why are you still in the closet?

  • Monte

    Posts: 8

    Jul 20, 2014 9:58 AM GMT
    so,why are you still in the closet?
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    Jul 20, 2014 3:07 PM GMT
    The only sexual experience I've had so far is receiving head from a guy once (happened back in December). I'm still unsure of whether I'm gay or bi. Only my best friend and 1 other friend knows about this though, and I have discussed it with my parents.

    I just don't see the need to "come out" and make some sort of announcement until I've truly figured myself out or I've started seeing someone.
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    Jul 20, 2014 3:10 PM GMT
    I think for a lot of guys it's the location. Living in rural america tthe concept of 'gay" is not accepted. Where I live, if you come out its for sure you will be driven out of town, or under. (Suicide for gays is quite high here). Then, there is the reality of getting the sh*t beat out of you.
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    Jul 20, 2014 3:49 PM GMT
    So your saying every straight guy out there who had an incident should come out of a closet? The gay community has come up with a lot of generalization and names for itself and thinks that everyone who had an experience is gay.
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    Jul 20, 2014 4:18 PM GMT
    I've been a closeted Bi for so long, I wasn't sure I knew HOW to come out. I thought when I got married I'd be able to keep it Str8, but couldn't and didn't.

    But the last 10 years have seen a lot of changes, both in my life and in the world, and my closet door is swung nearly full open.

    Divorced the wife (not over me being Bi, but her being a bitch), told the important family in my life who I am, and was loved and accepted, committed myself to a boyfriend and have been more than willing to tell friends that he is truly a boyfriend.

    I still keep it on the downlow at work, stodgy law firm executives won't quite get it, and while I know they can't fire me for it, they can make things uncomfortable. Also, frankly, it's none of their fuckin business, so I'm sort of in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" mode with them...

    But i will be bringing my BF to the Christmas party this year... because I refuse to hide him from anyone, and there's no one I'd rather have as my +1 than him.

    So ask me again in about 5 months... :-D
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    Jul 20, 2014 4:21 PM GMT
    I live my life for ME. A #4 on the Kinsey scale, not 100% one thing, and irritated by the limitations of language and it's labels. Don't care who knows, or who doesn't *on the whole* tbh (I don't put on an act), but still, I generally don't chat my personal business, sexual or otherwise, unless there is a a very pressing and important reason to (e.g., i'm entering into a relationship with said person, or, by not doing so i'd be very unfair to somebody I care about as it would certainly negatively affect them/our relationship)... Otherwise, people are free to wonder whatever they want, read my posts and deduct what they like, ask what they like (whether I answer is my perogative) but don't expect me to be gavin-the-gossip about things that don't concern *you* specifically.

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    Jul 20, 2014 4:30 PM GMT
    owl_bundy saidi'm afraid of losing my friends and extended family. i'll come out to them soon enough when i can take a hit.


    Similar story here. I don't think I'll ever lose my family but perhaps they'll be disappointed and sad for a time. I know they'll eventually come to terms with it and accept me for who I am. I think I'll tell my family some time this year.

    As for friends, that'll be hard. I've known most of my close friends for almost 20 years. They all have traditional/conservative values. I'm afraid it'll never be the same again between us. At work, maybe I'll tell 3-4 friends that are close to me. I know they will be accepting.
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    Jul 20, 2014 4:39 PM GMT
    coyotewilly saidI think for a lot of guys it's the location. Living in rural america tthe concept of 'gay" is not accepted. Where I live, if you come out its for sure you will be driven out of town, or under. (Suicide for gays is quite high here). Then, there is the reality of getting the sh*t beat out of you.


    Even living in an "accepting" community, my experience has been that nobody wants to know, except maybe the straight unitarian couples who appear to comprise the largely unannounced LGBT get-togethers that happen 2-3 times a year. Things may be different for guys in their teens and early twenties, but by my age, most gay men seem to have wised up and left.

    I came out to my family last year, but when I had tried to come out to my friends they changed the subject so fast that I never tried again. I don't know if I qualify as "out", in that I'm not hiding being gay now that I understand what that means for me, but I've been living in an area where I don't know any other gay men and wouldn't know any non-creepy ways to meet any, making my identity rather academic.

    I'm moving from college-town Kansas to the Des Moines area right now, and I'll see what is different there, but I'm pretty sure a lot of guys on RJ would consider me a closet case as it is.
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    Jul 20, 2014 5:03 PM GMT
    CUZ YO MOM'S IN HERE, I'M ALL UP IN DAT
  • warrior1234

    Posts: 204

    Jul 20, 2014 5:08 PM GMT
    I'm 25 years old and I'm only out to my friend, his girlfriend and my parents. But my parents are not having any of it.
    I don't really see the point of coming out gay to be honest. There's a lot of hate towards the gay community and there's a lot of hate IN the gay community. Plus racism is a bigger problem for me. Coming out gay will only make things much worse.
    My safety comes first.
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    Jul 20, 2014 5:13 PM GMT
    you know what I don't understand not outed men who seek a relationship with guys who are open with their sexuality. Like really? If you're not out then who cares but don't drag others into your pseudo world. I think not outed men should only date other not outed men.
  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Jul 20, 2014 6:05 PM GMT
    Sadly man... especially today, the longer you wait to come out the sillier you look. You run the risk of seeming paranoid, or worse cowardly. A lot of people will raise their eyebrows and ask why you didn't trust them, or why you lived with a lie for so long.

    The longer you live with a lie, the more egregious that lie will seem when it's finally dropped. Waiting a long time to come out is just sad.

    I'm not unsympathetic, I was there once. My career/personal life has spanned a number of traditionally masculine and conservative bastions... fraternity, military, law enforcement...in which I feared open homosexuality would have left me compromised. But at the end of the day, if you own your identity people usually respect that. I came out at 24, ten years ago and felt silly for waiting so long even then.

    In any case, god bless you. When you're ready, the first thing you'll feel is that you should have done it sooner.
  • Gcsp

    Posts: 9

    Jul 20, 2014 6:09 PM GMT
    polfsky said
    owl_bundy saidi'm afraid of losing my friends and extended family. i'll come out to them soon enough when i can take a hit.


    Similar story here. I don't think I'll ever lose my family but perhaps they'll be disappointed and sad for a time. I know they'll eventually come to terms with it and accept me for who I am. I think I'll tell my family some time this year.

    As for friends, that'll be hard. I've known most of my close friends for almost 20 years. They all have traditional/conservative values. I'm afraid it'll never be the same again between us. At work, maybe I'll tell 3-4 friends that are close to me. I know they will be accepting.


    Same here!
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    Jul 20, 2014 6:15 PM GMT
    turbographix saidSo your saying every straight guy out there who had an incident should come out of a closet? The gay community has come up with a lot of generalization and names for itself and thinks that everyone who had an experience is gay.


    His question was pretty straight forward.

    "so,why are you still in the closet?" he doesn't ask any more than that.


    When you say "So your saying...." is a distortion.
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    Jul 20, 2014 6:32 PM GMT
    I'm out to everyone but it was tough. When my news came out to family and friends - fine. A few fair-weather friends bit the dust, but no great loss. The trouble was though that I was fired from one good job by a new homophobic jerk who had recently been brought in. I knew he was an incompetent ass, and so did most everybody else, but before I could get out, he booted me out. Of course he didn't say it was because of the gay (he wasn't that stupid). He didn't even have to have a reason in Arizona, where I once lived. So all I'm saying is.......be sure to have some money saved or a good job offer on the table elsewhere, before you come out to a homophobic ass of a manager or director, v.p. - whatever. Be sensible. Don't lose your income over this.
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    Jul 20, 2014 6:47 PM GMT
    I consider myself to be in the closet, but with the door opened lol. My family knows and 3 of my closest friends know. but it's not facebook official yet. I currently go to school in Texas and waiting for the right moment for that.
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    Jul 20, 2014 7:17 PM GMT
    coyotewilly saidI think for a lot of guys it's the location. Living in rural america tthe concept of 'gay" is not accepted. Where I live, if you come out its for sure you will be driven out of town, or under. (Suicide for gays is quite high here). Then, there is the reality of getting the sh*t beat out of you.


    Agreed, I also live in a rural town and it's very conservative around here.
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    Jul 20, 2014 7:29 PM GMT
    I have personal reasons why I have not told anyone about being bi and I intend to keep it that way. It's my business: not anyone else.
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    Jul 20, 2014 7:36 PM GMT
    I really don't like living a lie in the closet. However after just getting thru ( and dragging my kids thru) a very shitty divorce. Not because of me being bi, but because she is sick and crazy. I don't think it will make anything better for me. In fact would make things much more complicated for ALL.
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    Jul 20, 2014 7:49 PM GMT
    blueandgold saidSadly man... especially today, the longer you wait to come out the sillier you look. You run the risk of seeming paranoid, or worse cowardly. A lot of people will raise their eyebrows and ask why you didn't trust them, or why you lived with a lie for so long.

    The longer you live with a lie, the more egregious that lie will seem when it's finally dropped. Waiting a long time to come out is just sad.

    I'm not unsympathetic, I was there once. My career/personal life has spanned a number of traditionally masculine and conservative bastions... fraternity, military, law enforcement...in which I feared open homosexuality would have left me compromised. But at the end of the day, if you own your identity people usually respect that. I came out at 24, ten years ago and felt silly for waiting so long even then.

    In any case, god bless you. When you're ready, the first thing you'll feel is that you should have done it sooner.


    A fair point, and I do feel silly, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it; what's done is done, and however stupid it may have been not to realize I was gay until my early thirties, nobody else was there to help me see the truth, and I count myself very fortunate that I figured it out at all. Silly or not, I treasure the journey and the resulting transformations too much to dwell on regret.

    There are -- or at least were when I was at the age where one begins to think about these things -- still many places in rural America where homosexuality is not just violently rejected, it is simultaneously *completely* misunderstood. I grew up not identifying with the little bit of gay culture I saw on TV and being constantly miseducated about what it meant to be gay, and more importantly holding a deep resentment and contempt for all men based on what I had witnessed in my youth. It's hard to truly and honestly understand what it means to be physically attracted to other men when you grow up thinking you hate them all. icon_smile.gif

    I'm rambling, but I guess I just don't understand the logistics of "coming out". My family cared, and handled it relatively well. The people I thought were my closest friends didn't care enough to hear me out, and I moved on. I have other, more important friendships to focus on and new friends to make before I start calling around to demand understanding and support. I don't care if it's not enough; all I can do for now is take one day at a time and do what I can; regret may be justifiable, but it would accomplish nothing.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jul 20, 2014 7:52 PM GMT
    blueandgold saidSadly man... especially today, the longer you wait to come out the sillier you look. You run the risk of seeming paranoid, or worse cowardly. A lot of people will raise their eyebrows and ask why you didn't trust them, or why you lived with a lie for so long.

    The longer you live with a lie, the more egregious that lie will seem when it's finally dropped. Waiting a long time to come out is just sad.

    I'm not unsympathetic, I was there once. My career/personal life has spanned a number of traditionally masculine and conservative bastions... fraternity, military, law enforcement...in which I feared open homosexuality would have left me compromised. But at the end of the day, if you own your identity people usually respect that. I came out at 24, ten years ago and felt silly for waiting so long even then.

    In any case, god bless you. When you're ready, the first thing you'll feel is that you should have done it sooner.
    and i would care about that because? when straight people start announcing there sexuality than i will too. the people i care to share my life with will know
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    Jul 20, 2014 8:19 PM GMT
    Not surprised to see a number of bi guys posting in this thread. Coming out is not as black and white as it is when you're gay. Knowing this, I respect people's decision to stay closeted, but still support the idea that you can still be happy after coming out. And I also think there's a need for more representation of bi males.
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    Jul 20, 2014 9:50 PM GMT
    Well my brother and his friend know other than that no one knows. I guess I'm one of those people who's low key about dating someone (boy or girl) also location plays a part.
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    Jul 20, 2014 9:54 PM GMT
    JonSpringon saidI've been a closeted Bi for so long, I wasn't sure I knew HOW to come out. I thought when I got married I'd be able to keep it Str8, but couldn't and didn't.

    But the last 10 years have seen a lot of changes, both in my life and in the world, and my closet door is swung nearly full open.

    Divorced the wife (not over me being Bi, but her being a bitch), told the important family in my life who I am, and was loved and accepted, committed myself to a boyfriend and have been more than willing to tell friends that he is truly a boyfriend.

    I still keep it on the downlow at work, stodgy law firm executives won't quite get it, and while I know they can't fire me for it, they can make things uncomfortable. Also, frankly, it's none of their fuckin business, so I'm sort of in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" mode with them...

    But i will be bringing my BF to the Christmas party this year... because I refuse to hide him from anyone, and there's no one I'd rather have as my +1 than him.

    So ask me again in about 5 months... :-D



    That's basically my situation as well, minus the BF. Unless I'm in a gay relationship, it's personal information that is irrelevant to most people I interact with.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Jul 20, 2014 10:26 PM GMT
    trof11 saidThe only sexual experience I've had so far is receiving head from a guy once (happened back in December). I'm still unsure of whether I'm gay or bi. Only my best friend and 1 other friend knows about this though, and I have discussed it with my parents.

    I just don't see the need to "come out" and make some sort of announcement until I've truly figured myself out or I've started seeing someone.

    Don't let anyone tell you if or when you should do anything - get comfortable with yourself and then you'll know what is right for you and what your life is like. Good luck!