My life is a mess in tons of ways

  • Trontastic

    Posts: 135

    Jun 24, 2014 8:23 AM GMT
    So, I feel like venting a bit of frustration at myself. If anyone else feels like throwing out some advice, that'd be dandy. I'm not sure if general is the right area for this post, but it touches on a lot of the sub forum topics here.

    So, to start, I am deeply uncomfortable with any level of intimacy. I'm gay, I know that much. But the idea of actually being together with another man fills me with... I don't know if dread is the right word, but it's close. Seriously, never done anything with anyone before. Frankly, im not sure what I WOULD do behind closed doors with a guy I like. I'm 22, so it's not as much of a big deal right now. But if I don't change? At 25? 30? 40? I'm not sure I want my life to play out like a Steve Carrel movie. I think part of it is massive self confidence issues.

    Which kind of brings me to my next point. I'm worried that I have all the charisma and likeability of a stick with some hair taped to the top. My profile pic was taken two years ago, and the only thing that's changed about me is that I've grown a beard. Not as a conscious choice, but in more of a "fuck shaving" kind of sense. I've got body acne, I'm skinny fat. Basically, I would bring nothing to the table in any relationship.

    I want to change this. I want to stop living off ramen noodles and playing FTL instead of doing Uni work. I've tried and failed multiple times. I used to think it was nothing but sheer laziness, but I recently went to a doctor about it, and he said it sounds like depression. They say exercise helps with stuff like that, but it does a fat lot of good when I can't be bothered to get out of bed before noon on most days.

    In summary, I live a slob. I'm a loner, I'm unfit, cripplingly shy, a neckbeard and I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of me. What the bloody hell should I do? Frankly, I don't think I can do this on my own anymore...

    As an addendum, here's a clip I've been watching all day as opposed to doing my laundry.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2014 9:23 AM GMT
    1. Don't think about future, you'll never know what is going to happen in the next hour, let alone years! So, live in the present, and i can guarantee that half (or even more) of your concerns will be gone forever. And you'll even laugh at it wondering 'Have I worried about these trivial matters?'

    2. If you're not feeling to do anything behind closed doors, then don't do. Talk about how you feel to the person...if he's good, he'll understand you.

    3. Don't be lazy, you'll see the wonders you could do with your hands and feet if you are not lazy! I don't know how to advise a person to avoid laziness or procrastination...but I think you can start with something small and then going big.
    like cleaning wardrobe or a table and then next day whole room.
    if you're bored, go out for a walk!

    BTW, beauty is very very subjective! Just few days ago, I've seen a very handsome man with his BF who's quite average. And I felt very happy seeing them together.
    They are just sexy as hell to each other. It's just love.


    All the best ;)
  • tj85016

    Posts: 4123

    Jun 24, 2014 9:51 AM GMT
    so what did the doctor suggest you do? he/she should refer you to a psychologist/psychiatrist
  • Trontastic

    Posts: 135

    Jun 24, 2014 10:07 AM GMT
    tj85016 saidso what did the doctor suggest you do? he/she should refer you to a psychologist/psychiatrist


    I'm seeing a guy now. As it stands, I'm taking antidepressants, and he suggests I live healthier.
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    Jun 24, 2014 12:17 PM GMT
    Try small, quantifiable steps, something that you have a good chance of accomplishing. Once you start having some successes, your confidence level will build and you can tackle bigger things. Good luck.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 24, 2014 12:25 PM GMT
    First, absolute congrats for recognizing your issue or perceived issue and wanting to do something about it. That puts you ahead of about 90% of those out there who don't want to acknowledge an issue or just don't know what to do about it so it is just ignored.

    I like the small step idea. I'd suggest a "hug" and maybe a simple kissing session and see how you feel. I'm being serious. Evaluate, see how you are doing with it. You might decide that some counseling might be the best approach. If you develop a sense of comfort from the kissing session and want to explore additional intimacy... do what makes sense, but one step at a time.

    You are absolutely on the right track. DO NOT wait until you are 40 or 45 and then feel like you wasted those years, doing something now is empowering! Kudos for articulating the issue, certainly figure it out..
    you'll be much happier for it!
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 24, 2014 2:18 PM GMT
    You're getting good advice above.

    Just to give you some perspective from someone who has lived a bit more, I was *miserable* at your age. Just miserable. My life was *totally* fucked up, so much so I not only went into a very deep depression, I seriously considered killing myself… a lot!

    I'm just saying this isn't uncommon, especially for young gay guys who have grown up in a social environment where being gay has to be kept hidden--or at lead on the DL. For one thing, guys in settings like that seldom get to 'date' and do the other 'discovering about relationship' things that straight kids tend to do. There may be other factors, too. My dad did a real number on my self-worth, regardless of my sexuality.

    It took me awhile to even begin to get my shit together. Finally at age 24 I began seeing a psychologist and that helped. One thing led to another and I moved half-way across the country from where i grew up to work with another psychologist I'd met through the first one. Little by little I began to discover the things about myself that were good qualities and began to develop them. I wasn't a great looker, but I was way cuter and hotter than I knew!

    The sort of horrifying thing about this is it is mostly all in our heads. We get so caught up in thinking the same negative things about ourselves over and over again that there seems to be no way out. It's a trap that is meant to keep us 'safe' from life but, like all prisons, it is a no-win situation. We're 'safe' but we're also lonely and miserable.

    Thankfully, with help, I found my way out of that head-trip. I made friends (gay and straight). I found community. I found lovers and eventually partners. I grew into an adult who was intelligent, motivated, caring, insightful, and capable of giving and receiving love. There came a point where I seldom got depressed any more--and that has been the reality most of my life.

    All this just to say, how things are for you right now need not be how they'll be for you your whole life. It really is a kind of a 'phase' (although we never like hearing that) that is partly due to our transitioning from being 'children' to being 'adults'.

    You've been given good advice above. I didn't begin to seriously work on my body until I was over 60--was never much interested in working out or any of that before--but, man, do I wish I'd started sooner! Not to become a body builder or anything like that but because working out causes all kinds of chemical and hormonal changes in the body and the brain, too. Whether it is lifting weights, running, doing aerobics, playing some sport you like, w/e, once you begin to sweat and those endorphins kick-in, it is really an amazing feeling. And a feeling that carries over into the rest of your life.

    So, I'm just saying, don't give up hope. It really is possible to overcome these states of mind and to become more the kind of person we want to be (whatever that is). Getting psychological 'tools' from a psychologist is one part of it and for some of us an absolutely necessary part. But there are other things to do. I encourage anyone your age to get physically active. Doesn't matter what it is. Hiking, swimming, running, lifting, rock climbing, surfing. Find something you enjoy doing and do it as much as possible. Also, if there is anything 'creative' (writing, drawing, making music or what ever), do that too. Try not to be overly critical of your ability in any of these activities. The point isn't necessarily to be 'the best', but to get interested in something enough that you begin to *want* to do it, no forced 'discipline' required.

    You can do it. You don't have to stay stuck in your own boxed up world. Not any more. You see there is a problem and, with help, you can face it and overcome it. It may take time and there may be phases within it. Just remember this: You are a unique human being. You *do* have something to 'bring to the table' not only of a relationship, but of life in general. It may take a while to find it, dig it out, clean it up, polish it and share it (and there are likely many such qualities) with others--but you can do it. That's what we're here for.

    Don't let the world with all its bull shit 'kill' you. We *need* good people! And we need the qualities you have to offer. Finding them and letting them shine through you will help not only you but everyone you come in contact with ;)

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    Jun 24, 2014 3:05 PM GMT
    Hang in there. Many of us have been there and we know how you feel. Don't ever think you can't ask for some advice or comments. You have friends here and guys that understand where you are. Big HUG to you!!!!!
  • Trontastic

    Posts: 135

    Jun 24, 2014 4:41 PM GMT
    Thanks heaps for the messages guys! I'm feeling so trapped in myself I needed some new perspective.

    Another thing I wanted to talk about. I wanted to get into an exercise regimen, but I can never get of my ass to follow one all on my own. So, I was thinking it would be best to find someone to workout with, and keep me accountable and on track. There's just some things I'm not sure about though. What should I expect? How would I go about finding someone? Should I tell them I'm gay? Should it matter? I'd like to point out, I live about 2 hours train ride form Sydney, and the gay 'scene' where I live isn't particularly vibrant, though homophobia isn't so much of an issue.
  • tj85016

    Posts: 4123

    Jun 24, 2014 6:59 PM GMT
    ^^

    That's a good idea. Find a workout buddy. Do not tell them you're gay at first, it's just a workout, not a date.

    Do you have a local gym nearby?
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    Jun 24, 2014 7:14 PM GMT
    If you are depressed it is easy for it to affect your studies. It must be your number one priority to not let that happen while you are suffering. Everything else, you can put it in a box and deal with it later.

    Secondly, I would recommend that you join the LGB club at uni. There will be people there who are or were going through the same thing as you. Also, lots of students have their first drunken gay snog on an LGB night out. It sounds like you might be grateful to get it out of the way. I never joined the LGB myself but I can see that you will rarely get the opportunity to meet and socialise with such a large group of gay people.

    I had depression once a long time ago and what got me out of it was a summer of studying like crazy to make up the ground I had lost, combined with talking to some of the people I thought didn't like me, and finding out that I imagined the whole thing. I have never looked back since really.
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    Jun 24, 2014 7:27 PM GMT
    I can relate with some of what you are describing and so can a lot of other people. Remember that you are not alone.

    You express yourself articulately. You are a bright person. Smart people can have a more difficult time coping because you have to live with the world and the people around you.

    Remember that quality people come in all shapes and sizes. People are 99% the same genetically. The differences you may have with other people are not as important as you might think.

    If you are feeling depressed you may want to seek counselling and find someone to talk to. A lot of good people seek some form of counselling at some point in their lives.

    Find a way to get involved or engaged with other people. A support group, clubs, volunteer work or an association with other people might be a start.

    Set some goals in life on what you would like to accomplish. Form some plans and follow through with them.

    Society is becoming increasingly complicated for people. Technology, economic conditions and the growing population, climate changes and resource availability for example. Because of the flux you have to adapt with the changes. Keep educating yourself and stay informed.

    You have to want to do things for yourself. Believe in yourself and what you can do. It's a personal thing. Self confidence starts with you.

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    Jun 24, 2014 8:19 PM GMT
    Trontastic said
    tj85016 saidso what did the doctor suggest you do? he/she should refer you to a psychologist/psychiatrist


    I'm seeing a guy now. As it stands, I'm taking antidepressants, and he suggests I live healthier.


    Sounds like sound advice. Continue going to your counselor/therapist. Continue taking the medications. Depression is a medical condition and it is treatable.

    Consider going to the gym. Consider reading up on healthier living instead of watching TV or such.

    I've found that doing cardio helps with depression. I've also found that working out with weights helps with other "negative" emotions and transmogrifies them into physical, mental, and spiritual strength.

    Keep doing good for yourself!

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 24, 2014 8:20 PM GMT
    Physical health feeds mental health. The gym is a good idea but another you might consider is joining a martial arts group. Shave, shower, clip your fingernails and toenails, brush your teeth and make yourself presentable. Then enroll in a karate class. You'll start with all beginners so you won't feel inferior. Then learn it. You'll be surprised how much fun you'll have. And how good you feel.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 24, 2014 8:22 PM GMT
    Trontastic saidThanks heaps for the messages guys! I'm feeling so trapped in myself I needed some new perspective.

    Another thing I wanted to talk about. I wanted to get into an exercise regimen, but I can never get of my ass to follow one all on my own. So, I was thinking it would be best to find someone to workout with, and keep me accountable and on track. There's just some things I'm not sure about though. What should I expect? How would I go about finding someone? Should I tell them I'm gay? Should it matter? I'd like to point out, I live about 2 hours train ride form Sydney, and the gay 'scene' where I live isn't particularly vibrant, though homophobia isn't so much of an issue.

    To really help with that we'd need some idea of what things are like where you are. For example, would you be going to a gym on your uni campus or would you be going to a public gym? Often university gyms (like the one I belong to) have special classes for novices. They may also have personal trainers or even student personal trainers. If you're going to a public gym it may be a similar situation. See what is around you. Go to the gym. Talk with one of their representatives about what they offer for people who like yourself. Tell them what your goals are (they'll probably ask you this question so give it some thought beforehand). See what their answers are.

    Now, I know this doesn't *directly* answer your question but it is a place to start. I think it is important for a complete novice to get some personal training. Many gyms offer a few sessions with a personal trainer as a part of the initial membership package. This will give you some idea of how to use the equipment and what the different options are.

    Now, beyond that, it is just a matter of seeing what is available. *Some* gym goers are looking for workout partners (most, however, are not). Perhaps you can ask this question during your initial visit. Perhaps there is a bulletin board where you can pin up a note saying a bit about yourself and what you're hoping for.

    In any case, I wouldn't pin my workout on whether or not I can find someone to workout with me. There are times when it is helpful but to me, unless we had similar approaches, goals, schedules and so on, it would be more of a distraction. For me, working out is a very 'focused' time set aside for *me* to do my thing. I don't go to socialize.

    As for coming out to them, that's situational. It shouldn't matter. I mean, it really isn't anyone's business unless they're being offensive in some way or they're someone you're interested in, etc.

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    Jun 24, 2014 8:38 PM GMT
    Start working out.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 25, 2014 12:30 AM GMT
    Trontastic said
    tj85016 saidso what did the doctor suggest you do? he/she should refer you to a psychologist/psychiatrist


    I'm seeing a guy now. As it stands, I'm taking antidepressants, and he suggests I live healthier.



    Do the antidepressants make you feel better ? Worse ? Different ? No difference ?
    From what you've said, it sounds as if they're not helping. Maybe you need different medication or a different doctor.
  • Trontastic

    Posts: 135

    Jun 25, 2014 1:05 AM GMT
    Webster666 said
    Trontastic said
    tj85016 saidso what did the doctor suggest you do? he/she should refer you to a psychologist/psychiatrist


    I'm seeing a guy now. As it stands, I'm taking antidepressants, and he suggests I live healthier.



    Do the antidepressants make you feel better ? Worse ? Different ? No difference ?
    From what you've said, it sounds as if they're not helping. Maybe you need different medication or a different doctor.


    The way he described them, it sounds like the pills are to stop me feeling worse. Which it does, I guess, since I'm not suicidal, just self loathing. I just need to work on getting more exercise, and eating better. Though I have no willpower whatsoever when it comes to following a reasonable diet.
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    Jun 25, 2014 1:15 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidPhysical health feeds mental health. The gym is a good idea but another you might consider is joining a martial arts group. Shave, shower, clip your fingernails and toenails, brush your teeth and make yourself presentable. Then enroll in a karate class. You'll start with all beginners so you won't feel inferior. Then learn it. You'll be surprised how much fun you'll have. And how good you feel.



    I think some great advice was given by respondents. I particularly liked the one above that pointed out some quick wins on the personal grooming. It seems easy to let that slide when we get stressed out, sometimes.

    Joining a martial arts club would be a nice start, too. Focus on baby steps until you are more confident about the gym, if necessary. Try biking around your neighbourhood. I bought a cheap $10 bike and did that until I was reasonably sure I wouldn't have a heart attack when I finally joined a gym.
  • Trontastic

    Posts: 135

    Jun 25, 2014 2:59 AM GMT
    Actually, I wouldn't mind taking up a martial art. A (straight) acquaintance of mine does it, and he's really looking good for it. That and the calisthenics work wonders, according to him. I admit, I haven't looked amazingly hard at opportunities in the area, so I really should. Thing is, this semester is winding down, and exams have just finished up. This is partly why I started this thread, I was so angry at myself for doing so horribly this session. So, iunno, I'll see if classes start up again in two weeks or something.

    Also, I got invited by the Uni queer group to Melbourne to attend a queer summit for a week. Don't know what to expect, but hopefully it'll be worthwhile!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 25, 2014 5:23 AM GMT
    Hm, it sounds like you're just going through life.

    1/ Intimacy issue, maybe you're not that gay. Seriously though, I think you just need to open up sexually more. Be more open-minded. I had similar issues like you in my early 20s, I was kinda conservative about gay sex and the act of it. But once, I lost my virginity, I went wild Lol. I became like a little slut in my early/mid 20s. You should watch porn, read gay magazine, get drunk and hit on guys more Lol. Once you're comfortable with yourself, you will not get enough of hot dudes. Just be safe and use protection. (Some of the more repressed guys are often the kinkiest, wildest in the bedroom.) Lol

    2/ Start working out more if you want to be more buff and just take care of yourself, hygiene...etc. You should do it to better yourself, not because you want men to like you.

    3/ Work is hard for everyone. Just try your best at your job, is there something you really want to pursue? Require school? go and pursue do that. There are many people who don't even have a job and in a worse situation.

    4/ Just have a sense of feeling positive. There's always a good side to everything. Focus on the good things going in your life and you'll be fine. Good luck.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2014 4:28 PM GMT
    my life is a mess too... But you don't hear me bragging about it!

    Gosh!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2014 4:38 PM GMT
    I'll play TF2 with you icon_smile.gif (but if you teleport the bread I'm out)

    Too much good advice above.

    Don't worry about being with someone atm. You have to work on yourself a bit first. Knowing that you're doing that (you ARE doing that, aren't you?) should give you some hope and the will to get out of bed. It's a cycle; Feed it.

    You've already identified your faults. Now find your assets and realize that they are. No one is an asset-less loser.

    You didn't say anything that isn't solvable. Acne=dermatologist, skinnyfat=diet/gym. Guys/shyness=practice icon_smile.gif

    The best part of all of this is that you're 22! You still have at least like 8 more years until your dead to other gay guys! WOOOOOOOOOOOO! :p




    P.S. Your profile pic is cute. Ditch the beard and take some new ones icon_biggrin.gif
  • Trontastic

    Posts: 135

    Jun 27, 2014 4:06 AM GMT
    JackBoneTX saidI'll play TF2 with you icon_smile.gif (but if you teleport the bread I'm out)


    Sure, if Australian internet connections don't bother you icon_smile.gif

    Anyway, thanks for the help guys. I realise this may have come off as whining, but I haven't talked to anyone about it. So I felt I needed to, as the wise Idina Menzel put it, 'let it go'.

    I did get sent to a Uni counsellor, who says I show symptoms of acute depression. I know to help, I need to both exercise, and eat healthier.

    If anyone knows how I can stick with a workout/diet plan, that'd be awesome!
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    Jun 27, 2014 4:40 AM GMT
    We all have stages when we become depressed. I would suggest setting a few goals. Nothing big, just stuff you can work towards.

    Do you have a series of books you'd like to read that you haven't been able to devote time to? How about places you'd like to travel?

    In regards to your acne, I'd suggest drinking more water, (half your body weight in ounces daily) throw some cucumbers in it, and you'll start to see healthier skin in as little as a month. Also, change your soap and quit with the Ramen.

    In the mean time, go get your life.