I always knew it!

  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jun 23, 2014 3:10 AM GMT
    Many, many(eighteen) years ago my father told me he disliked my star tattoos on one side of my neck because he thinks they represent something gay(lol...stupid idiot) and what if they did??? What a jack ass. I can't believe he still thinks that after I told him they are just stars, nothing more.

    This all happened yesterday upon an unexpected visit to my moms house(divorced)and wanting to chat to my mom about my brother who is 38 and how he needs my moms help with my brother. My mom said, ugh..he is 38 and is helped him many times. He is an adult and can make wiser dessisiouns.

    After a chat, my mom told my dad that you have another son and he has a son making you the grandfather but you choose not to acknowledge them both or his relationship with his husband who are very great parents and have a healthy relationship. My father told my mom(not a surprise) that he is embarrassed of me and my relationship with my husband.

    This is no surprise to me at all. I've always known that my father never liked me for who I am, but was a bit surprised to know that he is embarrassed of me. Gotta admit that kind hurt, ouch. Being a father now, I could never think of me disliking or being embarrassed of my son for who he is.

    I have really distanced my self, my husband and my son from my father up to maybe seeing him once a year, now I kinda don't want see him at all. Our relationship has never been good, he has never shown growth or looked beyond his hand. I'm embarrassed of him, to call him my father. My stepfather is my real father, a very good man.

    What would you guys do, or how would you handle hearing this?
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    Jun 23, 2014 3:28 AM GMT
    Why do you say "being a father now" and only talk about your son. I remember from other of your threads that you also had a daughter from a previous marriage. Actually I remember very well you said that it was "unfortunate" it was daughter and not a son. I find this strange.
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jun 23, 2014 3:49 AM GMT
    David3K saidWhy do you say "being a father now" and only talk about your son. I remember from other of your threads that you also had a daughter from a previous marriage. Actually I remember very well you said that it was "unfortunate" it was daughter and not a son. I find this strange.


    Umm, I think you have me mixed up with someone else bud. I only have a son and married my husband. Never before that, so...
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    Jun 23, 2014 3:54 AM GMT
    Just because you come from the same blood as someone else doesn't make you "family." It makes you "relatives." Your so called "father" sounds like he's just a relative to me. Choose your own family members.
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    Jun 23, 2014 4:15 AM GMT
    I don't get it either. I can't understand how any parent will "DIS" their own child.

    My dad is for sure is old school and a 1st class hick and always will be. He's a hot headed big mouth bigot, hater and racist. He's mean and condescending.

    You would expect him or a dad to say hey how are you??? Great to see you and how's my Son Doing??? OH NO!!! NEVER.

    I try to always remember his good and what he has done for me when I was a kid. He just stopped being a dad when I was early in my youth and drank and smoked his life all the wile he gambled and attended union meetings that were at a bar.

    Now, he's older and dieing of sever diabetes and near kidney failure. All my sisters who he treats differently rally around him and I am still basically shunned out.

    Still shunned because of who I am and the fact they found one of my old witter accounts that was there for ME to come out and express myself.

    Talk about hypocrites and self righteous to the core.

    They are fault finders and hyper-critical and for over three years they ignored me because I came out my way and they didn't like it or who I was with at the time......

    FAMILY?? I will make up with them but.....their day is coming and pay backs are a bitch!!!

    I just don't think about it anymore......
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 23, 2014 4:28 AM GMT
    Yeah, some dads can be first class assholes. I reconciled with my father on his deathbed. It was the one and only good conversation I ever had with him. It took near-death for him to get to a place in himself where *being there* openly and honestly with another human being--who also happened to be his son he had emotionally neglected and worse all his life--became possible. Still, I consider myself lucky. Some never get there even when staring death in the face.
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    Jun 23, 2014 4:38 AM GMT
    It's tragic. I think that deep inside, we all long for a bonding and acceptance from our own dad, but unfortunately many of us never had that.

    I hope you now as a dad, you can become the bigger man and see past your father's issues. You know and understand things better than he does.
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jun 23, 2014 6:16 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the responses, yeah I know family is what you make it. And I do think of my dad as not a real dad. My stepfather is such a better man than my biological one.

    Some people should never have children. I don't understand his thinking, it's so alien to me. I am letting him go, I'm just gonna write him a constructed, nice letter stating that I wanna be left alone and explain how I got to this point and why I want this for my family. This surfaced relationship is draining and I can't go on giving to someone who doesn't appreciate me.

    I wouldn't take this from anyone, why from my dad? Just for sake of keeping family, hell no.
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jun 23, 2014 6:19 AM GMT
    polfsky saidIt's tragic. I think that deep inside, we all long for a bonding and acceptance from our own dad, but unfortunately many of us never had that.

    I hope you now as a dad, you can become the bigger man and see past your father's issues. You know and understand things better than he does.


    I think I'm more compassionate then he will ever be. I'm gonna be a great dad who loves this little guy to the end and show him how to be a human being and to treat people like he would wanna be treated.
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jun 23, 2014 6:22 AM GMT
    sunjbill saidSounds like you have a great life, so live it and others that want to share in it will, those that won't won't, and those that won't...well that's their loss.


    I am greatful for those who wanna be in my life as I'm greatful to be in theirs.
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jun 23, 2014 6:22 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidJust because you come from the same blood as someone else doesn't make you "family." It makes you "relatives." Your so called "father" sounds like he's just a relative to me. Choose your own family members.


    Yup, this ^
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    Jun 23, 2014 7:59 AM GMT
    Why would you call your father a jackass in a public forum?

    in a nutshell you just told us.... you are the son of a jackass icon_idea.gif
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jun 23, 2014 11:52 AM GMT
    Anocxu saidWhy would you call your father a jackass in a public forum?

    in a nutshell you just told us.... you are the son of a jackass icon_idea.gif


    Because he is and I can say what I want. You can say what you want as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2014 12:00 PM GMT
    Kalifornication said
    Scruffypup saidJust because you come from the same blood as someone else doesn't make you "family." It makes you "relatives." Your so called "father" sounds like he's just a relative to me. Choose your own family members.

    Yup, this ^

    I think pup's comment nicely encapsulates the situation, and should provide you with the answer you want.

    (BTW, the problem you had with writing the number "18" in parens, turning into a sunglass emoticon: space out the right parens after any number 8. Otherwise many online software programs will read that character combination as an emoticon)

    What you got: (1icon_cool.gif
    The solution: (18 )
    Not ideal text formatting, but a simple work-around.
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jun 23, 2014 3:27 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    Kalifornication said
    Scruffypup saidJust because you come from the same blood as someone else doesn't make you "family." It makes you "relatives." Your so called "father" sounds like he's just a relative to me. Choose your own family members.

    Yup, this ^

    I think pup's comment nicely encapsulates the situation, and should provide you with the answer you want.

    (BTW, the problem you had with writing the number "18" in parens, turning into a sunglass emoticon: space out the right parens after any number 8. Otherwise many online software programs will read that character combination as an emoticon)

    What you got: (1icon_cool.gif
    The solution: (18 )
    Not ideal text formatting, but a simple work-around.


    Yeah, I figured. Thanks bud
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2014 4:10 PM GMT
    I totally get where you're coming from on this in so many ways. First, those that have mentioned that you don't get to choose your relatives are spot on. We can't choose them, but we do get to choose with whom we're close to or want to remain in touch with. Regardless of the 'family position' of the person, respect is required in order to maintain a decent relationship. It sounds to me that he has forfeited that respect. I had this issue with 2 of my 4 brothers. I have chosen to discontinue my relationship, as hard as it was, because I don't need that negativity in my life. I'd rather surround myself with relatives that love and care for me, make my life happier and are more pleasant to be around.

    As a father, these stories hit me right to the core. I have children and now grandchildren and I just can NOT imagine being there for all of them. They've all had their struggles and done things I didn't like or appreciate but I've never given up on them or stopped loving and supporting them. I'm their dad and THAT will always be! My oldest is much like you, in that she is originally a step child (adopted by me now) to me. She left to find her 'real' dad only to end up in a broken relationship with him and coming back to the one dad that was there for her from her first birthday til today. I may not be her biological dad but I'm really the only dad she's ever had. The one that picked her up when she fell, hugged her when she was sad, stood by her during some very dark times and now, enjoy her and her family in some very happy family moments.

    Leave the negativity behind, say good bye to those who are not supportive, surround yourself with positive role models for you, your husband and your child. Life is too short for the drama, just live in happiness with those that love you and care for you. They are the ones that will be there for you when you need them anyway. As my ex wife once told me, just don't forget that the family that loves you and will always be here for you are the ones you have right here!

    Hang in thereā€¦.good luck.
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    Jun 23, 2014 4:28 PM GMT
    Your do not get to choose your family. You have to live with them and put up with the situations that you find yourself in.

    It does not help to burn bridges. Family is family. Keep contact to a minimum if you want and remain civil.

    You never know sometimes people mellow with age and you could find your relationship will improve in the future.
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    Jun 23, 2014 6:21 PM GMT
    Kalifornication said ... I have really distanced my self, my husband and my son from my father up to maybe seeing him once a year, now I kinda don't want see him at all. Our relationship has never been good, he has never shown growth or looked beyond his hand ...
    just let it go. I would not even visit him anymore.

    sounds like you have good people around you, why subject them to your father's hate.

    your mother divorced the man and moved on with her life. You havnt mentioned you dad being able to do this. Dosnt this say something?
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    Jun 23, 2014 6:33 PM GMT
    homejames saidYour do not get to choose your family. You have to live with them and put up with the situations that you find yourself in.

    It does not help to burn bridges. Family is family. Keep contact to a minimum if you want and remain civil.

    You never know sometimes people mellow with age and you could find your relationship will improve in the future.


    I couldn't disagree with you more. I've never understood that whole "family is family" saying. It's just a non-sensical phrase that people keep repeating because someone else said it. My boyfriend's mom is like a second mother to me, while my blood family thinks I'm less than them because I'm gay. So tell me....which is my true family? icon_confused.gif
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    Jun 23, 2014 6:50 PM GMT
    Relationships, feelings and perspectives can change over time.
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    Jun 23, 2014 7:02 PM GMT
    I don't understand when people say family is family etc. I have no relationship with my father and it's never affected me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2014 7:11 PM GMT
    We make the family we need. Collect people that add to your happiness and shed those that don't. Life is too short to get dragged down by other people or situations you can't control.

    To this day, my mother, Mistress of Divorces and Family Destruction, is the only person to ever say something negative when I came out to her.

    Hang in there, buddy. You're not alone icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 23, 2014 7:13 PM GMT
    My dad got really mad because I have a shirt with the devil on it. Ahahaha. It's like I'm really in the 60's again. And a child.
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jun 23, 2014 10:40 PM GMT
    homejames saidYour do not get to choose your family. You have to live with them and put up with the situations that you find yourself in.

    It does not help to burn bridges. Family is family. Keep contact to a minimum if you want and remain civil.

    You never know sometimes people mellow with age and you could find your relationship will improve in the future.


    Um, no I don't. My old therapist told me that, that statement is so wrong and why so many people are unhappy. I deserve to feel happiness all the time or the majority of the time. I don't hang around negative people, why allow my father too?

    My dad is 64 and is still a jerk. I gave him many chances to be there, he doesn't want to.He is was too narcissistic
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Jun 23, 2014 10:41 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    homejames saidYour do not get to choose your family. You have to live with them and put up with the situations that you find yourself in.

    It does not help to burn bridges. Family is family. Keep contact to a minimum if you want and remain civil.

    You never know sometimes people mellow with age and you could find your relationship will improve in the future.


    I couldn't disagree with you more. I've never understood that whole "family is family" saying. It's just a non-sensical phrase that people keep repeating because someone else said it. My boyfriend's mom is like a second mother to me, while my blood family thinks I'm less than them because I'm gay. So tell me....which is my true family? icon_confused.gif


    Yeah, I think my father thinks I'm less of a person than him. Glad you choose your family. Peace is with you!