Closure Question

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2014 2:59 AM GMT
    My recent ex and I had coffee and he basically said he could not give me the sort of commitment that I wanted and deserved, given his current schedule and issues. He made obscure references to maybe being ready in the future, and continuing to rely on me for emotional support/remaining friends. Is this just a game he's playing? Why would I want to be his friend?
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 23, 2014 3:01 AM GMT
    So, you don't like him well enough to be his friend?
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    Jun 23, 2014 3:01 AM GMT
    Can't answer rhetorical questions.
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    Jun 23, 2014 3:51 AM GMT
    MikeW saidSo, you don't like him well enough to be his friend?


    Well, the issue is I may like him too much to be his friend (i.e. still have raw feelings). I think it's disingenuous to dump someone, but still expect them to be your friend. What he is seeking is all of the emotional support, without the commitment of me as a boyfriend. He even went so far as to say, he would probably still rely on me for emotional support in the future.
  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Jun 23, 2014 4:14 AM GMT
    He basically wants you for fucking, a crying shoulder, someone there for comfort without the relationship responsibilities.
    There are people in worse situations that have held strong.

    This guy doesn't have much respect for you.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 23, 2014 4:19 AM GMT
    willocdh said
    MikeW saidSo, you don't like him well enough to be his friend?
    Well, the issue is I may like him too much to be his friend (i.e. still have raw feelings). I think it's disingenuous to dump someone, but still expect them to be your friend. What he is seeking is all of the emotional support, without the commitment of me as a boyfriend. He even went so far as to say, he would probably still rely on me for emotional support in the future.

    Obviously you don't have to offer emotional support to anyone you don't feel comfortable with. If you feel he's being manipulative and passive aggressive, no, you can't be friends.

    Getting "closure" to me means getting clarity. Sometimes that takes a while. Clarity is often clouded by our strong emotions. But if you feel strongly that you don't want to be friends with this guy, that's a pretty clear statement. A decision, even. Beyond that it is just going through the adjustment of not having him in your life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2014 9:20 AM GMT
    It's really simple...

    you have to get a grip on your emotions before you engage your ex.

    Everything and anything he does (at this point) (regarding you) will be confusing..
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    Jun 23, 2014 3:58 PM GMT
    willocdh said
    MikeW saidSo, you don't like him well enough to be his friend?


    Well, the issue is I may like him too much to be his friend (i.e. still have raw feelings). I think it's disingenuous to dump someone, but still expect them to be your friend. What he is seeking is all of the emotional support, without the commitment of me as a boyfriend. He even went so far as to say, he would probably still rely on me for emotional support in the future.


    You need time away. Tell him you need some time to get over him, but that you would be willing to consider being friends. One of my exes and I are very good friends.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jun 23, 2014 4:04 PM GMT
    Ya, a lot of good advice here. Except for Rene. He may be right but my guess is your ex is a good guy. He is feeling his way through the situation himself. He obviously cares for you and is trying to be honest. But the others are right. You need an extended break to get your emotional life re-started. Just be kind and honest with your ex.
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    Jun 23, 2014 8:38 PM GMT
    Rene_Aensland saidHe basically wants you for fucking, a crying shoulder, someone there for comfort without the relationship responsibilities.
    There are people in worse situations that have held strong.

    This guy doesn't have much respect for you.


    Here is the pill. The question is, will you swallow it?

    Is he playing a game? Absolutely.
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    Jun 23, 2014 8:50 PM GMT
    People are all we Truly have on this spinning ball of Chaos...


    Why would you let go completely of one of the people that knows you best? Assuming the relationship was substantial(over a year or so), you guys helped shape one anothers' lives for that period of time!

    A little sexual tension and attachment shouldn't trump one of the best friendships you've ever had (again, I assume the relationship started for a REASON).

    I think a huge sign of maturity is being able to coexist with an ex.

    Writing them off because you can't handle sharing them with someone more compatible long-term just means you haven't learned anything about Yourself through the process of the relationship.


    EDIT: I think a break is healthy and necessary to separate the new chapter of your friendship... but I will Never understanding writing someone off completely.
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    Jun 24, 2014 6:49 AM GMT
    Thanks guys, for your responses. The break is exactly what I have decided to do at this point, to get clarity and independence.