How can I help my friend?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2014 8:32 PM GMT
    Ok, so there's this guy I know who by the way is the only gay friend I actually have. He helped me a lot with accepting my sexuality & is a REALLY GOOD friend to me & a confident.
    The problem is, he has never been lucky with dating and stuff.
    He was not really gifted in the looks department, but he's such a great guy.
    He told me he mostly get ignored or rejected on dating apps,
    But yesterday some guy actually cursed him out for messaging him.
    So, now his spirit is really broken & He wants to give up all together.
    I just don't know what to do to help him on cheer him up.
    I care about him very much.
    He hasn't returned any of my texts/calls since then...
    I feel even worse because I am always telling him about all the attention I get.
    (PS/I am only telling him about it bc he asks me & give me advice)
    Why are gay guys so awful to each other anyway?!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 14, 2014 8:42 PM GMT
    Well you can start by not telling him how great you have it. Just be his friend and commiserate with him when he needs an ear. And see if you can make him laugh from time to time. He'll figure out what works for him over time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2014 8:51 PM GMT
    Realism helps me more than anything. He might not be gifted in the looks department but he can work on his body. Maybe encourage him to workout with you. Gay men seem to care more about muscles than a handsome face anyway. Oh, and stop bragging about how good you have it!
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    Aug 14, 2014 8:57 PM GMT
    I hate to put it this way but is he going after guys who are out of his league so to speak? Not that he deserves such cruel treatment in return, but if he is going for exceptionally good looking guys and, as you put it, he isn't gifted in the looks department, he is in all likelihood setting himself up for rejection.

    I had a short, chubby (ok fat) friend who always went for the the tall blondes and was always crestfallen when rejected. Duh! I'm not saying it can't happen but it's not likely so why set yourself up for failure. He's since married a nice short, round Italian girl and they are happy as clams. She's also a very nice woman, good mother and wife, and all around beautiful person.

    If he isn't giving guys in his league the time of day because he doesn't find them attractive enough for himself then shame on him and he deserves what he gets.
  • ASHDOD

    Posts: 1057

    Aug 14, 2014 9:06 PM GMT
    big icecreem bucked and some movies
    or take him out to a movie or realy nice restaurant
    amuzment park?
    somthinng like that
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2014 11:17 PM GMT
    I encourage you to keep the discussion going, LISTEN more than talk. Ask questions, show you are truly interested in him. I get the whole thing that some people are more attractive than others but there are also a whole bunch of self-centered, egotistical people out there as well. I agree with the thought process of encouraging him to work out together. You can possibly encourage each other and build together. Try not to let him get discouraged.

    We've all seen this week how things can go drastically south this week with the experience of Robin Williams. I think we ALL should encourage each other and be there for a friend who might be discouraged.

  • Aug 14, 2014 11:39 PM GMT
    Well for my experience with men.......ok so far I totally suck in that department. I look at it this way. Having been considered beautiful at least at one point, I always found that even though I really cared less the other person cared more. I would come home from the bar or work and my pockets would be full of peoples phone numbers (I would not throw them away infront of them because I thought it was rude, then I would forget about them) and that has gotten me into a lot of trouble. If I openly rejected them the I was a stuck up bitch, If I did not openly reject them then I was leading them on. One person even wrote his name in paint across my white mustang.

    I have generally dated people that I would be considered out of their league. This causes problems because usually I got the attention and they got jealous. One even was severely violent with me over it (put me in the hospital three times).

    What I am trying to say is maybe it is important to date within your league (I really hate that). Because the one that doesn't get the attention may get very jealous and also doubt your fidelity.

    So as per your friend if he is choosing the mega hot ones, he will have to be very strong emotionally if they do date him. Also if he is not even noticing the ones in his league, then he should understand why they are not choosing him as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2014 11:44 PM GMT
    Maybe you should share with him your bad moments too so he doesn't feel all alone. And withhold your success stories for now. This way he will feel you can relate and understand him.

    Maybe he should join some groups where he can interact with others in real life rather than through online apps. This way people can get to really see how nice he is. Maybe those on online apps/dating site only focus on looks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2014 11:47 PM GMT
    You could just sorta be there for him and offer him an ear to listen to when he comes around.

    Empathize with how he's feeling.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2014 11:53 PM GMT
    Hi there,
    I suggest you go out to bars etc. with him and be obviously friendly to each other like lovers. This is instantly attractive to other people, and you both become more desirable, and much more approachable. Then, when chatting with others.. it will come out that you are not a couple and by then they may have discovered the genuine traits in your friend, that you so much appreciate.

    At the same time, both of you will have a good time, and you will see your friend enjoying himself, and being at his best in the company of others.

    If you are doing sports, member of a club, going to a gym, invite him.
    You really sound like a devoted friend, so my hat off to you.

    By the way, tell him the plan, and don't take no for an answer. Make sure you emphasize how much fun it will be for you, especially to see him enjoying himself with you.

    If he refuses, ask him if he has a better idea, and then tell him as a friend, that you are not going to have him waste precious time mopping around when you know there is a great guy out there, waiting to discover him.
    And if nothing pans out, you both will have the best time of your lives, and get to know each more.

    Who can possibly refuse an offer like that?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 15, 2014 12:15 AM GMT
    date him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 15, 2014 12:28 AM GMT
    Guys are so horrible for many reasons. One could be due to the nature of these dating apps/websites. Whether you're on Plenty of Fish or Grindr, the fact that you're not talking to someone face-to-face is reason enough for some people to just ignore others. Or people will just curse/lash out at others because there rarely are repercussions. You could flag a profile, but doubt those guys would feel any remorse for what they did. The only thing you can do is just be there like how he's been there for you. Datable guys seem so rare, so having a good friend like you is just the thing he needs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 15, 2014 1:04 AM GMT
    Tell him to talk to me. I am willing to give you my personal email via by message. I have no problem helping someone out I know I can make him feel better, I just hate when people are so misunderstood and made fun of for it. Ill take brains and personality over looks any day. Hit me back if you to give him my email.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 15, 2014 3:37 AM GMT
    You can't help him, you can't cheer him up.

    You can try to do so; however, you will fail.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 15, 2014 3:43 AM GMT
    When I truly begin to doubt that the people on this site are nice, kind and caring (you know the things that really matter). A whole pocket of awesome people show up. These are the people who should be cuffed (urban slang for dating...you're welcome)icon_razz.gif With that being said, to everyone who's looking for a great guy, judge them by there comments, and start on this thread.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Aug 15, 2014 3:50 AM GMT
    BillyBrown saidOk, so there's this guy I know who by the way is the only gay friend I actually have. He helped me a lot with accepting my sexuality & is a REALLY GOOD friend to me & a confident.
    The problem is, he has never been lucky with dating and stuff.
    He was not really gifted in the looks department, but he's such a great guy.
    He told me he mostly get ignored or rejected on dating apps,
    But yesterday some guy actually cursed him out for messaging him.
    So, now his spirit is really broken & He wants to give up all together.
    I just don't know what to do to help him on cheer him up.
    I care about him very much.
    He hasn't returned any of my texts/calls since then...
    I feel even worse because I am always telling him about all the attention I get.
    (PS/I am only telling him about it bc he asks me & give me advice)
    Why are gay guys so awful to each other anyway?!


    Well, why don't YOU date him?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 15, 2014 5:38 AM GMT
    <--- See my profile pic. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 15, 2014 8:10 AM GMT
    Tell him that he doesn't really wanna date someone who is hung up on physical appearance anyhow. And tell him that he needs to adjust his own perspective on how he rates and sees guys. When the lights go out, we all kinda look the same in the dark.
  • ursa_minor

    Posts: 566

    Aug 15, 2014 8:28 AM GMT
    Be his wingman! sounds fun to do

    i would if i had a similar situation
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 15, 2014 12:52 PM GMT
    Jack_NNJ saidYou can't help him, you can't cheer him up.

    You can try to do so; however, you will fail.



    Well that's a bit pessimistic,I am sure there's something that can be done to cheer is friend up. I mean I talked two of my friends out of suicide on separate occasions. The way I did that was just by being there for them and not giving up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2014 4:31 PM GMT
    Maybe you should take it out of the friend zone.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Aug 20, 2014 7:38 AM GMT
    He will be alone forever, if he is "unattractive", as you implied. Gay men as a group are awful.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Aug 21, 2014 5:25 AM GMT
    It sure doesn't hurt to be good-looking, young, muscular, rich and majorly endowed. This is no brainer.

    The brainer is to recognize that the lucky guys from the above paragraph are mostly chasing the very few even better looking, possibly younger, more ripped, even richer and certainly at least a bit thicker and longer dudes. It is no secret that they are going to through major frustrations in the process thereof...

    What your friend really wants to do is to recognize that most people have a special talent that they can call their own.

    I used to know a guy who really looked like someone who just came out of the five successive car crashes, and was still alive. He was enjoying a surprisingly fulfilling and active life. He was very big in the size department.

    Other dudes had other talents. A ripped dude can attract loads of admirers, too.

    Successful dudes have their fair share of fun, too.

    What really makes people interesting is that they are passionate about something. Now, being passionate about your stamp collection may not get you too far. But yeah, being passionate about your motorbike, car, boat, travel, etc. will get you your fair share of attention.

    Look for that special talent in him, and encourage him to use it.

    SC