Just need to vent...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2014 6:00 AM GMT
    Hey guys long time poster, but I made this account just to vent some. Its about something I have never talked about on here because I've been to afraid to.

    For many years I was a victim of domestic abuse. I was with a man who would beat me on a monthly basis and for whatever reason I allowed him to do so. I guess at the time, it was something I felt was "normal" and something I felt I "deserved". Time after time I gave him excuses to do what he did, and time after time I forgave him for what he did. He would literally have me on the ground and beat me to a bloodly pulp. I would get up and cry for a night, and then forgive him. Don't ask me why, it's an issue I struggle with till this day.

    After about 5 years of this I forgave him but by this time he had moved on. It's been a story I've been reluctant to share and today only confirmed why.

    I was out drinking with some friends and one friend in particular knew that my ex had abused me. He then gave me a lecture on how I should have had a 401K and that I should have already been saving for my retirement. I tried to reason with him that at 20 years old, I at the time, did not realize that I was going to be a victim of dometic violence and that I didn't plan on my financial future or retirement at such a young age. I felt that he he kinda rolled his eyes at me even though I brought up that I literally left my ex with nothing in my pocket but a hope and a prayer.


    I started a new life, with nothing to my name. I had no friends, no job, no home. But he still kinda shrugged it off as if I was just moving across town for a new job.

    Tonite has only made my more cautious as to who I tell my story to. I feel male victims of domestic violence aren't taken as serious as women.


    While I was younger, it was an issue that I never understood. I never understood how someone could let themselves be abused so much. As I got older I finally grew to understand that domestic abuse is a much more complicated issue than what most hear. Talking to my friend who I thought who be less judgemental turned out the opposite. Now, I'm even more afraid to open up. It has only confirmed that this is my fault and makes me more embarrased to share my story.

    I don't really know what to feel now...
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    Aug 10, 2014 6:10 AM GMT
    That's sucks man. I hope you can overcome this successfully and have a great life in the long run.
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    Aug 10, 2014 6:12 AM GMT
    I'm trying to just shrug this off. But TBH, I have tears in my eyes right now.

    I beat myself up everyday for letting some asshole treat me like shit for 5 years. I don't need someone else doing the job for me. I felt as a friend he should know this. I can forgive him. But it makes me more cautious of who open up to.

    And the cycle of silence continues....icon_cry.gif
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    Aug 10, 2014 7:28 AM GMT
    I'm really sorry you went through all of this, and you're right that male victims of domestic abuse don't get much sympathy or attention in our society. I hope you can forgive yourself and remind yourself whenever you start to beat yourself up that you were doing your best with the resources you had at that time. When you're 20 you know basically nothing about life and it's not that difficult to get into some crappy situations. Your friend sounds judgmental and his comments about the 401(k) were weird in my opinion. I would consider this to be good information about your friend ... you now know that he's not particularly sympathetic or insightful. There are other people who would have been much more sympathetic and really understood what you were saying, but this guy wasn't one of them. So, as you continue to learn through living your life you'll gain an ability to know who you can trust with this information and who you can't ... you're right that you should be very selective about who you tell this to. Always keep things in perspective, and try to counter bad interactions or thoughts with good ones ... when you start to beat yourself up actively confront the thoughts, refute them, and then remind yourself about your strengths and talents.
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    Aug 10, 2014 9:17 AM GMT
    Thanks guys. I actually just spent some time with another friend of mine, and feel much better now. Even though we didn't talk about the abuse thing, he took my mind off my worries for a few hours, and that has made all the difference.

    I guess he just caught me in a moment of weakness. Sometimes when I tell my story, I feel it's hard for people to comprehend what exactly I went through. They don't understand how I could stay with such a monster. And I don't blame them. I really was put through the ringer emotionally and physically with my ex. I was violently abused by him to the point of having him arrested on several occasions. I had a gun pointed at me, and he threatened to kill himself or me if I ever left. I was more or less with him out of fear than anything the last few years of our "relationship".

    I just wish the stigma on gay domestic abuse wouldn't be so bad. Sometimes, I just need a few kind words to tell me that it's not my fault, even though I sometimes still feel it is....icon_neutral.gif
  • being_human

    Posts: 152

    Aug 10, 2014 12:11 PM GMT
    sorry to hear so. its good to let it out, I tell u that. and internet being more anonymous makes it simpler. the sites that help and let victims of abuse speak out can be an alternative therapy. if you havent, sign in in one of those online communities. I ws a victim of abuse and it certainly never gets easier, but we certainly get stronger each day.
    t c
  • BlackCoach

    Posts: 37

    Aug 10, 2014 12:33 PM GMT
    Glad that you are moving forward. You have to love yourself first.
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    Aug 10, 2014 12:55 PM GMT
    If you truly wish to get your life on track, I suggest seeing a professional so that you can get the care and guidance necessary for quality healing. You're got so much to gain. Go see someone who's trained in the area so that you use your time effectively. You deserve so much.
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    Aug 10, 2014 1:09 PM GMT
    Glad you finally got the courage to open up and share this darkest part of your life. It's the beginning of a healing process.

    Just because one friend didn't respond well to your sharing doesn't mean that others will be the same. Don't shrink back. I hope you find someone trustworthy and understanding to help should your burden so you don't feel alone anymore.

    Don't ever think that you deserve to be abused ever again. You DON'T deserve it. You deserve to be treated as a dignified human being. Get a professional help if you need to. I hope you can deal with it, put it behind, and finally move on.
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Aug 10, 2014 1:14 PM GMT
    Oh Boy this was and is bad news I am so sorry for your tragic experience and at a young age?

    As for me the first slap from a b/f and I am out the door!
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    Aug 10, 2014 1:58 PM GMT
    Your comment that you eventually forgave your ex struck me as unusual. I wonder if he asked for it with conviction (a prerequisite I'm my opinion). I also suspect that someone who experienced what you did almost certainly requires professional counselling not only to help work through the issues but most importantly to learn how to recognize and stop any relationship that is abusive. You didn't say if you sought counselling but I hope so.

    As for your friend you should consider the issue from his perspective as well. Were his comments, admittedly hurtful, made out of a spirit of concern and hurt on your behalf or rather smug and unsympathetic thoughtlessness. In any event you should tell him how his comments made you feel.

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    Aug 10, 2014 2:01 PM GMT
    I'm sorry you have to go through this.

    I don't think you should be silent about it, but I do think you need to make sure it doesn't define you.

    I don't think people understand abuse isn't about being hit. Its about all the control that goes on around that moment, and that's much worse.

    At the same time, unless you have been through it or know a lot about the topic, most people do not want to discuss it (male or female). Maybe you should find a therapist or support group so you have a safe place to talk about these feelings and work through them?

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    Aug 10, 2014 2:15 PM GMT
    sunjbill saidSorry to hear about all this. I think talking about it shows that you now have the courage to confront it head on, and most importantly, the courage to forgive yourself for letting it happen and for making you feel embarrassed to talk about it. Now you can start the healing and understand that the one abused is only at fault because they let someone else have power over them. Confronting it now means you have the power. Good luck and be well.


    Sorry to say but the friend you mentioned was more judge mental then he ain't no friend, a true friend would be some one who is willing to help no matter what.

    It's good to open up and talk about what has hurt us in our lives, I go to counseling twice a month to clear up my mind and find help for my past issues I struggle with.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Aug 10, 2014 3:18 PM GMT
    wow, i am sorry to hear about your story buddy. that is so sad. i think your friend was a asshole. who the hell talks about a 401k after hearing something like that. i would have offered you a place to stay until you were able to get on your feet.
    we all go through horrible things. sometimes talking about it helps. do you have family you can turn to?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 10, 2014 3:53 PM GMT
    This is a familiar story and it comes from all communities, m/m, m/f, f/f. And wives beating husbands. There is a specific psychology to it and if you're not careful, likely to repeat the pattern. And not just physical beatings. Mental ones, too. I'm a bit confused about your 401k story. Was he trying to sell you something? If he was, he's another abuser you're attracted to. Anyway, You should get some professional help. Enough is known about this syndrome that a good psychologist really can help (and I don't usually have much good to say about that industry). If you don't, you are very likely to repeat it. If you can't afford private sessions, try your local municipal health services. They can direct you to resources. I know it is kind of embarrassing, but it may be the most important thing you'll ever do in your life. Do it, man, and good luck.
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    Aug 10, 2014 3:59 PM GMT
    TURKISHDELIGHTS saidOh Boy this was and is bad news I am so sorry for your tragic experience and at a young age?

    As for me the first slap from a b/f and I am out the door!


    That's exactly what I thought at first too!!!!

    But once the cycle got started, it was hard to stop...

    icon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gif
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    Aug 10, 2014 4:02 PM GMT
    Again, thanks for the comments.

    I had time to sleep on it and am not as angry as I was last nite. I plan on hanging out with my friend today and will bring it up. I'm sure he didn't mean it to be hurtful. It's just a situation he didn't know how to respond to.

    And yes, I did seek counseling after our break up, but that was almost 2 years ago. Perhaps I should make another visit. A few things in my life have been triggering flashbacks to this time in my life, and I don't like being reminded of it.
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    Aug 10, 2014 4:04 PM GMT
    I totally concur with you mate , i have a good mate of mine who is verbally and physically abused by his wife , both are on their late 20's and want to have a child .
    I and other had and still tell him to report her to the authorities , He says he loves her and he also is afraid of what people would think of him .
    Verbal and physical abuse to another human being (male or female) , should be more strictly punished .
    You have recognise the facts , and it for sure is the most important step to go forward in your life . You are still young , and have all your life in front of you to find happiness ..
    Best of luck to you mate .
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    Aug 10, 2014 4:08 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidThis is a familiar story and it comes from all communities, m/m, m/f, f/f. And wives beating husbands. There is a specific psychology to it and if you're not careful, likely to repeat the pattern. And not just physical beatings. Mental ones, too. I'm a bit confused about your 401k story. Was he trying to sell you something? If he was, he's another abuser you're attracted to. Anyway, You should get some professional help. Enough is known about this syndrome that a good psychologist really can help (and I don't usually have much good to say about that industry). If you don't, you are very likely to repeat it. If you can't afford private sessions, try your local municipal health services. They can direct you to resources. I know it is kind of embarrassing, but it may be the most important thing you'll ever do in your life. Do it, man, and good luck.


    No he wasn't trying to sell me something. I took at as a lecture on how if I would have saved up and had a 401K or large savings, and shouldn't have had the same bank account, car, etc..then this whole thing wouldn't have happened.

    But once again, I was young, and hindsight is always 20/20. Don't ask me why I stayed with an abuser so long. It's something I still don't fully understand till this day. I didn't need one more person putting even a little blame on my side, I do that enough to myself already....icon_cry.gif
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Aug 10, 2014 4:14 PM GMT
    What you're feeling is the same kind of emotional trauma and stigma that male rape survivors feel. They think that by bring open about what happened that people will think that they are less of a man. Finding professional help and a group of other survivors would be very helpful for your healing. And as it has been said, friends who judge you or blame you are not your friends.


    On another note, even though you're still young I hope you opened up a 401k! Best of luck to you.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 10, 2014 4:36 PM GMT
    Aquaman1 said
    Destinharbor saidThis is a familiar story and it comes from all communities, m/m, m/f, f/f. And wives beating husbands. There is a specific psychology to it and if you're not careful, likely to repeat the pattern. And not just physical beatings. Mental ones, too. I'm a bit confused about your 401k story. Was he trying to sell you something? If he was, he's another abuser you're attracted to. Anyway, You should get some professional help. Enough is known about this syndrome that a good psychologist really can help (and I don't usually have much good to say about that industry). If you don't, you are very likely to repeat it. If you can't afford private sessions, try your local municipal health services. They can direct you to resources. I know it is kind of embarrassing, but it may be the most important thing you'll ever do in your life. Do it, man, and good luck.


    No he wasn't trying to sell me something. I took at as a lecture on how if I would have saved up and had a 401K or large savings, and shouldn't have had the same bank account, car, etc..then this whole thing wouldn't have happened.

    But once again, I was young, and hindsight is always 20/20. Don't ask me why I stayed with an abuser so long. It's something I still don't fully understand till this day. I didn't need one more person putting even a little blame on my side, I do that enough to myself already....icon_cry.gif

    You are not to blame in any way. Glad to hear you got some professional help. And I agree with you that a refresher is a good idea. Trauma takes a while to heal.
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    Aug 10, 2014 4:48 PM GMT
    Aquaman1 said

    And yes, I did seek counseling after our break up, but that was almost 2 years ago. Perhaps I should make another visit. A few things in my life have been triggering flashbacks to this time in my life, and I don't like being reminded of it.

    You can still benefit from seeing a therapist. The normal pattern for someone in your position, if no major changes are made, is to choose to be with another abusing, violent, or controlling partner.
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    Aug 10, 2014 5:03 PM GMT
    Getcho crew and go kick his ass.
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    Aug 10, 2014 5:21 PM GMT
    It's easy for someone to say it's your fault. But you said it before; the situation is complicated. I agree with posters that you shouldn't be silent about it. There are likely other people who are still in the position you were once in. Perhaps you can help those people get the strength to leave such circumstances.
  • ScandalFan

    Posts: 55

    Aug 10, 2014 8:08 PM GMT
    Please see a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse. There are specific hot lines for this, and if you have a LGBT Center in your community, they might have some suggestions as well. Look for a therapist where you feel you have a trust bond, and it is easy to talk to them.

    The only way you will heal this horrible event, is to find someone to help you. You cannot do this by yourself. It is not too late to be who you want to be.

    It might not be too late for legal action as well, depending on the state where you live.

    My best wishes for you to move forward with your life.It is not an easy journey, but with some help, you can move forward.

    “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~C.S. Lewis