How to lessen my insecurities?

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    Jul 31, 2014 12:41 AM GMT
    I apologise profusely if my opening post resembles a rant or starts a flame war, though I hope it does not.

    My sexuality became clearly defined from a young age, even though in hindsight I never really knew how I would actually characterise myself. It only really seemed to impact my life when I entered an all boys secondary school. A lot of my "peers" quickly suspected I was not like them, which they often used against me. Being rather overweight and effeminate certainly made matters even worse. Such daily taunts really made me feel inadequate and worthless and simultaneously made me more resentful towards others.

    They would often use homophobic pejoratives directly against me, and in quite an aggressive manner. Luckily, it never really escalated beyond that. As soon as I turned 14 I decided to lose a substantial amount of weight ( around 30 kilos),which I successfully achieved. For a brief period, the bullying stopped. My self worth gradually increased. However, many soon turned towards another factor- race.

    As can probably be deduced from my photos, I am part Asian. Unlike with other mixed kids at my school, it was seen as a source of mockery. Being talked to in a mock Asian accent and students slanting their eyes became more prevalent. As well as being constantly asked what it felt like to have a "baby dick". "Pure" Asians treated me with even more contempt and a sense of paranoia. For example, I identify more strongly as an Asian, but they accused me of trying to "take their girls" since apparently a few of them thought I was rather cute. Gradually, I knew that no one would really want to accept me, and I still harbour similar sentiments today.

    Now applying my insecurities to the dating world, I feel terribly maladjusted and unable to even try and approach potential partners. On online sites, I have often been subject to further nasty comments. The most common being along the lines of "Sorry, but I don't date Asians", and other more malicious claims like " The only reason you're even remotely cute is because you're half white". It's as if my race has become a big issue in having relationships. And in real life, it seems to have an even bigger impact. It seems that only "rice queens" are capable in taking an interest in me. Even though they are never really explicit in their inclinations , they will often make remarks about how they love Asian culture and particular aspects. This creates the impression that they are only really seeing me from the lens of race, rather than for who I actually am.

    Upon introspection I hate to say it but I could not imagine myself as being in a relationship. As I have mentioned, not only do most men I've encountered reject me, but on a more subconscious level I feel not only deeply insecurity, but that a long term relationship would be simply unsustainable due to the emotional exhaustion that would likely ensue.
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    Aug 01, 2014 10:19 AM GMT
    I'm going to be totally blunt. If most men reject you, it's because you aren't that good-looking. And that's okay. Most men aren't that good-looking and deal with constant rejection. It really affects gay men because most of them start dating once they're well into their twenties and don't go through the experience of being rejected when they're young (unlike straight people). Also, believe it or not, but good-looking gays get rejected too. Everyone gets rejected.

    In regard to the race/ethnicity bit; if it makes you feel better, a white guy who is your equivalent (average-looking, etc.) gets rejected all the time too. They probably do have it a bit better though, because they probably have a better chance amongst other average-looking white guys than an average-looking Asian guys because there are cultural similarities and whatnot. Still, there are plenty of Asian guys who aren't complaining (I think homosuperior is one of the most hotlisted members on here?), so you don't need to worry about that.

    If you have low self-esteem, you shouldn't be looking at the race threads on here. Most people who post in them have hidden motives (if you look through them you'll notice that it's almost always the exact same people posting) and you probably shouldn't be on online dating sites either. People who say things like the only reason you're cute is because you're half white have insecurities of their own and are putting you down to make themselves feel better. I mean, it's pretty obvious.

    And there is racism on dating sites. Some (not all, or even most) profiles exhibiting generalized preferences and whatnot. The reality is that there is over 1 billion Asian guys - EVERY gay man on the planet will find at least some of them physically attractive. The reverse situation is statistically impossible. Just keep that in mind. A lot of gay men on the dating sites are bitter, a lot of them are weird. Try keeping away from those kinda sites while you build up your confidence. Also (no offense), but steer clear of the race threads on realjock too. I don't think you're emotionally ready for them. One day you'll realize that what other people say or think about you doesn't really matter.
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    Aug 01, 2014 2:10 PM GMT
    vandark19 said ... I could not imagine myself as being in a relationship. As I have mentioned, not only do most men I've encountered reject me, but on a more subconscious level I feel not only deeply insecurity, but that a long term relationship would be simply unsustainable due to the emotional exhaustion that would likely ensue.


    there is a lot of thought in this last statement.

    nice your giving it some time to build your life and the self confidence before being in a relationship. Its necessary to respect your first.