Your First BF - How Did it Go? How Did It End? Or Are You Still Together?

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    Jun 16, 2014 4:01 PM GMT
    I just read another RJ thread about an ended first relationship. And I thought maybe we should have a thread about first BFs, ended or not. I'll start - mine's an "ended". icon_sad.gif This is long:

    Met him a few months after I came out in 1995. As most of you will know I'm a very late bloomer. He approached me online, said he liked my posts on a Seattle gay dial-up BBS (pre-Internet).

    We met at his house and he was adorable. About 5 years older than me, handsome, cultured, stunningly intelligent, fun & upbeat, I totally fell for this guy. Being with him made me glow, I was so happy.

    He took me to concerts, the ballet, even a Seattle production of Angels in America, as part of my gay "education", knowing my background. He hosted German poetry readings at his house with friends, which I managed to follow (I told you he was cultured & intelligent), and also introduced me to Killian's Red beer, which I'd buy him by the case, one of the few beers I'll drink today, when I drink beer at all.

    He also was into anal, and taught me how to top, my first time. He tried to bottom me but I was too nervous and couldn't relax. He didn't insist or force me. That experience would have to wait a few more years.

    But he taught me to not hate my body nor be ashamed of it, and the moments we'd spend lying naked together in his bed, the windows wide open in the cool Seattle summer breezes, are among my most treasured memories.

    And I in turn took him camping in my RV, and for rides on my motorcycle. A little red-neck roughness to balance against his regal refinement.

    But then a sudden change came over him, and he became withdrawn & sullen. I learned his former partner had reappeared. Making a legal claim against the house, saying his payments to the mortgage made it half his.

    I always thought high intelligence & education made one immune to such emotional weakness, the model I used in the Army. But he totally caved, more fragile inside than I could imagine. He started taking prescribed anti-depressants and became zombie-like, losing his interest in me or in anything.

    I reluctantly realized helping him was beyond my skills. Worse, our relationship was another complication stressing him, that he couldn't handle right now. I told him I'd take a sabbatical, and return when this was over and he wanted me back, or at any time he needed me.

    He won his court case, his ex got nothing. But in the meantime an opportunistic guy latched onto him, and moved in with him during this vulnerable period. I never got the call to come back.

    This guy persuaded him to quit his very profitable career, and stay at home in virtual seclusion. The guy didn't work, either, they lived on my BF's savings. I heard rumors of this, the Seattle gay community was full of it, and my friends said my BF had aged horribly.

    One night I finally saw him at a club, and the stories were true. At 55 he looked like he was in his 70s, weak and enfeebled. But apparently not physically ill, just in some kind of mental decline.

    Two years later I was preparing to relocate from Seattle, and I went to his house to say goodbye. As I parked my motorcycle at the curb I saw this suspicious face pulling back the window curtains and peeking at me. When I knocked on the door repeatedly the same guy finally opened it.

    "What do you want?" he barked at me. I think he knew who I was. "I came to see William," I explained

    "He's not here!" I suspected that was a lie. And though he had the door open only a crack, and blocking it like I was a home invader, I raised my voice to project over his head.

    "Oh, that's too bad. Because I wanted to tell WILLIAM that I'm leaving town, and wanted to see WILLIAM before I left. Maybe you'll tell WILLIAM I was here. And give WILLIAM my cell phone number so he can..."

    "Hi, Bob," came William's voice from behind his jailer, proving the guy at the door was a liar. "Come in." You can't imagine the ugly expression on the other guy's face, who surrendered his hold on the door reluctantly. And took another defensive position at the other end of the entryway, to bar the rest of the house to me. So William & I visited inside the front door. I could hardly recognize him.

    We spent a few minutes chatting, and then I left. Really upset at what had happened to him, and his dreadful appearance. William had taught me a lot of things, at the beginning of my gay life, done so much for me.

    About gay love, gay sex, gay life, gay culture, a thousand things. And also that smart guys are not always strong guys, as I had mistakingly imagined. It turned out that the smartest guy I ever knew was the weakest and most fragile, and the most vulnerable to exploitation. icon_sad.gif
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    Jun 16, 2014 4:17 PM GMT
    thakns for sharing.

    but like, since when did intelligence equates emotional strength?..
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    Jun 16, 2014 4:33 PM GMT
    leafgreen saidthanks for sharing.

    but like, since when did intelligence equates emotional strength?..

    It doesn't; that was the lesson I belatedly learned. But until then I mistakenly thought it did.

    I had naively imagined that if you're smart you would recognize the mechanism of irrational emotional response, and avoid it. Rise above emotions and be stronger than them, think your way through it. Man, was I wrong!

    About others, and I guess about myself, too. Emotions can be like a drug, against which there are few antidotes, no matter how smart you are, or think you are.

    Today I hope I know better, and will listen to husband & friends who often see these things in me better than I do. Versus when I was 20, and thought I was Mr. Spock, in absolute control of myself. Devoid of emotional entanglements & considerations, a logical machine.
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    Jun 16, 2014 4:37 PM GMT
    Went great. Dated for a year, traveled, and connected.

    I'm single and planning on staying that way until I relocate I think (almost done with college). I still fly out and visit my ex from time to time and probably will be doing that again in August
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    Jun 16, 2014 6:02 PM GMT
    Dunno if my "first" qualifies as a BF... we kept it closeted and on the DL in High School... but we were regular suck-buddies for about 2 years.

    We lost touch when we went to different colleges...

    Last I heard he's doing 30 years in prison for solicitation of an underage boy for purposes of sex... and did NOT declare that he was HIV+...

    Freaked me out a little.
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    Jun 17, 2014 4:16 AM GMT
    My first bf turned out to be a horrible mistake but hey you learn from them
  • AMoonHawk

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    Jun 17, 2014 4:58 AM GMT
    I was 16, he was 17. He wanted me to marry him, but he wanted and open relationship ... I didn't, so I ended it. He died a couple years back. End of story.
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    Jun 17, 2014 6:15 AM GMT
    I was around 24 at the time, I dated this 26 yo Taiwanese guy. He lived over in Redondo beach, worked for a music company. We hung out, I drove over and we had like Thai food. I dated him on and off for like 2-3 months in the summer. Then I started to really like him but found out that he was on a rebound phase, he broke up with someone from Ohio 1 year earlier. So, eventually he stopped calling or texting me back. I moved on and found other guys to date. His name was John Lee, he was like my unofficial/official 1st boyfriend (first Asian guy I've been with too).
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    Jun 21, 2014 11:23 AM GMT
    My first real boyfriend was oddly enough the 3rd guy id dated. I dnt consider the 1st 2 anymore than what they gave, the 1st a closet FB for a month & the 2nd an experimental "straight" guy who dumped me after our 2nd date. Anyway, Luke came along at a point where i was really messed up and helped me immeasurabley in many ways. He was the 1st real man i really did love, i still do infact. He helped me out of the beginning phases of marijuana addiction, taught me how to come out of my shell and trust people enough to come out to my friends and the few family members that would accept me. He always described himself as a hippy, loved life and was happy every second of everyday. He was always a "bigger picture" kinda guy, and a deeply philosophical thinker (the man even had a Guru in the Himalayas). Thanks to him i learned how to stop being the heavily stressed , too-busy-to-enjoy-being-alive, self-hating guy i once was. I still owe so much of who I am to him, my love for life and spirituality, my commitment to living positively, even the amazing relationship i now share with His Guru Maharaja (we write all the time). Luke passed away nearly a year ago, and i still deeply miss him all the time ofcourse. But thanks to him i can always be true to myself, choose to find happiness and be content with who i am. Il always be greatful for that.
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    Jun 21, 2014 8:51 PM GMT
    lets see, I was 13 yrs old when I met Rob, he was 21 at the time and worked at the skating rink I went to...we hit it off talking and after some time time I told him I was gay,,,well it wasn't long till I was in bed with him,,I loved how he took his time, never rushing to get done.
    When he moved home to Tennesse I was 16 yrs old , and I still think of him now a days.
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    Jun 22, 2014 4:20 PM GMT
    I liked your story Art_Deco,

    Your story helps me a little bit to look at my own life from a different perspective.

    I guess I am at my lowest point in my life right now, after 6 months since my first bf broke up with me. I still love him, and I don't think I will ever be over him. You know, first boyfriend, first love.

    I think that I am an emotionally weak person, I hardly can make it through my day without feeling the pain inside me. I see people around celebrating World Pride here in Toronto. And it makes me feel extremely lonely, although I am surrounded by my happy friends, partying and drinking and doing all kinds of shit.

    I am slowly dying right now. The only thing that can help me, I think, is LOVE. the only thing that keeps me going is the prospect that I will fall in love.

    And I am just writing it here because it is supposed to have a therapeutic effect on me...
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    Jun 23, 2014 11:49 AM GMT
    Okajuurou saidI liked your story Art_Deco,

    Your story helps me a little bit to look at my own life from a different perspective.

    I guess I am at my lowest point in my life right now, after 6 months since my first bf broke up with me. I still love him, and I don't think I will ever be over him. You know, first boyfriend, first love.

    I think that I am an emotionally weak person, I hardly can make it through my day without feeling the pain inside me. I see people around celebrating World Pride here in Toronto. And it makes me feel extremely lonely, although I am surrounded by my happy friends, partying and drinking and doing all kinds of shit.

    I am slowly dying right now. The only thing that can help me, I think, is LOVE. the only thing that keeps me going is the prospect that I will fall in love.

    And I am just writing it here because it is supposed to have a therapeutic effect on me...

    Thanks about my story.

    Are you dying literally or figuratively?

    My BF was also my first gay love, like yours, and I was almost lightheaded in his presence. I couldn't believe I was this lucky only 3 months after coming out, to already have a BF like this, truly in love. I'd had a couple of sex encounters with others, but no dating to that point.

    So that when this (fool's?) paradise suddenly ended I was devastated. But I'm also a survivor and a bounce-back artist. I filed this away under lessons learned, regrouped and tried to apply those lessons to finding my next guy. I was heartbroken, but oddly not discouraged.

    Worse was when my first partner died. I'm sure I had a clinical breakdown, in seclusion for months, that time I didn't bounce back so quickly. It finally took an intervention by my gay friends to get me back on my feet. But I did want to move on, and once they had "push started" me I was back under my own power. Was able to date again, eventually finding my present partner of 7 years now.

    So these things can be overcome, they just take longer for some, and can depend on the circumstances, like a loss due to death versus a breakup. If you really want to move on you can. Just tell yourself that you do, and work to make it happen.

    But you've gotta take that first mental step of choosing to move forward as your goal. My own greatest comfort & strength comes from having a plan in place that I can follow. I'm totally lost and ineffective without a plan, a direction. Maybe that's what you need, too.