Stay or Go?

  • gr8outdoors

    Posts: 11

    Jun 11, 2014 2:46 AM GMT
    Hello Gents- Seeking advice, if you have a minute.

    The Conundrum: If I'm having a hard time coming out and exploring who I am. Should I move to another city-away from non accepting family, etc- or should I stay and face it?

    Background: 30 year old guy who's only been with women. Not sure of orientation, but it's not 100% straight, and looking to explore. I know that at least my father would disown me, which would be devastating.

    I live in Boston- A very gay friendly place in general, but where I grew up-and the circles with which I associated- being gay was openly mocked and put down, hence the self loathing that lingers to this day. I'm at that point where it's been a number of years since I've had a steady romantic interest, and I've had a few friends ask me outright if I'm gay, to which I give various coy, ambiguous responses.

    A part of me thinks I should move elsewhere to explore. I have some travel lust, and a longing to live in other cities naturally. I'm too scared to go to a gay meetup, event or gay bar, etc locally because I know I'll run into people I know, and I kind of feel like a big ass for putting on the charade. Plus I think the word will spread back to family, etc.

    I get by financially (self employed), but I don't have a steady job at the moment so there's not much to lose careerwise. I think the weight of carrying this secret consumes so much of my energy that I'm not motivated to provide for my future, so I think it might be a good reboot careerwise as well. I'm a hustler, so I'm not worried about finding work in a new city. Cities I'd be looking at are Seattle, SF, San Diego, Denver, Philly, (insert awesome place with outdoor and urban life).

    Have any of you faced a similar decision -when you were at my fork in the road- on your own journey?

    Many thanks
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Jun 11, 2014 2:52 AM GMT
    Except for immediate family, nobody cares if you are gay or not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 11, 2014 2:54 AM GMT
    Stay. Come out where you are. The negative experiences you face will strengthen you for the road ahead, because it's not exactly roses and rainbows in the gay community, either. Or life, for that matter.

    Yeah you'll be emotionally crushed. That's part of life. Continue looking for the positive things, and you use your experiences to help others later in life.

    Personally I came out in 1991 to a VERY fundamentally religious family in the deep south...rural community, far away from any metropolis. I've been shot at, cut, beat up, vandalized, harassed, kicked out of churches, scorned by family/friends, and ended up taking all those lemons to make lemonade. Then I mixed tequila with that and made golden margaritas, on the rocks, with salt.

    But the choice is still ultimately up to you. Do whatever you feel is best. You have my best wishes. icon_biggrin.gif
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Jun 11, 2014 2:57 AM GMT
    If this was me, I wouldn't move. If you are friends with people that don't accept who you are, find new ones. Your family is going to have to deal with it and get over it. You can confront them or if they make a comment, just get up and walk out, they will get the message. It is not your location, Boston is a big city and generally thought of as gay friendly.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 11, 2014 3:03 AM GMT
    Because I'm not all that close to my family, it was easy for me to move from NY State to California when I was in my late 20's, and I've never regretted it.
    It sounds as if you're unhappy where you are, and more than ready to make the jump.
    Go.
    You can always move back...
  • SinfulWays

    Posts: 543

    Jun 11, 2014 3:20 AM GMT
    I can identify with your struggle. I was once in your situation, I felt like I was trapped in purgatory-people that knew me always suspected me of being gay but had no proof. They had always seen me with women, but inside I was a mess. It got to the point where I wouldn't even get hard for a woman. But as soon as I thought about any guy.... I had an instant erection! I thought about moving to a new location where nobody knew me and that's the direction I was going in but I decided to go to a few gay clubs. I totally felt great. After a while I started looking on line and finally connected with a cute guy and it was the best sex Ever!!!! My advice to you is just have fun at your location, do what makes you happy... I finally came out to certain members of my family and it wasn't bad at all for me. The ones that had a problem with my lifestyle have bigger issues in their own lives... Everyone else see's how much happier I am and love me for me. All in all try experiencing and having fun right where you are...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 11, 2014 5:56 AM GMT
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 11, 2014 6:23 AM GMT
    As you see, different guys have differing ideas about what to do. It varies with the person and the circumstances. Me, I had to leave. It wasn't only because of my sexuality, though. I was raised rural but craved the intellectual and cultural stimulation of an urban world. I found a balance living in what is really a small town but directly across the bay from SF. I have never regretted that decision.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 11, 2014 6:25 AM GMT
    Whether to move to a new location and how to handle the coming out process are two separate issues, and unrelated. If you want to move, and if it would be good work/career wise, then do that. At 30, you ought to be be putting down permanent roots somewhere.

    As for coming out - just do it. Boston is a liberal city with lots of gay activity. If your family doesn't approve, tough for them. Your father is going to stop loving you and disown you when he finds out? If that's true, it's going to happen at some time anyway, so get it over with now. (I am assuming you are not financially dependent on them). Even some initially very homophobic parents eventually come around, so the sooner you make the break, the sooner your father can start a process of reconciling to his gay son, if he is ever going to. And whether he does or not, it's beyond your control.
  • gr8outdoors

    Posts: 11

    Jun 15, 2014 2:00 AM GMT
    Thanks for sharing gents. Some great points. I'm now seeing it as two different issues.

    I probably will end up moving in the fall, even if for a year, because I'm craving change independent of acceptance struggles. Lots of signs telling me to try to live out west. Starting to research Denver, Seattle, Portland, Bay area.

    I've had on the top of my to do list for a couple weeks to join a support group and come out to one person a week. I think this is the week.

    Judgingyou- Toronto Pride looks like a blast, and I do have to break in my new passport! Funds are an issue (saving for move). Maybe next year!
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 15, 2014 2:31 AM GMT
    Thanks for checking back in with us, OP, and giving us an update. Don't feel shy, do it again and again. So many times guys will post questions and then sort of disappear. We don't ever find out what, if anything, happened.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 15, 2014 2:50 AM GMT
    gr8outdoors saidThanks for sharing gents. Some great points. I'm now seeing it as two different issues.

    I probably will end up moving in the fall, even if for a year, because I'm craving change independent of acceptance struggles. Lots of signs telling me to try to live out west. Starting to research Denver, Seattle, Portland, Bay area.

    Seattle is very gay friendly, where I came out myself. Of course the SF Bay area is, too. This could be your way to decide for yourself if you're really gay, or just what you are.

    "Not sure of orientation, but it's not 100% straight, and looking to explore."

    Taking a sabbatical away from Boston (where my husband is from and was out) could be the way to do this exploring more safely. If your father disowning you would mean a big financial loss I can understand that being a consideration.

    So spend a year away and learn about yourself. Your next step back in Boston could be easier and more obvious.

    BTW, have you never spent time in P-town, at the gay guest houses or B&Bs? Or would you be known there, word get back to your family & friends? It's a gay scene just a few hours drive from you. Go to gay tea dances at the Boatslip, see what you think. Even stay at the Boatslip. It's not exclusively gay, might not make anyone back home get suspicious.