duluthrunner said...I was speaking wih him on the phone just now to wish him a happy fathers day he sarcastically asked if "my kids would be taking me out to brunch." This is a sore spot for me because, no, I'm not a father myself and that has been something that periodically makes me sad....
I know neither you nor your dad but on reading that I thought he was saying how much he would have enjoyed brunch with his own child which he expressed in a way that he thought would get to you i.e. how would you feel if you had kids and at this age, with these many father's days left, they didn't take you to brunch?
So was he trying to create a pain for you or was he expressing his own in a way he knew would get to you? Families know where the buttons are. It is up to us on whether we leave our buttons exposed and to what level we reach when pushed.
There could have been an element of him trying to hurt you as you mention but I don't know him or you or your relationship to judge. It's curious though how people use their own internal damages to hurt others. For instance, just the other day, some uppity idiot told a lie about me, said I said things that I did not say. And so I told him to fuck off, a pretty natural response when someone is miscasting character. So the fool then called me a raging queen for telling him to fuck off. So naturally I called him an asshole in return. Not once did I initiate an attack but merely responded in kind to his passive aggressive attacks upon me. Be kind to me and I will flourish kindness upon you. Be an uncalled for douche and I will crush.
But that's not how an observing acquaintance of mine reacted. Because of his own internal damages that inclines him to destroy what relationship begins to form, perhaps because of whatever damage he perceives having been purposely perpetrated upon him, perhaps by his dad, he didn't see my responses as directly related to the bullshit that was being dished my way but as me initiating an undue attack which is entirely untrue to the events as they unfolded, but entirely convenient to his own internal damages that might facilitate his destroying relationships.
My own father's family abandoned his mom and him as a kid, a famous family about whose name he could not escape, always in his face. Damaged him severely, so much so, that he'd go onto abandon in numerous ways his own family later in life. Me growing up with him, he was emotionally unattached, though mechanically there, so he did more than his father did. I only met his dad twice in my entire life, though I'm told by my brother that our grandpa did call my mom to ask if we needed anything when divorcing my dad so I guess that was nice of him. My father calls him a whoremaster for leaving his mother.
So dad did more than his dad, vacations though without interacting and he was financially responsible for us even though by his dad's actions he had to drop out of school to support his mom while he was growing up. But then as I grew older he abandoned me even more. Once he disappeared for 15 years but at that time I was handling my mom's Alzheimer's disease. So after I lost mom, it took me more than a year to find dad again. He and my brother hadn't spoken in nearly 40 years. I put them back together again.
So my father did a better job at being a father than his father. And I was a better son to my dad, forgiving his trespasses upon me than my dad was to his father, and my brother is a better father to his kids than my dad was to him. We try to improve our lives as consciousness of our own beings unfurl and we find a way to forgive the sins of our fathers.
Happy Father's Day.