What advice would you give this friend of mine?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 7:52 AM GMT
    Hi guys

    Perhaps you could all give me your thoughts :

    One of my mates got involved with someone on a sort of fuck buddy basis ( I'm not referring to myself here at all) , and they became pretty tight, having lots of sex, and because they are both in the same industry , he did a lot to help this guy to build his biz after a new deal came through .

    Then this guys ex came back into the picture, began to very viciously slag my mate off, and tried to get his ex back. Their relationship was co dependent and highly toxic and controlling .

    To cut a long story short -

    This guy comes into my mates shop and tells him that he can't just be friends and needs space . Fair enough . But he shatters my friend by saying that "he never fancied him ". My friend feels horrified and used that they could have had such a dynamic for so long and the guy didn't fancy him as he states.

    It's stumped me slightly as well. But from day one I sensed he was being used. This guy seems like he's going back to his ex.

    My mate says that he's going to fall apart now as he's always prided himself as a good judge of character . His other friends say he's an idiot and was used and should cut ties with this guy. He's also not long out of a LTR and that makes him more vulnerable.

    What would your take on this situation be? I am not sure how to help .

    Thanks in advance :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 1:56 PM GMT
    Sorry your friend is feeling low, and hopefully he'll be able to just pick himself up and move forward....meeting new people and keeping busy with them, so he doesn't have to even think about this last guy. The other thing he needs to do (IMO) is keep things in perspective. A fuck buddy is not someone we fall in love with. He's like a rental car. Nice as that car may be to drive for awhile (like during a vacation in Europe, let's say) you know that it isn't your car - never will be - and you're going to just use it, have fun with it, and turn it in when you're through with it.
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    Jul 28, 2014 2:12 PM GMT
    BlakeA said... What would your take on this situation be? I am not sure how to help ...
    I am thinking it happens quite often. Too late at this point; your friend should have waited a few months until his new partner got over his X before your friend thought the relationship long term.

    How can you help
    try to visit your friend more, take his mind of his sorrows. He has only know this guy for a short period of time compared to some X relationship that ended after years. he should be quick to get back on his feet.
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    Jul 28, 2014 3:27 PM GMT
    It sounds like they had different expectations from the relationship, whether or not that was expressed. That doesn't make it any less sucky for your friend; sorry that happened.

    I dated someone for about six months and his ex was lurking in the background the whole time. I was not at all surprised when he announced he was moving back to where he was from; they were together again in a matter of weeks.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 28, 2014 4:04 PM GMT
    I'd start by telling my friend that I think he's great. And that my opinion is more worthy that that guy's. If he seems traumatized and unable to get over the shock, just keep telling him that that guy was a piece of shit and that he wasn't worth all this emotion. You'll never be able to overcome your friend's sense of heartbreak and worse, shame that he was so deluded. So just work on bucking him up. When the anger subsides, he'll start hearing you and start believing in your words, not his feeling of humiliation. He needs more than anything to reestablish his own sense of self-worth. You can remind him.
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    Jul 28, 2014 4:07 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI'd start by telling my friend that I think he's great. And that my opinion is more worthy that that guy's. If he seems traumatized and unable to get over the shock, just keep telling him that that guy was a piece of shit and that he wasn't worth all this emotion. You'll never be able to overcome your friend's sense of heartbreak and worse, shame that he was so deluded. So just work on bucking him up. When the anger subsides, he'll start hearing you and start believing in your words, not his feeling of humiliation. He needs more than anything to reestablish his own sense of self-worth. You can remind him.


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