Is good enough good enough?

  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Aug 15, 2014 3:44 AM GMT
    I had a conversation with a straight guy friend the other day who is head over heels for this girl he barely knows, or "evil succubus" as he calls her. All day he was complaining about how this "parasitic wasp bitch" is toying with him, yet he doesn't mind the games, and is convinced that he has to have her.

    I just can't understand that feeling... I've never fallen in love with anyone, nor have liked a guy enough to make a fool of myself for him, like in the movies. All the guys I've dated and had relationships with were merely good enough. Some were hot, some had great personalities, but there was never some magical combo that compels me to risk everything for that relationship.

    At least 2 other taken gay friends I know also feel this way; they're just with their bfs until someone better comes along. Am I too cynical? Thoughts like this often makes me consider casual sex.
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    Aug 15, 2014 3:55 AM GMT
    Sounds like co-dependency to me.
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    Aug 15, 2014 5:48 PM GMT
    Just because he has to have her doesn't mean he loves her. Sounds to me he's objectifying her. That isn't love.

    And if you haven't done anything or acted foolish for anyone, then you are correct, you haven't been in love.

    My guy will draw the goofiest stick figure drawings of himself and me and give them to me as silly gifts. When he left for Mexico to visit family he left a card for me of his stick figure self wearing a serape, sombrero, and shaking maracas complete with a chihuahua dog (he's from Chihuahua). I keep all his silly pictures. Foolish? Yeah, maybe but endearing and a sign to me that he loves me and is comfortable enough around me to be open and silly.

    That's a small example but love will make you do foolish things.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Aug 15, 2014 9:18 PM GMT
    highforthis saidI had a conversation with a straight guy friend the other day who is head over heels for this girl he barely knows, or "evil succubus" as he calls her. All day he was complaining about how this "parasitic wasp bitch" is toying with him, yet he doesn't mind the games, and is convinced that he has to have her.

    I just can't understand that feeling... I've never fallen in love with anyone, nor have liked a guy enough to make a fool of myself for him, like in the movies. All the guys I've dated and had relationships with were merely good enough. Some were hot, some had great personalities, but there was never some magical combo that compels me to risk everything for that relationship.

    At least 2 other taken gay friends I know also feel this way; they're just with their bfs until someone better comes along. Am I too cynical? Thoughts like this often makes me consider casual sex.

    Yes. You should have casual sex. You need to lighten up when it comes to sex and romance. It is supposed to be fun. And crazy. You've got yourself on too tight a path.
  • conservativej...

    Posts: 2465

    Aug 16, 2014 1:03 AM GMT
    highforthis saidI had a conversation with a straight guy friend the other day who is head over heels for this girl he barely knows, or "evil succubus" as he calls her. All day he was complaining about how this "parasitic wasp bitch" is toying with him, yet he doesn't mind the games, and is convinced that he has to have her.

    I just can't understand that feeling... I've never fallen in love with anyone, nor have liked a guy enough to make a fool of myself for him, like in the movies. All the guys I've dated and had relationships with were merely good enough. Some were hot, some had great personalities, but there was never some magical combo that compels me to risk everything for that relationship.

    At least 2 other taken gay friends I know also feel this way; they're just with their bfs until someone better comes along. Am I too cynical? Thoughts like this often makes me consider casual sex.


    Sounds like your friend has a good strong case of lust to me. Once he places a good load up her cunt he'll get over her and be on to the next conquest.

    You realize the devil has blue eyes and wears blue jeans.

    Life can be fun you know. icon_razz.gif
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    Aug 16, 2014 1:52 AM GMT
    You can't understand the feeling, you haven't been in love before.

    That's The Way Love Goes, Janet. Why is it necessary for you to understand it?
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Aug 16, 2014 3:59 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidJust because he has to have her doesn't mean he loves her. Sounds to me he's objectifying her. That isn't love.

    And if you haven't done anything or acted foolish for anyone, then you are correct, you haven't been in love.

    My guy will draw the goofiest stick figure drawings of himself and me and give them to me as silly gifts. When he left for Mexico to visit family he left a card for me of his stick figure self wearing a serape, sombrero, and shaking maracas complete with a chihuahua dog (he's from Chihuahua). I keep all his silly pictures. Foolish? Yeah, maybe but endearing and a sign to me that he loves me and is comfortable enough around me to be open and silly.

    That's a small example but love will make you do foolish things.


    Haha that's so awesome. I hope I have something like that in a relationship. Heck I might be the one doing things like that since I like to draw lol.

    To OP: I've never been in a relationship but I have met one guy who I thought was a total package. Unfortunately, he was straight but he was understanding and nice. I never made a fool of myself around him but internally, my stomach would feel queasy lol. But yeah, I think that if you haven't met a guy who you were totally into (both in personality and looks), it's kind of hard to say. As for your partnered friends who are waiting for something better to come... I could never imagine being in a relationship like that. I'd rather be with a guy who I totally was in love with and the feelings were mutual but that's just me.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Aug 16, 2014 4:25 AM GMT
    Being a bit foolish when in love (or when lusting after someone or objectifying someone) tends to come with the territory. Whatever is that your friend feels is a great part of the human experience. There is really nothing wrong with it.

    The wrong bit is when you do not know where to draw the line. Sure, the dating games are meant to be fun. Something to talk about. Something to make you feel desired, valuable, worth it... no matter who is taking the lead. But they are still only games. So, you play within the reason, and move on no matter what the result happens to beicon_smile.gif

    SC
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    Aug 16, 2014 8:31 AM GMT
    dont date unless you love your self first. that way you wont hang around sub optimal people.
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    Aug 16, 2014 6:02 PM GMT
    Lol by these answers towards I guess I never been in love either.
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    Aug 17, 2014 7:42 AM GMT
    pellaz saiddont date unless you love your self first. that way you wont hang around sub optimal people.


    This.

    highforthis said

    At least 2 other taken gay friends I know also feel this way; they're just with their bfs until someone better comes along. Am I too cynical? Thoughts like this often makes me consider casual sex.


    That's bad. Relationships of convenience are a bad idea. Everyone involved just ends up feeling shitty when someone leaves for the next shiny object.

    I was lucky enough to meet someone who's spectacular to me. He has a few faults but so do I. We have a strong bond anyway. I get all butterfly feeling inside when I see him. We talk for hours. We have crazy sex. We hold each other.

    When I see hot (sometimes very hot) guys on the street or somewhere, we look at them together and remark they're hot, and then go on our way. I only want him in the end. If you're always looking around for the next optimal guy, you're missing the great traits of the guy who's right in front of you.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Aug 18, 2014 3:55 AM GMT
    Thx for the replies,

    Not sure what "co-dependency" means in this context. I have my own condo and a good social life and career. I just can't find a boyfriend lol.

    Also, my straight friend is a great deal more attractive than the girl he's going after; it was mostly her character that was such a turn-on for him. I've been dating much longer than him but had never had that experience... I've never met a potential boyfriend whose character I liked more than my own haha. To me, the situation is always like "ok, given his combination of looks and personality, I guess that's probably the best I can get", rather than "OMG he's the One" icon_sad.gif
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Oct 01, 2014 4:53 AM GMT
    Yea so how do I lower my standards lol...
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    Oct 01, 2014 6:41 AM GMT
    In a world where it's all too common for a person to string someone along until they find better I'd say I doubt it. Sometimes I feel like after looking for years and years and not finding the next best, they end up settling for whoever they've strung along because it's been that long.
    I feel that very, very few actually love unconditionally and that only happens when they are considerably older.
    Some people have hefty preferences required before they even consider dating someone, how much more for an actual relationship!?
    Today's media focuses sooooo much on "perfection" it's almost become the expected norm when it comes to dating and relationships.
    It's so bothersome that's why I just don't do it.
    You can be the best you that you could be, and people will still say that someone can do it better. That coupled with a "don't settle for anything but the best because you deserve it" kind of mentality and 'good' becomes the new mediocre.
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    Oct 01, 2014 7:02 AM GMT
    highforthis saidYea so how do I lower my standards lol...
    its so easy:
    -date a closet republican
    -look for an alcoholic
    -someone chronic overweight
    -someone >20years older + lots of money
    pick from the list (or make your own) at least two qualifications just to be sure.

    on the serious side:
    -personally enjoy your success, your condo, the career. Just enjoy it by your self.
    -look at what you bring to the table, find someone who completes the household

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    Oct 04, 2014 7:32 PM GMT
    Is good enough good enough? Well that depends on your goal ... what's good enough it one context may not be good enough in another. So what's your goal?
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    Oct 04, 2014 8:28 PM GMT
    highforthis saidthey're just with their bfs until someone better comes along.

    Transitory and disposable boyfriends. Interesting concept but that's where we are today it seems.

    Before HIV/AIDS we were sluts hooking up like there was no tomorrow. Now we're only slightly better with our disposable and easily discarded boyfriends.

    This explains what puzzled me about today's gay men; how they're so quick to call someone their boyfriend when in fact all he is is someone with whom the sex is ok and doesn't get on their nerves.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Oct 04, 2014 10:25 PM GMT
    sf_swimmer saidIs good enough good enough? Well that depends on your goal ... what's good enough it one context may not be good enough in another. So what's your goal?


    What other goal is there besides finding a long-term relationship?
  • craycraydoesd...

    Posts: 596

    Oct 04, 2014 10:33 PM GMT
    He's probably referring to the various sketchy "arrangements" that damaged-goods-types might settle for in lieu of one guy, to meet different "needs", such as "buds" (usually plural), or open relationships, hookups, fwb, "friends" for emotional connection, fees paid for services, etc. Gays have mastered compartmentalization icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 05, 2014 11:07 PM GMT
    highforthis said
    sf_swimmer saidIs good enough good enough? Well that depends on your goal ... what's good enough it one context may not be good enough in another. So what's your goal?


    What other goal is there besides finding a long-term relationship?


    You do sound somewhat cynical/superficial. Probably protects you from your feelings of vulnerability, which is the sine qua non of falling in love.
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    Oct 05, 2014 11:11 PM GMT
    highforthis saidI had a conversation with a straight guy friend the other day who is head over heels for this girl he barely knows, or "evil succubus" as he calls her. All day he was complaining about how this "parasitic wasp bitch" is toying with him, yet he doesn't mind the games, and is convinced that he has to have her.

    I just can't understand that feeling... I've never fallen in love with anyone, nor have liked a guy enough to make a fool of myself for him, like in the movies. All the guys I've dated and had relationships with were merely good enough. Some were hot, some had great personalities, but there was never some magical combo that compels me to risk everything for that relationship.

    At least 2 other taken gay friends I know also feel this way; they're just with their bfs until someone better comes along. Am I too cynical? Thoughts like this often makes me consider casual sex.

    Your friend sounds like he's one step away from kidnapping and murdering this chick. icon_neutral.gif
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Oct 10, 2014 12:31 AM GMT
    crazycrazydoesdoes saidHe's probably referring to the various sketchy "arrangements" that damaged-goods-types might settle for in lieu of one guy, to meet different "needs", such as "buds" (usually plural), or open relationships, hookups, fwb, "friends" for emotional connection, fees paid for services, etc. Gays have mastered compartmentalization icon_lol.gif


    LOL
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    Oct 10, 2014 9:46 PM GMT
    "they're just with their bfs until someone better comes along."

    The's gross, apparently they don't know what true love is and never experienced it before. Gay men should be thankful if they have anyone in their lives. Don't take a relationship as a game, 'cause once you lose it... You might have lost it for good. Just be grateful that you actually have someone to call your other half, along with imperfections. I know for sure that I don't want anyone who's completely perfect, then we won't really live life through its ups and downs if everything was just too perfect.