Self Absorbed Friends

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    Jun 29, 2014 6:09 PM GMT
    Hey guys

    How do you all handle friends who are in your opinion so self focused and rarely give back in any way, or reciprocate? I'm trying to rebuild my social circle and while I totally know I'm a good friend to others I am finding it very draining to deal with people who seem to be like emotional vampires . And ironically many of the time it's gay men . I want to develop gay friendships because I'm aware that no relationship can fill ones needs , but it's still driving mad that many gay men seem very incapable of being good friends .
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    Jun 29, 2014 6:20 PM GMT
    I normally just cut them off. Toxic friends are worse than enemies.
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    Jun 29, 2014 6:27 PM GMT
    Not true. I have more than my share of str8 friends who enjoy being showboats. Nothing personal, Blake, but I get a little tired of being bashed. At least buy me a drink first.
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    Jun 29, 2014 6:29 PM GMT
    BlakeA saidHey guys

    How do you all handle friends who are in your opinion so self focused and rarely give back in any way, or reciprocate?
    I tie them up and molesterbate them. icon_twisted.gif
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    Jun 29, 2014 6:31 PM GMT
    I had trouble in this department too. But yeah, you normally just stop talking to them, ignore them and make new friends. I had some pretty good straight friends, gay ones, not so much except for like 1 or 2 really close ones.
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    Jun 29, 2014 6:34 PM GMT
    weirdo22 saidI normally just cut them off. Toxic friends are worse than enemies.

    +1

    But good gay friends do exist. In fact, it's been charitable gay men who've gotten me through some very difficult personal times in my life. It's a reason I love our gay "community", because it always looks after me, when I've been in need. And I try to return that favor.

    If the OP doesn't have those kinds of gay friends then I think he has the wrong friends. Understood, he lives in the UK, not in the US where I am. But I can't believe gay men are different across the ocean.

    "...it's still driving [me] mad that many gay men seem very incapable of being good friends."


    My very best friends are gay. I do not understand this disparity. Again, I have to think the OP has gotten in with a bad crowd, and needs to look elsewhere.
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    Jun 29, 2014 6:42 PM GMT
    I can only take responsibility for myself , I think I possibly attract people who are this way. I WISH I knew where to find gay mates who had a more equal point of view. I'm a caring giving person and make massive efforts for others but I really think I give too much, and that's my fault .
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    Jun 29, 2014 6:47 PM GMT
    Consider what profession you are in, Blake. Theatrical types...icon_evil.gif grrr....they're the worst..but they do throw great parties!icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 29, 2014 6:54 PM GMT
    BlakeA saidI can only take responsibility for myself , I think I possibly attract people who are this way. I WISH I knew where to find gay mates who had a more equal point of view. I'm a caring giving person and make massive efforts for others but I really think I give too much, and that's my fault .



    I tend to give far more than I receive also. It's a foolish cancer trait.

    I set out to make friends and everyone one is on their own life course. Some have more drama than others or issues that seem to demand a stable ear.

    Just give what you can, talk and listen. Just keep your guard up a little more and keep trying. Eventually, you make a good connect. Not easy, but you will!


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    Jun 29, 2014 7:08 PM GMT
    @ Bon Pan: the irony is that these aren't theatrical people . But I had a friend this week who is a theatrical who asked me how I was and he just launches into the movie that he's doing and the awards he will get blah blah ... I have no time for narcissism . It wears me out .

    @2B Naked: I think it's a Pisces trait as well! I'm a compassionate person but all I need is someone going through a sob story and I find it hard to be tough at times .

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    Jun 29, 2014 7:24 PM GMT
    BlakeA said@ Bon Pan: the irony is that these aren't theatrical people . But I had a friend this week who is a theatrical who asked me how I was and he just launches into the movie that he's doing and the awards he will get blah blah ... I have no time for narcissism . It wears me out .

    @2B Naked: I think it's a Pisces trait as well! I'm a compassionate person but all I need is someone going through a sob story and I find it hard to be tough at times .



    Oh yes.....Pisces are great people and I get a long well with them. Know your people!!! lol
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    Jun 29, 2014 7:37 PM GMT
    BlakeA saidI can only take responsibility for myself , I think I possibly attract people who are this way. I WISH I knew where to find gay mates who had a more equal point of view. I'm a caring giving person and make massive efforts for others but I really think I give too much, and that's my fault .


    What are your expectations? Sort of vague. You could be seen as too needy, and overcompensating. Some will try to take advantage of that.....the WRONG kind.

    Give to the friends who deserve it, not before. Massive effort for real friends wouldn't seem that way! Of course be who you are, but temper it a bit, be kind and thoughtful...give later!
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    Jun 29, 2014 7:39 PM GMT
    A couple of sarcastic comments here and there always does the trick.

    I'm dealing with this right now. I've known this guy since around December. He only seems to talk about himself, never visits me etc.
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    Jun 29, 2014 7:47 PM GMT
    Unfortunately you have to accept them for who they are. They have their own insecurities, are self absorbed or caught up in their own issues.

    Meeting people who join clubs, are involved in community organizations and who volunteer their time may be a way to meet like minded people.
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    Jun 29, 2014 7:54 PM GMT
    All of you are giving some utterly brilliant thoughts . Thank you very much .
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    Jun 29, 2014 7:55 PM GMT
    unckabasa said
    BlakeA saidI can only take responsibility for myself , I think I possibly attract people who are this way. I WISH I knew where to find gay mates who had a more equal point of view. I'm a caring giving person and make massive efforts for others but I really think I give too much, and that's my fault .


    What are your expectations? Sort of vague. You could be seen as too needy, and overcompensating. Some will try to take advantage of that.....the WRONG kind.

    Give to the friends who deserve it, not before. Massive effort for real friends wouldn't seem that way! Of course be who you are, but temper it a bit, be kind and thoughtful...give later!


    This is utterly the truth and where my mistake has been made
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    Jun 29, 2014 7:57 PM GMT
    As I get older, it gets harder to meet/make quality friendships. Couples exist in their own world, and singles are about keeping up appearances. And it's not just a gay thing. It happens with straight people too.

    My advice is to seek out people that have very similar interests/hobbies as yours. Join a social club or do volunteer work or something. Don't bother with trying to meet guys online. It's just not the best way to meet people unless you're just looking to get laid.
  • AMoonHawk

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    Jun 29, 2014 8:03 PM GMT
    Are they friends, or just aquaintences? Friends treat each other with respect, aquaintences are just fun buds to hang with once in a while.
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    Jun 29, 2014 8:23 PM GMT
    BlakeA saidHey guys

    How do you all handle friends who are in your opinion so self focused and rarely give back in any way, or reciprocate? I'm trying to rebuild my social circle and while I totally know I'm a good friend to others I am finding it very draining to deal with people who seem to be like emotional vampires . And ironically many of the time it's gay men . I want to develop gay friendships because I'm aware that no relationship can fill ones needs , but it's still driving mad that many gay men seem very incapable of being good friends .
    I'm having this problem with my "closest" friend right now. I'm ridiculously loyal to him and do more for him than anyone ever has, but he has major issues with pushing away people he's close to and hurting people. Something he admits, but continues to do.

    Everyone says I should get rid of him, but I love him too much. Which is a big part of our issue.

    Ironically, we work in theatre together. Yeah, theatre people are crazy.
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    Jun 29, 2014 8:31 PM GMT
    Fiyero27 said
    BlakeA saidHey guys

    How do you all handle friends who are in your opinion so self focused and rarely give back in any way, or reciprocate? I'm trying to rebuild my social circle and while I totally know I'm a good friend to others I am finding it very draining to deal with people who seem to be like emotional vampires . And ironically many of the time it's gay men . I want to develop gay friendships because I'm aware that no relationship can fill ones needs , but it's still driving mad that many gay men seem very incapable of being good friends .
    I'm having this problem with my "closest" friend right now. I'm ridiculously loyal to him and do more for him than anyone ever has, but he has major issues with pushing away people he's close to and hurting people. Something he admits, but continues to do.

    Everyone says I should get rid of him, but I love him too much. Which is a big part of our issue.

    Ironically, we work in theatre together. Yeah, theatre people are crazy.



    OMG he's in love with you! icon_eek.gif
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    Jun 29, 2014 8:50 PM GMT
    Doesn't it make you tired???
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    Jun 29, 2014 8:50 PM GMT
    unckabasa said
    Fiyero27 said
    BlakeA saidHey guys

    How do you all handle friends who are in your opinion so self focused and rarely give back in any way, or reciprocate? I'm trying to rebuild my social circle and while I totally know I'm a good friend to others I am finding it very draining to deal with people who seem to be like emotional vampires . And ironically many of the time it's gay men . I want to develop gay friendships because I'm aware that no relationship can fill ones needs , but it's still driving mad that many gay men seem very incapable of being good friends .
    I'm having this problem with my "closest" friend right now. I'm ridiculously loyal to him and do more for him than anyone ever has, but he has major issues with pushing away people he's close to and hurting people. Something he admits, but continues to do.

    Everyone says I should get rid of him, but I love him too much. Which is a big part of our issue.

    Ironically, we work in theatre together. Yeah, theatre people are crazy.



    OMG he's in love with you! icon_eek.gif
    What do you mean? He's not gay.
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    Jun 29, 2014 8:52 PM GMT
    Fiyero27 said
    unckabasa said
    Fiyero27 said
    BlakeA saidHey guys

    How do you all handle friends who are in your opinion so self focused and rarely give back in any way, or reciprocate? I'm trying to rebuild my social circle and while I totally know I'm a good friend to others I am finding it very draining to deal with people who seem to be like emotional vampires . And ironically many of the time it's gay men . I want to develop gay friendships because I'm aware that no relationship can fill ones needs , but it's still driving mad that many gay men seem very incapable of being good friends .
    I'm having this problem with my "closest" friend right now. I'm ridiculously loyal to him and do more for him than anyone ever has, but he has major issues with pushing away people he's close to and hurting people. Something he admits, but continues to do.

    Everyone says I should get rid of him, but I love him too much. Which is a big part of our issue.

    Ironically, we work in theatre together. Yeah, theatre people are crazy.



    OMG he's in love with you! icon_eek.gif
    What do you mean? He's not gay.
    Bullshit he's not. That's why he subconsciously pushes away those he loves. He's in full denial.
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    Jun 29, 2014 9:17 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Fiyero27 said
    unckabasa said
    Fiyero27 said
    BlakeA saidHey guys

    How do you all handle friends who are in your opinion so self focused and rarely give back in any way, or reciprocate? I'm trying to rebuild my social circle and while I totally know I'm a good friend to others I am finding it very draining to deal with people who seem to be like emotional vampires . And ironically many of the time it's gay men . I want to develop gay friendships because I'm aware that no relationship can fill ones needs , but it's still driving mad that many gay men seem very incapable of being good friends .
    I'm having this problem with my "closest" friend right now. I'm ridiculously loyal to him and do more for him than anyone ever has, but he has major issues with pushing away people he's close to and hurting people. Something he admits, but continues to do.

    Everyone says I should get rid of him, but I love him too much. Which is a big part of our issue.

    Ironically, we work in theatre together. Yeah, theatre people are crazy.



    OMG he's in love with you! icon_eek.gif
    What do you mean? He's not gay.
    Bullshit he's not. That's why he subconsciously pushes away those he loves. He's in full denial.
    I don't want to derail Blake's thread with my own "self-absorbed friend" drama, but people have questioned whether he's gay or bisexual because of how he acts with gay guys. Super flirty. And he goes beyond what your typical straight guy would do with me more so than anyone (hugs, goodnight kisses, sweet dreams/good night text messages, bunch of sleepovers, a couple of which we shared the same bed, we were planning a trip to Europe together, he was in the hospital recently and i was one of the first people he called to take him there, etc.)

    But most of his super affectionate behavior came after his marriage ended. Now, he's with a new girlfriend which will probably result in marriage and he barely talks to me anymore. In fact, our fighting/falling out happened after he got out of the hospital when he told me "he will always love me, but he can't be in love with me." And I called him out on treating me crappy and being self-absorbed.

    But he loves women and he's in a serious relationship with a girl now and all the affectionate behavior between us has stopped. So I doubt he's in denial.

    Anyway, sorry to derail Blake, but yes, it's extremely tiring. I've been very sick the past 3 weeks over the stress.
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    Jun 29, 2014 9:26 PM GMT
    Sorry Fiyero- he may be bisexual but I agree with PaulFlexes. He is in full Denial and you being around is reminding him of what he is repressing .