Guys saying that they want more than sex

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 7:58 AM GMT
    How many guys tell you that they are looking for more than just sex? That they are looking for men with "substance"? Then you talk to them, just getting to know them and all that, purely being friendly. And then they want sex from you. I don't get it. It's so hard for me to find gay guy friends because this keeps happening to me. You guys are gonna look at my pics and be like "Really? Guys are doing that to YOU?" But, yes. They are. I'm not even trying to be a drama queen or say that I'm hot. I know I am not.


    Is this a problem for anyone else? I know it has to be.

    How to cope with the problem? I usually tell them I'm not interested and then they stop talking to me or I just stop talking to them when they try to get sexual.

    But I am not putting any vibes out there. I am not being flirty or sexual or even saying any sexual jokes because I don't want that from them. So I don't know what else to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 8:37 AM GMT
    You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. That's why I don't take profiles too seriously. I learned a long time ago that all those "down to earth" and "friendly" guys aren't what they portray themselves to be on their profiles.

    At the end of the day, most guys are just looking for "friends" that can potentially be lovers/boyfriends.
  • Elian

    Posts: 60

    Jul 28, 2014 8:54 AM GMT
    Well, you are not alone in that.

    Finding gay friends has not been an easy task for me either. I think I probably have just one or two very good friend (And I take part in organizing LGBT events at uni and go to quite a few LGBT friendly activities). I can say that I have met more than 100 gay guys this year and keep running into the same problem. Whenever I start befriending someone they want more in terms of relationship and sexual stuff.

    I met these guys in same sex dancing classes. One of them has a long term partner so it was easier to become friends. I dated the other one because I had never dated a friend before and he was clearly interested. It was a mistake since there was no spark. We were able to remain friends and the awkwardness is pretty much non-existent after some months.

    My point is that most gay guys either want sex quite badly, or want a relationship quite badly so it is really difficult to find friends that just want to be friends. I guess the oly answer is to keep trying. However, in my opinion it is better to look for friends in less aggressive environments such as LGBT friendly hiking groups, choirs, theater groups... whatever floats your boat.

    Now if you are a nice guy, and not like... really unattractive (You are an attractive guy OP icon_razz.gif)it is going to be difficult to avoid friends wanting to be more, so learning how to handle that kind of things when you don't correspond them is important if you want to keep them as friends :S


  • frogman89

    Posts: 418

    Jul 28, 2014 9:06 AM GMT
    Saying "I want more than sex" implies that sex is included (= I want sex+more). It means sex is not the only thing they want, but they also want it.

    I interpret it this way: They don't sleep around with every guy that walks past, but they sleep with guys they feel a connection with and hope that it develops to become more than a fling.

    It's your own misconception to think "I want more than sex" means "I want a platonic friendship without sex at all".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2014 1:45 PM GMT
    You don't find friends on the internet or you have to be very lucky. Better to just go out there in the real world and get to know people like that. Please just live this whole online thing behind you, nothing good will come out of it, for me at least it's merely a way to pass the time when bored.
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    Jul 28, 2014 7:16 PM GMT
    Truppensturm saidYou don't find friends on the internet or you have to be very lucky. Better to just go out there in the real world and get to know people like that. Please just live this whole online thing behind you, nothing good will come out of it, for me at least it's merely a way to pass the time when bored.


    Hmmm, honestly I can't 100% agree with that. The same guys online, are the same guys in real life...and they all play the same bullshit games. Likewise, there's genuine people online and the real world too
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jul 28, 2014 7:34 PM GMT
    frogman89 saidSaying "I want more than sex" implies that sex is included (= I want sex+more). It means sex is not the only thing they want, but they also want it.

    I interpret it this way: They don't sleep around with every guy that walks past, but they sleep with guys they feel a connection with and hope that it develops to become more than a fling.

    It's your own misconception to think "I want more than sex" means "I want a platonic friendship without sex at all".

    This^^^^. Nothing wrong with sex. Nothing wrong with starting a relationship with sex. In fact, it is necessary to have a strong attraction if you want more than friendship. Just because someone is interested in "substance" doesn't mean he isn't also sexual. And vice versa. If you have rules about early sex in a relationship, or are just looking for friends that will not and cannot develop into more than friends, just say so when they start getting interested. My guess is you're acting insulted or angry or exasperated or superior when you meet one of these guys. And they walk away. Are you in traditional pickup venues when this happens? Online?
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    Jul 28, 2014 8:09 PM GMT
    owl_bundy said

    1)you should try finding straight (male) friends
    2)gay friends are an oxymoron
    3)it's kind of hard to be friendly to the same sex that you're attracted to (even if they're straight).


    do you not see the error in this? LOL. I kinda interjected my own spiciness to it
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    Jul 28, 2014 9:13 PM GMT
    Gay men are so whiny and tragic icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Jul 28, 2014 10:46 PM GMT
    Isn't the solution obvious? Most gay guys have figured out that you just fuck them, and break up but remain "friends". That way the tension is over. If need be, fuck them "badly" so they look elsewhere for sex, but being a useful guy, they keep you as a friend.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Jul 29, 2014 12:11 AM GMT
    "want more than sex", "not really into hookups", and the like, all mean the same thing: sex is prerequisite and the "more" part would be a good-to-have. Guys who want real relationships don't even mention sex on their profiles.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2014 3:34 AM GMT
    frogman89 saidSaying "I want more than sex" implies that sex is included (= I want sex+more). It means sex is not the only thing they want, but they also want it.

    I interpret it this way: They don't sleep around with every guy that walks past, but they sleep with guys they feel a connection with and hope that it develops to become more than a fling.

    It's your own misconception to think "I want more than sex" means "I want a platonic friendship without sex at all".


    Some truth in what you say but I'll give one bit of advise from my experience. If you want to be purely friends then pick people who have things in common with you but are not sexually attractive to you. I have found the best gay male friendships that way and if you are not each other's types then sex and relationship won't get in the way yet you will still bond as friends.

    Having said that I have had brief flings where mine and the other guys needs or mine cannot be met (not talking sexually) and if you discuss this and have things in common it can work too. Online or in person or in a club wherever this approach works for me and probably will for most of you.
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    Jul 29, 2014 4:57 AM GMT
    owl_bundy said
    what error? you're a perfect example of the point i made. how many gay friends do you have that you didn't sleep with or fell for?


    Ex fucking cuse me? How many? Ummm...MANY. I have NOT slept with all my friends, and in fact most of them I have NOT slept with them, because I'm a "fuck me and pay" or "fuck me, and be committed" type of person. I have a hard time with the FWB stuff or what not.

    In addition, many people including myself find it hard to have sex with someone who's they're long-time friends with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2014 5:22 AM GMT
    yes, and the moment they make a move I just never talk to them again.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 29, 2014 5:24 AM GMT
    Because they think that's what love is
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jul 29, 2014 5:46 AM GMT
    One of the many benefits of an open relationship is you get the substance and the sex. You also get freedom and some one to grow old with.icon_smile.gif
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Jul 29, 2014 7:19 AM GMT
    frogman89 saidSaying "I want more than sex" implies that sex is included (= I want sex+more). It means sex is not the only thing they want, but they also want it.

    I interpret it this way: They don't sleep around with every guy that walks past, but they sleep with guys they feel a connection with and hope that it develops to become more than a fling.

    It's your own misconception to think "I want more than sex" means "I want a platonic friendship without sex at all".


    Amen!

    If you want a purely platonic friendship, say so. It may not make you the most coveted dude in town, but you'll save yourself, and a few other people, too, a lot of wasted time and energy.

    SC
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    Jul 29, 2014 8:05 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    Truppensturm saidYou don't find friends on the internet or you have to be very lucky. Better to just go out there in the real world and get to know people like that. Please just live this whole online thing behind you, nothing good will come out of it, for me at least it's merely a way to pass the time when bored.


    Hmmm, honestly I can't 100% agree with that. The same guys online, are the same guys in real life...and they all play the same bullshit games. Likewise, there's genuine people online and the real world too

    You much less to lose online than in real life and so you will behave very differently. You'll meet bullshit in both instances, but the odds are much better in real life and you can address people about their behavior and be sure that they will listen. There's just no comparing the two.
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Jul 29, 2014 9:22 AM GMT
    frogman89 saidSaying "I want more than sex" implies that sex is included (= I want sex+more). It means sex is not the only thing they want, but they also want it.

    I interpret it this way: They don't sleep around with every guy that walks past, but they sleep with guys they feel a connection with and hope that it develops to become more than a fling.

    It's your own misconception to think "I want more than sex" means "I want a platonic friendship without sex at all".


    omg! i've never looked at it like this! Simple but genius!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2014 8:42 PM GMT
    frogman89 saidSaying "I want more than sex" implies that sex is included (= I want sex+more). It means sex is not the only thing they want, but they also want it.

    I interpret it this way: They don't sleep around with every guy that walks past, but they sleep with guys they feel a connection with and hope that it develops to become more than a fling.

    It's your own misconception to think "I want more than sex" means "I want a platonic friendship without sex at all".


    perfectly true!
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    Jul 29, 2014 9:12 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said
    frogman89 saidSaying "I want more than sex" implies that sex is included (= I want sex+more). It means sex is not the only thing they want, but they also want it.

    I interpret it this way: They don't sleep around with every guy that walks past, but they sleep with guys they feel a connection with and hope that it develops to become more than a fling.

    It's your own misconception to think "I want more than sex" means "I want a platonic friendship without sex at all".

    This^^^^. Nothing wrong with sex. Nothing wrong with starting a relationship with sex. In fact, it is necessary to have a strong attraction if you want more than friendship. Just because someone is interested in "substance" doesn't mean he isn't also sexual. And vice versa. If you have rules about early sex in a relationship, or are just looking for friends that will not and cannot develop into more than friends, just say so when they start getting interested. My guess is you're acting insulted or angry or exasperated or superior when you meet one of these guys. And they walk away. Are you in traditional pickup venues when this happens? Online?


    That's the the thing. I do say so. I tell them I am not interested. And they are like ok. And then later they aren't. That's the thing is that this isn't happening right when I meet them. If it was, I would politely decline and move on. It is that it happens basically with an initial agreement of friendship. If I was going on a date or something and we didn't know where it was headed, I could understand. But I say right away that I am not looking for sex and they are ok and maybe they think I will change my mind?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2014 10:14 PM GMT
    First of all, gay men who say they want men with **substance** and no sex are just lying. LOL, after all, gay men are MEN. Men are fueled with Hormones and they feel horny like 99% of the time. It's okay to date, make friends and hang out like first 2-3 dates, if the guy turns to sexual tension and want sex, it could be a good thing. It means he sexually wants you, let's face it, a lot of men want to Test-Drive and sleep around first then settle down. Several guys in the thread said it, gay men want friends but more along the lines of Friends/Lover. So OP, if I were you, if you click and like some of these guys, Prepare to PUT OUT in the future. icon_cool.gificon_lol.gif I use the expression of **Oh let's be friends** in order to dump someone since I have no sexual interest or whatever, yes I'm looking for a lover/friend type of guys.
  • jaroslav123

    Posts: 600

    Jul 30, 2014 9:52 AM GMT
    frogman89 saidSaying "I want more than sex" implies that sex is included (= I want sex+more). It means sex is not the only thing they want, but they also want it.

    I interpret it this way: They don't sleep around with every guy that walks past, but they sleep with guys they feel a connection with and hope that it develops to become more than a fling.

    It's your own misconception to think "I want more than sex" means "I want a platonic friendship without sex at all".


    Good point.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Jul 30, 2014 9:59 AM GMT
    I agree more than just sex includes sex. I use friends maybe more, that includes platonic friends or possible something else.
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    Jul 30, 2014 4:31 PM GMT
    kevex saidGay men are so whiny and tragic icon_rolleyes.gif


    The trials of being young, trim, and gorgeous...(sad violin)