Open relationship problem

  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    Jun 05, 2014 7:50 AM GMT
    Hey there. I need your insight guys.

    My bf and I have been together for a little over a year. It's been a bumpy ride, but we both agree it's also been an amazing experience getting to know each other, falling for each other etc. Unfortunately we don't live in the same city anymore because of work and recently he started asking me about having an open relationship. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm probably the most open-minded person ever. I do know these relationships work and they are by no means worse than the monogamous ones. The thing is, he wants our relationship to be open for him only. He wants to have sex with other guys from time to time, but does not want me to do the same. The 'have your cake and eat it too' kind of thing. He's told me he's wired that way and also admitted to cheating on me several times. It hurt a lot. Not that he had sex with someone else, be he flat out lied to me... He says he doesn't want it to happen again so opening our relationship could help. It's absolutely ludicrous in my opinion. I don't feel the need to fuck around with other guys, but hey, if the opportunity strikes, who knows. But then again, I'm not allowed to meet other people... I love him and I believe he does love me as well, but I can't wrap my head around it. I now know for a fact that he will not be faithful to me, but at the same time I don't want to lose him. 14 months is not a long time, but I feel like he's the one. We've been talking about it all for a long time and every time we end up fighting. It's such a mess and I feel it's only gonna get worse... What do I do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2014 7:57 AM GMT
    If a dom/sub relationship is your thing, go for it.
    It's the right name for that kind of deal.
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    Jun 05, 2014 12:12 PM GMT
    "I'm probably the most open-minded person ever." Then quit whining.
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    Jun 05, 2014 1:44 PM GMT
    Dump him and find a real man. He sounds controlling.
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    Jun 05, 2014 2:04 PM GMT
    Actually....before I met Bill I was in a relationship with someone who did the same thing, Graffiti.

    Cheated several times, then admitted it, then asked for an open relationship (but I was supposed to remain monogamous). The worst part of this was that if I refused, he'd be back to cheating. If I said yes, he'd be sleeping around but at least I'd know about it.

    Guess what I did? icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 05, 2014 2:16 PM GMT
    14 months is a long time to just now be finding this out. He's a liar and most likely a narcissist. Be glad you live in different cities. It will make getting over him much easier.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 05, 2014 2:33 PM GMT
    If he was fairly active sexually before you two met, some of it may simply be a habit, an itch he wants to scratch. I think the fact that he wants you to be monogamous suggests he cares. If you can handle the doubt, ask him to try a six month period of monogamy. He may just need to change his familiar patterns. He may agree (and honor it) if he sees it as short term. Then talk it over. I tried long distance open relationships in the past and they just very seldom work. Worth a shot!
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jun 05, 2014 3:11 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidDump him and find a real man. He sounds controlling.


    This x 1000.

    I read halfway thru your paragraph and immediately I went 'nope, nope, and nope'. A relationship only open on his end is controlling and is abusive. Dump him and move on. And do it quickly before it gets worse. And believe me, it'll get worse. I had a friend who got involved with a middle eastern man last year and it was exactly this way. The guy was tremendously controlling and things ended up terribly. My friend went thru oodles of pain. Disconnect here and move on.
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    Jun 05, 2014 3:34 PM GMT
    Manipulative much?

    I would've been done after the lying and the cheating. Now he's basically asking for permission to cheat whenever he wants to - without allowing you the same entitlement. You feel it's only going to get worse - ya think?

    I'm sorry but if I were you, there would be absolutely no discussion, just two words out of my mouth: "It's over". I would rather be alone than to have to be worrying about which STD I have the potential to contract from my boyfriend.
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    Jun 05, 2014 6:51 PM GMT
    I think that's one of the most selfish things I've ever heard. If he wants an open relationship, then it's open for both of you, otherwise he remains celibate. I don't see that happening since he's already cheated on you and the trust factor has been totally violated. It sounds toxic and I'm not usually one to say walk away without really trying but in this instance, with the distance and current/past issues, I have to agree with others, it's time to move on and find someone more to your liking. Good luck.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 06, 2014 12:30 AM GMT
    Rolfron saidI would rather be alone than to have to be worrying about which STD I have the potential to contract from my boyfriend.


    This right here.
  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    Jun 07, 2014 1:25 AM GMT
    The thing is, he is the only guy I have ever truly loved. He's unlike anyone I've ever met. We connect on so many levels and I believe this is the 'meant-to-be' kind of thing. It hurts a lot sometimes and I really do want to leave him and never look back but I always get second thoughts and decide to stay. It's very unhealthy, I realize that. I'm also very insecure. I settle for less, because I think nobody else will ever even bother to get to know me.

    I know he cares about me and loves me. I also know that he is like that because of what happened to him in the past. His parents left him when he was a kid, then his first relationship and after 4 years his ex just packed his bags and left, without even saying goodbye. I don't know, maybe this open relationship thing is what feels safe for him. It's all so confusing. I'm actually willing to let him do whatever he wants outside of our relationship as long as I know I matter the most. Sex and love can easily be separated as far as I'm concerned. What I am worried about is whether that will work for both of us, not just him. He says he doesn't want to do it often and promises he will only have sex if opportunity strikes. He also said he wants me to be there at times, either actively or passively. Go figure.
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    Jun 07, 2014 1:44 AM GMT
    GraffitiMySoul26 saidThe thing is, he is the only guy I have ever truly loved. He's unlike anyone I've ever met. We connect on so many levels and I believe this is the 'meant-to-be' kind of thing. It hurts a lot sometimes and I really do want to leave him and never look back but I always get second thoughts and decide to stay. It's very unhealthy, I realize that. I'm also very insecure. I settle for less, because I think nobody else will ever even bother to get to know me.

    I know he cares about me and loves me. I also know that he is like that because of what happened to him in the past. His parents left him when he was a kid, then his first relationship and after 4 years his ex just packed his bags and left, without even saying goodbye. I don't know, maybe this open relationship thing is what feels safe for him. It's all so confusing. I'm actually willing to let him do whatever he wants outside of our relationship as long as I know I matter the most. Sex and love can easily be separated as far as I'm concerned. What I am worried about is whether that will work for both of us, not just him. He says he doesn't want to do it often and promises he will only have sex if opportunity strikes. He also said he wants me to be there at times, either actively or passively. Go figure.

    Drop him, you're being used.
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Jun 07, 2014 2:28 AM GMT
    GraffitiMySoul26 saidThe thing is, he is the only guy I have ever truly loved. He's unlike anyone I've ever met. We connect on so many levels and I believe this is the 'meant-to-be' kind of thing. It hurts a lot sometimes and I really do want to leave him and never look back but I always get second thoughts and decide to stay. It's very unhealthy, I realize that. I'm also very insecure. I settle for less, because I think nobody else will ever even bother to get to know me.

    I know he cares about me and loves me. I also know that he is like that because of what happened to him in the past. His parents left him when he was a kid, then his first relationship and after 4 years his ex just packed his bags and left, without even saying goodbye. I don't know, maybe this open relationship thing is what feels safe for him. It's all so confusing. I'm actually willing to let him do whatever he wants outside of our relationship as long as I know I matter the most. Sex and love can easily be separated as far as I'm concerned. What I am worried about is whether that will work for both of us, not just him. He says he doesn't want to do it often and promises he will only have sex if opportunity strikes. He also said he wants me to be there at times, either actively or passively. Go figure.


    You are in a relationship haze, I also experienced this. You are enabling his lies and cheating a making excuses for why it's okay. Ending a relationship is difficult, but being able to do so when there is a fatal flaw is the true sign of maturity and self respect.
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    Jun 07, 2014 3:53 AM GMT
    This will sound sort of harsh, because SOMETHING needs to wake your ass up......As long as you are a pussy that can be pushed and stepped on as he pleases....and don't have the balls to take a stand for yourself as far as what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship....be happy with your 2nd rate status in his book. Be happy that he gets the best of all worlds and you get his left overs if it makes him happy. Your "pleasure" is supposed to be in making him happy and satisfied..... this is NOT an equitable relationship, not healthy and will border on abuse. Compromise is not a one-sided give and take that you get shit and he is free to do what he wants.
    "The one" won't treat you like this.....a liar, cheater, master manipulator will treat you like this... IF YOU ALLOW IT.
    Get you keys and anything important back from him and give him his shit and walking papers....Sweet talkers are GREAT LIARS!
    NOW WAKE UP!....DUMP HIS ASS!And RECLAIM YOUR DIGNITY, SELF WORTH AND RESPECT.....because he sure doesn't care about any of that for you....harsh enough? Get your attention?...Do the appropriate thing!

    Here are some balls for you to use until you find your own.....
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 07, 2014 4:16 AM GMT
    It's over ... make it quick and cut the cord now and avoid a whole lot of hell

    community-cord-cut-21.gif
  • phildec159

    Posts: 32

    Jun 27, 2014 10:29 AM GMT
    GraffitiMySoul26 saidThe thing is, he is the only guy I have ever truly loved. He's unlike anyone I've ever met. We connect on so many levels and I believe this is the 'meant-to-be' kind of thing. It hurts a lot sometimes and I really do want to leave him and never look back but I always get second thoughts and decide to stay. It's very unhealthy, I realize that. I'm also very insecure. I settle for less, because I think nobody else will ever even bother to get to know me.

    I know he cares about me and loves me. I also know that he is like that because of what happened to him in the past. His parents left him when he was a kid, then his first relationship and after 4 years his ex just packed his bags and left, without even saying goodbye. I don't know, maybe this open relationship thing is what feels safe for him. It's all so confusing. I'm actually willing to let him do whatever he wants outside of our relationship as long as I know I matter the most. Sex and love can easily be separated as far as I'm concerned. What I am worried about is whether that will work for both of us, not just him. He says he doesn't want to do it often and promises he will only have sex if opportunity strikes. He also said he wants me to be there at times, either actively or passively. Go figure.


    I'm sorry but this just sounds like a complete mess. Neither of you guys seem to be getting what you need from this relationship. First of all, he's cheated on you and lied to you, so I can't understand why you could still be in this relationship simply for lack of trust. Also, he's treating you like an object, not as a significant other. If he loves you the way you say he does, then he'd put in the work to make it work, otherwise, you are just an object to him that he doesn't want to share.

    And as for your part, you're just afraid of being lonely, which is understandable, but you're mistaking it for true love. There are tons of other guys out there that possess the same qualities that you are looking for and more. I know for a fact that you can connect on multiple levels with many other guys and that if you are patient, you'll find the one that fits you perfectly. Don't settle for a guy that doesn't even care enough to try and really make it work. If you stay with him, you'll be wasting your time. Break it up and go out and live your life. Right now you need to focus on loving yourself more than loving someone else, and when you finally do that, you'll find someone that can love you just as much as you love yourself.

    Basically, he's not a whole person. From what you've revealed, he's been through a bit and it's left him fragmented. As for you, you don't know what you really want, so you're ready to settle for what you have, even though it's not healthy for you. You guys aren't helping each other by holding on to this.
  • radtot

    Posts: 26

    Jun 28, 2014 10:19 PM GMT
    leave him, you're hurting yourself. live your life and there are too much guys out there.
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    Jun 28, 2014 10:32 PM GMT
    Do you hear yourself when you wrote that? Like what normal person would put up with that bullshit?!
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Jun 29, 2014 5:41 AM GMT
    Exactly what is the endgame? You are not together now, that isnt a relationship, hes a penpal. Its over already what cant you see about that?
  • Jockasian703

    Posts: 73

    Jul 13, 2014 10:03 PM GMT
    I have not read anyones comments nor post but open relationship in general is no good in my book.
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    Jul 13, 2014 10:30 PM GMT
    smartmoney said"I'm probably the most open-minded person ever." Then quit whining.


    Exactly
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1165

    Jul 13, 2014 10:54 PM GMT
    Consider the source of the advice here... guy above is in one of these "arrangements"
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    Jul 14, 2014 12:35 AM GMT
    Do what's best for you and don't accept anything that makes you unhappy. It's sounds simple but just work through what you really want, not overly emotional responses. Most open relationships don't work out, sure but many closed ones don't either. Since you guys want to still be together it may be workable at least for a while. Are you a jealous type? If you are ignore the school yard response to get over it coz you won't and you will probably have to leave him at some point. Gay men generally don't value relationships very highly so the upside is if you leave him there's always more guys out there
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    Jul 15, 2014 7:27 PM GMT
    It sounds like you would put up with just about anything to be in a "relationship" with this man, and that you can rationalize just about anything that he chooses to do and requires of you.

    Maybe you should just figure out what is your bottom line: the behavior or arrangement that would be absolutely intolerable to you. Once you've figured that out you can just continue going along with whatever he decides and you can feel better by reminding yourself that it hasn't reached the breaking point yet so you don't need to worry about it. Or maybe you'll figure out that you have no bottom line and that absolutely anything is okay with you as long as he is still in a "relationship" with you. In that case, your problem is solved, provided there's no dangerous domestic violence.

    Good luck!