Re-entering dating after long absense

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 06, 2014 5:05 PM GMT
    For five years, I was put dating on hold while I took care of my disabled mom. I provided all her care and put myself on the back burner. However, things suddenly changed in January of this year, when my mom passed away at the age of 58. After the long grieving process (to which I am still going through to some degree), I decided that I needed to re enter the dating world again. My mom wanted me to find a partner and she didn't like that I put my life on hold. How does one just go back to dating and meeting people after such a long absense? I don't go to bars because I am just not into it. I am a nerd and prefer staying home honestly. I have resorted to apps like GRINDR and others but I find they only want sex and not dating. Any suggestions? Honestly, I sometimes feel like my best years are behind me.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Aug 06, 2014 5:17 PM GMT
    Your 'best years' are only behind you if you live your life that way. On the contrary, I'd say they are yet to come.

    I haven't dated in so long (decades) I can't begin to answer your question other than to suggest you use the apps and sites (like ok cupid, plenty of fish, etc.) *and* try and find some IRL social networking.

    Here in the SF Bay Area, for example, there is something called Discovery. They've been around since I was your age and when I participated and volunteered with them I found them very useful for meeting men and actually getting to know them. The sad thing is that organizations like this don't create 'models' that can be adopted by and adapted to other geographic communities. I suggested this over 20 years ago but no one even wanted to think about creating a national non-profit umbrella for such organizations. Something desperately needed in the gay world, IMO.
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    Aug 06, 2014 5:23 PM GMT
    KApparition said... Honestly, I sometimes feel like my best years are behind me.
    You're absolutely correct. Your best years will always be behind you, because we only live in the present...the "now" moment.

    If you want your next "now" moment to be better than your past, you have to make it that way. "But how," you ask? Every suggestion people give to you is merely their own experience of what worked for them. You'll have to find what works for you. Just know that it can be done if you want it bad enough.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Aug 06, 2014 5:34 PM GMT
    Try thinking of it as a new you. Join a gym. Change your look. Get a tan. Raise your energy level. I know nerdom is fashionable in some ways but it has limitations in the dating world. Put down your video games and comics and get out and about. Meet people. And yes, stay away from Grindr. But do check out guys here and on other sites that are more about dating. Have fun and you'll meet someone with the same sense of fun.
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    Aug 06, 2014 5:40 PM GMT
    Destinharbor said... Put down your video games and comics ...
    Blasphemy!

    However, I do think Borderlands 2 is funner than WoW, and can't wait for Borderlands The Pre-Sequel which comes out in November. Oh, and GTA V rocks.
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    Aug 06, 2014 5:46 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidTry thinking of it as a new you. Join a gym. Change your look. Get a tan. Raise your energy level. I know nerdom is fashionable in some ways but it has limitations in the dating world. Put down your video games and comics and get out and about. Meet people. And yes, stay away from Grindr. But do check out guys here and on other sites that are more about dating. Have fun and you'll meet someone with the same sense of fun.



    Put down my comic books??? LOL I don't think I can.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Aug 06, 2014 8:04 PM GMT
    KApparition said
    Destinharbor saidTry thinking of it as a new you. Join a gym. Change your look. Get a tan. Raise your energy level. I know nerdom is fashionable in some ways but it has limitations in the dating world. Put down your video games and comics and get out and about. Meet people. And yes, stay away from Grindr. But do check out guys here and on other sites that are more about dating. Have fun and you'll meet someone with the same sense of fun.



    Put down my comic books??? LOL I don't think I can.

    lol Ya keep doing what you're doing you're gonna get the same result!
  • metta

    Posts: 39091

    Aug 06, 2014 8:56 PM GMT
    Maybe try

    http://www.okcupid.com

    http://www.onegoodlove.com


    and possibly join a local lgbt organization in something that interests you.


    Hold onto those comic books...
    http://bent-con.org/


    https://www.facebook.com/BENTCON
  • TDSmoove

    Posts: 130

    Aug 06, 2014 9:12 PM GMT
    You don't have to change the essence of who you are to date man. Just be open to and involve yourself in in different experiences. There are plently of gaymers and nerds out there that you could hang with (I'm one as well). Check out social clubs that you're interested in and I'll bet there's gonna be a few guys there that are gay and willing to hang with you. I'm not a bar guy either, but I have gone with friends and just by hanging out I've met some realy cool guys there. Nothing sexual, not dates, but friends are always a good way to start.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 06, 2014 9:40 PM GMT
    First get a Mountain bike...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 06, 2014 11:58 PM GMT
    KApparition saidFor five years, I was put dating on hold while I took care of my disabled mom. I provided all her care and put myself on the back burner. However, things suddenly changed in January of this year, when my mom passed away at the age of 58. After the long grieving process (to which I am still going through to some degree), I decided that I needed to re enter the dating world again. My mom wanted me to find a partner and she didn't like that I put my life on hold. How does one just go back to dating and meeting people after such a long absense? I don't go to bars because I am just not into it. I am a nerd and prefer staying home honestly. I have resorted to apps like GRINDR and others but I find they only want sex and not dating. Any suggestions? Honestly, I sometimes feel like my best years are behind me.



    I was married for 20 years so the whole dating world changed while I was absent. I didn't think I had a chance in hell to ever date again at my age.

    There is no secret to it. You have got to put yourself out there and make yourself desirable and interesting to others. Sounds like you need to retrain yourself of your shut in behavior. If social behavior seems awkward right now then just copy the behavior of others. Take classes on whatever and join meet -up groups. If I can learn to rock climb at my age so can you. It's never been more easier to be social than now.
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    Aug 07, 2014 12:05 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidFirst get a Mountain bike...
    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 07, 2014 12:32 AM GMT
    im not into the "scene" so i use the apps or sites.. theres no good way for meeting guys :s but there r still good guys on these apps.. It takes patience and a lot of filtering out the bad ones xP plenty of fish is very dating oriented... or try eharmony icon_biggrin.gif dating sites r better for dating compare to just apps in my opinion.

    if those dont work, you can try volunteering at some non-profit LGBTQ organizations icon_smile.gif its about making connections with nice people that can in turn introduce you to other nice people that you would be attracted to icon_razz.gif go where there is a large concentration of gay guys (not at places that scream "hookups" like bars or clubs.
  • BlackCoach

    Posts: 37

    Aug 07, 2014 2:57 AM GMT
    I understand the sacrifice of taking care of a loved one. I took care of my dad the last 6 months of his life doing hospice care. So my thoughts and prayers are with you. As far as dating, you will have to go through some guys to find a good one. I say 95 % of guys are not date worthy. Too many lack communication skills or just want sex on the first meeting. Grindr and most so called gay dating apps are really just for hookups. however it is healthy to get out and have some fun. Maybe that should be your focus at first and then worry about meeting that special someone!

    Good luck!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 07, 2014 6:03 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your loss man. As for dating, I've the same problem. Well just keep an open mind, go out, mingle, bars can be fun too if you're into it. I use Grindr, OKC and CL and there were some good dates I got from it in the past. Urg, keep moving forward, never suspense your dating love life.
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Aug 07, 2014 6:19 AM GMT
    First sorry for your loss you never get over a loss of a Mother. Take things slowly and do not rely too much on dating sites gay as most want a quickie.. Joining a gym is a good idea take care.
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    Aug 07, 2014 3:22 PM GMT
    Wow. Sorry for the loss of your mom. The fact that you stepped up and took good care of her is a good indicator of your character. There are some great guys out there who would be happy and lucky to meet you. A lot of very good advice above me here. I have a few more suggestions for meeting new people. Here's what has worked for me whenever I've been single and ready to meet new guys. I've met them by getting out and joining groups, including:

    * My alumni association. There are reunion activities; football game tailgate or t.v. parties; faculty lectures and brunches; dinners and other things where you'll meet other alums from your school.

    * Through your friends. Let them know you'd be receptive to meeting quality guys that they might know. You never know who has a friend or cousin, or neighbor that might be just right for you.

    * At your office. While we never want to 'fish off the company pier' we can still meet guys from other departments or divisions in a company......or guys from other companies we might deal with. Use appropriate care here, so you don't do anything that could jeopardize your career.

    * At the gym, or out running, swimming, playing tennis, or doing volunteer work.

    * At your church. If you go to a good one that embraces gay people, there might be some really cool people to meet. They in turn, have friends and associates you could meet.

    * Finally - at a Starbucks or Peet's Coffee (or any outdoor coffee place). If you can get or borrow a friendly dog, just get to one of these places - alone if you want, with a book. If you and the dog look approachable, people WILL come up to you to chat about the dog. (I'm not single anymore but this still happens to me almost every single time I'm with my dog). Seriously - - people who wouldn't have a reason to talk to me, do so because of the dog!

    Good luck. A quality guy like yourself should be all set to have fun, meet people and have a happy future!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 07, 2014 5:56 PM GMT
    A guy who would put his life on hold to take care of a sick loved one is quite a catch!

    Set your standards high. Only guys of the highest quality are worthy of someone like you.
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    Aug 08, 2014 1:30 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidA guy who would put his life on hold to take care of a sick loved one is quite a catch!

    Set your standards high. Only guys of the highest quality are worthy of someone like you.


    But our community doesn't value that. They value youth over character
  • metta

    Posts: 39091

    Aug 08, 2014 2:27 PM GMT
    Dallasfan824 said
    UndercoverMan saidA guy who would put his life on hold to take care of a sick loved one is quite a catch!

    Set your standards high. Only guys of the highest quality are worthy of someone like you.


    But our community doesn't value that. They value youth over character


    Thankfully, 'our community' is a diverse community.
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    Aug 08, 2014 3:07 PM GMT
    metta8 said
    Dallasfan824 said
    UndercoverMan saidA guy who would put his life on hold to take care of a sick loved one is quite a catch!

    Set your standards high. Only guys of the highest quality are worthy of someone like you.


    But our community doesn't value that. They value youth over character


    Thankfully, 'our community' is a diverse community.


    It's not that diverse. It's no more diverse than any other. It just has it's own set of unique characteristics
  • metta

    Posts: 39091

    Aug 08, 2014 4:00 PM GMT
    Dallasfan824 said
    metta8 said
    Dallasfan824 said
    UndercoverMan saidA guy who would put his life on hold to take care of a sick loved one is quite a catch!

    Set your standards high. Only guys of the highest quality are worthy of someone like you.


    But our community doesn't value that. They value youth over character


    Thankfully, 'our community' is a diverse community.


    It's not that diverse. It's no more diverse than any other. It just has it's own set of unique characteristics


    I respectfully disagree. I don't know of another group that is as diverse as the gay community. We are represented in every part of society: every ethnic group, every age group, every income level, every interest group, etc. The only group we are not represented in is straight (excluding closeted and bisexual people that are married to the opposite sex).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2014 4:48 PM GMT
    metta8 said
    Dallasfan824 said
    metta8 said
    Dallasfan824 said
    UndercoverMan saidA guy who would put his life on hold to take care of a sick loved one is quite a catch!

    Set your standards high. Only guys of the highest quality are worthy of someone like you.


    But our community doesn't value that. They value youth over character


    Thankfully, 'our community' is a diverse community.


    It's not that diverse. It's no more diverse than any other. It just has it's own set of unique characteristics


    I respectfully disagree. I don't know of another group that is as diverse as the gay community. We are represented in every part of society: every ethnic group, every age group, every income level, every interest group, etc. The only group we are not represented in is straight (excluding closeted and bisexual people that are married to the opposite sex).


    Sorry. I didn't mean it from that perspective
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2014 7:22 PM GMT
    Dallasfan824 said
    UndercoverMan saidA guy who would put his life on hold to take care of a sick loved one is quite a catch!

    Set your standards high. Only guys of the highest quality are worthy of someone like you.


    But our community doesn't value that. They value youth over character


    All the bad crap we believe of the gay community can just as easily be said of the straight.

    Anyway at my age the OP IS young AND has character to boot. If I was single I'd be contacting him for a date.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2014 5:09 AM GMT
    ultimately, you can't meet people without actually meeting people. sounds ridiculous, but think about that the next time you spend hours on Grindr or some other hook-up app/website.

    So how do you socialize? Do something you like. Lots of people join sports, or gym, or clubs. I have a friend who's into LARPing and gaming, and go figure there's a gay LARPing and gay "gaymers" club here in Toronto.

    Making friends is the best way to expand and meet other people who you might want to date and get to know better.

    Baby steps. Don't expect to find the love of your life right away. Just start with making some good friends and figuring out who you are and who you like.

    Have fun, and good luck!