Why do some gays get mad if their friends give more attention to their boyfriends?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 14, 2014 7:35 PM GMT
    This is something I've noticed a lot. Both IRL and online. A lot of dudes not only get annoyed if one of their friends finds a boyfriend but they also wish they could split so that their friend comes back to them. What the fuck? I mean, why complain about your friend being happy with his BF? They are a couple duh. They don't always have to hangout with you. Anyway, have any of you seen this situation or experienced it? YOu know, one of your buds gets mad and jealous because you give more attention to your partner than them. I personally wouldn't want a friend like that at all. A friend that hates seeing me happy is not a friend. Some come with that weak crap 'Oh his boyfriend is just insecure because you're hot' icon_rolleyes.gif Why not just let them be.
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    Jun 14, 2014 7:46 PM GMT
    I'm the kinda person you're talking about. People have to commit to friendships just like any relationship and if someone stops communicating and hanging out to be with a partner all the time then I ditch them in favour of other friends. When they break up front their partner I refuse to be there for them to pick up the pieces because why should I only be there when they need me? Just because they had a partner does not mean I didn't need them at that time does it?

    I'm a bit of a cynic icon_cool.gif
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    Jun 14, 2014 7:48 PM GMT
    Yeah but a friend doesn't always have to be there for you. They are humans too with needs and a life. What if they get married and have kids? They will have virtually no time to hang around with friends. That doesn't make them douchebags or fake friends.
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    Jun 14, 2014 7:54 PM GMT
    kevex saidYeah but a friend doesn't always have to be there for you. They are humans too with needs and a life. What if they get married and have kids? They will have virtually no time to hang around with friends. That doesn't make them douchebags or fake friends.


    Of course it doesnt make them douched bags but just as they've moved on so will I. No point in flogging a dead horse.

    Also when couples split up they expect all their old friends to come back to them to support them but I'm like well you weren't there for me when you were in a relationship so why would I rally towards you now? I moved on too.
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    Jun 14, 2014 8:29 PM GMT
    Just be a hermit with no friends or partner. Problem solved. icon_cool.gif
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    Jun 14, 2014 8:30 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidJust be a hermit with no friends or partner. Problem solved. icon_cool.gif


    lol
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    Jun 14, 2014 11:28 PM GMT
    kevex said
    A lot of dudes not only get annoyed if one of their friends finds a boyfriend but they also wish they could split so that their friend comes back to them. What the fuck? I mean, why complain about your friend being happy with his BF? They are a couple duh. They don't always have to hangout with you. Anyway, have any of you seen this situation or experienced it?

    Let me give you a variant of this, if I understand you correctly.

    When I started dating my husband he took me to parties and gatherings with his gay friends. And also with his family members living or visiting in this area. He's out to family so being gay wasn't an issue.

    And I immediately sensed his friends "circling the wagons" against me, to protect him. Who'd had some bad experiences with guys he'd met in the past, as he told me himself.

    Well, OK, I've been in this situation before. I was really beginning to fall in love with this guy, wanted to win him over. And as before in other realtionships, I knew that the way to a guy's heart must include family & friends. Win THEM and you win HIM.

    Versus guys who try to isolate a lover from their old life, their family & friends, as I've seen happen. Something I think is a horribly selfish approach, unethical, and often in the long run, sowing the seeds for unhappiness & failure.

    Well anyway, I won his friends over. And his family, too. He often jokes he thinks his family & friends like me more than they do him (NOT true).

    Afterwards when we became partners I shared all this with him. And told him his wary & protective friends only made me love him more, by making me realize what a special guy he is. A guy with friends who think that much of him, worry about him, love him, has to be someone of great worth.

    A guy isn't protected that much by his friends for nothing. Not out of selfish possessive reasons I sensed in his case, but out of love and deep concern. Meaning his friends weren't obstacles to me, they were opportunities, and potential allies & friends of my own.

    Later I also told his friends this, actually used the phrase "circling the wagons". They all agreed and said that was exactly what they were doing. My instincts were correct. They'd seen him hurt before, and wouldn't allow it to happen again. I complimented them on their loyalty, said it made me realize what genuine friends to him they are. And I meant it.

    Now we're all great friends, go to each other's homes all the time. You may have seen some of their pics I posted of the gay polo tournament we all attended a few months ago. In fact, today they thank me for being with him, and jokingly call me "Saint Robert" for "putting up with him". And my husband laughs along, too. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 15, 2014 7:07 PM GMT
    That's a good question, I think it's a multi-layered problem.

    I had a female-friend who I used to go out all of the time with. She looks like Ke$ha, so we'd always dress her up as Ke$ha and go out. She'd always find the one straight/bi guy in a gay bar to make out with. We used to hang out all of the time and have a lot of fun. Well, now she's married.

    She's in bed by 9PM half of the time and she's always busy with her husband, doing family functions or doing things around the house. We still keep in touch, but we've definitely been out of touch since she's been married. I'm very happy for her and we do try very hard to meet up (although seldom). It's still just not the same as things used to be and I miss that, from time to time.

    I think the same problem arises when any friend gets involved in a relationship. Obviously, it's unrealistic to expect my friend to be the same person she was before she was married - and I'm very happy for her, even if it does mean that we see each other less. Elements of friendships need to be traded for the dynamic of a serious relationship, although good friends can be very accommodating. Relationships are life changing; they change people (hopefully for the better). That's just the way it is.

    Good friends are like stars, you don't always see them but you know they're always there.
  • phildec159

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    Jun 27, 2014 9:41 AM GMT
    Danny_boy93 saidI'm the kinda person you're talking about. People have to commit to friendships just like any relationship and if someone stops communicating and hanging out to be with a partner all the time then I ditch them in favour of other friends. When they break up front their partner I refuse to be there for them to pick up the pieces because why should I only be there when they need me? Just because they had a partner does not mean I didn't need them at that time does it?

    I'm a bit of a cynic icon_cool.gif


    I think you did misunderstand the original post. He didn't say that one in the relationship has ditched his old friends, just that he's spending more time with his bf. It would be unreasonable to try and force some ultimatum or hold it against them that they found someone.
    If this was a close friend anyway that has been there for you before who you've known a while and all that, then it would be doubtful that he would just drop you anyway. Idk, I just found your post to be out of place in this thread.
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    Jun 27, 2014 3:57 PM GMT
    kevex saidWhat if they get married and have kids? They will have virtually no time to hang around with friends. That doesn't make them douchebags or fake friends.
    WRONG. Plenty of time to see friends and have friends over even if you do have kids. Even my sister finds time and she's a single mom.