The Unique Challenges Of Coming Out As Gay Later In Life

  • metta

    Posts: 44814

    Jun 17, 2014 7:11 AM GMT
    The Unique Challenges Of Coming Out As Gay Later In Life
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    Jun 17, 2014 1:38 PM GMT
    Building on what Art (EDIT: Whoops! Sorry! I meant "SBart"! hee hee) discussed, there was an episode of Iyanla Fix My Life a couple weeks ago that had me tearing my little nappy hairs out.

    Fix My LifeFor Jennifer, her marriage fell apart six years ago when she found an explicit letter written by her husband to someone else.

    To viewers, it becomes increasingly obvious what the gender of the "someone else" is. But for this one-time pastor and father of two, David is of The Orientation That Dare Not Speak Its Name.

    So, David wants everyone to believe his "second life" revolves around an "addiction to p0rn." It sure sounds like his wife does, too. Note the times they repeatedly refer to "another person."

    David insists, repeatedly, he married Jennifer because he wanted to be "normal." And, right as Iyanla guides his little horse to the edge of the water, he says, quivering, "This Is Where I Meet My End." What?

    If you were like me, I probably owe you a new screen. Because I wanted to reach through my TV and grab this guy and scream, "YOU'RE EITHER BI OR YOU'RE GAY, DAMMIT! SAY IT! SAY IT!" Fortunately for him, Iyanla had just enough professional class not to do this. At least, not with the cameras rolling.

    I don't care what he comes out as, he simply can't keep stringing family along pretending to be some straight guy with a "p0rn addiction" so big he has to move out of the house.

    Where the insidious "ex-gay" industries thrive, they're largely preying upon otherwise mature gay and bi men who refuse to come out of the closet because of self-imposed "baggage," and those who won't recognize there's no binary when it comes to sexual orientation.
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    Jun 17, 2014 2:09 PM GMT
    "Item #3" is a little bit of what I was alluding to in the "I Have No Older Role Models" thread.

    Rick ClemonsProblem #3: Lost youth.
    One of the first things that happen for a late bloomer is this sense of needing to make up for lost time.

    As we all know, it's not really possible to do that, however, newly out adults tend to act like the immature teen they never got to be when they were younger.

    Even if you're the most levelheaded and mature adult you know, after you first come out you will probably act like a kid in a candy store, drooling over all the selections available to you in the gay dating buffet line.

    Just remember, the kid in the candy store often ends up with a stomachache and the same rule applies here. Over-the-top sexual and dating conquests do not necessarily lead to a healthy gay lifestyle.
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    Jun 17, 2014 7:51 PM GMT
    Decadence_of_Art saidPeople may use the term community; when it's communities. We are not all of the one tribe, and shoving us all under the one banner does not make us one.

    Then just talk about your own community because clearly you don't understand mine.

    There are plenty of GAY men in marriages with women and they are NOT bi. That's just a crock of down under crap.

    The read this on HP and it's pretty accurate as to some of the issues. Mostly it's the fear but once a person has put that aside, the other items become the challenges faced. I've found that in my own case and that of many guys here on RJ that I've supported through the process of coming out later in life, we tend to deal with these challenges one at a time and try and figure out where we fit in. At middle age or older you realize there's much you've missed and you can't relive your life so you go through some phases to try and find your niche and comfort zone at your age appropriate place.

    It's also a balancing act with a family. Accepting continued responsibility for your children and working with your wife (if married) to ensure everyone is appropriately set.