i think my boyfriend is cheating?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2009 7:52 PM GMT
    So my boyfriend is coming home late all the time, and wont say where he has been and when his phone rings he runs to another room to take the calls. When I bottom for him it doesnt feel like he is giving his all to me if you know what I mean. it used to be so tender and loving, and now he just rams me like I am a piece of meat. I am really upset about this and really do not know what to do. I love him with all my heart, and do not want to lose him, but I feel that exactly is what is happening. Please help me!

    Thanks!
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    Jan 11, 2009 9:32 PM GMT
    I'm no expert in terms of relationships, but I can tell from your post your unhappy from this post. If you feel you deserve an explanation and if you feel that something's up, the two of you should really sit down and talk things out. He may not even be cheating on you, maybe its something else.

    You won't get anywhere unless this topic is brought out into the open between the two of you. Don't assume the worse and try not to be too emotional, if you act on emotion without rational thought it could hurt the two of you and your relationship.

    I wish you the best trying to figure this all out. I'm sure more experienced guys on RJ who are in relationships could offer better advice if you don't agree with mine. Take Care.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jan 12, 2009 1:41 AM GMT
    Talk. The solution to every problem.

    /For all you know, he thinks you are the one cheating.
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    Jan 12, 2009 1:53 AM GMT
    DCEric saidTalk. The solution to every problem.

    /For all you know, he thinks you are the one cheating.


    exactly... if youre close enough to be having sex and refer to him as your boyfriend you should be able to talk this thru, if he has checked out emotionally you need to know and move on, it doesnt matter how much you love him, if he's ended it on his side, its over.
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    Jan 12, 2009 1:54 AM GMT
    KidDeception saidSo my boyfriend is coming home late all the time, and wont say where he has been and when his phone rings he runs to another room to take the calls. When I bottom for him it doesnt feel like he is giving his all to me if you know what I mean. it used to be so tender and loving, and now he just rams me like I am a piece of meat. I am really upset about this and really do not know what to do. I love him with all my heart, and do not want to lose him, but I feel that exactly is what is happening. Please help me!

    Thanks!



    ummm, talk to him but if he is. be prepared to deal with that with long term in mind. dont over react! well no... over react but dont take it to the point of no return (: if you plan on sticking to him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 2:01 AM GMT
    if you think he's cheating, he probably is. dump him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 2:15 AM GMT
    DTMFA

    People don't like conflict. It's easier for him to be passive and avoid you, than to be active and tell you the truth which would be uncomfortable for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 2:19 AM GMT
    Umm, haven't you already asked this question a couple of times over on connexions?
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    Jan 12, 2009 2:28 AM GMT
    Definitely talk to him.

    To prepare yourself, think about other aspects of your relationship. I mean, all you've told us is that he seems distant during sex, is coming home late and taking calls in private. But what else is going on in your life together? Are you constantly arguing? Are you distant not just during sex?

    You don't need to share any of that with us. Just saying to look at the wider picture to see what else may be part of it.

    Sometimes relationships go "stale" (that was my partner's word for it in our case). You take someone for granted, you always have time for others, you're more interested in being on RJ than spending time with him, he's more interested in whatever it is.

    Every relationship is going to have its challenges, and the trick isn't to trick or break up just because that's, supposedly, "easier".

    What you need to do is identify that this is happening and reverse it (and avoid the natural inclination to head into a downward spiral by reciprocating in kind. For example, if he neglected to compliment you on your new haircut... don't use that as an excuse to not go see the play he's in). Work harder on doing nice things even if they appear minor (make breakfast on the weekend, take him out on a "date"). Provide positive energy, activation energy, maybe he'll reciprocate that.

    But talking can cut through things a lot faster and is still required.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 3:46 AM GMT
    It's over. Plan the timing of the actual breakup to your best advantage, and make sure you don't lose any personal property.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Jan 12, 2009 4:09 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidIt's over. Plan the timing of the actual breakup to your best advantage, and make sure you don't lose any personal property.


    Plan the timing?? What does that mean? Keep him until after Valentine's Day??

    I don't know. Cheating is not an automatic end of a relationship. It is merely a violation of trust. Many people continue with (or come back to) someone who has cheated on them, for whatever reason.

    I would agree with alot of Caesarea's advice. The OP needs to remain positive and figure out what is going on without doing anything rash. Although, Kid, you should probably begin to prepare yourself emotionally for the worst case scenario.
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    Jan 12, 2009 4:14 AM GMT
    I hate to jump to conclusions, so if I were you I would ask myself a couple of questions:

    1. How long has this been going on? I know sometimes I just get irritated with my boyfriend, but it rarely lasts longer than a week. I guess it's kind of like a male menstrual cycle.
    2. Has anything else been going on recently? Has he had any problems at work or at school?

    Either of these could explain the preoccupation during sex. However, the phone calls and coming home late are unacceptable, in my opinion. I would say that you demand an explanation. If he won't give you one, then perhaps you need to end it.
    icon_sad.gif
    Good luck in whatever happens.
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    Jan 12, 2009 4:18 AM GMT
    styrgan said
    Red_Vespa saidIt's over. Plan the timing of the actual breakup to your best advantage, and make sure you don't lose any personal property.


    Plan the timing?? What does that mean? Keep him until after Valentine's Day??

    I don't know. Cheating is not an automatic end of a relationship. It is merely a violation of trust. Many people continue with (or come back to) someone who has cheated on them, for whatever reason.

    I would agree with alot of Caesarea's advice. The OP needs to remain positive and figure out what is going on without doing anything rash. Although, Kid, you should probably begin to prepare yourself emotionally for the worst case scenario.

    A "violation of trust" is the perfect reason a relationship should end. But, that's just how I would react. Betray me, and you're history; no delays, no excuses, no reprieves, you're out the door.

    You're prolly right that most people should not be as rash as I would be. There could be things to resolve, things that could be patched up.

    But I still think, once a cheater, always a cheater. And faith broken cannot ever be repaired, a betrayer never really trusted again.

    The only question here is whether the BF is actually cheating. I think it likely, but proof should be required. Then toss his ass out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 4:19 AM GMT
    Also, if you are having unsafe sex, that should probably end now. Obviously having safe sex is the best under any circumstances, but it's understandable that when you have a monogamous relationship and the two of you have tested negative that you would start not using a condom (I just want you to know that I'm not judging since I do the same thing). However, if you start questioning his fidelity, then you shouldn't be putting yourself at risk.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Jan 12, 2009 4:27 AM GMT
    Red-Vespa saidA "violation of trust" is the perfect reason a relationship should end. But, that's just how I would react. Betray me, and you're history; no delays, no excuses, no reprieves, you're out the door.


    I personally agree with you, Red.

    You sound like you're one of those guys who has your boyfriend under the threat of castration if he goes off too far?

    icon_smile.gif

    You still didn't explain the timing thing. That confused me a bit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 4:35 AM GMT
    If the sun beats him home...

    Cook him breakfasticon_cool.gif. When you get tired of his mess & the 'tude that goes with it, make sure you have some fried potatoes, sausages, eggs, bacon & toast. For the big score, make sure you have GRITS cooking on the stoveicon_eek.gif.
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    Jan 12, 2009 4:39 AM GMT
    styrgan said
    Red-Vespa saidA "violation of trust" is the perfect reason a relationship should end. But, that's just how I would react. Betray me, and you're history; no delays, no excuses, no reprieves, you're out the door.


    I personally agree with you, Red.

    You sound like you're one of those guys who has your boyfriend under the threat of castration if he goes off too far?

    icon_smile.gif

    You still didn't explain the timing thing. That confused me a bit.

    My partner is under no verbal threat, I've never even discussed this possibility with him. But that's what would happen, and I think he's adult enough to know it, and will never do it. Nor would I cheat on him, for that matter.

    As for timing, I meant for the injured party to drop the hammer at the most advantageous time. Play your cards close to your chest, don't telegraph your intentions until everything you need to do to protect yourself is in place first.

    No need to give the bastard time to react and take care of his own ass, and maybe hurt yours in the process. He's the cheat, not you, so let him suffer the consequences.

    That might mean finding a new place to live, scheduling moving trucks, whatever, all without his knowledge.

    "Oh, did I tell you I cancelled the lease? You recall it's in my name. You have to be out of here tomorrow. That's when the movers are taking my own stuff out. Your stuff? Maybe your new BF has room for it."

    I am totally ruthless with people who fuck with me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 4:43 AM GMT
    1. Talk

    2. Dump
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Jan 12, 2009 4:52 AM GMT
    Gotcha, Vespa. Not really ruthless. More pragmatic.
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    Jan 12, 2009 5:04 AM GMT
    It's always been my experience, if I'm asking the question...it's happening.icon_neutral.gif
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    Jan 12, 2009 5:06 AM GMT
    styrgan saidGotcha, Vespa. Not really ruthless. More pragmatic.

    Yes, I do like to think of myself as pragmatic, never dogmatic. But allow me a bit of ruthlessness in this regard... LOL!

    I just saw the 1991 movie L.A. Story, which has this line:

    "Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?"

    I don't know how true a statement that is, but I wonder if KidDeception hasn't really already formed an opinion, when he wrote the OP he did.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 5:08 AM GMT
    It's not looking good - but I've often heard that when a guy is cheating the sex dries up, so perhaps there's hope. As the other guys have said there needs to be some direct communication about this. Don't start with, "Are you cheating?" but rather describe to him what you've noticed and tell him how it affects you. Holding thumbs for you, Kid, that there is no Deception.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 12, 2009 3:22 PM GMT
    Look ... whether or not the guy's cheating you're going to have to ask yourself if you're happy

    If the answer is No
    Then what the hell does him boinking other guys have to do with it?
    If the answer is Yes
    Then you need to sit down and have a serious talk with this guy
    It doesn't sound like you like the way you're living with this guy to me
    so I'd end it if I were you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 3:30 PM GMT
    is the guy he's cheating with hot? maybe you should be sharing him.

    Im just saying...
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    Jan 12, 2009 3:34 PM GMT
    26mileman saidIt's always been my experience, if I'm asking the question...it's happening.icon_neutral.gif


    ...agreed. Talk to him just to be sure, but my guess is he'll get really defensive. Or get mad. How dare you question him, right? Play the trust card. Which is a joke, because he's not exactly showing himself to be trustWORTHY.

    In any case, be prepared to kick him to the curb. You're better off without him, and deserve someone who will not lie to you and treat you well. Best of luck!