I can't get over him

  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Jun 04, 2014 7:27 AM GMT
    Cringey title, I know.

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months in February. It was my first relationship (and subsequently sexual experience), and I fell pretty hard. It wasn't going to work, so I ended it not because I didn't love him, but because I didn't think it was right (he was 18, which is a large gap at my age, and very immature. A closet, unwilling to tell his friends, etc.). He didn't want me to end it, but I said we needed time apart...all the while knowing that would be the end of it there and then. The problem is, I still miss him every day. A lot. Last night I had a dream I contacted him and he'd moved on with a girl, and now I've woken up pretty blue.

    Why can't I let go of this relationship? Is it because I left it on a "we will get back together one day" note? I really want to move on, but at times I want to get back into contact with him. 3 and a half months on and I thought it'd hurt a little less to miss him... Any advice is grateful!

    EDIT: Sorry this isn't in the relationship section. I did make the topic there, but it wound up here...?
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    Jun 04, 2014 7:59 AM GMT
    It sounds like you were madly in love. To be honest, you don't just get over relationships like this - it takes a lot of time.

    He obviously meant a lot to you and brought a lot of happiness. Is there absolutely no chance you'd consider getting back together?

  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Jun 04, 2014 8:32 AM GMT
    I don't know... Maybe. I may have left it too late. On top of that, my sister and most of my friends hated how he treated me and hated him because of it, so it would alienate a lot of people who've stood by me during these post-break up months.
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    Jun 04, 2014 8:42 AM GMT
    Question: Do you still talk to him? Text? Facebook? Email or see him in person at all?
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Jun 04, 2014 8:55 AM GMT
    Lewnatic:

    Unfortunately, you have done a horrible thing. You ended what sounds like a loving relationship over your perceived "this isn't going anywhere" hunch. Quite frankly, you probably broke his heart and the pain you feel now is karma paying you back.

    Now I don't mean to sit in judgment, because the Lord knows I have made my share of mistakes, some worse than yours. But I've also paid for mine, as you're doing now by the pain you feel. There's so much pain and nastiness in the world, that when something like a relationship and love comes along you should nurture it, not throw a wrench in the works. If I were to speak candidly, I'd wager that either (1) you wanted to updeal him for a hotter guy or (2) you have intimacy issues, were getting to close to him, and so concocted this "it isn't going anywhere" issue in your head to justify pushing him out of your life.

    Now, you need absolution. Call him. Now. Or text. Find out if he's taken, apologize, explain yourself and offer an olive branch to see if he wants to be with you. If he does, great. If not, you'll know you did everything you could to get him back and you'll have closure.

    EDIT: How did he "treat you badly"? If he's a jerk, then F him. But I stand by my original analysis unless and until I hear some actual bad facts of what he did.
  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Jun 04, 2014 9:26 AM GMT
    There's no contact at all, I abstain from checking his Twitter and what not.

    And he's a jerk because he played with my insecurities. He even joked to me that he had herpies once because he thought my reaction, since he knows I overthink, would be hilarious. I wouldn't call it a loving relationship, I'd say I was in love and he blew hot and cold. I want to be over him far more than I want to be with him. My friends attribute it to it being my first serious relationship and "no one forgets their first." I just thought, after this time, I'd be over it.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Jun 04, 2014 9:33 AM GMT
    Lewnatic:

    Aww, I'm sorry. It sounds like you were right to end it then if the relationship was lop-sided and he was toying with your emotions.

    Hmm. I don't have any pearls of wisdom for your situation. Perhaps the best defense is a good offense? To that end, try to crush on someone else. Anyone else. Real, or online. Your brain won't know the difference. It's easier to get over the pain if you're occupied with your next "sweetie pie." Grindr, A4A, Manhunt, craigslist, RJ members, the bar, just do whatever it takes to find a mental distraction. It'll fade.
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    Jun 04, 2014 9:35 AM GMT
    It might be that you're feeling lonely and it's subconsciously making you to think about the times when you aren't alone.
    May be you should hangout with friends and family who are close to you for a while, spend some time with them, just talk and laugh. See if that brings any changes to how you feel about him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2014 10:36 AM GMT
    First love is tough... but keep yourself open to new opportunities and allow yourself to move on.

    It's OK to miss him, and it's OK to regret, just don't let the missing and the regret act like an anchor holding you back.

    You're a good looking guy... you'll find someone else.

    Like they say... the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!
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    Jun 04, 2014 10:56 AM GMT
    Lewnatic saidI can't get over him
    Yes you can. It's just gonna take longer than you intended it to.
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    Jun 04, 2014 11:46 AM GMT
    What's wrong with getting back into contact with him, just as friends? Lots of people keep in touch with their ex-partners. Sounds like you really need to talk to him.
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    Jun 04, 2014 2:55 PM GMT
    You're grieving a loss and you're trying to figure out what to do with the free time which makes you lonely and wanting. It takes time. Let yourself grieve, find other things to occupy your time. Try and find other people to hang with for a while and I think you'll find that the relationship will begin to fade as other priorities are made, then you can hit the road again in search of the perfect one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2014 7:25 PM GMT
    You never forget your first love. There is something about it that sets the tone for the next ones.
    Don't try so hard to get over him. Just try to live your life, talk to other people and take what you learned in hindsight and use that to figure out what you want your next relationship to look like based on it.
    Again, you will never truly get over him, since he is the first. But it doesn't mean you can't make room to love someone else even more. Cheers!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2014 1:37 AM GMT
    I thought this thread was going to be about david3k.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2014 2:07 AM GMT
    ^^
    lol, no, this is about an actual romance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2014 4:44 AM GMT
    Lewnatic saidThere's no contact at all, I abstain from checking his Twitter and what not.

    And he's a jerk because he played with my insecurities. He even joked to me that he had herpies once because he thought my reaction, since he knows I overthink, would be hilarious. I wouldn't call it a loving relationship, I'd say I was in love and he blew hot and cold. I want to be over him far more than I want to be with him. My friends attribute it to it being my first serious relationship and "no one forgets their first." I just thought, after this time, I'd be over it.


    The reason I asked is because normally when people can't get over someone, it's because they are constantly being reminded of them via texts, emails, Facebook etc. But if you're already not doing that, you're headed in the right direction. Just keep reminding yourself why you chose not to be with him and eventually it will pass.
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    Jun 05, 2014 7:45 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidYou're grieving a loss and you're trying to figure out what to do with the free time which makes you lonely and wanting. It takes time. Let yourself grieve, find other things to occupy your time. Try and find other people to hang with for a while and I think you'll find that the relationship will begin to fade as other priorities are made, then you can hit the road again in search of the perfect one.

    Eb925guy is right on.
    Time.
    Time.
    Time. It does eventually go away - just a long time. Also, to make it go faster, whenever you find a thought of him entering your head, stop, and consciously think of something else instead.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jun 05, 2014 2:47 PM GMT
    There's not much I can add to the wisdom posted above.. specially Hiker's post above.

    No contact, time, time and more time. And this is coming from someone who's moving on from a fling in which I fell very hard for the man. If your instincts and friends are telling you that things were unhealthy in the relationship, you made the right decision in moving. Now, you've to have the strength to keep with the process. Loneliness, needyness will tempt you to make contact (speaking from my experience here), but you must keep in mind the final goal: To move on towards your future and another more healthy relationship.
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    Jun 05, 2014 5:21 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidYou're grieving a loss and you're trying to figure out what to do with the free time which makes you lonely and wanting. It takes time. Let yourself grieve, find other things to occupy your time. Try and find other people to hang with for a while and I think you'll find that the relationship will begin to fade as other priorities are made, then you can hit the road again in search of the perfect one.


    +1

    You're already winning half the battle; you're not checking his Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc. - which could be very toxic when trying to move forward. Avoiding all of that and keeping your eyes on the path ahead is exactly where you need to be. Keep yourself busy. Find a new hobby. Make some new friends. Go on a trip, explore a new area, etc.

    I don't think another guy or a hook-up is the answer right now; that will likely leave you missing the intimacy and elements of the old one and just generate more confusion. It's only been two months, give yourself time to re-adjust to being the single 'you' before you met him, but also take this as a learning experience. You will move on and find your silver lining.

    GL!
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    Jun 05, 2014 6:16 PM GMT
    Give yourself time and try to move on to other things. Whether it's physical activities, groups, clubs, new interests, volunteering or hanging out with friends. Cultivate new friendships and associations with people.

    You will never forget him but you will slowly feel better. Keeping yourself busy helps and eventually you will feel like moving on to having relationships with other people.
  • Lewnatic

    Posts: 34

    Jun 08, 2014 8:34 AM GMT
    Thank you so much everyone. You've all given me some great advice and assured me that I'm not crazy in what I feel! I did see him yesterday by chance after a festival. Of all the buses to get on, he gets on mine. It was hard but I just powered through. I know I made the right decision!
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    Jun 17, 2014 3:44 PM GMT
    I can relate...
    However, I'm not exactly in a hurry to sweep my past relationship under a rug as if it never happened.

    Take your time to heal, or you'll end up hurting yourself or someone else.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jun 17, 2014 11:10 PM GMT
    Lewnatic saidThank you so much everyone. You've all given me some great advice and assured me that I'm not crazy in what I feel! I did see him yesterday by chance after a festival. Of all the buses to get on, he gets on mine. It was hard but I just powered through. I know I made the right decision!


    Good that you posted an update.. and good to hear you've been moving on.

    I'm here four weeks after a terrible setback from a guy I was seeing last fall. Been feeling good too. He has receeded from my mind.. and I'm even seeing someone new. No contact works.