private life not presentable

  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 713

    Jun 25, 2014 6:46 AM GMT
    My friends and coworkers generally think I'm a good-looking, well-dressed, well-rounded guy with a prestigious job who has his shit together, but they only see me when I'm ready and presentable; the other 70% of the time I let loose and revert to a lazy, porn-watching, rag-wearing slob who doesn't get out nearly as much as everyone thinks I do. My hair has the natural texture of straw, to the point where I look ugly without the help of a lot of styling each morning. When it rains even lightly and I don't have an umbrella, my hair unravels and I just hope I don't run into anyone I know. My apartment is only tidy when I have people over; the rest of the time it's a war zone. No one would suspect I have time to post on a gay online forum, much less keep a library of violent gay porn sketches I've drawn.

    This is one of the main reasons why I have a hard time seeing myself in a LTR waking up to a guy every day... in all of my past relationships, having a guy sleep over (or even going to his place) is a chore that requires me cleaning up my act non-stop for a day and a half. I'll have to stop farting, wear sexy underwear instead of my usual ridiculously-loose but very comfortable briefs; wash the dishes more than once a week; rid the bathroom of all the loose hairs fallen about; hide my stack of gay porn sketches; clear my browser history; not shower before bed just to keep the hair style (my just-out-of-shower look is not hot at all), and more.

    Once I had a guy over from Friday night to Sunday night... I was exhausted not from the sex, but from the dancing around just to keep up appearances. I had to send him on an errand just so I can secretly shower and "reset" my look. Tell me there's another way!
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    Jun 25, 2014 4:34 PM GMT
    You need to decide what it is you want. You're high maintenance but of your own doing. You can't be something you're not and eventually the guy you're with will see that.

    If the guy you're with doesn't like the way you keep house, clean up, look like after a shower, then he's not the right guy for you, no matter how hot he is to you. He has to appreciate you for who you are but be forewarned, with the things that you've described you have to be willing to accept those same qualities (if you can call them that) in the other person. Don't expect to go to the guys place and find it neat and clean. Most guys that have those traits, want the same in the person they're dating. You'll never keep that pace up if it's not who you are and your relationship will end up suffering because of it.

    Be yourself, let your date see who you are, how you live and be honest about it. If they don't like it, they'll move on and so should you. You're not compatible (other than perhaps a hookup where each of you realizes it just for physical enjoyment and nothing more).
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 25, 2014 5:12 PM GMT
    At 24, it is time you grow up. Most guys are slobs in college and briefly beyond. But that should end about your age. You are being childishly self-indulgent but you do have the good graces to notice that these are shortcomings. There are times in our lives when we must will ourselves to become a better person. Fake it 'till you make it. (Or hire a maid.)
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    Jun 25, 2014 5:49 PM GMT
    I hate cleaning so much, but it has to be done. Having a clean appartment makes it much more enjoyable to live in.
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    Jun 25, 2014 6:44 PM GMT
    Do not be too hard on yourself. People have their priorities -a career, fitness, a social life over other areas.

    It is just about time management. Learn to manage your time and set aside some time to do things such as laundry, house cleaning usually on your days off.

    As far as dating goes you want someone who is going to be comfortable with you as you are. You want to make a good impression but you can't be perfection all the time.
  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 713

    Jun 26, 2014 3:38 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidBe yourself, let your date see who you are, how you live and be honest about it.


    Even the violent gay porn drawing part? I was sort of hoping to fake it til I make it, like in time either I'll run out of ideas to draw, or my work and social life will eventually leave me no time to continue this hobby...

    I also love being fresh out of shower and wearing really comfortable rags... of course I look like hell during my me-time.
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    Jun 26, 2014 3:41 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidAt 24, it is time you grow up. Most guys are slobs in college and briefly beyond. But that should end about your age. You are being childishly self-indulgent but you do have the good graces to notice that these are shortcomings. There are times in our lives when we must will ourselves to become a better person. Fake it 'till you make it. (Or hire a maid.)

    +1

    One of the smartest and most insightful posts I've read here in months.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 26, 2014 3:44 AM GMT
    You sound like 80% of America ... enjoy being you
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    Jun 26, 2014 8:33 AM GMT
    Well for one... it's played to hell on the radio and the techno edition sucks, but this reminds me of that John Legend song... "Love your curves and all your edges... all your perfect imperfections" - finding love is finding someone who feels that way about you, not someone who only loves you under certain circumstances. That's love versus a negotiable agreement.

    I've been on a lot of dates; I've dated a lot of guys. Some would scowl and scoff at the fact that I love video games. Initially, I would think "hmm, maybe they're right; maybe I should be doing something more productive with my free time". Took up a bunch of other stupid hobbies - and quickly quit doing them soon thereafter. It's the dates that I have went on and have received the reassuring "Oh sweet! Which games? Which consoles!?" follow-up that made me realize that this is my individuality and that's totally okay with certain people (and in fact, even embraced by some); this is who I am, I like video games and I shouldn't have to pretend not to for someone that can't comprehend or accept that. Most of the time, the same holds true for other traits and characteristics that we have. There's a profound sense of comfort you get next to a guy when you can freely speak your mind, tell your "off-color" jokes to, sing-along (like jack-asses) to songs on the radio with, lock eye contact and have 100% open discussions with that validates your human experience and completely makes you feel no shame in the world for being alive.

    Of course, maybe you could be more tidier. Maybe you could spend less time on gay online forums or draw less violent gay porn sketches. There's always room for change or improvement; there's always going to be something better that you could be doing. We all have our faults - and those perfect guys that flit and glitter around their porcelain apartments and their porcelain lives may be fooling others but they aren't fooling me. We've all got our vices and we're all human; welcome to reality.

    So let your hair down, I say. You might think that you look atrocious that way but I'm sure there is someone out there that will love the way you look, inside and out. The porno stuff might have to wait to the latter stages... but idk if it's just me or what but I'm 10x more into a guy if I know he has a kinky fetish as such; when he's opened up enough to tell me stuff like that, he's got my attention more than ever. Usually.
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    Jun 26, 2014 10:45 AM GMT
    Rolfron said... There's a profound sense of comfort you get next to a guy ... that validates your human experience and completely makes you feel no shame in the world for being alive...


    Comfort and freedom! Wonderful post.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Jun 26, 2014 12:03 PM GMT
    If you want someone like you, you will never be able to see your other lesser but important flaws, and flaws we all have!! regardless how good it feels, how comfortable you are with yourself, and the feeling of freedom of just being able to be yourself; all these senses of being in the long run will NOT help you become a better person! the sharing and sacrificing that comes along with being with someone else will expand your human experience to new levels of knowledge. Knowledge is power!!
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    Jun 26, 2014 4:42 PM GMT
    theonewhoknocks said
    eb925guy saidBe yourself, let your date see who you are, how you live and be honest about it.


    Even the violent gay porn drawing part? I was sort of hoping to fake it til I make it, like in time either I'll run out of ideas to draw, or my work and social life will eventually leave me no time to continue this hobby...

    I also love being fresh out of shower and wearing really comfortable rags... of course I look like hell during my me-time.

    I wouldn't say that you need to leave it out on the coffee table for the first date but when the conversation comes up about what you did or do or enjoy doing and you mention drawing, include some of them with other (non sexual or non violent) when showing. Gauge the reaction but understand yourself why it is you're attracted to drawing like this because you're going to be asked and you need to be comfortable with your own reasons first.
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    Jun 26, 2014 6:51 PM GMT
    theonewhoknocks said ... I had a guy over from Friday night to Sunday night... I was exhausted not from the sex, but from the dancing around just to keep up appearances. I had to send him on an errand just so I can secretly shower and "reset" my look ...
    you put too much effort into "the look". Try more a sustainable level; do the "average look" most of the time and dress to kill for the special things.

  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 713

    Aug 31, 2014 6:14 AM GMT
    ^^Just remembered this thread... Actually I'm not particularly "well-dressed" in the traditional sense. I dress very casually... I'm just very careful about giving the appearance that I don't give a shit, yet somehow look amazing "naturally" lol