Losing friends because you are gay

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    Jan 08, 2009 3:33 AM GMT
    I just got an e-mail over Facebook from a friend, Peggy. She is in he late 50's and we actually connected a lot when i met her... in the hospital. Yes I met her on the Psych floor almost two years ago. My life is better and I'm more comfortable with being gay (though some on here might disagree lol)

    Anyways, she has Facebook and e-mailed me this today... I had previously e-mailed he because she deleted me as a friend--I had a feeling I knew why she deleted me since she is a Mormon. My sucipsions were confirmed tonight.


    Peggy Wrote:

    Chris, I hope you will understand that I do not support gay marriage,
    in saying that i do not mean i don't like or respect you , but i can't be in your friends circle any longer.
    Peggy


    I Responded:

    Peggy,

    I am sincerely puzzled over what you have written—that said, I had a suspicion that my sexuality was the reason you decided to end our friendship on Facebook. You were very forthcoming in your response, and I feel I should do the same.

    Peggy, I have lost a lot of respect for you. Not because of your views, but because you felt it was necessary to end our friendship over a difference of views; moreover, you did not even discuss this with me before hand. If you would have you may have been surprised about some things.

    To add to the situation, you say you cannot be friends with me anymore because you do not agree with same-sex marriage, YET you write “in saying that I do not mean I don't like or respect you.” How can I respect that statement of yours when you feel it necessary to end our friendship over a difference of opinion? I know that you are a Mormon. I do not believe what Mormon’s believe in. I know what Mormon’s did this past election in California concerning same-sex marriage there. Peggy, I never thought any less of you or thought that we had to end our friendship based upon your religious beliefs. I am hurt and saddened because when I was back in the hospital, I met someone named Peggy who was kind, caring, and empathic towards the hardships of others. It does not seem possible that the Peggy I write to now would be capable of such prejudice.

    One thing you should know. Back in 2007, did you know why I was in the hospital? Do you know since 2002 I have cut myself over 80 times, had hundreds of hours of counseling, 15 Electroconvulsive Therapy treatments, and changed medications 12 times, attempted suicide, and dropped out of college twice? Do you know why, Peggy? Because I finally accepted to myself, after years of praying to God to change, that I was gay. When I admitted to myself that I couldn’t change and that I was indeed gay, I jumped into a new world filled with homophobia, hate, and discriminatory religious doctrine based on the accounts of men who lives 200+ years ago. In fact, the doctors who took care of you and me in the hospital feel what I tried to do was dangerous… trying to change one’s sexuality is dangerous. Science is coming closer and closer to finding some type of genetic/hormonal link to human sexuality.

    I do not believe I can change my same-sex attraction, and it was not learned since I do not know any other gay people. I do not believe I ever choose this; after all, who would choose this lifestyle? Who would want to lose friends and have to defend their rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

    I can easily forgive you, as I am sure you do not know many gay people, and I know what the Mormon Church teaches about people like me. You may even think I am going to Hell—without even knowing I am a virgin. I can respect your views, but I do not respect your action of ending a friendship based on a difference of opinion. You never tried to get to know me before condemning me—if you did indeed do that.
    I apologize for being blunt, but it is something I needed to do for me—I will not be subject to disrespect over something I feel cannot and should not be changed. Furthermore, People like you (if I am correct in your own personal beliefs) are what put me into a depressive state for most of my young life—I handed over years of my life to the enslavement of other who would condemn me—I had a need to find my self-worth in others.

    I will not do that anymore.

    Peggy, I am healthier than ever and happier than ever. If you can accept that, then that is your loss not mine. I had always felt close to you in the hospital and thought we had a bond. I guess I was wrong.
    I look forward to hearing back from you if you wish to discuss this further. Take care, Peggy

    Respectfully,

    Chris
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    Jan 08, 2009 3:39 AM GMT
    Why was she on the psych floor? Patient, staff or other? If patient, maybe this is just one of her swings, to be ignored. And if she's a practicing Mormon to boot, why should a gay man be surprised? This is what they are.
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    Jan 08, 2009 3:43 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidWhy was she on the psych floor? Patient, staff or other? If patient, maybe this is just one of her swings, to be ignored. And if she's a practicing Mormon to boot, why should a gay man be surprised? This is what they are.


    She's bipolar. We cried together and shared a lot. Not enough though obviously cause I guess It didn't mean much to her.
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    Jan 08, 2009 3:50 AM GMT
    this is why I'm not all the way out yet i just can't stand losing a friend.

    i will tell the ones i think can take it and say i still like u as a person, and u know what so far so good.
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    Jan 08, 2009 3:56 AM GMT
    I'm sorry for your loss because of Peggy's insecurities.

    Perhaps someday she'll acquire the fortitude to be proud of her friends regardless of others condemnations.
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    Jan 08, 2009 4:02 AM GMT
    I have lost quite a few friends because of being gay, and made some really cool friends that did not care. If the person can't accept that part of you, are they really a friend?
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    Jan 08, 2009 4:03 AM GMT
    cjcscuba1984 saidShe's bipolar. We cried together and shared a lot. Not enough though obviously cause I guess It didn't mean much to her.

    Don't stress yourself over this. Don't make her problems your problems. The guy I've come to know here in recent months is bright, clever, insightful, compassionate, and a thoroughly decent person.

    Anyone who can't see that is blind. Anyone who wouldn't want your friendship doesn't deserve your friendship.

    Nor are you likely to do more for her than certified professionals can. Leave drowning persons to the trained lifeguards, lest you drown yourself along with them.

    Time to move on. You haven't lost this friend because you are gay, but because she has emotional problems. Try not to confuse cause & effect.
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    Jan 08, 2009 4:10 AM GMT
    I lost a friend after he confessed he was anti gay-marriage because he thought it would lead to gay parenting which he equated to single parenting, druggie parents, and actor parents, because those were all bad and so was being gay according to him. After having this text conversation I realized that he was a piece of shit.
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    Jan 08, 2009 4:25 AM GMT
    cj, Peggy seems to have her wires crossed - she can't be friends with you because she's against gay marriage? Are you gay marriage? Are you an institution, a political cause, a ballot proposition? Nope. You're a person.

    Rick Warren claims he has "lots of gay friends". Some friend. In the same breath he says his church won't allow gay members because they are ... gay, basically. Sexual perverts who have told him, "they must have many partners, be free to have sex with anyone they like." I'm trying to picture that conversation ...

    Anyway, Peggy was a true, dear, loyal, fair-weather friend. As Bette Midler would say, "Joke her if she can't take a fuck."

    I like you. You put it out there and let her and others make the call based on the facts. Now stop adopting Mormons and you'll be just about perfect.icon_cool.gif
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    Jan 08, 2009 4:36 AM GMT
    I've lost friends because I was gay.

    I've lost gay friends because I wasn't the right type of gay.

    In the end they really aren't friends.
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    Jan 08, 2009 4:41 AM GMT
    Sorry,

    I have lost many friends over the years because of being gay. I had the same issue on facebook too. My old neighbor talks to my other friend. She refused to add me as a friend because she doen't want any one to know she talked to a gay person.
    It will hurt but you need to try to forget about it, Don't let her bring you down, We are who we are. Good luck
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    Jan 08, 2009 4:50 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear this, first of congrats on getting better because ultimately in the end everyone has to take care of themselves and I'm always glad to hear people coming to terms with who they are.

    I've haven't talked to my father in a few years because he couldn't accept that I'm gay, but he was in and out of my life in the first place, so it was too bad of a lost. However, I have had friendships end in the past for all sorts of reasons and it hurt each time, but trust me in time you'll be fine. It may hurt for days, weeks or even months but realize that, even as cliche as it sounds, if someone cannot accept you for who you are then they were not meant to be in your life anymore. By her leaving in the cruddy way that she did will open more doors to meet people who are accepting of you the way you are.

    I only wish you the best during this time.icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 08, 2009 4:50 AM GMT
    It happens.
  • Freddo

    Posts: 246

    Jan 08, 2009 4:51 AM GMT
    Damn dude, sorry to hear about that. She is on the wrong side of history, and future generations will judge people like her harshly (much like we do with the racists of the past). Ironically, I don't even think Mormonism is even 200 years old yet. Amazing the kinds of things people will subscribe to.

    I just accepted myself a little less than a year ago. I haven't come out to a lot of people yet mostly because I am afraid of the fall-out. This is probably why I am so desperate to get out of this town and start new anywhere. As I do tell more people, ones who will love and accept me will stay with me forever, and the ones that don't will get cut-off. Too many people still believe that this is some kind of choice that we made, and can't possibly fathom that maybe God made us gay.
  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    Jan 08, 2009 5:03 AM GMT
    Eh, her loss. Has she replied back to your message?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 08, 2009 5:03 AM GMT
    I've lost gay friends because I wasn't the right type of gay.

    That is insightful. And we see it happen all the time.
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    Jan 08, 2009 5:06 AM GMT
    Lord maybe they should call that site Two-Facebookicon_confused.gif
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    Jan 08, 2009 5:08 AM GMT
    are they a true friend when they can not love you for all that you truly are?
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    Jan 08, 2009 5:14 AM GMT
    two-facebook. hee, hee


    are they a true friend when they can not love you for all that you truly are?


    Love is not love
    which alters when it alteration finds.
    Shakespeare, sonnet 116




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 08, 2009 5:20 AM GMT
    I've lost friends for being honest.
    I've lost friends for being big.
    I've lost friends for being out of cash.
    I've lost friends because I was un-supportive of some weird behavior.
    I've lost friends because I was a jerk.
    I've lost friends because I said "this is wrong."
    I've lost friends for not being gay enough.
    I've lost friends for being to gay.

    I've had some friends for over 4 decades.

    Sometimes, folks don't hit it off. Relationships come and go. You win some, you lose some, and some go into limbo. It's part of living. It's part of business. It's the way of the world.

    If someone doesn't want to be your friend because of different values / beliefs, best to put your energy in a positive direction, moving forward.

    Accept the things we can, change the things we can (and should), and ditch the rest.

    Time to move on, make new, better, friends.... It'll be o.k.

    Your response was provocative, but, I wouldn't count on it changing anything. It probably felt good to have your say, but, make sure it's her issue, and not yours. You can't win them all, even when you're right.
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    Jan 08, 2009 5:32 AM GMT
    I think you did great sending her that letter. It clearly shows that she means something for you and she could still have a chance to have back the friendship of such a great guy like you.

    I so would have done the same thing man, cause even if she never understands the situation at least you feel good with your self and you had your chance to explain to her what probably nobody else tried to tell her before. With such a letter Im sure that even if she refuses to talk to you, that'll because her whole religious "responsabilities" and because she just want to keep it like that, but deep inside she might not feel good at all and you just gave her something to think about.

    charlitos

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    Jan 08, 2009 5:34 AM GMT
    Sounds like she has some serious convictions and she is dedicated to them. I understand if you are hurt but seems to me she broke things off in a clean and respectful manner. Your rebuttal was certainly justified but why not face her in person? BTW in your reply to her you said "I know what the Mormon Church teaches about people like me." When you say people like me are you talking about gays? Either way what is it you think the Mormon church teaches? I just want to be sure I understand what your saying.
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Jan 08, 2009 5:41 AM GMT
    I am glad that you had the 'last word' over this friendship break-up, that you were able to educate her on our point of view, even if she doesn't go through her head. It’s big of you to even forgive, which many people wouldn't do so kudos to that. If you continue to communicate with her, keep the conversation with an open head and heart.

    Now with that being said, its time for the other side of this advice.

    If she moves away from your life then you don't need people who can't accept you for being a human being, for being who you are. It would be understandable if you were in any fashion a bad person and people would ex-communicated due to bad vibes. But being gay is just one aspect of who you are, if she or anybody else can't accept that, then oh well move on. They've lost a good person who'll be there for them cause they choose not to be there for you.

    In this big world, you will meet more wonderful people who will accept and support you for being a wonderful person (unless your not, tough cookies for you). It’s probably best for Life does have in store greater things up ahead, take a step forward from this and wonderful experiences are on their way.

    Oh, have a great 2009, its only beginning of the year and good things are ahead.

  • jmanorlando

    Posts: 205

    Jan 08, 2009 5:41 AM GMT
    This is a sad reality, however I believe she is the one that loses because she has choosen to block out or limit her own life by not trying to understand others that are different than herself.

    In life you can limit yourself, hunker down and stop growing or you can learn, build and become more every year of your life.

    There will always be people I disagree with including Peggy, however it is America and her view is hers and unfortunately others.

    What I can hope for is that little by little, Peggy will reflect on your touching response and challenge herself to change her perspective.

    As a man that is often told, "You don't seem gay"
    Change starts with their perception being challenged and then realizing we are all just people and some are born straight and others gay.

    In the end, it really matters that you are happy with yourself and the people around you. Hopefully, someday Peggy will make the shift and as it turns out you might be person who started the change for her.

    Take care.
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    Jan 08, 2009 5:51 AM GMT
    You don't need people like her in your life.

    I've been in this situation before and it was really hard on me considering I was really close to those I've lost because they found out about my sexuality. It took me a while to actually get over it but I did and I've never been happier because I've met a lot of great people after that.

    Consider it as her loss. The world is big out there and there will be more who will enter your life and make a greater impact and accept you for who you are.