to go all "I hate this MoFo, get out." But please don't make any rash decisions or speak in anger. Yes, he's free loading. But you literally hold his life in your hands right now. And you obviously don't really hate him because at one point you were considering having sex/a relationship with him. Be fair. Think about what you want/need and then talk to him. If he needs to move out, give him some time (a month or two) to get things together. I just don't want to see you kick him to the curb and him flail around and wind up at a shelter. Even if he doesn't appreciate it, you're doing a nice and moral act of mercy.
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    Jun 04, 2014 11:49 AM GMT
    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Cock+Lodger

    Except you are not even getting any sex. If he wants to be a proper cocklodger he needs to take his cocklodging responsibilities more seriously.
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:02 PM GMT
    I was just talking about his last night with my roommate, who happens to be VERY attractive, and straight.

    We both agreed on the same thing: You're fucking stupid if you can't have an attractive roommate without constantly wishing he'd put out.

    BTW, he's been staying with me for almost three months now, and is by far the best roommate I've ever had. Of course, it helps that he's also an avid mountain biker and we're always riding trails together.
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:18 PM GMT
    owl_bundy saidso you don't know how to basically deal with guys without love or sex being involved? sure explains a lot. it's really not that hard, man. you can find a guy attractive, get to know him , befriend without going any further. it's basically being a human being. how would you like it if someone just viewed you as a sex object? do you lust after your straight male friends too if you have any? you just seem very oversexed.


    LOL.
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    Jun 04, 2014 12:19 PM GMT
    scruffLA said
    081311MSMO416.jpg


    He's supposed to be hot?