How do gay relationships typically begin? (trite, I know..)

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    Jul 06, 2014 7:23 AM GMT
    ...I'm just curio because what I've learned in this past week has somewhat reminded me that perhaps, I don't have all the answers.

    Last night, I went to a house party. Now, even though this was a 'house' party, it was pretty much all the people who go out to the bars anyway. There's 2 guys that I know OF...and both of these guys I've seen in the past with other guys. As in, in a relationship or dating (One who happened to even been dating a guy I hooked up with, who was also my former best friend's ex). Long story short, these 2 guys who didn't know each other before the party, suddenly began introducing themselves as 'boyfriends' by the end of the night. And thus, a gay relationship germinates.

    But, I met a guy on Grindr the other night...and I thought he was visiting because he was at a hotel. So, I was horny and just decided to go over. He was like perfect in so many ways (same age, cute as fuck, likes pets, gave bomb ass head) But turns out, he's in the process of moving HERE. So now, I'm kinda wondering if by hooking up, I (we) just compromised the chance to build something steady (or did I???).

    But then, 99% of guys out there always say, "I'm not ready for a relationship...I just got out of one". Well what the goddamn fuck then? Who gives a fuck? Move on. I understand that's hard to do when you're a kid in your teens, or if you're in your golden years/middle aged and been with someone a large part of your life...but I'm talking about guys in their mid 20s saying this stuff, over a 1-3 year relationship that they needed to move on from anyway. Why stew in anger, resentment and sorrow for so long, when there's lots of eligible bachelors out there? And if all these guys aren't "ready for a relationship", then how the hell are they always getting into one?

    So now I'm just like, what the fuck??? How do these 'boyfriends' meet? People always talk shit about meeting in a club or online/apps...but fuck, seems like that's how people get together. The issue seems to be, it never works out. But, it's not until it doesn't work out, that people bash it. But how does one know if it's the venue, or if it's just the person? Or maybe the approach (moving too fast, putting intimacy before the emotional, etc)

  • phildec159

    Posts: 32

    Jul 06, 2014 7:41 AM GMT
    I've had three relationships so far, still with my third one and they all started online. For me, I do move fast i guess because I am a horn dog and it also helps me to see if we have that chemistry in the bedroom. Even though sex isn't the only thing I look for in a relationship, I'd be lying if I said it didn't matter. I'm sure i could fall in love with just about anyone, I do have a rather accommodating personality, but if there isn't that sexual chemistry, I wouldn't be completely satisfied in the relationship. But that doesn't mean that I'll put up with an asshole just because he has some good dick lol.
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    Jul 06, 2014 8:02 AM GMT
    phildec159 said For me, I do move fast i guess because I am a horn dog and it also helps me to see if we have that chemistry in the bedroom. Even though sex isn't the only thing I look for in a relationship, I'd be lying if I said it didn't matter. I'm sure i could fall in love with just about anyone, I do have a rather accommodating personality, but if there isn't that sexual chemistry, I wouldn't be completely satisfied in the relationship. But that doesn't mean that I'll put up with an asshole just because he has some good dick lol.


    Good answer. I'm starting to feel the same way. In some ways, I do like the idea of waiting for awhile (1-3 months) to have sex, but doesn't seem like anyone can wait that long these days lol. More like 1-3 DATES. I mean, maybe some parts of the sex can wait, but it's still good to get some release. Especially since there's many men out there that will string someone along without having sex...and unlike my stupid ass fake bullshit relationship/roommate BULLCRAP I have going on, I try to avoid relationships where a person withholds sex to gain control. When a person doesn't give up sex, most people automatically assume the person is either not interested, or playing games...and thus they get discarded, crushed, and recycled.
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    Jul 06, 2014 1:19 PM GMT
    the ending is.... never forever
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    Jul 06, 2014 1:26 PM GMT
    Post pics of you when you look like crap, bedhead, etc on your website (not grindr) date site. Write a 3 page description of what you are about, your hopes and fears and experience to date as far as guys go. Make it long to weed out the hookups. Write what you realistically expect, and what you realistically offer. Say you are willing to fuck on the second date because sex is important, and how often you expect sex based on your schedule in a relationship, and what kind. The other interests you have scheduled, and the kinds of friends you bring to the deal. Make everything realistic as possible that you can sustain after the initial gushing period. Tell about your horrible snoring, your farting, etc. Make it seem real. A nice guy will find you. When you are done that, go find giys who wrote the same and ASK them out. 99% of guys expect others to make the first move. If it helps, find a niceish guy and make the first line be "ive been reading your profile a lot and you might be out of my league, but could we maybe ....(stuff in profile). Then show up all hot above his expectations.
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Jul 06, 2014 1:33 PM GMT
    I feel I could weigh in on this since I am a twenty something that got out of a 2 year relationship 6 months ago. Do not be too quick to judge regarding those twenty somethings that just got out of a relationship and are not ready for a new thing. There are a few things that going into not jumping into another relationship.

    1) "Serial monogamist" is more or less the same thing as a bar fly. They go from relationship to relationship because they cannot bear the thought of being on their own. After 2 weeks after breaking up he moved in and began to date some other guy. (you do not want someone like that.) If you continually do this, you will be labeled that and it's a black flag in my opinion.

    2) The new sense of freedom. After my relationship ended, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted when I wanted. Why would I want to give that up so soon?

    3) Just because it's a 2 year relationship and I am a twenty something does not make me less human. I go through the grieving process just like you. I have my own wounds to heal.

    Also to your other statement about if you ruined your chances at a relationship after hooking up? Not at all. When I was in high school I met my first boyfriend at a college party who took my virginity and we ended dating for a couple years thereafter.
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    Jul 06, 2014 1:59 PM GMT
    Ive been seeing this guy since last September. It was a hookup. Supposed to be a one night stand except I left my shoes at his place and had to go back and get them.
    I didn't leave barefoot, I came over from the gym. We showered together and talked for awhile then I changed and left. He called me later and I went back the next day. And again two days after that. That weekend I had him over for dinner.
    So to the OP, you haven't ruined your chances. Offer to show him around when he gets there to your favorite parts of the city.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Jul 06, 2014 2:32 PM GMT
    I believe you've answered your own question.
  • B27E

    Posts: 2

    Jul 06, 2014 2:59 PM GMT
    I hope everyone finds his life partner in some way. -If they want one, of course. My experience is that there is no correlation between being a very hot and sexy man and a good life partner. Okay, appearance is important for the very first contact. "Appearance" is not necessarily physical attraction. It might be a pair of beautiful and intelligent eyes. Sex is important for the next three weeks. The rest of life is 98% everyday life and 2% party. The 98% is the most important parameter in a lifelong relationship. I have been together with my man for almost 40 yrs, and we are officially married (a full legal marriage. In EU) with all rights/duties that comes with a marriage. How did we find each other? We met at an ordinary home New Year's Eve party at a friend's place. We did not even think of sex the first day. We harmonized at an intellectual, social and emotional level. We lived in separate countries for 1.5 yrs (finalizing our degrees). The we moved together in Sweden 1976. That's it...
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    Jul 06, 2014 3:37 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    ...these 2 guys who didn't know each other before the party, suddenly began introducing themselves as 'boyfriends' by the end of the night. And thus, a gay relationship germinates.

    People always talk shit about meeting in a club or online/apps...but fuck, seems like that's how people get together. The issue seems to be, it never works out. But, it's not until it doesn't work out, that people bash it. But how does one know if it's the venue, or if it's just the person? Or maybe the approach (moving too fast, putting intimacy before the emotional, etc)

    The venue is nothing more than the vehicle, a means to an end. It's true you might expect to meet more of one type of guy than others at certain kinds of venues, but it's not written in stone. You could meet a "Keeper" anywhere. I always thought the trick was to rack up numbers of contacts. If you've ever been in business, it's very similar to networking, and that's how I always approached it.

    A Keeper is 1 in 100, maybe even 200 for what you want. Your odds in finding him by meeting 25 or even 50 guys aren't great. The trick is in the numbers, working the odds, or so I maintain.

    One of my patented true stories: I went to a private Seattle house party. I arrived by motorcycle, all leather clad. My best friend, whose house warming this was with his new partner, pointed out to me a guest he thought was also a motorcyclist.

    I approached him, and he confirmed he had ridden a bike, but it wasn't running now. Turned out it was the exact same model as my previous motorcycle, I knew it very well. I offered to look to look at it, see what I could learn about the problem. The rest of the night we talked bikes and got to know each other.

    A week later I was at his house with some tools. I got his bike running, first time in nearly a year. He was delighted. Then we had sex (my reward?). We made plans for some rides together.

    Which we did, mostly on the Olympic Peninsula. And then we went camping in my trailer. We became BFs.

    But he was very conflicted about his sexuality, and after about 8 months quit his Microsoft job and moved to California, trying to turn himself straight. I hope I don't have that effect on guys. icon_eek.gif

    Anyway, that was a heartbreaker. But I bounced back, and dated again. I know that we'll have many false starts, before our Keeper comes along. That's how it works. The trick is to keep starting. And learn from any mistakes we realize we've made along the way.
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    Jul 06, 2014 3:44 PM GMT
    Art_Deco saidThe venue is nothing more than the vehicle, a means to an end. It's true you might expect to meet more of one type of guy than others at certain kinds of venues, but it's not written in stone. You could meet a "Keeper" anywhere. I always thought the trick was to rack up numbers of contacts. If you've ever been in business, it's very similar to networking, and that's how I always approached it.

    A Keeper is 1 in 100, maybe even 200 for what you want. Your odds in finding him by meeting 25 or even 50 guys aren't great. The trick is in the numbers, working the odds, or so I maintain.


    i agree with that. if there's 'someone out there' for everyone (and that seems reasonable), your one job is to find him. you can't do that if you aren't meeting people. and he might be on grindr or he might be on match.com. you just never know..

    which is why i tell people to focus on making new friends vs. obsessing about not having The One. the first is a positive experience, the second dreadful.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jul 06, 2014 5:03 PM GMT
    Apparition saidPost pics of you when you look like crap, bedhead, etc on your website (not grindr) date site. Write a 3 page description of what you are about, your hopes and fears and experience to date as far as guys go. Make it long to weed out the hookups. Write what you realistically expect, and what you realistically offer. Say you are willing to fuck on the second date because sex is important, and how often you expect sex based on your schedule in a relationship, and what kind. The other interests you have scheduled, and the kinds of friends you bring to the deal. Make everything realistic as possible that you can sustain after the initial gushing period. Tell about your horrible snoring, your farting, etc. Make it seem real. A nice guy will find you. When you are done that, go find giys who wrote the same and ASK them out. 99% of guys expect others to make the first move. If it helps, find a niceish guy and make the first line be "ive been reading your profile a lot and you might be out of my league, but could we maybe ....(stuff in profile). Then show up all hot above his expectations.


    this guy knows what to do
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    Jul 06, 2014 7:13 PM GMT
    you are in an "open relationship", per your profile?
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    Jul 06, 2014 7:55 PM GMT
    JackBoneTX said
    Art_Deco said
    A Keeper is 1 in 100, maybe even 200 for what you want. Your odds in finding him by meeting only 25 or even 50 guys aren't great. The trick is in the numbers, working the odds, or so I maintain.

    i agree with that. if there's 'someone out there' for everyone (and that seems reasonable), your one job is to find him. you can't do that if you aren't meeting people. and he might be on grindr or he might be on match.com. you just never know..

    which is why i tell people to focus on making new friends vs. obsessing about not having The One. the first is a positive experience, the second dreadful.

    Yeah. Guys who go out thinking this is the night I'm gonna might my BF or partner are almost always gonna be let down.

    I went out, first and foremost, to have a good time, right now. If I did that, heard good music, danced some, I was never disappointed. Because that's all I was expecting, nothing more. I could go home alone but still happy.

    If I met a nice guy, great. If we went off to his place or mine, even better. But that didn't mean either of us thought we were each other's life's partner. It was just an introduction. Where it would go I'd have no idea.

    And that happened again & again, as I hoped (always safe sex, BTW). And among all these tricks I found a few Keepers. Some I kept longer than others. But you can't find anybody if you don't "work the room".

    I know, sounds slutty, but isn't that what straight guys do with women? You don't marry the first guy who goes to bed with you, do you? And if you wanna pick the right guy, you sample the biggest base you can, agreed?
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    Jul 06, 2014 8:11 PM GMT
    Apparition saidPost pics of you when you look like crap, bedhead, etc on your website (not grindr) date site. Write a 3 page description of what you are about, your hopes and fears and experience to date as far as guys go. Make it long to weed out the hookups. Write what you realistically expect, and what you realistically offer. Say you are willing to fuck on the second date because sex is important, and how often you expect sex based on your schedule in a relationship, and what kind. The other interests you have scheduled, and the kinds of friends you bring to the deal. Make everything realistic as possible that you can sustain after the initial gushing period. Tell about your horrible snoring, your farting, etc. Make it seem real. A nice guy will find you. When you are done that, go find giys who wrote the same and ASK them out. 99% of guys expect others to make the first move. If it helps, find a niceish guy and make the first line be "ive been reading your profile a lot and you might be out of my league, but could we maybe ....(stuff in profile). Then show up all hot above his expectations.



    Makes a lot of sense. I am looking for that kind of relationship myself. I like rough contact a lot, and for most guys seeing that, they either run in the opposite direction, or ask a hundred freaking questions and then run away, or worse, won't even take the next step. It's so frustrating. I am a good guy and a reasonable person, so what gives?
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    Jul 06, 2014 8:12 PM GMT
    Not to mention I am an honest person, too.
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    Jul 06, 2014 8:41 PM GMT
    tbakes18 saidI feel I could weigh in on this since I am a twenty something that got out of a 2 year relationship 6 months ago. Do not be too quick to judge regarding those twenty somethings that just got out of a relationship and are not ready for a new thing. There are a few things that going into not jumping into another relationship.

    1) "Serial monogamist" is more or less the same thing as a bar fly. They go from relationship to relationship because they cannot bear the thought of being on their own. After 2 weeks after breaking up he moved in and began to date some other guy. (you do not want someone like that.) If you continually do this, you will be labeled that and it's a black flag in my opinion.

    2) The new sense of freedom. After my relationship ended, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted when I wanted. Why would I want to give that up so soon?

    3) Just because it's a 2 year relationship and I am a twenty something does not make me less human. I go through the grieving process just like you. I have my own wounds to heal.

    Also to your other statement about if you ruined your chances at a relationship after hooking up? Not at all. When I was in high school I met my first boyfriend at a college party who took my virginity and we ended dating for a couple years thereafter.



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    Jul 06, 2014 8:57 PM GMT
    Why does the OP always sound so angry? icon_confused.gif
  • mrbill319742

    Posts: 2

    Jul 06, 2014 9:12 PM GMT
    @ 73 Ive been relationships @ different times I still love the both of them, but they really just want me, because according to them I really no how to pound a nice tite butticon_cool.gif Muscle is what turns me on, ive been with competitive body builders, thatthink Im hot but dont pass 4 more than just inshape. what am I doing wrong?
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Jul 06, 2014 9:45 PM GMT
    Starting with a hookup is never ever good

    All my good gay friends and the one lil bf I had lol were never founded on a hookup

    So gay relationships should start like any other relationship. You meet, you date, you like each other mutually and move to the next stage. Unfortunately, it seems like that's too difficult for a lot of gay men to follow cuz they are caught up in excuses and self doubt, etc
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    Jul 06, 2014 9:55 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 saidBut then, 99% of guys out there always say, "I'm not ready for a relationship...I just got out of one". Well what the goddamn fuck then? Who gives a fuck? Move on. I understand that's hard to do when you're a kid in your teens, or if you're in your golden years/middle aged and been with someone a large part of your life...but I'm talking about guys in their mid 20s saying this stuff, over a 1-3 year relationship that they needed to move on from anyway. Why stew in anger, resentment and sorrow for so long, when there's lots of eligible bachelors out there? And if all these guys aren't "ready for a relationship", then how the hell are they always getting into one?


    I'm so sick of BS like this. I have dated a few great guys that I told I wanted to just go slow, because I was recently single. It doesn't mean something can't or won't happen, but my rebuttal question to that rant is....

    WTF is with all these gay men that NEED you to commit to them and tell them you want to try to build a life with them before you can even remember their last name???

    Why can't you just have fun together and see where it goes? If he's telling you he is not over his ex or still has anger issues and YOU'RE even into him enough to rant about this, whats wrong with YOU for being into a mess? And not all of us that don't want to jump back into a relationship are doing so out of anger or sorrow. Who are you to decide what is appropriate time for someone to have some fun being single?

    Or maybe they're just not that into you and thats what they're telling you. Either way, the problem is with you - stop trying to tell other people what is appropriate for them. If you don't like it, don't date them.
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    Jul 07, 2014 12:16 AM GMT
    Art_deco, I'm your fan! I don't think what you do is "slutty". What you do should be called "standard procedure". People here are so uptight about finding someone online or having sex before the 100th date. If you do any of that, oh, you must be a slut! If you are in the ball of seduction you better learn the dance.

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    Jul 07, 2014 12:44 AM GMT
    OnceUponATime said
    FuzzyPecs25 saidBut then, 99% of guys out there always say, "I'm not ready for a relationship...I just got out of one". Well what the goddamn fuck then? Who gives a fuck? Move on. I understand that's hard to do when you're a kid in your teens, or if you're in your golden years/middle aged and been with someone a large part of your life...but I'm talking about guys in their mid 20s saying this stuff, over a 1-3 year relationship that they needed to move on from anyway. Why stew in anger, resentment and sorrow for so long, when there's lots of eligible bachelors out there? And if all these guys aren't "ready for a relationship", then how the hell are they always getting into one?


    I'm so sick of BS like this. I have dated a few great guys that I told I wanted to just go slow, because I was recently single. It doesn't mean something can't or won't happen, but my rebuttal question to that rant is....

    WTF is with all these gay men that NEED you to commit to them and tell them you want to try to build a life with them before you can even remember their last name???

    Why can't you just have fun together and see where it goes? If he's telling you he is not over his ex or still has anger issues and YOU'RE even into him enough to rant about this, whats wrong with YOU for being into a mess? And not all of us that don't want to jump back into a relationship are doing so out of anger or sorrow. Who are you to decide what is appropriate time for someone to have some fun being single?

    Or maybe they're just not that into you and thats what they're telling you. Either way, the problem is with you - stop trying to tell other people what is appropriate for them. If you don't like it, don't date them.



    good solid points there.
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    Jul 07, 2014 1:15 AM GMT
    Bars, Online apps, dating sites are the most common. Because most gays are busy with work, other priorities?? I tried the gay LGBT center a while back, but most of those guys are like not really my type. And they're all for like different causes. First bf I had, we met at a club. The 2 guys after that, it was a combination of bars, online, mutual friends. But yeah, Most guys who complain about being single, deep down, they do want a boyfriend (I'm one of those) but I don't think they'd settle for anything less than their ideal *perfect* partner, whatever those requirements are (But I'm not seeking perfection, I'm just cautious I guess). Someone mentioned in the gay relationship *thread that most gays won't settle for less a perfect 10. Lol, true that. But yeah, Having bitter resentment emotions toward your fellow gays are not attractive at all and such a turn off.

    Another thing I learn, when guys are not into you. They may use an *excuse to kinda blow you off. So *I just got out of a relationship phase* is just an excuse phrase for saying **Hm, I'm not really into you buddy. You have to read between the lines sometimes.
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    Jul 07, 2014 2:07 PM GMT
    monogamy is a myth, forever is fantasy, and ltr's aren't exactly long...

    but I would still quote this:

    on monogamy,
    "You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you"

    on forever,
    "some infinities are larger than other infinities"

    on ltr,
    "you gave me forever within the numbered days, and i am forever grateful"

    #tfios #thefaultinourstars
    ~John Green