How can I be more confident?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2014 11:16 AM GMT
    I always try to be confident but it's impossible or at least very difficult. Any confidence building tips will be greatly appreciated because quite honestly I'm sick of feeling so worthless.
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    Jun 22, 2014 11:25 AM GMT
    Care less about what people think about you. Before you say something, think "these people are in for a treat". If people disapprove of something you say or pull a face, smile as you pity them for failing to reach the level of understanding you have attained.
  • MarkW1

    Posts: 118

    Jun 22, 2014 11:35 AM GMT
    What do you do in your free time? The best ways of getting out of the low self esteem area is to do new activities and meet new people. If you don't do the gym then fully recommend it as one of the best forms of improving your confidence. Another thing would be to see what social groups are about where you live (like say, for instance, a running group). Also, what do you do for work? Are you still a student? Try doing some volunteering work within your school, college, university, wherever.

    Remember your confidence won't go up right away and there will be a few bumps along the way, but if you keep doing activities which involves exercise or socialising with others then you'll get better.

    And another very important point, especially when it comes to the gym since everyone starts at the same level, as what Ohno said above, do not care what others think of you.

    Good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 22, 2014 11:36 AM GMT
    Good point I try not worry about what people say but I do always worry that because I have an annoying personality I might drive people (especially potential partners) to violent reactions so I can't let my guard down ever. icon_sad.gif
  • MarkW1

    Posts: 118

    Jun 22, 2014 11:40 AM GMT
    Danny_boy93 saidGood point I try not worry about what people say but I do always worry that because I have an annoying personality I might drive people (especially potential partners) to violent reactions so I can't let my guard down ever. icon_sad.gif

    How do you know people perceive you as annoying?

    The more confident you are the happier you'll be. This aspect would be less troublesome for you.
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    Jun 22, 2014 11:46 AM GMT
    MarkW1 said
    Danny_boy93 saidGood point I try not worry about what people say but I do always worry that because I have an annoying personality I might drive people (especially potential partners) to violent reactions so I can't let my guard down ever. icon_sad.gif

    How do you know people perceive you as annoying?

    The more confident you are the happier you'll be. This aspect would be less troublesome for you.


    Well maybe annoying is the wrong word but I know I have driven people to extreme reactions before. As far as your other points I do work, volunteer occasionally and I do go to the gym but I generally feel less confident still. Maybe it's just my personality type lol.
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    Jun 22, 2014 11:53 AM GMT
    What sort of extreme reactions? I have had a small minority of people feel annoyed with me before but I didn't care (see above).
  • MarkW1

    Posts: 118

    Jun 22, 2014 11:54 AM GMT
    Just keep going with these things. Do the gym, volunteer when you can. As I said above, your confidence won't just go up overtime. You need to keep at it and things will get better.

    Regarding how you feel with other people, I've seen the difference between confident and ppl with lack of confidence. People with the former are much, much happier and things you've mentioned above are far less likely to happen.

    You've made a good start by volunteering and the going to the gym already. Keep at it as I'm emphasising in this post.
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    Jun 22, 2014 12:06 PM GMT
    You've already overcome the hardest part of confidence building...admitting you need to build it. That took some balls.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 22, 2014 5:10 PM GMT
    I've been thinking about this question ever since I saw your topic--for myself as well.

    The first thing you need is to get your Dr. to put you on testosterone, the more the better. Test has been shown to turn even the clumsiest most ignorant and irritating moron into a totally self confidant asshole who believes he's gods gift to humankind, even though it may also make him even clumsier, more ignorant and irritating than he was before.

    Obviously I'm (sort of) joking about the testosterone thing. The point is, being self-confidant doesn't necessarily make one a better human being. For sure, some of us need more self confidence than we have. For whatever reason we're so caught up in thinking about what other people *may* be thinking about us, almost all of which shows us to ourselves in a less than positive light, that we fail to see that *most people* seldom think of us *at all* and, even when they do, the thought of us pails in comparison to their own thoughts about themselves, whatever they may be.

    So, besides chemistry, what builds self confidence? Well *one* thing is the ability to do something well. It doesn't really matter what it is. So, my first suggestion is you sit down with a piece of paper (far better than doing it on a computer or device, IMO, because you can hold it in your hand, fold it up, stick it in your pocket, carry it around with you as a reminder or, alternately, pin it on a door or something where you can see it repeatedly), and write down in big capital letters: DANNY IS REALLY GOOD AT _______________! (fill in the blank).

    Whatever it is, the point is, you *know* this about yourself. It doesn't matter that much (although, admittedly, it does help) whether anyone knows it or acknowledges it. What matters most is that *you* know it.

    Another way to build confidence is to *become* good at something you're not good at now. Again, doesn't matter what it is. It does help if it is something that interests you but it doesn't have to be a major life accomplishment like sky-diving or becoming a brain surgeon. Can be something simple but just generally ignored. For example, you decide that for the next week when ever you go out of the house you're going to wear something *you* feel makes you look good, or sexy, or confident, or attractive or whatever. Like I say, that's just an example, can be anything but it really helps to set yourself a *reachable* goal of some sort and then actually carry that through.

    Another example sort of like the above is to do dead lifts. First, research online and find out the *proper* way to do them. Focus on learning the *skill* and *form* of dead lifting and concentrate on that. When you go to the gym it may be you will *only* do this one thing (you can give yourself permission to do this). Forget about all the rest of it for the time being: You're going to become a master dead lifter! Take pencil and paper with you and keep very accurate notes on: a) how much you lifted; b) how many reps/sets; c) the length of time you did the reps/sets. Before you begin, make note of how you were feeling (no matter what you were feeling, just your overall mood, how apprehensive you may be feeling or w/e). After the workout, again, make note of your mood, whatever it is (happy, excited, discouraged, annoyed or w/e).

    After dong this every other day for a week or so, (and rewarding yourself with good food, especially some protein, immediately after your workout), begin to set yourself goals. You now have an objective record of what you *can* do. Now, you're ready to begin challenging yourself. Not *too* much, just enough. That could mean a) adding more weight to the bar; b) doing more reps or sets; c) doing the same weight, reps/set but in faster time (but still in perfect form). It may be one week you'll choose a, the next, b, and the third c; always aiming to make each workout your own *personal best*. It doesn't matter one damn bit what *anyone* else around you is doing or what they may be thinking about what *you* are doing. For get that! You're there doing what you are doing *for yourself* and only for yourself.

    Seriously, try that for, oh, I duno, a couple months or so and observe what happens. I can pretty much guarantee that, although obviously it isn't going to take care of all your self-worth / self-confidence issues, it will make a dent. Hey, it will naturally raise your testosterone, for one thing! icon_razz.gif

    I'm someone who has struggled with those issues my whole life. The fundamental message I got (especially from my dad) was that I'd never amount to anything. He told me that directly and indirectly over and over and over again as a child. Even though a part of my mind rebelled against it and set out to prove him wrong, another part of me 'bought' it and I've struggled with it in every endeavor I've engaged in since.

    BUT… and this is the point… building self confidence *begins* with acknowledging *what* we're confident about *already*. If we can do one thing well, then we can do a second thing well, and a third, and so on. It just takes focus, time, attention, practice, and, most of all, a willingness to *endure* our own inner critic *and not let him stop us* (or stop us for long).

    Another thing that helps is to be mindful of your own thought processes. If you say to yourself, "I can't do it," or "I'm not good enough," or "I hate this about myself," or "I wish I were____" (fill in the blank) -- the main-stays of people with low self-esteem issues -- then well, a) you need to be aware that you're harming yourself with these thoughts and b) some part of you needs to begin standing up for you by saying, "No, I *can* do this, I *am* good enough, I *don't* hate myself, and I only wish to be *the best myself* I can be!" See, what *matters most* is NOT what other people think of you, what matters most is what *you* think of yourself.

    So, buddy, I hope this helps. I know, believe me I *know*, how hard it is especially when people around you reinforce the negative over and over again. *That* becomes our reality. BUT what I'm trying to get across is that that "reality" isn't really real. For sure we all have our weaknesses… ALL of us have faults or ways we can improve. Remember that! No exceptions there. But what other people are or aren't really isn't under our control. The only person we can change is ourselves (and, even then, often with much difficulty). BUT it *can* be done. It just takes a bit of focus, a bit of discipline and, most of all, the slowly growing awareness that, not only is there nothing wrong with us, we are made up of a *lot* of good qualities already and many more that can be improved.

    You can do it. Not saying it will be 'easy'; but who values things that come 'easily'? Easy isn't the point. The point is you can face yourself, your inner contradictions, and through facing them you can reconcile them and overcome them. I'm confident of that! Soon, you will be too. ;)
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    Jun 22, 2014 5:20 PM GMT
    It's simple: you fake it. I was so self-councious and had no confidence throughout life, and then one day I focused on my strengths instead of weakness. If people tried to put me down I would say "Psh, you are just jealous". I turned anything negative into a positive, and faked my confidence until it ultimately became real.

    It's like if you tell a little white lie for so long. Later down the road you forget if it's the truth or not, but to you it is all still real.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 22, 2014 5:23 PM GMT
    JumpMan_Josh saidIt's simple: you fake it. I was so self-councious and had no confidence throughout life, and then one day I focused on my strengths instead of weakness. If people tried to put me down I would say "Psh, you are just jealous". I turned anything negative into a positive, and faked my confidence until it ultimately became real.

    It's like if you tell a little white lie for so long. Later down the road you forget if it's the truth or not, but to you it is all still real.

    ^^^ icon_wink.gificon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2014 5:34 PM GMT
    - Do things that make you feel good about yourself.
    - Act like you know what youre doing even if you dont.
    - Dont care about the rest.
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    Jun 22, 2014 5:48 PM GMT
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2014 6:18 PM GMT
    I kind of gain my confidence from knowing what I know I do best in, or at least better in. Learning new skills and going through the rough challenges is also a way to gain confidence for me.

    Also sometimes it's just having pride in myself and things that I associate with. (my heritage, my fandom icon_razz.gif, etc)
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    Jun 22, 2014 6:18 PM GMT
    Danny_boy93 saidI always try to be confident but it's impossible or at least very difficult. Any confidence building tips will be greatly appreciated because quite honestly I'm sick of feeling so worthless.


    A lot of people seem to think confidence is about pretending to not care or actually not caring about what other people think., but this is a symptom of confidence as confidence has no relation to what other people think of you; confidence is about one's relationship with oneself.

    In my view, confidence is built mostly on achievement; as such, if you are looking to build confidence, the best way to do so would be to accomplish things in your life that you previously thought too difficult or required too much work to achieve. This could revolve around a myriad of things: work, health, maybe some sort of skillset.
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    Jun 22, 2014 7:00 PM GMT
    Society elevates other people because of their success, their looks,their wealth etc. . Often they find themselves in that position by circumstance.

    Confidence is about the way you think and what you do.

    Great people come in all shapes and sizes. We are all people like any one else and you do not need to worry about the other people and what they think.

    Be concerned about being happy with yourself and the type of person you are and what you can do. Care about your family, friends and your community even when they do not always appreciate you.

    Find things that concern you. What stimulates, interests and is relevant for you and the people you care about.

    Do what you can to help yourself, enhance your life and others.
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    Jun 24, 2014 6:47 PM GMT
    silver_bullet saidWhat the OP is really fishing for is how can he talk one of those types in his Hot List into letting him suck their cock.


    If we knew that, would we be posting here? I think not icon_neutral.gif
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    Jun 24, 2014 7:33 PM GMT
    silver_bullet saidWhat the OP is really fishing for is how can he talk one of those types in his Hot List into letting him suck their cock.



    lol
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    Jun 24, 2014 8:59 PM GMT
    I think confidence is a weird thing because some days I don't think about it and then other days I feel socially awkward and dread talking to people lol. Maybe that's just life and it shouldn't be an issue even though some days it feels like it is a big deal.
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    Jun 24, 2014 9:01 PM GMT
    silver_bullet saidWhat the OP is really fishing for is how can he talk one of those types in his Hot List into letting him suck their cock.


    It really has nothing to do with that kinda thing at all. Don't bring me down to your level!
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    Jun 24, 2014 9:59 PM GMT
    JumpMan_Josh saidIt's simple: you fake it. I was so self-councious and had no confidence throughout life, and then one day I focused on my strengths instead of weakness. If people tried to put me down I would say "Psh, you are just jealous". I turned anything negative into a positive, and faked my confidence until it ultimately became real.

    It's like if you tell a little white lie for so long. Later down the road you forget if it's the truth or not, but to you it is all still real.


    + 1000000000. That's how I did it a million years ago.
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    Jun 24, 2014 10:38 PM GMT
    Danny_boy93 saidI think confidence is a weird thing because some days I don't think about it and then other days I feel socially awkward and dread talking to people lol. Maybe that's just life and it shouldn't be an issue even though some days it feels like it is a big deal.

    I feel exactly the same way. To this day I sometimes feel shy & awkward, when I think I'm not in my element.

    I think only an egomaniac is forceful in every situation. For the rest of us normal people, of course we feel some insecurity in certain situations.

    At the same time, be aware that talking with strangers is the most wonderful thing in the world. They tell you so much. You learn so much. Why would you fear & avoid that?