Dating Advice Needed Please!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2014 8:22 PM GMT
    I've already discussed this with my only gay friend, but he didn't provide much insight, so as a last resort I figured I'd post here for some advice.

    So first off, my dating experience is very limited. I've only had 2 boyfriends before, and in both cases and when I've casually dated, I've gotten burned. I took a long break from dating, but decided to jump back into the shark tank earlier this year. Needless to say I've forgotten how to "play the game."

    Alright, so now that's out the way, here's some background info on the situation. I began chatting with this guy (we'll call him Jeff) on Scruff last fall. It was never sexual or anything, just strictly friends. We shared some common interests -- sci-fi/star trek/fitness/wine to name a few -- and enjoyed chatting with each other. Shortly thereafter, we swapped numbers and began texting back and fourth. We had discussed meeting up, but were never able to make any solid plans or coordinate our schedules. We both got busy and communication ceased.

    I had deleted Scruff and was just focusing on myself and not guys/dating for a while, and I re-installed the app a few months ago. I saw him online nearby me and shot him a friendly "hello." We started texting each other again and seemed to have picked right back up where we had left off.

    It was the first weekend of May that he invited me over to his place one Saturday to hang out at the pool. We had a great time -- good conversation, enjoyed each others company, flirted some, and of course had some drinks (it was a pool party afterall!). We ended up having sex and I spent the night at his place. The next week, I met up with him and his place and we watched Star Trek Voyager, ate dinner, and I spent the night and we hooked up again.

    We continued texting and talking to each other on a daily basis, and last week he invited me to go out to dinner and out for drinks with his friends on Friday. Well I ended up spending the entire weekend with him. Again, we had a great time and hooked up several times.

    But ever since last weekend something has changed. Communication with him has been very sporadic. If he does text me, it's at random times, and he's either flat out ignored my reply or has responded hours later. For example, I messaged him yesterday morning, "Hope you have a great day!" hours went by and I hadn't heard from him. I send him the icon_neutral.gif emoji and he said, "Why the long face?" I didn't want to say something like, "because you ignored me" so I just asked him how his day was and he never replied back.

    I'm feeling really confused and not sure what to do about the situation. I don't want to keep bugging him and come off as clingy and needy. I just don't get why he's acting so dismissive. Should I just sit back and let him text/call me if he wants to? Should I ask him what's wrong? I don't expect him to text me all day everyday, but if he wants to continue this with me he needs to make a better effort to maintain the dialogue. Is he just not that into me? Should I let it go? Should I wait it out?

    I feel like he's giving me mixed signals and it's very frustrating and irritating!

    Any insight is appreciated. And thanks for reading all of this.
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    Jun 05, 2014 8:35 PM GMT
    I forgot to mention he's still on Scruff. I still have the app installed, but my profile is blank. I just checked, and he's online.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 05, 2014 8:52 PM GMT
    It is awfully hard to not get angry/hurt when something like this happens. And maybe even get some confidence issues. But here's what I think-- You don't know what's going on with him but what matters is how is he treating you. Maybe he got cold feet. Maybe his mother came to town. Maybe he fell in love with you and is afraid of that. Who knows. But the point is, he's not being very nice. Certainly not attentive. I'd write him off and let him contact you next. Just leave it alone and see where it goes. If he comes rushing back with an explanation that makes sense, just ask him to not cut you off like that. Without any anger. Just say it. And give him a second chance. If he calls and offers no explanation, just ask him "What was all that about?" And see what he says.

    I once got a call early in my relationship from my (now) seven year partner. At the office. Apparently I was cold and aloof and short. He was offended but said nothing. I was just having a bad day and busy and didn't realize how I came across. Truly. Sometimes things like that happen. Everything may be OK. But I'd still let him make the next move.
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    Jun 05, 2014 9:10 PM GMT
    Sorry you have been burned - we all have. But this has been so short, you should not consider yourself burned, if it's over.

    OK. What is it with texting? (I just can't comprehend - I don't text -ever - it's email or the phone). "He's responded hours later." Do you texters have a life? Is the whole world supposed to be at your beck, so that all your texts have to be immediately answered? Maybe he was getting texts and emails from 25 other guys that day, including work.

    But back to your main problem - Summary: About 8 months ago, you connected online with Jeff on scruff, on a platonic (no sex) basis. You never met. A few months ago, you encountered him again online. 1 month ago, you were at a party at his house and ended up in bed (unplanned). 1week later you spent an evening together and had sex a 2nd time. A couple weeks after that you went out drinking with him in a group, ended at his place for 2 nights, and had sex several times. So you have spent 4 nights at his house and had sex about 5 times. Now he is taking his time answering your texts or ignoring them.

    What comes across is your very strong desires to connect with him, but nothing from his side. You don't say whether he was as interested in pursuing you as you were in him.

    I didn't get the impression from what you said that there was a hot reciprocal connection between the two of you. Maybe he is fucking with someone else at the moment. Maybe he is just busy. It's possible that, given how you ended up in bed together, you were merely convenient sex. Did you ever talk about seeing each other in those days/nights you spent together?

    You "don't want to keep bugging him and come off as clingy and needy," but that is probably exactly how you are coming off. You are clearly interested in him. I would lay off on the constant texting, and wait at least a few days before contacting him again. When/if you do reengage with him, on your next date, have a discussion (person-to person talk) about whether he likes you - wants to see more/less of you. Maybe he is just not that into you. Or maybe, like Destinharbor said, he is afraid of getting involved. Ask him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2014 9:39 PM GMT
    HikerSkier saidSorry you have been burned - we all have. But this has been so short, you should not consider yourself burned, if it's over.

    OK. What is it with texting? (I just can't comprehend - I don't text -ever - it's email or the phone). "He's responded hours later." Do you texters have a life? Is the whole world supposed to be at your beck, so that all your texts have to be immediately answered? Maybe he was getting texts and emails from 25 other guys that day, including work.

    But back to your main problem - Summary: About 8 months ago, you connected online with Jeff on scruff, on a platonic (no sex) basis. You never met. A few months ago, you encountered him again online. 1 month ago, you were at a party at his house and ended up in bed (unplanned). 1week later you spent an evening together and had sex a 2nd time. A couple weeks after that you went out drinking with him in a group, ended at his place for 2 nights, and had sex several times. So you have spent 4 nights at his house and had sex about 5 times. Now he is taking his time answering your texts or ignoring them.

    What comes across is your very strong desires to connect with him, but nothing from his side. You don't say whether he was as interested in pursuing you as you were in him.

    I didn't get the impression from what you said that there was a hot reciprocal connection between the two of you. Maybe he is fucking with someone else at the moment. Maybe he is just busy. It's possible that, given how you ended up in bed together, you were merely convenient sex. Did you ever talk about seeing each other in those days/nights you spent together?

    You "don't want to keep bugging him and come off as clingy and needy," but that is probably exactly how you are coming off. You are clearly interested in him. I would lay off on the constant texting, and wait at least a few days before contacting him again. When/if you do reengage with him, on your next date, have a discussion (person-to person talk) about whether he likes you - wants to see more/less of you. Maybe he is just not that into you. Or maybe, like Destinharbor said, he is afraid of getting involved. Ask him.


    I don't expect him to text me back immediately, or like I said in the OP all day/everyday. However, I don't think it's asking too much to reply in a timely manner. And if he can't reply in a timely manner, then a "hey sorry I got busy." It's called common courtesy/respect.

    As for "You don't say whether he was as interested in pursuing you as you were in him." The attraction was mutual, and yes there was "hot reciprocation" between the two of us.

    "Did you ever talk about seeing each other in those days/nights you spent together?" Yes, we did discuss it and that's why we spent those days/nights together. It wasn't just merely spontaneous.

    I haven't talked to him since last evening. I'm not contantly texting or bugging him, because like I said I don't want to turn him off and come across as clingy/needy. I think I'm going to sit back and let him contact me if he wants. And if he does, like DustinHarbor suggested, I'm going to let him know that his actions have hurt me and ask for an explanation.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2014 11:01 PM GMT
    Out of all of the long-term/long lasting relationships I've had, want to know the one thing that they've all had in common? I never ended up in bed on the first date with any of them. Funny occurrence (or nonoccurrence) that I think speaks volumes - and I think this variable has a lot to do with your situation.

    The first dates that I have been on and ended up in bed usually play out like your situation. One of us having a great time and wanting to get in touch again and the other one just kind of remaining distant/uncertain and slowly tapers off. Don't get me wrong - I've heard many opposing stories from partnered guys. However, all of the time (for me at least), 'putting out' on the first date ends ends up in the former situation.

    Try getting him out on a date without having sex with them. It may already be too late; if the expectation of sex after has already been ingrained, he might already see you as an easy hook-up. I hate to say it that way but that's just reality.*

    Sex is as personal of a thing as you want to make it. You're really putting yourself out there 100% and if it's with someone that you've just met or barely know/haven't established some level of respect or trust for, it can feel a little out of place. As soon as the "money-shot" comes out, reality hits, the hormone levels equalize and it's a mad-dash for your underwear, usually followed by a 'Wow, look at the time. I should get going' out of someone's mouth. Whereas if it's with someone that you do respect and trust, neither of you have a problem with laying there and passing out (and going back at it in the morning).

    Those are just my experiences, which explains my impressions of this situation. He could be withdrawing for any number of reasons - or possibly not withdrawing at all, just busy with other things. If he's still perusing Scruff, though, chances are he's not convinced that you deserve all of his attention.

    Hope that helps and GL!
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    Jun 06, 2014 1:05 AM GMT
    talknerdy2me said
    HikerSkier saidSorry you have been burned - we all have.

    But back to your main problem - Summary: About 8 months ago, you connected online with Jeff on scruff, on a platonic (no sex) basis. You never met. A few months ago, you encountered him again online. 1 month ago, you were at a party at his house and ended up in bed (unplanned). 1week later you spent an evening together and had sex a 2nd time. A couple weeks after that you went out drinking with him in a group, ended at his place for 2 nights, and had sex several times. So you have spent 4 nights at his house and had sex about 5 times. Now he is taking his time answering your texts or ignoring them.



    I don't expect him to text me back immediately, or like I said in the OP all day/everyday. However, I don't think it's asking too much to reply in a timely manner. And if he can't reply in a timely manner, then a "hey sorry I got busy." It's called common courtesy/respect.

    As for "You don't say whether he was as interested in pursuing you as you were in him." The attraction was mutual, and yes there was "hot reciprocation" between the two of us.

    "Did you ever talk about seeing each other in those days/nights you spent together?" Yes, we did discuss it and that's why we spent those days/nights together. It wasn't just merely spontaneous.

    I haven't talked to him since last evening. I'm not contantly texting or bugging him, because like I said I don't want to turn him off and come across as clingy/needy. I think I'm going to sit back and let him contact me if he wants. And if he does, like DustinHarbor suggested, I'm going to let him know that his actions have hurt me and ask for an explanation.

    Hope this turns out alright for you. If you did talk about the two of you and dating (no exclusive agreement yet?) and he lead you to believe he was equally into you, then his sudden remoteness and ignoring you are rather unkind. If he didn't want to see you anymore, he should have told you. Time will tell. He could be dating other guys as well (Scruff), he may have decided to see you less often, he may preoccupied, or he may be blowing you off. Waiting (not with bated breath, I hope) to hear from him is a good decision.
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    Jun 06, 2014 1:39 AM GMT
    Sounds like "he's just not that into you."

    Be grateful for the good times you've had with him but just try to move on with no expectations of him. And if he does pursue a friendship/relationship with you again it'll be a pleasant surprise and you can decide then whether or not you'd like to give him a second chance.

    And if he doesn't follow up don't blame it on the fact you had sex with him. Sex is good.
  • tango02

    Posts: 71

    Jun 06, 2014 2:01 AM GMT
    This really isn't that unusual to happen when you just start dating someone. Now if the 2 of you had been together, I don't know, maybe at least 2-3 months or something, then this might be something to wonder about. There's plenty of fish in the sea and you'll probably forget about this guy before too long. Maybe he'll get back in touch with you, you never know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2014 4:28 AM GMT
    Thanks for all of your input guys, I really appreciate it. I've still yet to hear from him today (nor have I texted him) and I'm feeling very hurt and vulnerable.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2014 5:39 AM GMT
    Men are like Muni. Miss one and another will eventually come along.
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    Jun 06, 2014 4:26 PM GMT
    talknerdy2me saidThanks for all of your input guys, I really appreciate it. I've still yet to hear from him today (nor have I texted him) and I'm feeling very hurt and vulnerable.


    *hug*
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    Jun 06, 2014 10:11 PM GMT
    so he'll comment on my facebook status but won't call or text me? ok, that makes a lot of sense.
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    Jun 07, 2014 4:32 PM GMT
    I posted a quote on my facebook about not having expectations because you'll just be disappointed. he must have seen it because he texted me "what's wrong cupcake face?"

    i wrote a pretty lengthy message back essentially saying i feel like the dynamic between us since last weekend has changed and that he's been slightly dismissive/distant.

    so we shall see how he responds to that. wish me luck!
  • Destinharbor

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    Jun 07, 2014 4:40 PM GMT
    Good luck, man. Maybe you're just moving faster tun he is. Doesn't mean you won't end up in the same place.
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    Jun 08, 2014 3:13 PM GMT
    UPDATE: We had a converstaion and to my surprise it went well. It's always kind of nerve wracking when you put yourself out there and let someone know what you're thinking and how you feel, but he responded well and now we're on the same page.
  • Destinharbor

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    Jun 08, 2014 3:17 PM GMT
    talknerdy2me saidUPDATE: We had a converstaion and to my surprise it went well. It's always kind of nerve wracking when you put yourself out there and let someone know what you're thinking and how you feel, but he responded well and now we're on the same page.

    Good for you, guy. If you didn't have butterflies, it wouldn't be as sweet!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 08, 2014 3:57 PM GMT
    talknerdy2me saidUPDATE: We had a converstaion and to my surprise it went well. It's always kind of nerve wracking when you put yourself out there and let someone know what you're thinking and how you feel, but he responded well and now we're on the same page.

    That's quite a few gay men for you. They claim to be looking for a lover. Yet do all possible to ensure they don't find one.
    Remember to ensure you are treated the way you want to be treated. Some guys seem to take pride in playing with your emotions. Try not to let him do this to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2014 3:55 PM GMT
    after our conversation things were going well. we hung out this past wednesday, i spent the night and we had a great time. but since then somethings changed and he's gone back to being distant and kinda sketchy. he hasn't been as responsive, and i checked and he's online on scruff.

    should i just let it go and move on? i feel like i deserve an explanation for his shift in behavior.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2014 6:48 PM GMT
    talknerdy2me saidafter our conversation things were going well. we hung out this past wednesday, i spent the night and we had a great time. but since then somethings changed and he's gone back to being distant and kinda sketchy. he hasn't been as responsive, and i checked and he's online on scruff.

    should i just let it go and move on? i feel like i deserve an explanation for his shift in behavior.


    Did the pants come off that night?

    I still think if you slow it down a bit, you've got a better chance at holding his attention for longer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 15, 2014 7:24 PM GMT
    I am actually going through the same thing right now. Okay here's a good sign. 1. He invited you to hang out with him and his friends, so that's always a good sign if he introduces you to his friends (I have not had that luxury yet, with the guy i'm seeing so you're way ahead of me there)

    Okay, here's the downside. When you meet each other in person for the first time, I like to make it a honorable rule for me personally to try to hold off on sex as much as you possibly can, because, if a guy really likes you he will continue to talk to you regardless if you give him sex or not. Also there are other backdrops to it like, he will see that you are not easy, and some guys live for the chase, and once it's gone you're pretty much leftovers. Plus when you start getting to know each other there's always developing that mutual respect, if a guy has respect for you, there is a HUGE chance that he will keep you around, heck, might even fall in love with you.

    As for the feeling needy and stuff I'm actually at that point with my guy. Like, it's driving me mad, but I have to step back and look at where I stand. This guy who I hardly know, has so much control over me, but yet has done absolutely nothing for me for me to feel like a doll being manipulated by strings. He's not my boyfriend, and I shouldn't expect him to be acting like one, sure he may have missed your message, he might have been busy. But what I do is give it two days, and if he doesn't text, send him a simple text saying. "hey, I haven't heard from you in a while, is everything okay?" if he responds-great. if not, well, you dodged a bullet.

    Wishing you the best of luck