getting over 21 years

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 06, 2014 10:33 AM GMT
    After 21 years my partner walked out on me for someone else. It's been a month and the separation agreement is done, appropriate titles transferred etc.
    I am staying in the house.
    Question is how to move on from here?
    I go about my day, chores, work, cook dinner and still end up sitting in a chair thinking about him.
    He's done some pretty hurtful things involving money and I should probably hate him, but I don't.
    He's cut all means of communication, Facebook, blocked me on here and won't answer texts.
    So what does one do, does it just get easier with time?
  • Dystopia_

    Posts: 20

    Jul 06, 2014 11:41 AM GMT
    Can't imagine how that would feel. Sorry to hear that.

    What do you think about when you think of him? Is your brain still idealizing him and making up situations to justify his actions? If so, you need to stop. Thinking about him in general isn't healthy either. You need to change the channel if you cannot turn off the TV.

    Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to what you're going through. Just be sure to have someone trustworthy you can talk to about this in real life. The physical contact with a good friend does help. Other than that, force yourself to go on dates as soon as you get the chance. It might feel terrible getting ready for that date, but sometimes a fresh new handsome face and a compassionate smile can do wonders to what you're feeling inside. Really, give it a shot!
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    Jul 06, 2014 11:53 AM GMT
    Dystopia_ saidCan't imagine how that would feel. Sorry to hear that.

    What do you think about when you think of him? Is your brain still idealizing him and making up situations to justify his actions? If so, you need to stop. Thinking about him in general isn't healthy either. You need to change the channel if you cannot turn off the TV.


    Ya I guess I am and thinking he'll realize he's made a mistake and come home.
    Have to leave that premise.
    Didn't think it would be fair to someone else to meet them and bring this along.
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    Jul 06, 2014 12:35 PM GMT
    S60turbo saidAfter 21 years my partner walked out on me for someone else. It's been a month and the separation agreement is done, appropriate titles transferred etc.
    I am staying in the house.
    Question is how to move on from here?
    I go about my day, chores, work, cook dinner and still end up sitting in a chair thinking about him.
    He's done some pretty hurtful things involving money and I should probably hate him, but I don't.
    He's cut all means of communication, Facebook, blocked me on here and won't answer texts.
    So what does one do, does it just get easier with time?


    My suggestion is that you "move on" and find a way to enjoy this next chapter of your life.

    Recently, my Aunt, after 53 years of marriage to a man we thought we knew, divorced him. She has been going through a process of rediscovering herself and enjoying life free of the hurtful things he did to her with money, psychological control, and other things.

    When I am speaking with my aunt, I ask her about the wonderful new things she is doing with her life. I help her to focus forward, especially during those moments when she backslides and starts talking about "him". I remind her that he stole 53 years of her life, and ask if if she is going to continue to allow him to steal even a moment more? This seems to snap her back to the moment and back to the fabulousness of her new chapter. She thanks me when I do this. She's even "dating" again...at age 75.

    I suggest finding supportive friends and family who can do this for you. And, consider going to a therapist who might help you to connect with a group of other people who have had a similar experience to you. From my own experience, being in the company of others who have gone through what I've gone through helps me to gain strength and hope from their experience.

    Congratulations of getting this opportunity to really explore a whole new chapter of your life!
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    Jul 06, 2014 12:59 PM GMT
    Guess I just need a new perspective on things.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Jul 06, 2014 1:09 PM GMT
    First go shopping.
    Second go rip a few college kids a new one, trust me they will beg you in this town.
    Third go down to sizzle and see how god awful other gays are in this town so you feel better about being single.
    Change your status here.
    Build something that takes a few weeks like a deck.

    Take a useless class just to see other people.

    That will get you over the next month or so.
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    Jul 06, 2014 1:21 PM GMT
    Also, the gym. In addition to helping with depression, anxiety, anger, and other negative emotions, you'll get more energy, really toned and in your best shape.

    It helps with what Apparition suggested.

    Go live life with gusto and vigor! It's the best way to keep from dwelling on "him".
  • Dystopia_

    Posts: 20

    Jul 06, 2014 2:08 PM GMT
    S60turbo said
    Dystopia_ saidCan't imagine how that would feel. Sorry to hear that.

    What do you think about when you think of him? Is your brain still idealizing him and making up situations to justify his actions? If so, you need to stop. Thinking about him in general isn't healthy either. You need to change the channel if you cannot turn off the TV.


    Ya I guess I am and thinking he'll realize he's made a mistake and come home.
    Have to leave that premise.
    Didn't think it would be fair to someone else to meet them and bring this along.


    I went through something similar to that; idealizing someone. I also felt similarly about meeting someone new. However after only one date, I had an epiphany. This guy I just met online was nicer and friendlier to me than the guy I was idealizing ever was. After that, I just couldn't come up with excuses for him anymore and he was simply gone out of my head.

    Now I do realize you were together for a much longer time, but trust me you really do need an outside person of interest to fix your current ideas of what you deserve. Just go on a date and don't make it just about you or your sadness, and it would be completely fair to the other person. It's not like they are under any other pretenses.
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    Jul 06, 2014 4:52 PM GMT
    Apparition saidFirst go shopping.
    Second go rip a few college kids a new one, trust me they will beg you in this town.
    Third go down to sizzle and see how god awful other gays are in this town so you feel better about being single.
    Change your status here.
    Build something that takes a few weeks like a deck.

    Take a useless class just to see other people.

    That will get you over the next month or so.

    What is available in this town is one thing that really freaks me out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 06, 2014 10:51 PM GMT
    Apparition saidFirst go shopping.
    Second go rip a few college kids a new one, trust me they will beg you in this town.
    Third go down to sizzle and see how god awful other gays are in this town so you feel better about being single.
    Change your status here.
    Build something that takes a few weeks like a deck.

    Take a useless class just to see other people.

    That will get you over the next month or so.


    i like the action plan icon_smile.gif

    sorry @op, that sucks. it will get easier with time but you have to fill the space until then. keep your routine and maybe even revisit things you enjoy doing but haven't done in a while.

    don't cut yourself off socially. you still have things to offer someone, even if just friendship for now. i don't know how you'll chalk up the relationship or its loss in the future but there are other chapters to write in your life icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 07, 2014 10:35 AM GMT
    Wish it made more sense.........
    I had major surgery this year. He lost his job and had to take one that pays thirds what his old one didSo bad year and a bit.
    One night he just blurts out
    "Ive been having an affair for a month with a 37 year old (he's 46). "He lives in a rental and wants me to move in with him"
    I ask if he wants to go and he says yes. He takes nothing but personal effects and some of our sex toys.
    He gets progressively nastier as the days go buy to the point where he won't even answer a text at this point.
    A month later and today or tomorrow I go sign legal and everything will be in my name as he wanted.
    Just weird and completely out of character.
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    Jul 07, 2014 3:54 PM GMT
    JackBoneTX said...i don't know how you'll chalk up the relationship or its loss in the future but there are other chapters to write in your life


    For me it would be a complete loss--not even any capital carry forward benefits--because I'd never again be able to think of that person as anyone but the guy who at any time during what I thought was a loving relationship would have screwed me. My attitude would be fuck him, fuck that.

    My two 10-year buds had the decency to die. I don't know if I could have handled our relationship breaking up but I felt pretty certain that those two were there for life, well, hadn't only life gotten its way. We almost never fought about anything, so attuned to each other. I like to think that I only let that type of person that close to me so that I don't fear risking it again.

    But, only requiring such trust for my most intimate of intimates--not the sex, the closeness--I have had, during my mourning, no less, some of my closest friends betray what I and any of my other good friends and family would have thought lifelong friendships, two having had lasted 20 years each and one a lifetime up till then. So I know the pain people inflict very well.

    And this is why...
    theantijock said in this thread http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/3862930 that...being widowed is so very difficult because it breaks the pattern (the established neurological pathways) in our brains. It's physical. But at least we can make some sense of it, build new paths, because it is death. And this is why divorce is so horrifyingly disastrous for so many people. It both breaks the pattern and they can't make sense of it. The same thing with betrayals and traumas. These things which violate social contracts, commitments no longer honored, falsifying years of lives lived together.


    So to the OP's question "does it get easier with time?"

    Does a weight ever get lighter?

    The betrayals I experienced nearly devastated me entirely and I've had to work very hard for many years to come back to some semblance of myself. I'm not there yet but I'm getting closer. I might never arrive. This could be lifetime damage but I do work towards minimizing it as best I can.

    You might not be ready for this and I only heard the concept when I first heard this song. It's a tough concept, for me, at least--something I don't naturally relate to--but I think it rings utilitarian true. You might not be ready to hear it yet. But after your mind has struggled for a while maybe you'd revisit:

    "Leave all your love and your longing behind
    You can't carry it with you if you want to survive
    "




    S60turbo saidWish it made more sense.........Just weird and completely out of character.


    Out of character could indicate a mental break in that person, an event that allows for forgiveness. Or it could be that you never saw that person for who they are, but then you need to find a way to forgive yourself.

    My problem with my betrayers is that they did not act out of character when they treated me so disgustingly. I knew one had severe intimacy issues so became destructive towards our relationship when I fell into such deep mourning (I had a series of deaths to deal with then, it wasn't even just one but some of my closest loves). Another treated others like toilet paper but she was born into my life and I always said to other friends that I wouldn't take that shit from anyone but her. But then she became even more cruel than her usual disgusting self. And another friend had no friends. Never kept a single friend from anywhere in her life.

    So my betrayers were acting within their character. I was playing with vipers and I got bit as is their nature and so there's nothing there for me to forgive. I've searched for years for a reason to forgive them and I just don't have one. If you have a reason, hold onto it. I would imagine it helps to make things make sense.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jul 07, 2014 4:15 PM GMT
    A lot of good advice here. One other thing I might suggest is to move. Change apartments or the house you now own. Just start fresh with stuff that you like and maybe even buy some new things. Just think of it as a chapter that is now finished and you're starting a new one.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Jul 08, 2014 1:12 AM GMT
    S60turbo saidWish it made more sense.........
    I had major surgery this year. He lost his job and had to take one that pays thirds what his old one didSo bad year and a bit.
    One night he just blurts out
    "Ive been having an affair for a month with a 37 year old (he's 46). "He lives in a rental and wants me to move in with him"
    I ask if he wants to go and he says yes. He takes nothing but personal effects and some of our sex toys.
    He gets progressively nastier as the days go buy to the point where he won't even answer a text at this point.
    A month later and today or tomorrow I go sign legal and everything will be in my name as he wanted.
    Just weird and completely out of character.


    a couple years ago my 12 year said he wanted out. i just told him to give me 2 months notice and he was free to go. It was sad, but I didnt worry about it. We lived together, same bed and all for 3 months oct-jan, I helped him move. There was nothing to do about it, so i moved on. He left alone, not cheating (or he would be dead since we dont use condoms by then), so it was easier than your situation, but really, if you put your mind to it, you can just move on and find someone new in a year. I did. Now I get breakfast in bed every day and dont have to bottom at all. yay.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 08, 2014 1:28 AM GMT
    The first thing to do is sell the house an move to a new one ... starting a new life means letting go of the old one ... sorry it didn't work for you ... sometimes people grow apart
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2014 11:29 AM GMT
    Thanks for the input guys.
    The house is everything to me and I've designed and put a lot of work into it.
    I've began see it my home rather than ours.
    Today is the first day that I don't feel like a victim and almost all legal etc is done.
    A few more details and all will be in a position where I can just move on.

    thanks again everyone.