Do you love yourself?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2014 10:39 PM GMT
    I have struggled with that concept for quite sometimes now.
    More so bc I didn't belong to the almighty "straight world" no matter how hard I tried. I always felt like life was easier being the mainstream(?)
    I am pretty sure I developed body image issues since embracing my sexuality.
    However, I have been reading some amazing self help books.
    What about you guys?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2014 10:45 PM GMT
    Have you seen me? lol jk

    Yes, I do unconditionally. It took some time to come to terms with my homosexuality and what not but I have learned to love every quirk and eccentricity that I possess.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2014 10:46 PM GMT
    Yes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 12:18 PM GMT
    BillyBrown saidI have struggled with that concept for quite sometimes now.
    More so bc I didn't belong to the almighty "straight world" no matter how hard I tried. I always felt like life was easier being the mainstream(?)
    I am pretty sure I developed body image issues since embracing my sexuality.
    However, I have been reading some amazing self help books.
    What about you guys?


    Sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder.
  • mxne

    Posts: 55

    Jul 28, 2014 12:49 PM GMT
    Getting there
  • peterstrong

    Posts: 989

    Jul 28, 2014 1:12 PM GMT
    http://www.health-benefit-of-water.com/message-from-water.html

    everyone needs to figure out how to love themselves - if u don't, u r slowly killing yourself


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    Jul 28, 2014 1:30 PM GMT
    owl_bundy saidno. i am not my biggest fan, possibly my biggest hater and actually have grown to hate myself. the self hatred has been around for years going back to my pre teens so.... in fact, i tend to beat myself down harder than others try to do. can tell you all the negative or bad things about me before the good. also don't tend to believe people when they say positive things about me.


    I'm there with you mate. It's the fault of my parents though. They brought me up like that, always reminding me of my faults and never celebrating my successes. My father especially has this obsessive believe that I should be exactly how he thinks I should, talk how he talks, walk, etc. it's our main arguing point. I think getting away from that source of criticism might help loads.

    That being said, I do like the person I am. I don't always show it but it keeps me grounded when everything goes pear-shaped.
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    Jul 28, 2014 2:50 PM GMT
    owl_bundy saidno. i am not my biggest fan, possibly my biggest hater and actually have grown to hate myself. the self hatred has been around for years going back to my pre teens so.... in fact, i tend to beat myself down harder than others try to do. can tell you all the negative or bad things about me before the good. also don't tend to believe people when they say positive things about me.


    Wow, sounds like a destructive behavior right there. Maybe you should consider counseling. I have been seeing one for a couple of months and I can't stress enough how helpful it has been in my life.
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    Jul 28, 2014 3:17 PM GMT
    For sure. After what i've been through with being homeless, fending for myself and getting by I loved myself enough to create a better life for myself. Those experiences gave me self confidence to take care of myself and of course value myself lol
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    Jul 28, 2014 3:25 PM GMT
    I've said this numerously because I see so many examples of it. Being gay in the str8 world is like being black in the white world in that, by that likely we develop a heightened sense of double consciousness as described by Du Bois http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_consciousness

    Take some time & effort to figure out which thoughts are yours and which are those of the world. What thoughts you want to think and what thoughts are nonsense. Everyone has some garbage inside their head. You can't live in this world without some of the crap getting inside. So just find your way to put that aside and concentrate on thinking the good thoughts instead.

    Thich Nhat Hanh has a very good description on how to handle this. Think of the bad thoughts, your pain, as a baby crying. You can't throw out your baby, it is part of you. So when it cries, you pick it up gently and sing it back to sleep.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Jul 28, 2014 3:40 PM GMT
    Outside the sexual context, I have always differentiated between the two types of love.

    One, the love your parents and family should feel for you. They love you NOT because of your achievements and human virtues but because you are one of them. There are bonds of blood at work there.

    Two, the love that other people may feel for me because they believe that I deserve their love. They love me because of what I have done for them, or because of the views and attitudes we share. I see this as earned love.

    I have never had any siblings. My parents started to condition their love with the level of my achievements only too soon.

    At some point in time, probably around the age of 18, I decided that I cannot purely depend on the others to love me unconditionally. So, I granted that love to myself within the reason.

    I have also learnt to draw a very clear line between earning someone's love, and allowing the others to exploit me. Most people are wise enough to respect my limits. The few who are pushing the envelope very soon realize that I can be very determined, and that I will not be blackmailed.

    It is very helpful to demonstrate that you can turn from nice to brutal in 0 sec flat.

    SC

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 4:13 PM GMT
    Bach Flower Essence Crab Apple (Malus pumila)

    "The Bach Flower Essence Crab Apple is an effective way to treat individuals who suffer with feelings of self-loathing. Crab Apple essence is a cleansing remedy which helps people who feel there is something tainted or ‘dirty’ about them. When used appropriately, Bach Flower Essence Crab Apple brings about emotional balance, so we can leave negative thinking behind."
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    Jul 28, 2014 4:13 PM GMT
    I try to, but it's always a conflict. Like, I really didn't start disliking myself until I got acquainted with the gay community; and it's because it's a fact that the gay community in the west is dominated by Caucasian 40 yr>men who control the politics, and therefore control the ideas of the people in order to twist their own thoughts into thinking that white is beautiful and everything else is secondary, pretty much, and even in Asia their culture is dominated with paleness agendas. If I date a white guy people think that I'm an interracial slut (especially in San Fran) and that I'm some rice queen, or something, and it's really not my fault that I am attracted to them because I grew up in a rich white neighborhood, and if you know anything about psychology, you would know that children learn through association. I honestly feel a little bad that I even went to the pride parade because it's not preaching equal rights for everybody; it's preaching white male rights. Just look at all the porn, all the ads on gayborhoods, all the make-up that suits pale skin (even pantyhose), and most of the male models, and you can't see why it's not easy for a minority, like me, to not love him/herself. Add this all to the horrible things that are said about minorities online - no Asians, no blacks, no Latins, no Ching chong, no yellow, etc. - and you will only begin to understand what's expected of me socially in American society. This of course does not include social expectations like succeeding in school and having a family, but it's pretty hard when society basically hates you.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jul 28, 2014 4:28 PM GMT
    I used to put other peoples happiness ahead of my own. This is a recipe for disaster. You usually end up resenting them and yourself. I learned the individuals that truly love me, want me to be happy and successful. Nourish yourself, by loving yourself first and foremost.
  • toastvenom

    Posts: 1020

    Jul 28, 2014 5:49 PM GMT
    I play hard to get, hard to love some one so god damn elusive
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 6:48 PM GMT
    Everyday is a new experience and life is a journey for all of us. Unfortunately it is not always easy.

    People really are just animals. You have to learn not to have too high of a bar of expectations or standards on yourself or other people. People are less than perfect.

    Learn from your own mistakes and others. Try to do better. We all have to learn to live with the disappointment, hurt,and mediocrity around us. You can not always be like other people. Better for all of us sometimes if we are able to learn, understand, accept, and tolerate each other better though.

    Do what is comfortable, right or healthier for you. Do not always be swayed, or feel pressured by other people to do things or become like them. Think about yourself and the people that you care about.

    You should take the time to remain involved with the significant people in your life. Find your own stride that is good for you.

    You need to live your own life. Let other people live their own lives.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 7:33 PM GMT
    I'm afraid that the moment I'll fully accept myself I won't have any reason to continue.
  • BlackCoach

    Posts: 37

    Jul 28, 2014 7:50 PM GMT
    Love myself imperfections all. However, I know my shortcomings and accept them and move on. I tried to be more extraverted but that isn't me.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jul 28, 2014 8:00 PM GMT
    I think all that is necessary is that you like yourself. I like myself. The difference in someone liking oneself and loving oneself is loving leaves little room for criticism. If you like yourself as a whole, you can figure out the things you don't like and work on them, one by one. If you then find yourself improving, you'll be positively rewarded by liking yourself a bit more, and on and on. I find people who love themselves to be a bit narcissistic and generally assholes.

    Maybe if you lower your standards from love to like, you'll find it easier to make progress and you'll find happiness is attainable. At least contentment. Just beware of self-deception.
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    Jul 28, 2014 8:01 PM GMT
    owl_bundy said
    BillyBrown said
    owl_bundy saidno. i am not my biggest fan, possibly my biggest hater and actually have grown to hate myself. the self hatred has been around for years going back to my pre teens so.... in fact, i tend to beat myself down harder than others try to do. can tell you all the negative or bad things about me before the good. also don't tend to believe people when they say positive things about me.


    Wow, sounds like a destructive behavior right there. Maybe you should consider counseling. I have been seeing one for a couple of months and I can't stress enough how helpful it has been in my life.


    dunno about therapy. after 6 years of going to therapists, shrinks and etc, scared to go back. actually feel that i get more help from writing it out than telling someone else about my issues where they say "we can't help you with that. you have to help yourself."


    Whatever works for you. As long as you are dealing with your issues somehow then you should eventually feel better about yourself.
    I just got lucky with this amazing lady as a counselor & I must say I am making majah progresses. Besides counseling what I could suggest are journaling, meditation & little changes toward reclaiming your identity.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 8:05 PM GMT
    theantijock saidI've said this numerously because I see so many examples of it. Being gay in the str8 world is like being black in the white world in that, by that likely we develop a heightened sense of double consciousness as described by Du Bois http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_consciousness

    Take some time & effort to figure out which thoughts are yours and which are those of the world. What thoughts you want to think and what thoughts are nonsense. Everyone has some garbage inside their head. You can't live in this world without some of the crap getting inside. So just find your way to put that aside and concentrate on thinking the good thoughts instead.

    Thich Nhat Hanh has a very good description on how to handle this. Think of the bad thoughts, your pain, as a baby crying. You can't throw out your baby, it is part of you. So when it cries, you pick it up gently and sing it back to sleep.


    REALLY GOOD STUFF. Thanks for your input
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    Jul 28, 2014 8:13 PM GMT
    KBM13 saidI try to, but it's always a conflict. Like, I really didn't start disliking myself until I got acquainted with the gay community; and it's because it's a fact that the gay community in the west is dominated by Caucasian 40 yr>men who control the politics, and therefore control the ideas of the people in order to twist their own thoughts into thinking that white is beautiful and everything else is secondary, pretty much, and even in Asia their culture is dominated with paleness agendas. If I date a white guy people think that I'm an interracial slut (especially in San Fran) and that I'm some rice queen, or something, and it's really not my fault that I am attracted to them because I grew up in a rich white neighborhood, and if you know anything about psychology, you would know that children learn through association. I honestly feel a little bad that I even went to the pride parade because it's not preaching equal rights for everybody; it's preaching white male rights. Just look at all the porn, all the ads on gayborhoods, all the make-up that suits pale skin (even pantyhose), and most of the male models, and you can't see why it's not easy for a minority, like me, to not love him/herself. Add this all to the horrible things that are said about minorities online - no Asians, no blacks, no Latins, no Ching chong, no yellow, etc. - and you will only begin to understand what's expected of me socially in American society. This of course does not include social expectations like succeeding in school and having a family, but it's pretty hard when society basically hates you.


    Yeah, the discrimination against minorities on gay websites is something I have experienced quite some. Everytime I read "no blacks...curry, rice, thugs, spices..." it really hurts. Not because it is wrong in itself since we can't help who we are attracted to. But to word it is such an INCONSIDERATE way makes the person look like a mofo racist.
    I clearly remember this white guy online who although attractive was not my type telling me after I had ignored his messages that I should be lucky a white person was showing interest in me. Like WTF!!!!icon_surprised.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 8:18 PM GMT
    I think I do...
    I've fully embraced my sexuality (as weird as it may be)
    I no longer have low self-esteem or put myself down constantly. I've gotten past trying to fix the impossible and trying to change others opinions of me.
    I am proud of myself and all I have accomplished (even though they may seem like small accomplishments to some people)

    I personally feel like those are some of the things it takes to love yourself. There are obviously other things you can add but, those are what come to mind first.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 8:47 PM GMT
    yep I do
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 8:51 PM GMT
    KBM13 saidI try to, but it's always a conflict. Like, I really didn't start disliking myself until I got acquainted with the gay community; and it's because it's a fact that the gay community in the west is dominated by Caucasian 40 yr>men who control the politics, and therefore control the ideas of the people in order to twist their own thoughts into thinking that white is beautiful and everything else is secondary, pretty much, and even in Asia their culture is dominated with paleness agendas. So you just admitted that color preference isn't just a white thing. You readily admit Asians prefer people with lighter complexions. It is also a well known fact that in this country dark skinned blacks are not preferred by light skinned blacks. And if I were to guess I would suspect darkers skinned Indians are not preferred by light skinned Indians. Aren't the high caste Indians lighter in skin tone than the untouchables. Oooooops! we aren't suppose to talk about that! So cut all the bullshit that it's only a white phenomenon. If I date a white guy people think that I'm an interracial slut (especially in San Fran) and that I'm some rice queen, or something, and it's really not my fault that I am attracted to them because I grew up in a rich white neighborhood, and if you know anything about psychology, you would know that children learn through association. I grew up in an all white neighborhood and I only dated one white guy in my entire life. Everyone else has been Latino or Asian. Yes, yes, I'm only one guy but I'm sure there are many more like me.I honestly feel a little bad that I even went to the pride parade because it's not preaching equal rights for everybody; it's preaching white male rights. Really?! I don't ever recall a banner stating "Equal Rights for White Gays Only!" If your particular minority group isn't represented I would venture to say it's not because you aren't welcome its because most succumb to their cultural and familial pressures and remain closeted. Just look at all the porn Looks to porn for validation. Hummmm may be a part of your problem., all the ads on gayborhoods, all the make-up that suits pale skin (even pantyhose)Unless you are buy opaque white, pantyhose will make your skin darker. Who wears pantyhose? Women trashed those things over a decade ago. Are gay men wearing them now? Have I missed something? , and most of the male models, and you can't see why it's not easy for a minority, like me, to not love him/herself. Add this all to the horrible things that are said about minorities online - no Asians, no blacks, no Latins, no Ching chong, no yellow, etc. - and you will only begin to understand what's expected of me socially in American society. And for every profile that says "No black, Asian, etc." there are a dozen that do not mention racial or ethnicity. This of course does not include social expectations like succeeding in school and having a family, but it's pretty hard when society basically hates you.Excuse me if I'm wrong but the expectation that you succeed in school and have a family are pressures coming from your own culture and family not society at large.


    Keep focusing on the negative and that's all you'll see and get in return. You can't keep looking to others or the culture at large for validation. It has to come from within yourself. It's like a white guy like myself going to live in India a whining there aren't any white guys in Bollywood or enough white models or an American Indian looking for role models like himself in the culture of the Indian subcontinent. It's just silly