Can't Stay Aroused When Boyfriend Bottoms

  • GershMcGee

    Posts: 6

    Aug 12, 2014 3:10 AM GMT
    Hi guys.

    Thanks in advance for your help. I'm a little desperate.


    I'm 24, kinda heavy set, nerdy type of guy. Easy going, to myself for the most part. But within the last two months, I entered into my first romantic relationship. We were bothy pretty shy about it, as we had similar experience levels in romance and sex (little to none). He's bi, I'm gay. We both really like each other. We have similar interests, we like being around each other, we can hold mildly intelligent conversations, we are both fond of cuddling, blah blah blah. So, for the most part, we're content being with each other.

    However, sex is one-sided, but neither of us want it to be. And it is becoming extremely frustrating in how helpless we both feel.

    I always easily imagined myself as a top, imagining a guy bottoming for me while I masturbated to porn or whatever. It seemed like I would be a primarily top vers.

    When I started doing sexual stuff with my new boyfriend, I started primarily as a bottom because of his preference, learning that it's actually really fun. I haven't felt discomfort or anything when he tops me, and it's been pretty dang fun and intense.

    The problems came when he asked me to top for him eventually. He's asked me maybe 3 or 4 times now, and I haven't been able to stay aroused at all...

    I am super hard whenever we make out, he's giving me head, or especially while I'm giving him head. But when he offers himself to me, and I move closer to those willing hips raised in the air (we've also tried other positions, of course) I become only half erect at best. And then it starts to become more flaccid from there.

    I haven't been able to get hard while he's topping me either, but I think that's mostly because I'm not focusing on myself at all.

    When I attempt to top him, I don't decrease in excitement or horniness, I just can't seem to maintain an erection. It's almost like magic the way it inexplicably goes down.


    I don't think it's a physical problem due to an disease or illness I have because I'm able to get rock hard in most other sexual circumstances with him. Thus I'm led to believe it's something psychological?

    I've been trying to do some psyche-searching, but haven't come up with any viable answers. I don't think I'm a closet heterosexual, as I have plenty of pleasant dreams about gay stuff, love gay porn, and I get super hard when I give the guy head for goodness sake.


    So, that's my problem. If any of you could share some theories, advice, similar stories, or even some potential farfetched remedies, I'd be supremely appreciative.


    Thanks again, in advance, for your guys' help!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 12, 2014 3:56 AM GMT
    Maybe you're just not into topping. Some are, some aren't.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    Aug 13, 2014 11:34 PM GMT
    tell him to sit on your morning wood when you are sleeping.

    alternatively, assuming you are dealing with condoms, you might have issues with that, a lot of guys do. Try a femidom if you are, then you can plunge right in.

    or just change your grinder to BOTTOM like every else lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2014 11:42 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidMaybe you're just not into topping. Some are, some aren't.

    This is true. First-time tops are sometimes not that into it. It's strange for you, icky, whatever. Not to mention performance anxiety.

    See your doctor about Viagra. Once you have a great top experience you may stay hard all on your own. Confidence is a wonderful stiffener.

    Or else you're not into THIS particular guy. There's no cheating with your Peter Meter. I can top with the best of them, but with a guy I'm not really into... Limpville.

  • Aug 15, 2014 12:17 AM GMT
    Hoestly I had this problem once, It was actually because I was not really attracted physically to the person (hope your man does not read into it that much) even though I was emotionally attracted to them. Plus my secret is that it is their orgasm that does it for me, nothing turns me on more then that. Sometimes it helps to play with them first, I would give them head from behind them and that would make me hard. So if they were on all fours, I would reach between their legs and grab their dick and point it back at me, put on a lobster bib and go to town. When I was hard enough I would then go for the gusto. (sorry to be so blunt and descriptive in my post but it took me years to discover this about myself) Once I was in it was all good. Think sometimes we train ourselves.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 15, 2014 1:02 AM GMT
    Have him lay on his stomach naked and sit on his ass naked and massage his back ... do you get aroused?
  • GershMcGee

    Posts: 6

    Sep 03, 2014 1:31 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidMaybe you're just not into topping. Some are, some aren't.


    I dunno. I've really always wanted to top. That's always seemed like the most exciting thing to me, sexually, and it still does. So I'm definitely into it.
  • GershMcGee

    Posts: 6

    Sep 03, 2014 1:34 AM GMT
    Apparition saidtell him to sit on your morning wood when you are sleeping.

    alternatively, assuming you are dealing with condoms, you might have issues with that, a lot of guys do. Try a femidom if you are, then you can plunge right in.

    or just change your grinder to BOTTOM like every else lol.


    Morning DOES seem to be the best time. But we're both pretty much each others' first, so we don't use condoms. And if I'm inside him, then there's no problem. It's just getting to that point before I go all dead-in-the-snake.

    Also, I haven't used Grindr before. From what I've seen, I doubt it's monogamy friendly. XD
  • GershMcGee

    Posts: 6

    Sep 03, 2014 1:40 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    paulflexes saidMaybe you're just not into topping. Some are, some aren't.

    This is true. First-time tops are sometimes not that into it. It's strange for you, icky, whatever. Not to mention performance anxiety.

    See your doctor about Viagra. Once you have a great top experience you may stay hard all on your own. Confidence is a wonderful stiffener.

    Or else you're not into THIS particular guy. There's no cheating with your Peter Meter. I can top with the best of them, but with a guy I'm not really into... Limpville.


    Thanks a lot for the advice!

    It's true that I lack any semblance of confidence in myself, in general at least. Perhaps that spills into sexual field as well...

    I have been pondering more and more the latter message, about me being "into" him. Lately it seems like that may be a possibility, but it also would fall short of explaining why I've been able to get so hard while giving him head or making out.

    I may try the Viagra thing as a jumpstarter, if I ever get insurance.

    Thank you again for your help!
  • GershMcGee

    Posts: 6

    Sep 03, 2014 1:45 AM GMT
    vanquishedangel saidHoestly I had this problem once, It was actually because I was not really attracted physically to the person (hope your man does not read into it that much) even though I was emotionally attracted to them. Plus my secret is that it is their orgasm that does it for me, nothing turns me on more then that. Sometimes it helps to play with them first, I would give them head from behind them and that would make me hard. So if they were on all fours, I would reach between their legs and grab their dick and point it back at me, put on a lobster bib and go to town. When I was hard enough I would then go for the gusto. (sorry to be so blunt and descriptive in my post but it took me years to discover this about myself) Once I was in it was all good. Think sometimes we train ourselves.


    I appreciate the words of experience! Great perspective. I agree with you about their pleasure being such a big turn on. icon_biggrin.gif

    I may have to incorporate that into foreplay some more, see if it helps at all.

    Although it's discouraging to even try sometimes; when he asks me to do him, he can barely take a finger. And I'm bigger than he is, so it's difficult to imagine he'd actually not feel uncomfortable.

    Thanks again for your help!

  • GershMcGee

    Posts: 6

    Sep 03, 2014 1:46 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidHave him lay on his stomach naked and sit on his ass naked and massage his back ... do you get aroused?


    I've done it a few times, and it doesn't get me hard from what I can remember...
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Sep 03, 2014 1:50 AM GMT
    When I'm with a guy, I'm either a top or a bottom. I can't be both. Although I can occasionally bottom for a guy that my chemistry tells me to top. There's no logic to it like younger/older or bigger/smaller, etc. That could be the case for you. Would it really bother you if you only bottomed for your guy? Would it really bother your guy if in your relationship he is always top? If not, just chalk it up to the craziness of sexual chemistry and enjoy. There is no right or wrong or dominant/submissive or active/passive in gay sex unless you like it that way. Or it could be a weird thing that shook your confidence that you need to get around, which you can work on. But if this arrangement works for you both, just be happy. It's all good!
  • xBEHEMOTHx

    Posts: 95

    Sep 03, 2014 1:54 PM GMT
    I think your simply a bottom..it happens..accept and embrace it..just let your bf know that he turned you bottom and see if he's cool with being top..or break up and let your slutty bottom side wild and do a few gang bangs..best of luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 26, 2014 3:29 PM GMT
    most people can play both roles (there is always a preference thou), not me thou, bottoming is awkard and boring... or maybe I´m still a prude xD... you probably just insecure and nervous and having some low self esteem, it happens, just have some red wine and go with the flow and realize your partner thinks you´re sexy, DONT LOOK AT YOUR PENIS lol and dont think about staying hard that will kill it right there, just go with the flow, foreplay during it and enjoy it, eventually you will feel more secure and comes out more naturaly. it happend to me too on my first time, fears/insecurity and it was kinda of a hook up (not really a thing for me lol) and I have a huge phobia of HIV but he was nice to me so eventualy I went with the flow and it was great for a first time toping, it´s all psicological I´m sure
    best of luck =)