Help me stop categorizing

  • bechbech

    Posts: 11

    Jul 13, 2014 11:06 AM GMT
    So, you know when people start dividing gay men into certain categories and thereby ascertaining appropriate looks, right?

    I really don't want to do so.
    But yet I do. And I try to fight it.

    For instance:
    I've just met this awesome guy. He's tall, skinny, clever and kinda guy-ish. No one would ever figure him as a gay guy.
    .. so I kinda thought he'd be the top of the two of us.
    I'm really not that tall, on the contrary, but I, too, am kinda guy-ish. I'm not easy to categorize in the sense that my interests vary from very manly stuff to rather feminine. When it comes to appearances, I've been called a "twinkish guy", but people can't tell whether I'm gay or not normally. I work out and I guess my clothing varies as well.

    So that's the fuzz?
    There doesn't need to be one.
    Yet, it turns out this guy prefers to be the bottom. We're both open to shifting once in a while and all that, so it shouldn't be a problem sexually.
    -- yet, I figured, that the 'taller guy' would be able to top in more positions than the smaller.

    Also.. When it comes to stereotyping, and again, I don't and I won't, but I can't help but thinking, how surprised people, especially other gay guys, may seem when/if they find out.. Find out what? Yeah, I don't know, and to be frank, writing this makes me feel tiny inside..
    I like him, he likes me.
    Guess I'm just genuinely insecure of my own masculinity.
    - I also, fyi, started to grow a beard, which has been well received. And there we have it, again, "well received", as if that whats matters.
    And yet, somehow it does.

    We've grown up in categories and learned to think categorically, and I'm sick of it.
    If I'm the small guy, yet top in this relationship, then so be it. And it's gonna rock and roll.
  • bechbech

    Posts: 11

    Jul 13, 2014 1:03 PM GMT
    Guess I'm alone on this one icon_smile.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 13, 2014 3:45 PM GMT
    bechbech saidGuess I'm alone on this one icon_smile.gif

    Yes, you are alone in this. No other man, gay or straight, categorizes other people into groups in ways that he finds useful for his own purposes. No other gay guy has ever been surprised to discover that the butchest guy in the room likes to get his ass pounded by a big hot dick.

    Sarcasm aside, yeah, the problem with categories is two fold: a) we all need and use them for everything. b) there are often (not always) exceptions to the general 'rules' of a social classification. Examples: Not all butch guys are tops; but all psychopaths are manipulative liars.

    As for helping you stop categorizing, how can we help you do that when we all more or less do it ourselves? The best anyone can do is try to not make assumptions about other people absent interaction and communication with them. Butch may or may not be a top; anyone may or may not be a psychopath. You're not going to know for sure until there's some interaction and, with the latter, you might not know for a long time because he's so good at telling you what you want to hear that you believe every lie he utters.

    Etc.

  • bechbech

    Posts: 11

    Jul 14, 2014 5:31 PM GMT
    Thanks!
    - but let me refocus, then.

    Personally, I feel a bit insecure being "butch" with a guy who's at least as butch as me.
    I mean, why would he go for me when he's obviously into guy-ish gays?
    I feel that I should grow taller, a beard and developing some handy work skills, I bet that'd please him.

    I am joking a bit, but still seriously insecure icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 14, 2014 5:40 PM GMT
    bechbech saidHelp me stop categorizing


    65910088_e915756054.jpg

    STOP DOING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






    did......did that work?
  • bechbech

    Posts: 11

    Jul 14, 2014 6:46 PM GMT
    Cured!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 14, 2014 7:02 PM GMT
    bechbech saidCured!


    woot!
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 14, 2014 8:16 PM GMT
    bechbech said..Personally, I feel a bit insecure being "butch" with a guy who's at least as butch as me. I mean, why would he go for me when he's obviously into guy-ish gays?

    I feel that I should grow taller, a beard and developing some handy work skills, I bet that'd please him. ...

    Ok so the issue is your insecurity. Still, not totally following you. Are you saying you feel the need to 'act butch' around butch guys; that they won't 'go for you' if you don't? Are you saying you don't feel comfortable just being yourself and letting guys either be interested in you or not--based on who you are rather than some image you feel the need to project?

    I mean, the 'game' can be played all kinds of ways, right? If you're dating, chances are being yourself as much as possible is going to work out better in the long run. If you're just out to party or have fun, hook-up or whatever, you can be whatever you want to be--or whatever you think the other guy wants you to be. It would get tiring in the long run to try and maintain an image but for a romp, not too big a deal.

    I'm still not sure I'm understanding what you're getting at though. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 14, 2014 8:19 PM GMT
    bechbech saidThanks!
    - but let me refocus, then.

    Personally, I feel a bit insecure being "butch" with a guy who's at least as butch as me.
    I mean, why would he go for me when he's obviously into guy-ish gays?
    I feel that I should grow taller, a beard and developing some handy work skills, I bet that'd please him.

    I am joking a bit, but still seriously insecure icon_smile.gif


    Man, you really do compartmentalize a LOT. There are some tops that are nelly as hell and bottoms that are masc as fuck. Just be with the dude and let him reveal who he is.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 14, 2014 8:20 PM GMT
    MikeW said
    bechbech said..Personally, I feel a bit insecure being "butch" with a guy who's at least as butch as me. I mean, why would he go for me when he's obviously into guy-ish gays?

    I feel that I should grow taller, a beard and developing some handy work skills, I bet that'd please him. ...

    Ok so the issue is your insecurity. Still, not totally following you. Are you saying you feel the need to 'act butch' around butch guys; that they won't 'go for you' if you don't? Are you saying you don't feel comfortable just being yourself and letting guys either be interested in you or not--based on who you are rather than some image you feel the need to project?

    I mean, the 'game' can be played all kinds of ways, right? If you're dating, chances are being yourself as much as possible is going to work out better in the long run. If you're just out to party or have fun, hook-up or whatever, you can be whatever you want to be--or whatever you think the other guy wants you to be. It would get tiring in the long run to try and maintain an image but for a romp, not too big a deal.

    I'm still not sure I'm understanding what you're getting at though. icon_neutral.gif

    I think he wants someone less butch than him...icon_neutral.gif
  • bechbech

    Posts: 11

    Jul 15, 2014 5:22 PM GMT
    Hmmm..
    Think I've cornered myself into a quite unfortunate position.

    Look. My problem is a personal one, me categorizing almost unconsciously.
    I was the "bottom" with a guy I dated for 3,5 years.
    Now I've been single for over a year and every single guy I've met has thought of me as a "top"-guy.
    Which kinda suprised me a lot, since I've always been attracted mainly to "top"ish guys..
    So… Now I've sort of started seeing someone who I really like, and it turns out he, too, thinks of me as a "top"guy.
    I know what I need to do: be myself and see where it goes, work with it etc.
    Which is some sound advice, it really is!
    - but it doesn't help me, like..
    I don't know..
    I know I shouldn't pretend being butch just to prove a point.
    But my insecurity kinda questions this awesome guy; like, if he's so much into guy-ish guy, then why go for me?
    And like, I've got to "man up".
    Which is NOTHING he has ever asked from me, trust me, he is the cutest.
    It's solely my own blasted mind that creates this.. fuzz
    And I thought writing about it, might help.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 15, 2014 7:07 PM GMT
    bechbech saidHmmm..
    Think I've cornered myself into a quite unfortunate position.

    Look. My problem is a personal one, me categorizing almost unconsciously.
    I was the "bottom" with a guy I dated for 3,5 years.
    Now I've been single for over a year and every single guy I've met has thought of me as a "top"-guy.
    Which kinda suprised me a lot, since I've always been attracted mainly to "top"ish guys..
    So… Now I've sort of started seeing someone who I really like, and it turns out he, too, thinks of me as a "top"guy.
    I know what I need to do: be myself and see where it goes, work with it etc.
    Which is some sound advice, it really is!
    - but it doesn't help me, like..
    I don't know..
    I know I shouldn't pretend being butch just to prove a point.
    But my insecurity kinda questions this awesome guy; like, if he's so much into guy-ish guy, then why go for me?
    And like, I've got to "man up".
    Which is NOTHING he has ever asked from me, trust me, he is the cutest.
    It's solely my own blasted mind that creates this.. fuzz
    And I thought writing about it, might help.

    Based on your two threads it sounds like you should end your ass-shaving razor-burn woes and tap that ass.icon_lol.gif
  • bechbech

    Posts: 11

    Jul 15, 2014 8:58 PM GMT
    Haha, dude! ;-D
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jul 15, 2014 9:14 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like you don't really want to be the top but are afraid you'll lose him if you're not. Give it a shot. You may like it. If not, if you're lucky, you two will come to appreciate each other on a deeper level and possibly figure out something that works for you both. Look, I dated an exclusive top for a while but when we were out and about and the question came up, and we felt like answering the question just for fun, people always, always said they guessed I'd be the top. And I am in my current situation. What you need to internalize is that stereotypes frequently aren't true. Real human beings are so much more complicated than that. And that's half the fun of finding a new love interest, figuring him out. So relax and enjoy.