What's the secret some guys have, to being able to find/make friends easier than others?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2014 4:11 AM GMT
    In the past month I've met like 4 new people. Only 1 I'm still chatting with, and we're dating actually. 2 of the guys, we hung out a couple of times or what not, but now they're being kinda flaky. They tell me they aren't going to the bar, but then their ass is at the fucking bar. 1 of them I already know seems to be unusually shy, or like he has a lack of confidence. The other dude I know, he is OVERLY popular in the gay scene. He knows everybody, everybody knows him (mainly from flag football). He recently got out of a few years relationship, and just kinda does his own thing.

    I have like 2 or 3 friends, but when I meet new people, it rarely lasts long. I usually don't become enemies with people, but it seems to just fizzle out. Part of it is at my own discretion, I know I'm different from many guys (in my own way, which I can't explain), but I'm just as fun if not more than anybody else. But yet, guys will do stuff, go to movies, etc. and not even invite me out. I always find out AFTER the fact. Or, it ends up being very last minute, or 'unsure' of. It's always me having to suggest stuff, in which case I get the reply, "oh I'm doing such and such with my friends". Well, what's so private about your friendship that I can't be included? It seems I'm always the one putting more effort into friendships than they do with me.

    One thing I don't tolerate for long, are friendships where a person just uses a person. Like the situation with my (now former) roommate, we were friends, until I realized he was just using me to couch surf. He uses all his friends for a place to live when he falls on hard times, which seems to be every 2 months. I was mad for once again allowing myself to be used by yet another illusion of a friendship, but all it ended up being was some codependent bullshit friendship. Those types tend to be good friends with me for awhile, until once I catch onto their antics, I kick them to the curb. HARD.

    So, anyone here super popular. Anyone not so popular? Why or why not? I was even considering joining the local gay flag-footie team in my area to build up more friends...but for various reasons, I decided I wasn't in the position to join. But at the same time, part of me likes to NOT be popular, because I don't like dealing with people's flakiness and non-committal psyches. Maybe one day when I'm older, I'll just have my boyfriend, and all this 'friend' and acquaintance bullshit will fall to the wayside.



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    Jul 30, 2014 5:19 AM GMT
    I have the same issue, but think of it like this -- in real life, would someone like you EVER consider someone like me a friend? Like seriously, imagine us hanging out and having a beer...

    It just wouldn't happen, even if we hit it off at work and shared a laugh or whatever, if I asked you to hang out you would, in all likelihood, say no thanks. Maybe even based on the fact that you'd be embarrassed to be seen with me in public.
    Maybe your friends feel somewhat threatened, or feel inferior to you. REMEMBER: ALL HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS ARE A THINLY-VEILED POWER-STRUGGLE. If you constantly win this struggle, it is no longer a struggle, but a conquest. I guess it's time for you to find mentally grown-up people like you with their heads on their shoulders.

    Not people like ME who carry on like children caught in an endless cycle of lashing out at others for their shortcomings.


    And that's the way I see things. Certain people just don't mesh. I don't think we're meant to be alone forever. In my case, I'm not sure if I'm ACTUALLY inferior to certain people, or if it's in my head -- or if I am inferior and it doesn't existentially matter. I don't know.
    Maybe this conflict that I'm aware of is why I don't make friends.

    All I DO know is that I feel I have to struggle to win people's favor, constantly. It's tiring and now I'm quite okay being a hermit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2014 7:06 PM GMT
    I really don't care about popularity. People come and people go. It's like I always say: I rather have 4 quarters than 100 penies. In other words, I rather have a few good intimate friends than a bunch of sorta kinda sometimes friends. Quality over quantity.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Jul 30, 2014 7:56 PM GMT
    You want to be realistic about the friendship these days.

    Most people I know have acquired their friends in HS/college. Once you graduated, and moved on, you somehow still cling onto this idea of your former HS/college dudes with whom you used to be such great friends.

    The truth is that the life has changed again. There is career, gym, trying to get laidicon_biggrin.gif, household, parents who may require your attention. The ole, good days of youth friendships are basically over. The sooner you recognize this the better it is.

    Now, your friends are much less of a mutual support network. They are people with whom you meet to do specific things. What holds your friendships is more the shared content than the notion that you deeply and genuinely like them. There are fewer secrets to share. It is more about sharing the cost of a dinner, trip or whatever the case may be than sharing the thrill of new discoveries.

    Blame it on the recent economic hardship or whatever but I have noticed that a number of people who have turned into common leeches is worrisome. I have been turning from kind to brutal in 0 sec flat far too often recently. The guys earned it, though.

    SC
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    Jul 31, 2014 3:15 AM GMT
    kevex saidI really don't care about popularity. People come and people go. It's like I always say: I rather have 4 quarters than 100 penies. In other words, I rather have a few good intimate friends than a bunch of sorta kinda sometimes friends. Quality over quantity.

    LOL, that's the best analogy I've heard in awhile. It makes sense. Sure people may have 100 friends of facebook, or at the local gay bar, but they're all just a bunch of pennies when you try and buy any time with them lol.

    Ajjax saidI have the same issue, but think of it like this -- in real life, would someone like you EVER consider someone like me a friend? Like seriously, imagine us hanging out and having a beer...

    well, how can I know if I would hangout, if your profile is hidden? lol.

    But since you asked...I'll elaborate to say 1 of the guys I "was" trying to get to know is 10 years older than me and of a different race. Maybe you'd see that as not wanting to hang with him, because of it. But I would...and have, gotten along with older guys who wouldn't 'seem' like I'd hang with. But, this guy in particular plays these bullshit games, strings me along, and it's just so silly. It's not like we haven't met before, or the attraction wasn't there.

    One of my friends told me, "well, it's a part of life. You never know what someone has going on in their life". Well, that's a good answer, but why they have to take it out on the next one? They say yes, yes, yes to hanging out, then flake. I mean, is that even normal, acceptable behavior? Whatever is going on, say it. Relationship problems, separated, taking a break? SAY IT. What is the big deal?