Dating a closeted man?

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 05, 2014 11:57 PM GMT
    I never thought I'd do it but considering my track record where the rare times I meet a guy who's interested and who I like, is a closeted man. Sometimes married, sometimes not.

    For sure, I would never get with a married man at all but for single ones, I'm not sure. I guess I'm just confused and somewhat lonely. Recently, a guy I used to have "fun" with hit me up after 4 years and wants to see me again but he told me that "he doesn't think he can ever come out and doesn't want to be seen with a guy". Of course, this kind of hurt a bit. I mean, I'm not all "out and proud and in your face" but I mean... Look at me. People can already assume I'm gay and I'm fine with that. Figures this would happen after I built myself up. I mean, started working out, eating better, etc. I was starting to feel a little good about myself lol.

    I guess I'm just confused. It's kind of hard to meet a guy where there's mutual attraction so I'm starting to leer towards single closeted men. Maybe one day they might come out but I don't know if I could handle the baggage.

    Does anyone have any advice? Or perhaps, an experience. I just needed to vent and get this out. Thank you for reading if you did and I apologize. I know there are lots of threads on this situation but I felt it'd be good to hear some newer answers instead of necro threading.
  • tango02

    Posts: 71

    Jun 06, 2014 12:38 AM GMT
    It sounds to me like this guy is only looking for something casual, so you really have to ask yourself if your interest in him is just sexual or if you could develop real feelings for him. If you like the guy in a romantic way then this is probably a bad idea, otherwise go for it.

    Having been involved with a close case man recently, I can tell you it's usually a bad idea to pursue anything but a casual relationship with guys like this. In a small percentage of cases these guys do come out of the closet for someone they like though, so it's completely up to you to play the odds.

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 06, 2014 12:53 AM GMT
    tango02 saidIt sounds to me like this guy is only looking for something casual, so you really have to ask yourself if your interest in him is just sexual or if you could develop real feelings for him. If you like the guy in a romantic way then this is probably a bad idea, otherwise go for it.

    Having been involved with a close case man recently, I can tell you it's usually a bad idea to pursue anything but a casual relationship with guys like this. In a small percentage of cases these guys do come out of the closet for someone they like though, so it's completely up to you to play the odds.



    It's pretty weird. I mean, I did fall for him 4 years ago but he seemed indifferent. I'm sure he enjoyed my company and he didn't mind hanging out in public for a short period of time. I don't know... But thanks for your input, I truly appreciate it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2014 1:05 AM GMT
    skip it unless you want a casual relationship.

    so he contacted you, what will he do for it?

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 06, 2014 2:50 AM GMT
    pellaz saidskip it unless you want a casual relationship.

    so he contacted you, what will he do for it?



    I don't understand your second question...
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jun 06, 2014 3:46 AM GMT
    The guy doesn't want to be seen with you? He can hurt ya, but you're still down with that? I think you need to go to your mirror and look for those things that make you unique, special, and beautiful...The way this guy treats ya? He does cause you let him...You may believe you deserve this shit but in reality, you don't.My 2 cents.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2014 8:02 AM GMT
    You have to set your own standards, decide what your expectations are and whether or not he's worth the compromise.

    Closest cases are as tricky as they come. It's either you're extremely patient, you're compromising your lifestyle for the safety of theirs, or it's the 'highway'.

    You say that you're "confused and lonely" and that doesn't sound like a very confident state of mind to go into a relationship with. Bare that in mind; it kind of sounds like what you're saying there is "I'm not happy with this situation, but it isn't like I'm finding anything that's any better". You have to decide whether or not that is true and whether or not this would just be something to 'pass the time' or something serious.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2014 2:57 PM GMT
    pellaz said ... so he contacted you, what will he do for it?


    Tell him; "So the first time wasnt that bad for you". what will your closeted man do better different in the second go around? He needs to satisfy some of your demands.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 06, 2014 4:08 PM GMT
    If he won't be seen in public with you, don't even consider renewing your relationship unless you just want a booty call. If you understand his situation and it makes sense to you, and you care for him, maybe there's a future. But obviously the long run is impossible if he won't ever come out or be seen with you. If you're just lonely and understand on the way in what the limitations are, give it a shot but be prepared to end it.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 07, 2014 12:15 AM GMT
    I really appreciate the feedback. Thank you. I guess the "lonely" part comes from the fact that I haven't had any type of contact with a guy in over 2 years and every time I try to find someone I'd be interested in, the feelings are never returned (or they live far away). So I guess a part of me wants to go with this because he was one of the guys who were my type and seemed to genuinely be interested back which is something I hardly ever get.

    I guess I'll just see where it goes. He lives in another town far from me so he usually drove out to me and he didn't seem to mind being seen with me in small doses but now it looks like he'd rather avoid that all together os I'll just see how exactly it's like to be in that situation and if I can't handle it, I'll just be honest with him.

    @Rolftron - Honestly, it looks more like it'll be "pass the time" because after he told me about not wanting to be seen in public with a guy, it won't get any serious.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2014 6:26 PM GMT
    So then there you have it! I would just be honest to him about where you stand.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 07, 2014 8:34 PM GMT
    @Rolftron thanks for the advice icon_smile.gif