Is Monogamy a joke?

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    Jan 11, 2009 11:18 AM GMT
    I know this has been discussed before on here but here it goes anyway...

    I was listening to Dan Savage. A married straight woman called in said she happened to look on Craigslist at the m4m and was shocked at the number of married guys traveling or whatever that were looking for blow jobs....

    I try to believe in monogamy...I love the idea of it, belonging to one person...but as I get older I completely understand why some involve themselves in open relationships...My sex drive is so much higher than my partners and it causes alot of problems...

    It seems so many relationships, gay, straight, whatever battle cheating and etc.... Are we fooling ourselves in thinking anyone will really be true to another, especially if their needs are not being met?

    And what if your out of town? It seems most guys think thats time to screw whoever they want and then go back home into the arms of the one they love as if nothing happened....I dont get it.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jan 11, 2009 4:10 PM GMT
    There are a lot of weak men out there, who couldn't comment if their life depended on it.

    Monogamy is not a joke, but there are a lot of guys that have no respect for it. Or maybe they just can't read icon_smile.gif Anyway be strong and find a strong man and all will be OK.
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    Jan 11, 2009 4:20 PM GMT
    I don't think monogamy is a joke but it is a personal preference. Regarding the Dan Savage/Craigslist content within the original post, if we think gay males have problems and a lot to contend with, walk a mile or two in a 21st century straight male's shoes: I can only imagine what they are going through nowadays. Talk about coping with the only constant being change...icon_neutral.gif
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    Jan 11, 2009 4:25 PM GMT
    I totally understand 'redbull'. This is something that I find myself thinking about a lot as well. I know I'm not cut out for an open relationship, but I often wonder if life-long monogamy is a realistic ideal to pursue. Hence, my hesitations and qualms when asked about my potential to get married someday. For as easily as some of us can fall in love, it frightens me that we can easily fall out of love as well.

    Me and my bf have been together just over a year now. (we actually met on realjock!) We are monogamous. We both work in the entertainment field and find ourselves working out of town for months at a time. This adds a lot of strain on our relationship. However, this has been one of the most intense and wonderfully positive relationships of my life so far. I find myself working very hard to sustain and make this relationship work. We both do.

    Ultimately, I think it comes down to being very clear about what each partner wants out of their lives and out of their relationship and being brutally honest with each other. The honesty part is the trickiest though, since one never wants to hurt the other by sharing something that might upset them. We always want to 'water down' the truth to soften the blow.

    I think all relationships require some form of sacrifice. When you can give something of yourself up, you are by default, adding something greater to the relationship. You are saying, "i love you so much, that i will give up 'xyz' to be with you and to make this work". I think that's the beauty of loving someone so much.

    So no, I don't think monogamy is a joke. I think it can be a great rollercoaster ride of 2 people being in love and sharing a life together. I think it fails easily though when partners are not honest about who they are as individuals, what they want to build as a couple and what means they are both going to take to achieve their goals.
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    Jan 11, 2009 5:04 PM GMT
    Yeah I agree with muchmorethanmuscle how the heck does one find the time? There are only 7 days in a week but maybe these people have some kind of less than 40 hour work week with little else requiring time/money obligationsicon_question.gif

    Maybe they need the slightest amount of resources and time to hook up or otherwise...

    AFTERTHOUGHT/EDIT:
    OK off subject here but being a bit snowed in now this has me thinking about people who fight in never-ending wars for thousands of years, endlessly battling over real estate in the name of religion, etc.: what the shit are you doing with your time and money during every damn week that allows you to keep that freaking schedule up, huh?
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    Jan 11, 2009 5:05 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle saidI don't see why things are so complicated with relationships. An ideal situation for me is a monogamous relationship. When I hear of reasons why men have to cheat or simply have their "side dishes" it simply doesn't resonate for me whatsoever.

    Some men get validation from having sex with a total stranger. I don't see how two people can grow together when both are actively seeking out active sex partners. With school work, maintaining a household, classes, gym and trying to get in my meals for the day I don't have much time for this type of poppycock. Adding someone to date to this mix would surely keep me busy from morning until evening. I can't fathom how people can date one person, go about their daily business, work and still find time to validate themselves through the process of hooking up with people that really don't care about them in the first place.


    An open relationship doesn't mean the two partners are spending the amount of distracting time you seem to presume in looking for outside sex. Not sure why you presume that.

    And as for getting "validation" from sex -- that's a pointless enterprise inside or outside a relationship.
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    Jan 11, 2009 5:15 PM GMT
    One of the first topics that a dating couple should discuss is monogamy versus open. If one guy is adamant about monogamy and the other does not believe in it, then go your separate ways. It will save a lot of grief later on.

    I personally have always wanted my boyfriends to talk to me beforehand about opening up the relationship. I have seen guys unwittingly contract STIs because their bf was cheating on them, and was too "chicken" to tell them.
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    Jan 11, 2009 5:24 PM GMT
    yes, and a very cruel but funny one.
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    Jan 11, 2009 5:39 PM GMT
    MuchMoreDon't get your panties all wadded up


    Follow your own advice. You spoke in negative generalities. But thanks for rephrasing it.

    And, no, I don't think people generally have sex in order to validate themselves. But I'm guessing you mean "validate" in a way different from my own understanding of it. I have sex to give and receive pleasure.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Jan 11, 2009 5:47 PM GMT
    Unless your partner just refuses to put out, can't you just jerk off?

    That's what I do...

    But then again, I'm not monogamous.

    icon_redface.gif
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    Jan 11, 2009 5:53 PM GMT
    Styrgan said:Unless your partner just refuses to put out, can't you just jerk off?

    That's what I do...


    Good point, man; so now that makes me wonder about this context of monogamy...when you stop having sex and/or being monogamous (regardless of how long you've been together) when does "partner" technically become "roomate" or even "affectionate roomate"?
  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    Jan 11, 2009 6:10 PM GMT
    styrgan saidUnless your partner just refuses to put out, can't you just jerk off?

    That's what I do...


    Exactly, just because you cant get some from you partner EVERY NIGHT, doesn't mean you go fuck behind there back. Have some fucking self control.

    I'm a 100% monogamous person. I never would, and never have cheated, or even though about cheating, on anyone i've been with.

    By reading some of these posts, kinda knocks my hopes down a little that I'll find someone who thinks the same way.
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    Jan 11, 2009 6:25 PM GMT
    Yeah here is the context issue as indicated in the original post:

    Redbull said especially if their needs are not being met?


    It may be the degree, not principle, being considered in this context of monogamy: what if your "partner" stopped having sex with you all together (let's say you have not had sex for years), aside from emergency/medical reasons, even after being together long term? Is this when you both have the "open relationship" discussion?
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    Jan 11, 2009 6:37 PM GMT
    but this is when i think a brutally honest conversation needs to be had....

    what do i NEED (not want) to be happy in this relationship? if a certain amount of sex is NEEDED and the other partner cannot give that, then the relationship needs to be assessed...we have to accept our personal needs and what we are willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship....

    this is where the sacrifice part comes up...what am i willing to give up to be with my partner? and what is not up for discussion? what can i not do without for the sake of my own happiness and how will that affect the state of the relationship?
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    Jan 11, 2009 6:43 PM GMT
    Really great points, Doodes26.icon_cool.gif
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    Jan 11, 2009 7:03 PM GMT
    better question is: "are open relationships a joke?". monogamy isn't a prison, u know, especially when there are no dependents involved; assuming you are not getting all that you personally need from it, why not be creative, as long as it's not done behind someone's back. consenting adults....
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    Jan 11, 2009 7:10 PM GMT
    i may not be understanding 'muchmorethan...' when you talk about validation.

    when i think about validation in regards to seeking sex, i take it to mean that one person is getting his self-worth/self-esteem validated by the fact that he is having sex with someone...it's a slippery slope that i think many gay men, but also some straight folk, fall into when they are battling self-esteem issues. i've definitely been in this situation...

    you feel good about yourself in the sexual moment, and then the pleasure fades and you start to feel bad and unattractive again until you find your next conquest....and then there are situations where one person's validation isn't enough...the fact that your partner is there wanting to go at it means nothing to you because you've already been validated by him..but you haven't been validated by the guy at the gym...etc etc....
  • Aquanerd

    Posts: 845

    Jan 11, 2009 7:42 PM GMT
    Not for those of us that practice it.
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    Jan 11, 2009 7:59 PM GMT
    this again
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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2009 8:13 PM GMT
    Why get into a relationship with someone when you have no intention of committing yourself to that person? What's the point in going behind there back for sex?



    Regards,
    -Monogamous Guy icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 11, 2009 8:33 PM GMT
    RyanReBoRn saidWhy get into a relationship with someone when you have no intention of committing yourself to that person? What's the point in going behind there back for sex?



    Regards,
    -Monogamous Guy icon_wink.gif


    I agree, but some couples are up front about not wanting to be monogamous and manage to make it work. I think both open and closed couples would agree that lying and cheating are not good for the relationship.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Jan 11, 2009 8:38 PM GMT
    TheWayItIs said
    JayneCobb said
    styrgan saidUnless your partner just refuses to put out, can't you just jerk off?

    That's what I do...


    Exactly, just because you cant get some from you partner EVERY NIGHT, doesn't mean you go fuck behind there back. Have some fucking self control.

    I'm a 100% monogamous person. I never would, and never have cheated, or even though about cheating, on anyone i've been with.

    By reading some of these posts, kinda knocks my hopes down a little that I'll find someone who thinks the same way.


    AMEN, JC...

    I am with you in that boat, as well. Now that I think about it, it doesn't knock down my hopes. It just makes me more aware of who I let near meicon_redface.gif.

    Styrgan...

    Are we trying to justify the REASONS for why you do what you do? If I ever had to lowered my self-esteem, dignity, as well as my integrity, to be with someone like you, an unexpected surprise breakfast would be awaiting you or any other "man" who lets the sun beat them home.

    So in my eyes, MONOGAMY is a complete JOKE.

    Monogamy falls along the lines of loyalty & with the kind of answers that some of us don't have to like but we deal with, that alone makes me realise that women can be trusted moreicon_razz.gif.


    What did I say now??

    I was defending monogamy. And please do not lower yourself by trashing monogamy on the basis of one or several people. You do a great disservice to yourself.

    From my reading of it, JC was agreeing with me mostly.

    When I said I was not monogamous, I was saying that I'm in an open relationship. I've never cheated on anyone, and I'm not against monogamy. I was not trying to justify either cheating or open relationships or anything else for that matter. I make the best decisions I can based of experience, and for the most part, they turn out very well.
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    Jan 11, 2009 8:52 PM GMT
    I like to think of commitment not towards a person or a time period, but towards myself. I'm committing to work on a relationship and continuing to sustain and deepen it. As for the working definition of commitment within any particular relationship, I'll decide that when I get there. I support people in making their own relationships as loving as possible, whether they jokingly refer to other ways of being with people or not.
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    Jan 11, 2009 8:59 PM GMT
    Styrgan...
    "I was defending monogamy. And please do not lower yourself by trashing monogamy on the basis of one or several people. You do a great disservice to yourself."

    Just as you put it. What "great disservice" am I doing to myself? And how am I lowering myself? Please clue me in..."Open" & "relationships" are two words that do not, in my eyes, belong in the same sentence. If you're gonna do that kind of thing, find someone else who is just an insecure with themselves to where they'll just settle for anyone who shows the SLIGHTEST bit of attention. And when it comes to "open relationships" I would rather be hung up on myself rather than have someone come home to me after the sun beats them home.

    I still stand by what I feel about monogamy: IT IS A COMPLETE JOKE & so is the very thought of gay men & loyalty. Gay men & Loyalty are a LOT like oil & vinegar...THEY DON'T MIX!
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    Jan 11, 2009 9:06 PM GMT
    TheWayItIs, have you read Gay Men's Friendships : Invincible Communities by Peter M. Nardi? I think it could really help you see the loyalty and commitment that exists amongst gay men as friends and as lovers. As well as how being gay allows for those separations of friends and lovers to get blurry.