Finding a Relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2014 3:27 AM GMT
    So I always hear from everyone "you really need to stop searching for a boyfriend. Let them come to you." I do agree with that statement, but I still feel like I should I immerse myself in places where gay guys are. Where can I go to meet gay guys excluding gay bars? What can I do to attract a man? I've never had a bf before. I have come close, but have never had one.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 11, 2014 3:31 AM GMT
    Maybe wear this in public
    fridge_original.jpg
  • BryUSC88

    Posts: 198

    Jul 11, 2014 3:35 AM GMT
    I've always heard that "stop searching and he'll show up" thing too. But I don't really buy that. I think you have to keep yourself out there and keep your eyes open. If you completely stop searching, Mr. Right is not going to come knocking on the door. I'm sure there will be those that disagree.
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    Jul 11, 2014 5:23 AM GMT
    Stop searching all together is BS. However, Searching without expectations, but with open mindedness is the way to go I think. But how many of us are capable of that(?)
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 11, 2014 5:51 AM GMT
    BryUSC88 saidI've always heard that "stop searching and he'll show up" thing too. But I don't really buy that. I think you have to keep yourself out there and keep your eyes open. If you completely stop searching, Mr. Right is not going to come knocking on the door. I'm sure there will be those that disagree.

    Got to agree ... If they're not asking you out, then you need to start asking them out. Maybe you'll get shot down several times, but many times you won't, and eventually you will meet the right one, and in the process you will learn what to say and what not to say ... So pay attention to what you are saying and how they are reacting.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2014 2:46 PM GMT
    But where can I go?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2014 4:48 PM GMT
    Schwarzy_91 saidBut where can I go?


    Just be friendly to every human being you meet.... Everyone. And when you are interested in someone let them know with a simple complement without expectations. One thing will lead to another another. Guys are everywhere but gays are generally a bit too shy to make the first move and come off as not being friendly. Pick up a Copy of Ogg Madino 's classic " The greatest salesman in the World ". Hint: you are selling yourself !
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    Jul 11, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    You can find things to do or places to go where you'll have fun doing things you enjoy. If there are gay guys there, you'll meet them. You can see if there are any meetup.com or other groups that either include gays or are exclusively gay with interests of yours and join them.

    Be creative but mostly find things you enjoy doing because if you meet someone there, it will be someone that has some commonality. There's nothing with being social (bar, or whatever) but I'd say do it with the intent of being social NOT finding a guy to date. You meet some guys, through them you meet other guys and so on and so on, before you know it, you have a large group of gay friends and perhaps find a few to date.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2014 5:03 PM GMT
    "Seek and ye shall find."

    Too bad that doesn't apply to boyfriends or keys.
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    Jul 11, 2014 6:25 PM GMT
    Relationships are a rarity among gay men because most aren' really interested in them, so you have that to contend with. It's also not clear what the goal is in most relationships between gay men, since most guys are much more interested in having multiple partners and that is what pretty much everything is geared toward. It's very different among straight people, who usually have clear goals like marriage and children.

    Maybe you first need to be very honest with yourself about what you're looking for. Monogamy? Marriage? Someone to do things with? Someone to have casual sex with? If you can obtain clarity in that regard, then you can have a more realistic appreciation about what is possible for you and you can target the best way to get it (if possible).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2014 7:09 PM GMT
    Wear a t-shirt that says, "I'm available."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2014 7:47 PM GMT
    ForRealNoReally saidWear a t-shirt that says, "I'm available."
    I prefer this one; it gets way more attention.
    02604106.interactive.a.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2014 8:07 PM GMT
    It's okay to want a boyfriend, most gay guys want a relationship. But change the way you think or approach it, don't have too much expectations and slowly start out as friends with the guys first, don't just sleep around. As far as going to places non-gay bars, try the LGBT center, alumni clubs, the beach, online dating sites? lol, I need help in this department too. Yeah the last 2-3 guys I dated seriously, 1 was from OCL, bar and 1 through friend. I live far away from them now.
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    Jul 11, 2014 10:34 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer saidRelationships are a rarity among gay men because most aren' really interested in them, so you have that to contend with. It's also not clear what the goal is in most relationships between gay men, since most guys are much more interested in having multiple partners and that is what pretty much everything is geared toward. It's very different among straight people, who usually have clear goals like marriage and children.

    Maybe you first need to be very honest with yourself about what you're looking for. Monogamy? Marriage? Someone to do things with? Someone to have casual sex with? If you can obtain clarity in that regard, then you can have a more realistic appreciation about what is possible for you and you can target the best way to get it (if possible).

    I don't think relationships are a rarity among gay men at all. They may not fit the standard conservative Christian way of a str8 relationship, that being a monogamous relationship that flames out more than 50% of the time but they exist regularly.

    Some of the most unhappy people I've ever known were married and in monogamous relationships because that's all they knew. Relationships are work, they require continuing communications, openness and honesty regardless of being gay or str8. When this fails, the relationship fails. Many make it work but it seems in the gay community everyone focuses or thinks that open relationships are failed relationships. I don't believe this is always true.
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    Jul 13, 2014 1:25 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidI don't think relationships are a rarity among gay men at all. They may not fit the standard conservative Christian way of a str8 relationship, that being a monogamous relationship that flames out more than 50% of the time but they exist regularly.
    sf_swimmer saidRelationships are a rarity among gay men because most aren' really interested in them.

    I agree completely with eb925guy here and what he said earlier: go out and do what you already enjoy, and you will meet others who will already have something in common with you. If they aren't available, they'll have friends, ... Bike, run, theater, book club, dancing, fishing, take a class.... Check the MEETUPS in your region http://www.meetup.com/find/ for other ideas; if you don't find one you like, create your own group. Just keep active and avoid closeting up in your apartment.

    sf_swimmer, your response seems to indicate that you've been hurt before; sorry if that's the case, but it does no good to rain on this guy's parade. Let's keep this conversation civil and upbeat, OK?
  • glowstik

    Posts: 150

    Jul 13, 2014 5:41 AM GMT
    LMAO at the relationship vets weighing in here. So the dreaded "R-word" are an opportunity to experience a new part about yourself like never before. It takes a lot to risk getting hurt like never before as well

    After a few years and a lots of dates you will be so much better equipped at weeding through guys and naturally attracting the ones you're more compatible with
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    Jul 13, 2014 6:34 AM GMT
    MarathonManiac said
    eb925guy saidI don't think relationships are a rarity among gay men at all. They may not fit the standard conservative Christian way of a str8 relationship, that being a monogamous relationship that flames out more than 50% of the time but they exist regularly.
    sf_swimmer saidRelationships are a rarity among gay men because most aren' really interested in them.

    I agree completely with eb925guy here and what he said earlier: go out and do what you already enjoy, and you will meet others who will already have something in common with you. If they aren't available, they'll have friends, ... Bike, run, theater, book club, dancing, fishing, take a class.... Check the MEETUPS in your region http://www.meetup.com/find/ for other ideas; if you don't find one you like, create your own group. Just keep active and avoid closeting up in your apartment.

    sf_swimmer, your response seems to indicate that you've been hurt before; sorry if that's the case, but it does no good to rain on this guy's parade. Let's keep this conversation civil and upbeat, OK?


    I agree icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2014 10:52 AM GMT
    I don't think relationships are a rarity among gay men at all. They may not fit the standard conservative Christian way of a str8 relationship, that being a monogamous relationship that flames out more than 50% of the time but they exist regularly.

    Some of the most unhappy people I've ever known were married and in monogamous relationships because that's all they knew. Relationships are work, they require continuing communications, openness and honesty regardless of being gay or str8. When this fails, the relationship fails. Many make it work but it seems in the gay community everyone focuses or thinks that open relationships are failed relationships. I don't believe this is always true.[/quote]


    I mean... I think that's a personal experience, and mine is the complete opposite. In my experience, all of the most unhappy people I've ever known (gay or straight, but especially gay) were either single or in open relationships. A failed relationship is independent of whether it's open or not, that I'll agree to. But come on, let's call a spade a spade... few people go INTO a relationship hoping for it to be open, that is usually an outcome of whatever the situation is. Most people go into it with the hopes of monogamy. And there are potent psychological and evolutionary reasons behind this.

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    Jul 13, 2014 3:20 PM GMT
    IzzyMusc saidI mean... I think that's a personal experience, and mine is the complete opposite. In my experience, all of the most unhappy people I've ever known (gay or straight, but especially gay) were either single or in open relationships. A failed relationship is independent of whether it's open or not, that I'll agree to. But come on, let's call a spade a spade... few people go INTO a relationship hoping for it to be open, that is usually an outcome of whatever the situation is. Most people go into it with the hopes of monogamy. And there are potent psychological and evolutionary reasons behind this.

    I'll agree that relationships don't normally begin open and evolve to that status because of a discontent with sex in a relationship however, if there's open and honest communications within the relationship, then that agreement doesn't leave either party unhappy. I think most of the str8 divorces have a lot to do with feeling trapped in a sexless or sexually unfulfilled relationship.

    Single guys tend to be unhappy because they're single and there's only one way of fixing that and that is exactly what the OP is asking. There have been many responses of good ideas for that. Unhappy 'open relationship' people have other issues that are not being discussed because they don't have open and honest communications. Don't ask/don't tell type open relationships are, in my opinion, just masking deeper issues not being discussed.

    The bottom line here is that if you want to find someone to be in a relationship with, you first need to develop a pool of likely candidates from which to pick. You can do that on Grindr but the reality is that they're probably not going to have the compatibility (I'm sure for some they might) so you look elsewhere to find guys you'd be interested in getting to know.
  • selim

    Posts: 158

    Jul 13, 2014 4:31 PM GMT
    just a question:

    Given that one of them does come to you, someone who is suitable for you in many aspects, will you still accept him as your only partner and cherish him as your better half in spite of the fact that he is not your type(in terms of his race, physical appearance)??icon_smile.gif



  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 13, 2014 5:28 PM GMT
    Having been in 2 some what ltr's, with the 2nd dying, I made the decision that I would not get involved in another very easily ... The next, I will have to be head over heals in love before ever making the decision of an exclusive relationship and to move in together ... Yes it's been about 15+ years since my last one, but it is a decision I do not regret even one little bit.

    Single, Happy, and Free icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 13, 2014 11:41 PM GMT
    Here we go again!

    My friend David is in love. It started fours ago when he was approached several times at work by a senior executive (a real stunner - I have seen pics in the corporation literature). The executive is married to a woman and has three kids.

    At the time, David declined the come-ons, and then moved to another state for a new job. The executive called him every now and then and would talk for an hour or so about their feelings for one another. David then returned to the area for another opportunity, and gave the executive a call. He wanted to know if they could be together. The executive said that as a married man he cannot do it, but was flattered by the attention.

    I have told David that while I surmise the fellow is prolly suppressing his attraction to men (I don't believe that he is no longer attracted to men) - he shouldn't count on the exec changing his mind, and he should look elsewhere. But David is in love.

    OK, there are thousands of situations like this....Is the married guy trying to suppress his feelings for men? Is he gay? Bisexual? What do you make of the shift on the executive's part? I told David that it could be that he has another guy in his life, and doesn't have room for David.

    Comments?

    RESIZED TEXT GOES HERECOLORED TEXT GOES HERE
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 14, 2014 1:10 AM GMT
    Ebonynote saidHere we go again!

    My friend David is in love. It started fours ago when he was approached several times at work by a senior executive (a real stunner - I have seen pics in the corporation literature). The executive is married to a woman and has three kids.

    At the time, David declined the come-ons, and then moved to another state for a new job. The executive called him every now and then and would talk for an hour or so about their feelings for one another. David then returned to the area for another opportunity, and gave the executive a call. He wanted to know if they could be together. The executive said that as a married man he cannot do it, but was flattered by the attention.

    I have told David that while I surmise the fellow is prolly suppressing his attraction to men (I don't believe that he is no longer attracted to men) - he shouldn't count on the exec changing his mind, and he should look elsewhere. But David is in love.

    OK, there are thousands of situations like this....Is the married guy trying to suppress his feelings for men? Is he gay? Bisexual? What do you make of the shift on the executive's part? I told David that it could be that he has another guy in his life, and doesn't have room for David.

    Comments?

    RESIZED TEXT GOES HERECOLORED TEXT GOES HERE

    Enough time has gone by that he is now over him
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    Jul 14, 2014 1:16 AM GMT
    eb925guy said
    IzzyMusc saidI mean... I think that's a personal experience, and mine is the complete opposite. In my experience, all of the most unhappy people I've ever known (gay or straight, but especially gay) were either single or in open relationships. A failed relationship is independent of whether it's open or not, that I'll agree to. But come on, let's call a spade a spade... few people go INTO a relationship hoping for it to be open, that is usually an outcome of whatever the situation is. Most people go into it with the hopes of monogamy. And there are potent psychological and evolutionary reasons behind this.

    I'll agree that relationships don't normally begin open and evolve to that status because of a discontent with sex in a relationship however, if there's open and honest communications within the relationship, then that agreement doesn't leave either party unhappy. I think most of the str8 divorces have a lot to do with feeling trapped in a sexless or sexually unfulfilled relationship.

    Single guys tend to be unhappy because they're single and there's only one way of fixing that and that is exactly what the OP is asking. There have been many responses of good ideas for that. Unhappy 'open relationship' people have other issues that are not being discussed because they don't have open and honest communications. Don't ask/don't tell type open relationships are, in my opinion, just masking deeper issues not being discussed.

    The bottom line here is that if you want to find someone to be in a relationship with, you first need to develop a pool of likely candidates from which to pick. You can do that on Grindr but the reality is that they're probably not going to have the compatibility (I'm sure for some they might) so you look elsewhere to find guys you'd be interested in getting to know.


    +100
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Jul 14, 2014 8:49 AM GMT
    Given Up!
    I will eat more chocolate at least that does not answer back?