When a 2nd date gets flaked, do you allow a reschedule?

  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Jun 04, 2014 11:10 PM GMT
    Had a really positive 1st date 2 days ago, we got a drink at the coffee joint and talked for 3 hours while checking out a few stores.

    My date (about a level 7-10 cutenesss) setup a 2nd date for tonight. I'm just starting to date again after a 10 month relationship that ended in liescheating, and theft.

    So i texted this AM to confirm.

    Got a reply 6.5 hours later went something like this:

    Hey you icon_smile.gif
    -Apologized for late response, made excuse that today was super busy
    -Explained best friend flew in and invited him to BBQ
    -Asked if we can rescedule and said "I hope you can/want to"

    If you guys had any advice or relatable experiences I'd love to hear from ya
    *leaving me hanging for nearly 7 hours when I followed up my AM text with a phone call and left and a message did bugg me. Seemed like slight to medium disrespect. I want my next guy I'm with to know I see myself as ALPHA , not an average beta that can be dicked around with.

    I do wanna see him again however, even though after waiting most the dayI actually just deleted his number:
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    Jun 04, 2014 11:25 PM GMT
    So - HE set up the second date. You contacted him to confirm. He takes 6.5 hours to send his regrets (claiming his best friend flew in and suddenly invited him to a BBQ). He wants to reschedule your date.......just a few hours before it was to happen. It bothers me that his friend suddenly flew in. People don't go to the airport and suddenly take a flight to visit someone with ZERO notice. Doesn't sound realistic to me. I don't believe the BBQ and the flight were all planned and implemented in just a few hours. This guy should have given you much more notice that he was busy that night. The way it sounds is that he suddenly got a better offer (or at least an offer he was more interested in accepting). If he'd been a decent guy, he'd have sent his regrets to the BBQ and honored your date. We all deserve better treatment than that.

    Someone bright once said we each have to TEACH people how we want and deserve to be treated. TEACH this clown that his rudeness is unacceptable with you. I think you did the right thing dropping him.
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Jun 04, 2014 11:55 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidSo - HE set up the second date. You contacted him to confirm. He takes 6.5 hours to send his regrets (claiming his best friend flew in and suddenly invited him to a BBQ). He wants to reschedule your date.......just a few hours before it was to happen. It bothers me that his friend suddenly flew in. People don't go to the airport and suddenly take a flight to visit someone with ZERO notice. Doesn't sound realistic to me. I don't believe the BBQ and the flight were all planned and implemented in just a few hours. This guy should have given you much more notice that he was busy that night. The way it sounds is that he suddenly got a better offer (or at least an offer he was more interested in accepting). If he'd been a decent guy, he'd have sent his regrets to the BBQ and honored your date. We all deserve better treatment than that.

    Someone bright once said we each have to TEACH people how we want and deserve to be treated. TEACH this clown that his rudeness is unacceptable with you. I think you did the right thing dropping him.


    Thanks jockbod, so he did mention on our first date monday that his friend/best friend? was flying in this week.

    I don't like that he dropped me for this other person when I understood from our first date he would already be hitting up the gay club friday and also weekend pride events with these friends, or is it just a friend? Idk anymore

    I see my options are
    -to say "okay" and just go with it
    -to "soft next" him, no reply contact for 3days atleast to a week
    -honest text pointing out my confusion/problem/dissapointment with his choice to blow off our 2nd date
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2014 12:54 AM GMT
    I would just move on :c

    if he wants to make it up to you - he'll put forth effort. Is bad form and he knows it.

    Let him reschedule! Or maybe call him to see what he thinks over the phone... The text message is awkward..

  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Jun 05, 2014 5:13 AM GMT
    I waited 6.5 hours haha and sent him a "Okay, no harm done icon_smile.gif"text

    Pretty genius in my opinion, because I just cast all his nonsense about why he took so long and why he was flaking aside.

    I learned this angle from the pick up artist forums out there where they give girls a 3 strikes rule vs the typical forum active RJ'ers 1 strike rule

    Bases on my research, I aso found it interesting that for about every 20 RJ'ers who say forget em after one "flake scenariov there are only about 2 more level headed "cut him some slack" types

    And in the 6.5 hour mean time, I worked out at the gym and just made new plans with another grindR guy. I got an italian soda and still ended up hot tubbing. The replacement guy was lack luster unfortunately, but I still stuck with my plans to do something tonight.

    I learned a lot from this experience and hopefully it will help someons else out

    1. Stick with your plans, build a confidence that no chickenhead guy is gonna deter you from your valuable life and important schedule
    2. Don't allow your ego to bruise or your pride to overtake your abilty to stay cool, calm, and collected at all times. Because you don't know what's gonna happen

    I was pretty torn up earlier today but it passed over
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    Jun 05, 2014 7:37 AM GMT
    I think your plan (2nd chance) was OK. Because he let you know several hours in advance that he wanted to reschedule. I would have been annoyed, but kept it to myself. If he just blew you off, and did not respond, or if he cancels t the last minute a 2nd time, then he would be history. Situational etiquette: Rudeness is now a matter of degree. So many guys are are noshows these days, that if someone calls to cancel a couple hours ahead they now fall into the good (but "watchful waiting" ) category. (Be forewarned that this behavior might be an omen of future behavior.)
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    Jun 05, 2014 2:29 PM GMT
    You touch on an interesting point. The PUA forums are more lenient. Also, when a guy does this to one of my female friends they engage in a mutual debate about what could be wrong then decide to give him the benefit of the doubt.

    I think that because gay guys are more similar to each other these offences are seen for what they are. When I am chatting with a guy on Grindr then contact him the next day to no response, I have no intention of speaking to him again even if we were stuck in a lift for 8 hours. He will still send a message 2 weeks later but it will be more half-hearted than a straight person will send, and I will ignore it. It saves me a lot of grief. And yet, most gay guys are single for extended periods of time, maybe we should be more lenient?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 05, 2014 2:45 PM GMT
    Well done, Glowstik. I agree with you. So many guys here are trigger-happy to say "dump him" with the slightest bump in the road. Life happens and sometimes we make mistakes. Giving yourself a cooling off period was smart.
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    Jun 05, 2014 7:07 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidWell done, Glowstik. I agree with you. So many guys here are trigger-happy to say "dump him" with the slightest bump in the road. Life happens and sometimes we make mistakes. Giving yourself a cooling off period was smart.

    But it sounds like he did dump him….in a heartbeat. He zapped his number

    (I do wanna see him again however, even though after waiting most the dayI actually just deleted his numbericon_smile.gif

    after the very first posting. I guess that means you really didn't enjoy him that much or you're super controlling. You went out with the guy one time and scheduled a second time, the guy cancels and apologizes, explains why (which corroborates with his 'date comments' and indicates he really wants to see you again and you delete his number. Wow. A lot of people don't have the luxury of having their phones on during work or school or have the time to reply quickly or any other number of reasons so I think you more than jumped the gun but hey, I guess you want more from a date than that. Good luck!
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 05, 2014 10:50 PM GMT
    It's good that you didn't bend over backwards for him. It sucks when these things happen and I'm sure you really liked him but imagine if you did accept his apology and he did something like that again? Of course, maybe he wouldn't but that's the problem, you never know.

    I only say this because I fell into a similar situation with a guy once. I met him and there seemed to be some chemistry. We didn't have sex or anything but our conversation we had seemed be really mind stimulating. So of course, he scheduled a second meet and I accepted. The day he scheduled, I didn't hear anything from him. After the time we were supposed to meet passed, I texted him asking if he still wanted to meet. No reply at all. So I tried calling him = no answer. The next day, he contacted me apologizing and sharing some excuse and wanted to reschedule. I was in a forgiving mood at the time so I accepted. Same thing happened again. At that point, I cut off contact from him.

    Then, a year later, he hits me up (he kept my phone number but I didn't keep his) and asked me to give him a second chance. "Sure... Why not? People can change in a year?". Long story short, he pulled the same stunt again only this time, I ended it after his 2nd "reschedule." Never again will I let someone treat me like that. I'm very patient but that's just ridiculous. I'm pretty sure I got played. badly lol. But it still hurt.

    I only share this story because I wouldn't want anyone else to go through something like that. It was awful. If you still like this guy and he contacts you later at some point, you should do whatever your head & heart tells you. The only person who can make the decision is you after all. With that said, I hope it all works out. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2014 5:17 PM GMT
    glowstik said I want my next guy I'm with to know I see myself as ALPHA , not an average beta that can be dicked around with.

    Sounds like an attitude problem to me.

    glowstik said1. Stick with your plans, build a confidence that no chickenhead guy is gonna deter you from your valuable life and important schedule

    It's not confidence, it's insecurity that allows your pride to generate this attitude that your time is more valuable than another persons. A confident guy would've been confident in the fact that his date is still interested in him, not offended by the fact that his date didn't halt all ongoing activities in his life for him.

    You text'd him in the morning - perhaps he wasn't up that early, perhaps he was busy working or doing something else. If you enjoyed your first date with this guy and really would've liked to see him again, you should have been more understanding. No one likes a guy that is butt-hurt and oversensitive about these things; frankly, it's annoying and unattractive, especially if you do have a legitimate reason to reschedule a date.

    If you want good guys that barely even know you to bend over backwards for you, have fun spending your important, valuable time alone or with lackluster guy #2.
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Jun 06, 2014 11:49 PM GMT
    Rolfron said
    glowstik said I want my next guy I'm with to know I see myself as ALPHA , not an average beta that can be dicked around with.

    Sounds like an attitude problem to me.

    glowstik said1. Stick with your plans, build a confidence that no chickenhead guy is gonna deter you from your valuable life and important schedule

    It's not confidence, it's insecurity that allows your pride to generate this attitude that your time is more valuable than another persons. A confident guy would've been confident in the fact that his date is still interested in him, not offended by the fact that his date didn't halt all ongoing activities in his life for him.

    You text'd him in the morning - perhaps he wasn't up that early, perhaps he was busy working or doing something else. If you enjoyed your first date with this guy and really would've liked to see him again, you should have been more understanding. No one likes a guy that is butt-hurt and oversensitive about these things; frankly, it's annoying and unattractive, especially if you do have a legitimate reason to reschedule a date.

    If you want good guys that barely even know you to bend over backwards for you, have fun spending your important, valuable time alone or with lackluster guy #2.


    You're so far off in left field in a laughable way that I had to reply to set you back on course. I'll just touch on the "halting" theory you introduced. So that point is totally invalid seeing how my date made the plans and a verbal commitment to be there. He made the decision to renegg on his word and do something else.

    I was understanding, he wanted to do something else so I said "okay, no harm done."

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    Jun 07, 2014 4:37 AM GMT
    glowstik saidYou're so far off in left field in a laughable way that I had to reply to set you back on course. I'll just touch on the "halting" theory you introduced. So that point is totally invalid seeing how my date made the plans and a verbal commitment to be there. He made the decision to renegg on his word and do something else.

    I was understanding, he wanted to do something else so I said "okay, no harm done."


    Yeah and then you deleted his number. It isn't so much a "theory"... it's actually quite a simple idea.

    I've read and understood your story the first time; the line in which I've used the word "halt" was in reference to your disdain over the fact it took him 6.5 painful hours to reply to your morning confirmation. Your point is irrelevant to anything I've said.

    It's no wonder you think I'm far out in left field icon_lol.gif .
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    Jun 07, 2014 5:24 AM GMT
    This happened to a guy I was just dating. Exactly to the T!

    All I can say is know what you're limits are, and I found out that being flaky and bailing out in the last minute and late responses shows lack of interest. Because If a guy really liked you he would go out of his way just to be able to see you.

  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Jun 08, 2014 2:11 AM GMT
    Varus saidThis happened to a guy I was just dating. Exactly to the T!

    All I can say is know what you're limits are, and I found out that being flaky and bailing out in the last minute and late responses shows lack of interest. Because If a guy really liked you he would go out of his way just to be able to see you.



    quotes for Gospel, this is exactly how I feel and my feelings towards the other person are irrelevent when you consider what Varus is saying.

    I saw him at pride today, 2 huggs were exchanged and he said "lets go out this week" and "i got 21 messages I need to respond to." (which i guess included mine)
  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 715

    Jun 08, 2014 5:18 AM GMT
    Rolfron said
    glowstik said I want my next guy I'm with to know I see myself as ALPHA , not an average beta that can be dicked around with.

    Sounds like an attitude problem to me.

    glowstik said1. Stick with your plans, build a confidence that no chickenhead guy is gonna deter you from your valuable life and important schedule

    It's not confidence, it's insecurity that allows your pride to generate this attitude that your time is more valuable than another persons. A confident guy would've been confident in the fact that his date is still interested in him, not offended by the fact that his date didn't halt all ongoing activities in his life for him.

    You text'd him in the morning - perhaps he wasn't up that early, perhaps he was busy working or doing something else. If you enjoyed your first date with this guy and really would've liked to see him again, you should have been more understanding. No one likes a guy that is butt-hurt and oversensitive about these things; frankly, it's annoying and unattractive, especially if you do have a legitimate reason to reschedule a date.

    If you want good guys that barely even know you to bend over backwards for you, have fun spending your important, valuable time alone or with lackluster guy #2.


    Totally agree. Why delete his number? Let him initiate the next contact to make it up to you.
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    Jun 08, 2014 3:39 PM GMT
    glowstik said
    Varus saidThis happened to a guy I was just dating. Exactly to the T!

    All I can say is know what you're limits are, and I found out that being flaky and bailing out in the last minute and late responses shows lack of interest. Because If a guy really liked you he would go out of his way just to be able to see you.



    quotes for Gospel, this is exactly how I feel and my feelings towards the other person are irrelevent when you consider what Varus is saying.

    I saw him at pride today, 2 huggs were exchanged and he said "lets go out this week" and "i got 21 messages I need to respond to." (which i guess included mine)


    Oh my god he's an even bigger dick than I thought. Tell him he only needs to respond to 20, and delete his number for good.
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    Jun 08, 2014 3:42 PM GMT
    Also, about deleting numbers, I do it too. It guarantees you won't crack and text him. Also, if he waits a long time before messaging you, you have to ask who it is who is messaging you which shows you have moved on. I only do it with people I have no intention of dating again.
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Jun 08, 2014 9:44 PM GMT
    Ohno said
    glowstik said
    Varus saidThis happened to a guy I was just dating. Exactly to the T!

    All I can say is know what you're limits are, and I found out that being flaky and bailing out in the last minute and late responses shows lack of interest. Because If a guy really liked you he would go out of his way just to be able to see you.



    quotes for Gospel, this is exactly how I feel and my feelings towards the other person are irrelevent when you consider what Varus is saying.

    I saw him at pride today, 2 huggs were exchanged and he said "lets go out this week" and "i got 21 messages I need to respond to." (which i guess included mine)


    Oh my god he's an even bigger dick than I thought. Tell him he only needs to respond to 20, and delete his number for good.


    As the young people say "I know , right?" He told me to call him when we intereacted "but I'm not gonna crack. I already did by saying "I wanna see you again" that was enough. Lesson learned and maybe I'll just chaulk it up it up to the fact that I'm an eager, excitable, sweet boy thats just coming off a 10 month relationship.
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    Jun 08, 2014 11:27 PM GMT
    glowstik said
    Ohno said
    glowstik said
    Varus saidThis happened to a guy I was just dating. Exactly to the T!

    All I can say is know what you're limits are, and I found out that being flaky and bailing out in the last minute and late responses shows lack of interest. Because If a guy really liked you he would go out of his way just to be able to see you.



    quotes for Gospel, this is exactly how I feel and my feelings towards the other person are irrelevent when you consider what Varus is saying.

    I saw him at pride today, 2 huggs were exchanged and he said "lets go out this week" and "i got 21 messages I need to respond to." (which i guess included mine)


    Oh my god he's an even bigger dick than I thought. Tell him he only needs to respond to 20, and delete his number for good.


    As the young people say "I know , right?" He told me to call him when we intereacted "but I'm not gonna crack. I already did by saying "I wanna see you again" that was enough. Lesson learned and maybe I'll just chaulk it up it up to the fact that I'm an eager, excitable, sweet boy thats just coming off a 10 month relationship.


    You hooked up. He got his itch scratched. He's on to something new.
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    Jun 08, 2014 11:54 PM GMT
    glowstik said...

    So i texted this AM to confirm.

    Got a reply 6.5 hours later went something like this:

    Hey you icon_smile.gif
    -Apologized for late response, made excuse that today was super busy
    -Explained best friend flew in and invited him to BBQ
    -Asked if we can rescedule and said "I hope you can/want to"

    ...


    You're an "option", not a "priority".
    He made a commitment to you. And, instead of honoring the commitment, and/or negotiating (perhaps) an extension of a "+1" BBQ invitation to include you, he opted to break his commitmentment to you and go do someone something else.

    Verdict: Flake.

    Sentence: Blow him off.

    Your self-respect is all that is at stake here.
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    Jun 09, 2014 1:35 AM GMT
    Hate to say it....but in my experience, gay men are among the most shallow, self-centered, unforgiving, junkies of instant gratification around. To say that gays are flakes in the dating world is a gross understatement. Unrealistic expectations of perfection in everything about the guy the date the sex, the chemistry, the communications,...everything. As soon as an imperfection shows....rather than work with it and communicate....gay guys BAIL...because there is no instant gratification to be seen in the working on a relationship....Lots of gay men are single for just this reason....and others.
    This isn't so much about being perceived as an "ALPHA male" that won't be "trifled" with, as it is about unrealistic expectations and bad communication of news that didn't meet the instant gratification need. Sorry....but everyone gets a single free pass.....if there is a second dating "fuck up"....Strike 2.....and a warning....if there is a 3rd strike...game over, move on to your next ex.
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Jun 09, 2014 6:14 PM GMT
    Blondizgd said
    glowstik said
    Ohno said
    glowstik said
    Varus saidThis happened to a guy I was just dating. Exactly to the T!

    All I can say is know what you're limits are, and I found out that being flaky and bailing out in the last minute and late responses shows lack of interest. Because If a guy really liked you he would go out of his way just to be able to see you.



    quotes for Gospel, this is exactly how I feel and my feelings towards the other person are irrelevent when you consider what Varus is saying.

    I saw him at pride today, 2 huggs were exchanged and he said "lets go out this week" and "i got 21 messages I need to respond to." (which i guess included mine)


    Oh my god he's an even bigger dick than I thought. Tell him he only needs to respond to 20, and delete his number for good.


    As the young people say "I know , right?" He told me to call him when we intereacted "but I'm not gonna crack. I already did by saying "I wanna see you again" that was enough. Lesson learned and maybe I'll just chaulk it up it up to the fact that I'm an eager, excitable, sweet boy thats just coming off a 10 month relationship.



    You hooked up. He got his itch scratched. He's on to something new.


    I / we didn't hook up ya giant dullard wow

    Lots of good comments and input obviously from experience being posted
  • BryUSC88

    Posts: 198

    Jun 11, 2014 2:43 AM GMT
    I hope I'm not being negative, but I'm MUCH less tolerant of flakiness than I used to be. I learned the hard way that stuff like that is a pattern and rarely a one time thing. One of my favorite sayings is "When someone shows you their true colors, believe them the first time".
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    Jun 11, 2014 8:56 AM GMT
    He's not that interested in you and you're probably his back up plan. Sorry to sound harsh but that's the way I see it. If I'm into a guy a lot, I'd take 1-2 mins to text him back for sure. I've done this in the past to guys Whom I had mixed feelings for after the 1st date. Feelings change, people change.