Where are the manly guys?

  • CuseOrange14

    Posts: 5

    Jul 08, 2014 8:24 AM GMT
    Hey guys, so this may be kinda random but I can't sleep and I'm bored so I'm just gonna jot down some stuff...see if it resonates with anyone. It may get kinda long, so no worries if you get tired of reading.

    I guess I should start by saying I live in a town where the selection of guys isn't really great. Which isn't to say there aren't cool guys here, they just aren't my type. I grew up in Colorado and decided to go to school in upstate NY, so I knew leaving CO would be a big culture change. But I guess I wasn't expecting the change in the men. I grew up around men who were rugged and masculine, who really connected with the outdoors and weren't afraid to get dirty. Climbing mountains, swimming in rivers, backpacking for days 50 miles from the nearest electrical outlet, chopping our own wood: these are the things I grew up loving and the things I am attracted to now. But I also learned that traits like honesty, compassion, generosity, strength, and character were important. I am made of those kinds of influences and I have a huge amount of respect for guys who align with my values. So I'm lookin for a guy who is athletic and masculine, sure, but also one who's a true man. Seems like most of what I get from apps and online are the duck face selfie kinda guys, which is fine for them but just not what I find attractive.

    One of the things that helped me "come out" a few years back was that my roommate at the time and one of my closest friends (who is a total bro, wrestler, gym rat, Jersey kinda guy) sat me down and basically had a whole convo with me about the fact that being gay didn't mean I had to sacrifice my masculinity. He helped me see that just because I liked dudes, that didn't make me less of a guy myself. Which was awesome, because I thought that since I was gay, but still fell on the masculine side of things, then there HAD to be other guys out there like me. So it gave me a lot of hope that I'd be able to find a stud that really fit my "type".

    But oh that has not been the case. I've had shit luck, which isn't me asking for pity, it's just saying that it has been incredibly hard to meet guys that I'm into. And it's even worse because being in college, I passed at least 15 guys a day on campus or in the gym that I would have gladly gone on a date with if they were gay. But seems like my type is straight guys, which sucks dick. Anyone else have issues with this or am I an exception to the rule?

    Now, I should take a second to state that I understand no one is perfect, and that I'm asking for a lot. But I guess I'm curious to know how much is too much to ask for? Is it unreasonable to hope for a guy like the one I describe?

    So what do you guys think? How do you describe manliness and where do you find gay men that match that description? I've been on all the apps and sites and that's been coming up bust.

    Which leads me to a side note of how do you find "masculine" guys without the help of apps and websites? They're kinda hard to find since you can't tell right away, so is there a secret I'm missing? I dunno.

    So yea, I guess that's my thoughts. There was a lot in there, so answer what you want.

    Also, I fully admit I'm not always right, so if you disagree with anything, please say it. I'm looking for this to be a conversation so all viewpoints are important.

    (Also, it's not my intent to offend anyone at all. Just because I'm attracted to one thing doesn't mean I hate or judge the other, so I hope it doesn't come across that way. I'm just throwing thoughts out there, seeing what comes back)
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    Jul 08, 2014 10:35 AM GMT
    I think you kind of answered all your own questions in your post. Masculine Gay guys do exist,and just blend into the crowd more. Your prob interacting with more of them then you think.
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    Jul 08, 2014 11:23 AM GMT
    first world problems
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    Jul 08, 2014 11:41 AM GMT
    CuseOrange14 said... I also learned that traits like honesty, compassion, generosity, strength, and character were important. I am made of those kinds of influences and I have a huge amount of respect for guys who align with my values. ...

    your not finding who you want; widen your criteria. whatever your partner brings to the table make sure the two of you add upto more than just 2.0
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    Jul 08, 2014 1:17 PM GMT
    Well I used to think i'm in the same boat as you, however in recent years, i've been going to a lot of LGBT activities, groups and what not and have across many guys who are just as manly as me or even moreso. These experiences have also thaught me to look beyond this. I still feel mainly attracted to more masculine guys and that will always be like that, but if you take the time to get to know someone (manly or not so much) and you start to appreciate them for who they are, you'll quickly notice that you can fall in love with them as well, even if they aren't a 100% masculine.

    I think just like appearance, masculinity is something you are attraced to, but in the end when you talk about love other things will become more important. So try to look beyond that first impression. It's true though that masculine guys most of the time have certain traits that you'll value highly (more fem guys can have them as well ofc) and look for as well in a relationship. So in the end you'll probably end up with a manly man anyway icon_cool.gif Hope it's clear what I mean, english isn't my native language.

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    Jul 08, 2014 1:40 PM GMT
    icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jul 08, 2014 1:46 PM GMT
    Truppensturm saidWell I used to think i'm in the same boat as you, however in recent years, i've been going to a lot of LGBT activities, groups and what not and have across many guys who are just as manly as me or even moreso. These experiences have also thaught me to look beyond this. I still feel mainly attracted to more masculine guys and that will always be like that, but if you take the time to get to know someone (manly or not so much) and you start to appreciate them for who they are, you'll quickly notice that you can fall in love with them as well, even if they aren't a 100% masculine.

    I think just like appearance, masculinity is something you are attraced to, but in the end when you talk about love other things will become more important. So try to look beyond that first impression. It's true though that masculine guys most of the time have certain traits that you'll value highly (more fem guys can have them as well ofc) and look for as well in a relationship. So in the end you'll probably end up with a manly man anyway icon_cool.gif Hope it's clear what I mean, english isn't my native language.



    Great Post, Truppenstorm.

    I think you've discovered that the more you interact in real life, you realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    What you are looking for is out there if you are willing to look.
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    Jul 08, 2014 2:13 PM GMT
    In my college years I let the frequently potential of "meeting someone" dictate my social schedule. If I had it to do again, I would have just done the stuff I enjoyed and spent time with decent people regardless of their sexuality, and my dating life probably would have been better. Instead I went to bars, because that is what I thought gay men did, and was bored a lot of the time, mostly hated the music, wasn't into most of the guys, and went home disappointed.

    Living where you do it is likely safe to be out and be yourself and I suspect you will discover you are not unique. I put the apps that are out there in the same category as bars; you're not likely to find anything that lasts (not that it can't happen... a few ppl were just talking about that in another thread).

    I wish there was something that worked like Grindr and Scruff but was not so focused on sex. I'm have a great relationship but we don't share 100% of the same interests and he works weekends a lot. It would be cool to know who is around without the assumption that if you're on there you are looking to hook up. As it is I won't be on there.
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    Jul 08, 2014 11:48 PM GMT
    Syracuse??
    Yeah, you're screwed.

    I'll pile on to what Truppensturm stated; in that, what you find most attractive dose not always translate to romantic relationship.
    I hate to "hetero-normative" it, but how many women go hunting and rock climbing with their man?
    I'm not saying it's impossible, as I'm sure there are guy that make the masc-Alfa v masc-Alfa work; just didn't with me. It seamed the best you can be is friends with benefits or bro's--eventually someone has to do laundry.
  • CuseOrange14

    Posts: 5

    Jul 09, 2014 4:18 AM GMT
    Determinate said
    Truppensturm saidWell I used to think i'm in the same boat as you, however in recent years, i've been going to a lot of LGBT activities, groups and what not and have across many guys who are just as manly as me or even moreso. These experiences have also thaught me to look beyond this. I still feel mainly attracted to more masculine guys and that will always be like that, but if you take the time to get to know someone (manly or not so much) and you start to appreciate them for who they are, you'll quickly notice that you can fall in love with them as well, even if they aren't a 100% masculine.

    I think just like appearance, masculinity is something you are attraced to, but in the end when you talk about love other things will become more important. So try to look beyond that first impression. It's true though that masculine guys most of the time have certain traits that you'll value highly (more fem guys can have them as well ofc) and look for as well in a relationship. So in the end you'll probably end up with a manly man anyway icon_cool.gif Hope it's clear what I mean, english isn't my native language.



    Great Post, Truppenstorm.

    I think you've discovered that the more you interact in real life, you realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    What you are looking for is out there if you are willing to look.


    First, I appreciate the responses guys, thanks for taking this seriously. And Truppenstorm/determinate, I guess the only thing I would have to counter that is that my first (and last) relationship was with a guy that I wouldn't have really said was my type. He wasn't feminine per se, but he wasn't quite that rough and tumble man's man I would typically like. He was tall, which was great, and definitely on the slimmer side, which isn't normally my thing either. I like guys who have some meat on them. And I ended up being really attracted to who he was as a person rather than his masculinity or whatever. And I grew to love him for all of his great qualities.

    But over time I became less and less attracted to him because he lacked so many of the qualities I'm normally attracted to. And because of that, my sexual attraction to him just wasn't there at all, so I had a pretty big desire to seek that out elsewhere. Obviously, the relationship crashed and burned shortly after that.

    So while I agree that it's good to "look beyond the first impression" to a certain extent, we have "types" for a reason, because those are the things that we consciously and subconsciously long for.

    So where do we reconcile the two? How much of what we find attractive should we sacrifice before we run the risk of growing resentful? I guess I've always been told never to settle, which is great for straight people who have a billion options, but maybe the gay community is too small for that mantra? I dunno
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Jul 09, 2014 4:39 AM GMT
    Sounds like you want what you can't have...Those 15 guys you pass on the way to the gym are str8. I knew this guy who was gay. He'd go to str8 bars hoping a str8 got drunk enough to get sex from him. You aren't like him. I guess what I'm saying is str8 guys work hard at being str8. You work hard at just being yourself. Do this and you'll attract the same..Good Luck
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    Jul 09, 2014 5:48 AM GMT
    Looking for love in all the wrong places..
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    Jul 09, 2014 11:06 AM GMT
    CuseOrange14 said
    First, I appreciate the responses guys, thanks for taking this seriously. And Truppenstorm/determinate, I guess the only thing I would have to counter that is that my first (and last) relationship was with a guy that I wouldn't have really said was my type. He wasn't feminine per se, but he wasn't quite that rough and tumble man's man I would typically like. He was tall, which was great, and definitely on the slimmer side, which isn't normally my thing either. I like guys who have some meat on them. And I ended up being really attracted to who he was as a person rather than his masculinity or whatever. And I grew to love him for all of his great qualities.

    But over time I became less and less attracted to him because he lacked so many of the qualities I'm normally attracted to. And because of that, my sexual attraction to him just wasn't there at all, so I had a pretty big desire to seek that out elsewhere. Obviously, the relationship crashed and burned shortly after that.

    So while I agree that it's good to "look beyond the first impression" to a certain extent, we have "types" for a reason, because those are the things that we consciously and subconsciously long for.

    So where do we reconcile the two? How much of what we find attractive should we sacrifice before we run the risk of growing resentful? I guess I've always been told never to settle, which is great for straight people who have a billion options, but maybe the gay community is too small for that mantra? I dunno

    Despite what everyone and myself included already posted here, you just gotta follow your feeling/instinct. If you ain't feeling it, then on to the next. You'll know when the right guy is in front of you when you see him. If your heart isn't into it 100%, then don't do it, because you will grow resentful towards your partner and that's not doing anyone any good.

    Somewhat semi on-topic, but i've found out about myself that i'm not so much attracted by appearance, but much more by behavior. A guy who's manly by nature is sexy as fuck icon_cool.gif However you have others who try to force this behavior upon themselves and that becomes a huge turn-off or just funny.
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    Jul 09, 2014 1:12 PM GMT
    OP, To be clear, when I wrote

    " the more you interact in real life, you realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    What you are looking for is out there if you are willing to look."


    I am simply saying 'DON'T GIVE UP.'

    STOP thinking that you are the only masculine gay man out there, doomed to be alone.

    Focus on living in a way that excites you and brings you meaning. Someone to share it with will come along. Make sure your eyes are open when he does.
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    Jul 09, 2014 2:38 PM GMT
    CuseOrange14 saidWhere are the manly guys?
    Dude, we're gay. There's nothing manly about us, except the fact that we have dicks.
    trgay.gif
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    Jul 09, 2014 3:03 PM GMT
    I agree with your post 100%. There's a strange phenomenon that happens when many (not all) guys come out and start interacting with the bar scene; they start acting like girls. This is why I avoid the bar scene. Problem with the gay apps is they tend to be those same guys.

    It's sad that men have bought into the idea that they must turn into bitchy women to be attracted to other men. They have bought into the whole gender role thing hook line and sinker, and yet these same guys are the ones who go around bashing naturally masculine guys for buying into "gender roles", simply because they refuse to act like women.

    Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you and it seems it's only getting harder to find real gay men. Most masculine men want no part of that ridiculous scene, so they're driven into socializing in the straight world where they're completely invisible.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 09, 2014 4:21 PM GMT
    Plenty of guys here that fit your description. As I'm sure you've noticed. So why would you think you can't find one there? I personally don't know Syracuse but if you're there, it seems likely there are others like you. Especially in a college. It's never easy finding the right guy. Just keep doing things you like and you'll likely meet someone. Just don't hide that you're gay. One of those 15 guys may be gay and wondering the same thing as you.
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    Jul 09, 2014 4:35 PM GMT
    i really noticed over the past few months how MANY gay guys are asking for "masculine men." i don't know why i never noticed this before. is there really such a lack of masculinity in the community or is this a perception problem? it's like an obsession icon_eek.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 09, 2014 4:52 PM GMT
    JackBoneTX saidi really noticed over the past few months how MANY gay guys are asking for "masculine men." i don't know why i never noticed this before. is there really such a lack of masculinity in the community or is this a perception problem? it's like an obsession icon_eek.gif

    Makes perfect sense to me. I'm gay because I like guys. Not guys that look or act or talk like girls. I can't figure out why any gay guy would like a drag queen or even find it entertaining. Makes no sense to me at all.
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    Jul 09, 2014 5:39 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    CuseOrange14 saidWhere are the manly guys?
    Dude, we're gay. There's nothing manly about us, except the fact that we have dicks.
    trgay.gif

    Don't forget the beards and hairy chests.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jul 10, 2014 4:23 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidI agree with your post 100%. There's a strange phenomenon that happens when many (not all) guys come out and start interacting with the bar scene; they start acting like girls. This is why I avoid the bar scene. Problem with the gay apps is they tend to be those same guys.

    It's sad that men have bought into the idea that they must turn into bitchy women to be attracted to other men. They have bought into the whole gender role thing hook line and sinker, and yet these same guys are the ones who go around bashing naturally masculine guys for buying into "gender roles", simply because they refuse to act like women.

    Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you and it seems it's only getting harder to find real gay men. Most masculine men want no part of that ridiculous scene, so they're driven into socializing in the straight world where they're completely invisible.


    I know you said not all but just to share an opinion as I'm not a naturally masculine guy.

    When I came out, I was not in the bar scene at all and still am not. I don't care about getting drunk or getting high (drug scene). Those things never interested me and sure, in the whole time I've been out, I've only been to a gay club once. It was different but the music got on my nerves after awhile lol.

    Anyway, as someone who isn't naturally masculine, I've always been the way I was, even before I came out. I'm just being myself and I accepted that I'm not the most masculine thinking man around. I did try to fake it once and I felt shitty. I'd rather be me. And I'm sure about 35-50% of those guys who enter the scene are the same as me only they probably have been hiding how they were for so long. And no, I'm not "bitchy" or "rude" to masculine guys, I try to be nice to everyone and some masculine guys try to insult me so just throwing that out there. It's not always black & white on both sides.

    I do agree, gay men shouldn't feel they have to become a stereotype just to attract a man. It's not necessary at all. But some men are just more feminine than others.

    Destinharbor said Makes perfect sense to me. I'm gay because I like guys. Not guys that look or act or talk like girls. I can't figure out why any gay guy would like a drag queen or even find it entertaining. Makes no sense to me at all.


    Again, as someone who isn't a "man's man". Men are attracted to all sorts of things. Some of the more "masculine" perceived men who've thought I was attracted said that while they were not attracted to the female gender, some are drawn to feminine men because they feel they are more "sweet", "loving", and "not afraid to show their emotions". I'm not a drag queen so I don't know about them but I have a feeling these kinds of feelings could be applied to them too. At the end of the day, feminine men and gay/bisexual drag queen still have a dick and some even have a few masculine qualities of their own in terms of personality/interests.

    To the OP, it's not unreasonable wanting to find a masculine gay man. They DO exist and are just harder to find because they blend into society easily. So, for the 15 guys you mentioned, I bet one of them might be gay or bisexual. So you should never assume.

    Now, if you are looking for a mountain man type. You may have better luck in states that are more agricultural. So in a sense, location can play a part in finding the type of guys you like. But surely, there are masculine minded men in New York, you're in one of the meccas of gay population with different kinds of people so you may not be looking hard or...

    Maybe you're being too picky with the type of masculine. I've seen so many criteria for masculine men to meet in order to be a date and some can be daunting and heck, even a little unrealistic at times. What are traits YOU consider feminine or turn off?

    And some advice, just keep doing what you are doing. Keep working out at your gym, going to school, going out for social activities and keep an open mind. And remember, there are masculine gays out there. DON'T ASSUME YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE. IF anything, that kind of thinking can be a turn off to other men. So if you find yourself having fun with a guy (getting to know him and he seems to have the qualities you like), in this day and age, you have to take some risks. What I mean, if your instincts/gut tell you the guy might be gay, just politely ask. Even if he says he isn't, at least it's better that you know right?

    I hope this helps.

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    Jul 10, 2014 4:40 AM GMT
    @Bloodflame - Yeah, I certainly wasn't referring to you. You're not bitchy at all and it's obvious you're just naturally you, and that's a good thing.
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    Jul 10, 2014 5:06 AM GMT
    JackBoneTX saidi really noticed over the past few months how MANY gay guys are asking for "masculine men." i don't know why i never noticed this before. is there really such a lack of masculinity in the community or is this a perception problem? it's like an obsession icon_eek.gif

    The ones that make it a point that they're only into masculine guys aren't always so chill bro alpha masc themselves. icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 10, 2014 7:34 AM GMT
    xrichx saidThe ones that make it a point that they're only into masculine guys aren't always so chill bro alpha masc themselves. icon_lol.gif


    i don't doubt that icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 10, 2014 1:06 PM GMT
    ladies ladies ladies cant we all just get along???????????????????????? icon_cool.gif