I can't find my type!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 10, 2014 10:22 PM GMT
    I feel a little bit depressed because I've been out of the closet for 5 years and I'm still a single virgin.

    I'm a cute black with a nice body and even nicer personality. But that hasn't been helping the way I thought it would.

    I'm into Muscular guys and bodybuilders but only the type who likes to be on top.

    I'm a versatile bottom

    I only seem to attract other bottoms or men who I don't find physically attractive and it's soo frustrating.

    I've tried the following methods to find the right man:

    1. Pride parades
    2. Gay clubs
    3. The Gym
    4. And I've also tried online dating sites and dating app like Grindr.

    Can anyone give me some motivation to keep searching. Because I'm starting to wish that I was never born gay icon_sad.gif
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    Jun 10, 2014 10:44 PM GMT
    PrettyBoyJamez saidI'm into Muscular guys and bodybuilders but only the type who likes to be on top.

    I'm a versatile bottom

    I only seem to attract other bottoms or men who I don't find physically attractive and it's soo frustrating.


    Not a single guy, in 5 years?? icon_eek.gif

    I'm not sure how strict you are with your preferences, but if you are only attracted to the 'type' you've described, my suggestion would be to try opening up and being a little less rigid. I'm sure every gay bottom would like a nice tall, strong, hung, muscular lumberjack to come **** them every night - but the reality is that the type is limited (at least where I'm from, which you'd think otherwise with a state name that literately means "Penn's forest land").

    Another suggestion would be to try expanding your social circle. Try making some friends beyond the bar, pride parades and the gym. Sometimes you never know who you'll run across; the perfect opportunity is always just one introduction away.

    I used to have the same type of problem when I came out and started actively pursuing other guys. I would only attract a certain 'type' and I was rarely ever satisfied with my results. Once I've made more friends and expanded my social circle, I guess I've learned how to better attract guys that I'd be interested in - and also how to communicate with them efficiently (I've learned that your approach is just as, if not more important). Since then, my preferences have expanded so far from what original thoughts of my ideal 'type' - I've been with many different shapes, colors and sizes of men, so nowadays I'd say I'm fairly open.

    So, I guess my pointers would be to try socializing more with as many different types of people as possible and try to avoid 'tunnel-vision'. I can't motivate you to keep searching; you have to do that on your own.

    As far as wishing that you were not born gay: Life isn't about the cards you're dealt in life, it's about how you decide to play them.
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    Jun 10, 2014 11:17 PM GMT
    Thanks Rolfron, I was just feeling frustrated
    With all the setbacks I've been having. To me my preference didn't sound so strict because I like every race and you don't even need to be that tall. I just never thought that muscle tops would be so few and far between.

    I'll have to try and expand my preferences but only enough so I'm still getting what I deserve haha.

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    Jun 11, 2014 1:14 AM GMT
    Totally understandable; we've all been there. Being gay is frustrating, but then again, so is life in general under almost any circumstance. Nobody has it perfect. Don't get discouraged!

    At the very least, it seems you want a "top". The older I get, the more and more I find the standard terms like "top" and "bottom" arbitrary. It's rare that I've ever encountered a guy that likes the same position all the time; these positions may be more negotiable than you think. Instead of looking for people that fit the "top" category right off of the bat, I think you ought to just work on connecting with people to begin with. More often than not, guys are a lot more versatile than they think, come off or would have you believe. A lot of the time, it's all a matter of just opening them up to the idea.

    There are a great number of gays that visit the gym where I'm from (although I will say, the number of gays that don't is certainly greater). I'm not sure if this is the case where you're from but there has got to be at least one out there somewhere that would be into picking a date with you; you look attractive enough to easily get attention; I'm not sure why you're having so much trouble. The only thing that I can think of is a communication disconnect on either end; perhaps you're not approaching these guys the way that they want to be approached or perhaps they dont know how to approach you.

    The only way around that is by either more practice or more friends. People are the gateways to people; the more people you know, the more people you'll get to meet. The more people you meet, the more likely you'll come across someone that you'll share a connection with. I know it's easier said than done, but do what you can to put yourself "out there". Give new things a try. Try a new spot and be open to meeting new people. These are the things that have helped me a lot in these areas, and throughout most of my upbringing, I was quite a shy guy.

    I hope that helps and I wish you luck! You will stumble upon someone soon enough.
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    Jun 11, 2014 1:45 AM GMT
    Your second reply meant everything!
    I think there is something wrong with the way I approach, I always try to be polite like saying good afternoon but that doesn't work, I'm just being myself!?

    I don't know what it is really. And like you said maybe they don't know how to approach me, although, I would describe myself as very approachable and almost always smiling ;) lol.

    I'll take your advice and look for more like minded friends and also I'll try nwe spots.

    Thanks Rolfron, stay in touch! icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 11, 2014 2:57 AM GMT
    PrettyBoyJamez saidYour second reply meant everything!
    I think there is something wrong with the way I approach, I always try to be polite like saying good afternoon but that doesn't work, I'm just being myself!?

    I don't know what it is really. And like you said maybe they don't know how to approach me, although, I would describe myself as very approachable and almost always smiling ;) lol.

    I'll take your advice and look for more like minded friends and also I'll try nwe spots.

    Thanks Rolfron, stay in touch! icon_smile.gif


    Whatever you do, always stay true to yourself. Saying things like "good afternoon" just means you have manners and there's nothing wrong with that.

    I'm sure you'll find the right guy eventually, don't give up and keep looking. And like Rolftron said, keep an open mind for friends. Even if they aren't your type, a good conversation can help and you can develop communication skills for when that right guy appears. Good luck!
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    Jun 11, 2014 3:35 AM GMT
    You are young. Busy going to school and the gym. Get out there when you can and meet people and give it some time. Do not be afraid to approach people and talk to new people.
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    Jun 11, 2014 9:35 AM GMT
    It's because black guys have been stereotyped as tops.
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    Jun 11, 2014 11:51 AM GMT
    PrettyBoyJamez saidI feel a little bit depressed because I've been out of the closet for 5 years and I'm still a single virgin.

    I'm a cute black with a nice body and even nicer personality. But that hasn't been helping the way I thought it would.

    I'm into Muscular guys and bodybuilders but only the type who likes to be on top.

    I'm a versatile bottom

    I only seem to attract other bottoms or men who I don't find physically attractive and it's soo frustrating.

    I've tried the following methods to find the right man:

    1. Pride parades
    2. Gay clubs
    3. The Gym
    4. And I've also tried online dating sites and dating app like Grindr.

    Can anyone give me some motivation to keep searching. Because I'm starting to wish that I was never born gay icon_sad.gif


    Have you tried not being into muscular guys and bodybuilders. Every single one that I have met have been bottoms.

    Have you tried just being into guys?
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    Jun 11, 2014 7:21 PM GMT
    Change your image a bit? Grow a short beard. Wear torn blue jeans to a leather bar. You might get some attention from some tops.
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    Jun 11, 2014 7:27 PM GMT
    PrettyBoyJamez saidYour second reply meant everything!
    I think there is something wrong with the way I approach, I always try to be polite like saying good afternoon but that doesn't work, I'm just being myself!?

    I don't know what it is really. And like you said maybe they don't know how to approach me, although, I would describe myself as very approachable and almost always smiling ;) lol.

    I'll take your advice and look for more like minded friends and also I'll try nwe spots.

    Thanks Rolfron, stay in touch! icon_smile.gif


    I'm glad!

    These are only suggestions here - I don't know you, what the vibes are like where you're from, etc. it's really hard to gauge what the problem could be. I'm just offering advice/tips that I've learned along the way that really opened my doorway to dating and coming onto guys throughout the years.

    In college, I had this one 'hag' friend that taught me a lot about myself and my interaction with others. On the surface, she wasn't very "bright" - she was an art major and she was always on the brink of failing out of college. However, on another level, she had a very keen sense of seeing right through people and social interpersonal communication. She had a way of picking up on my mannerisms, verbals/non-verbals, what they meant and how they came across to people as well as how other people interact with me. Her social intelligence was really brilliant.

    I remember going with her to a gay bar one time. We sat down down at the bar, I kept to myself, usually under the assumption that the people in the room have no interest in talking to me when suddenly, she says to me "Omg, you're such a beast - how do you get so much attention? You could probably get any one of these guys to buy us drinks". I stare back, confused, and ask "What do you mean?". She says "look around the room" - then I realized that there were at least four or five guys staring in my direction, with others taking a peak every so often. Sure enough, by the end of the night, she had me approaching guys all over, getting all sorts of numbers and the both of us taking shots of tequila on someone else's tab.

    If nothing else, I've met some pretty interesting people that way and I've developed social skills that I can take with me pretty much anywhere and I never would've gained that knowledge if it wouldn't have been for my friend. For someone who was probably considered an anti-social introvert in high school, I have a fairly easy time meeting new people out and making new friends in various places. It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with your approach or personality necessarily, perhaps it just hasn't been in the right place at the right time. As long as you're open and observant, you will meet people, and as long as you make yourself interesting enough, they will want to know you. It can be tough at first but once you know what people want and what motivates them, it's cake.
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    Jun 11, 2014 10:07 PM GMT
    Puppenjunge saidChange your image a bit? Grow a short beard. Wear torn blue jeans to a leather bar. You might get some attention from some tops.
    I won't change my image for anyone! If there is something wrong with the way I look he is not worth my time!
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    Jun 11, 2014 10:15 PM GMT
    I guess I gave the impression yesterday that I don't get any attention from tops,

    That's not the case the case is I can't find a top that's out of the closet. All the other gays I just weed through.

    The question I should have asked is how to discreetly encourage a top out of the closet.

    Which is my current situation.
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    Jun 12, 2014 2:24 AM GMT
    PrettyBoyJamez saidI guess I gave the impression yesterday that I don't get any attention from tops,

    That's not the case the case is I can't find a top that's out of the closet. All the other gays I just weed through.

    The question I should have asked is how to discreetly encourage a top out of the closet.

    Which is my current situation.


    Well, closet cases are tricky situations - as tricky as they come. A great deal of patience is required.

    In short, you have to give them a reason to come out of the closet. If they're convinced that they have good reason to stay inside, they will stay there for as long as they can.