Can I realistically be a good top?

  • RMHunter

    Posts: 3

    Jul 29, 2014 3:06 PM GMT
    Sorry to start yet another size thread, but I think my question is a little different to others.

    I'm in my first relationship with a boyfriend who is very well endowed. I myself am very much average (pretty much exactly 5.75" in length and 5" around).

    Our four month relationship appears to me very healthy and strong. For the first time a few days ago, he was able to top me without it being painful. Having said that, I can't help but feel that we'd both be satisfied if I could top him. My question is more of a practical one - can someone of my size be a good top?

    We've only tried twice, and both times I found it humiliating. The first time he took me in with ease and asked "is it all the way in?" He didn't mean it to be hurtful, but for me it dragged up a whole load of insecurities about not being big enough. When I tried to thrust I ended up coming out, and was so embarrassed I could barely talk. The second time I was so anxious about not performing well, I couldn't get hard enough to get inside him. He wanted me to talk about the problem, and at one point asked 'is it a size thing?', which only made things worse because it confirmed that my size is clearly something that's also on his mind.

    This is so frustrating: I really want to be able to top him, and I feel he wants the same, but I don't know if my angst/lack of experience is preventing me from doing it well, or if someone who isn't particularly well endowed is obliged to bottom?

    Has anyone been a similar size and can honestly say that they've had a genuinely strong sexual relationship as a top? Again, sorry about the repetitive thread, but I'm just concerned that this is something that's going to stand in the way of an otherwise brilliant relationship...
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 901

    Jul 29, 2014 4:00 PM GMT
    Topping is first and foremost a mental attitude.

    Most guys I have met so far, are just average dudes in the department size. This has not prevented them from topping (and bottoming, too). If other dudes can do it, you can do it, too.

    It is a conventional truth that many (if not most) versatile guys by default let the bigger guy top. True, there is some logic in this, but there is no one stopping you from being a good top just because your BF happens to be bigger.

    Part with your size obsession. Experienced "big" guys know that sooner or later, they'll bump into an even bigger dude. This does not make anyone feel inadequate. It is a fact of life, and we all live with it.

    Life ain't really a porn production. Your BF knows this, and you should, too. If your BF thought that you were too small for him he would have given you a rain check long time ago. If your size is good for him, why should it not be good enough for you?

    A guy who is solely after the big meat is defining great sex as physics. He'll go cruising around, and try to hook up with the biggest cock on the fresh meat market. There is nothing wrong with this. This is what rocks his boat, so he goes for this.

    Your BF sees sex as chemistry and not physics. He wants to be topped by the guy he loves, and not by an anonymous piece of meat. So, give him what you have, coz that's who and what he wants.


  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Jul 29, 2014 4:11 PM GMT
    Whether or not you can be the top on a given night is more about where your head is than the size of your dick. Yes, you are absolutely right in thinking that larger guys can do some things that smaller guys find difficult, specifically the in and out of certain positions. It depends on the bottom's body position and how thoroughly he has gotten his legs and butt cheeks out of the way for your pelvis to press up to your arse. If the specific position you find challenging is his favorite, then yes, you may have a problem. But there are positions he can take that minimize that issue. Smaller guys get flustered but what you should be doing is laughing and experimenting and communicating! If you have the sexual desire to top him and he has the desire to bottom, stop worrying, though I know that is easier to say than do. You are not small and his perception of your size and length will affect his experience but trust me, it will not matter if he loves being with you. Top and bottom are mental things and some guys are vers, some are tops and some are bottoms. It has nothing to do with who's bigger!
  • frogman89

    Posts: 418

    Jul 29, 2014 4:43 PM GMT
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    Jul 29, 2014 5:17 PM GMT
    It just depends on who you are with. It sucks that some relationships require us to be total bottoms or total tops. Or guys that don't kiss also.
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    Jul 29, 2014 9:09 PM GMT
    Like silverrrcloud said ,,, its a mental thing really,,

    I've topped guys and I've got an average cock , and I've bottomed for guys who have average cocks , its really in the way bow you pump ur guy,
    Me personally I like a guy who will do me doggie or with my feet on his shoulders , I can really feel the action,
    But , keep on doing what ur doing ur vuy will. One to enjoy it all
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3162

    Jul 29, 2014 10:46 PM GMT
    For some guys it's length, for some it's girth, for others it's attitude. If you keep stressing, you'll never be able to actually enjoy the experience, and neither will your partner. Just because he can take you in easily doesn't mean that you're "too small" for him, it likely means he wanted you so badly and was already relaxed enough that he was ready for you. Take a chill pill and get to swinging that bat more!
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    Jul 29, 2014 11:04 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidLife ain't really a porn production. Your BF knows this, and you should, too. If your BF thought that you were too small for him he would have given you a rain check long time ago. If your size is good for him, why should it not be good enough for you?

    try to remember that.

    and try different positions. one has to work icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 29, 2014 11:39 PM GMT
    There is a song called "It Ain't The Meat, It's The Motion".

    It's been recorded by many people, including Maria Muldaur, and is available on YouTube and on Amazon mp3 downloads.

    In my experience, this is very true. It doesn't really how big you are (as long as it's not tiny). It depends on what you do with it.

    If you want to be a good top, you've got to learn that just "in and out" is not the most satisfying thing for most bottoms. You need to vary the speed, the rhythm, the direction... hit that prostate from several directions, or don't hit it at all sometimes.

    This takes time and practice to learn, and it's easier to learn if you and your partner are open and communicate with one another about what feels good and what doesn't.

    Another way to learn about "the motion" is to face-fuck your parter, if he is willing to let you. In other words, you be the "top" while he is giving you a BJ. You hold his head to control it, you insert and withdraw your cock at whatever speed, rhythm, and depth (mouth, throat, or deep throat) that feels good to you at the moment. Best to do this with you standing and him kneeling, so you have more control as a "top" during oral sex.

    You learn what pleases you as a top during oral sex, and this transfers to anal sex. You also learn what pleases your partner.
  • RMHunter

    Posts: 3

    Jul 30, 2014 11:04 AM GMT
    Thanks so much for all of these replies. I had wondered if it was just a case of having a lack of experience. I suppose I'm just frightened of making a fool of myself, but you're all correct, I've just got to constantly reassure myself that making mistakes is part of the fun process of getting to know what you and your partner enjoy. I'm sure you all remember the first few awkward experiences you had when trying something new... Even if things don't work out (and I really hope they will!) I know I've got so much more going for me than the size of part of my body that I can't change.
  • takashi

    Posts: 199

    Aug 07, 2014 7:13 PM GMT
    I am a total bottom.
    I've had big ones and small ones and everything in-between.
    I am not going to lie, big ones are nice.
    But I have a friend that is maybe a little bit smaller than you.
    His penis is on the smaller side but gets really hard!
    We are very comfortable with each other so he has no performance issues.
    The first time we had sex it took a while before he got really hard, I guess it was nerves.
    But when he got hard and entered me BOY did it feel good!!
    I could really feel him go through me.
    Really hard smaller cock is better than soft large cock for me.
    Just relax, hug and kiss and get comfortable and let your cock get hard!
    Your friend will appreciate your hard cock.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 07, 2014 9:30 PM GMT
    I'm sure penis size comes into it but I think it comes to more than that. I know irrespective of size (probs about average) I would suck as a top because you need a certain degree of confidence so I think confidence is probs more important.