How to get over a toxic, sometimes abusive relationship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2014 7:36 PM GMT
    I kinda wanted to post something about this a while ago but it's unnerving to do it. I thought about hiding my profile but the nasty people on here would just name and shame me anyway. I'm not quite sure what I want to achieve from this but who knows.

    No nasty responses please icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2014 8:21 PM GMT
    First, commit to not returning to the relationship.

    Second, don't fall into the trap of questioning yourself too much.
    Don't overly examine the relationship. Don't try to understand how you were at fault too----even if that fault was simply allowing yourself to be drawn into the relationship.

    JUST GET AWAY AND MOVE ONWARD.

    Abusive people are generally charming in the early stages of a relationship. Getting sucked in, is not your fault.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2014 9:00 PM GMT
    Determinate saidFirst, commit to not returning to the relationship.

    Second, don't fall into the trap of questioning yourself too much.
    Don't overly examine the relationship. Don't try to understand how you were at fault too----even if that fault was simply allowing yourself to be drawn into the relationship.

    JUST GET AWAY AND MOVE ONWARD.

    Abusive people are generally charming in the early stages of a relationship. Getting sucked in, is not your fault.


    I never would return to it (he dumped me) but we didn't even live together and he was married so it would have been easy for me not to keep going back to him. That's the only thing I really question about myself.

    It was years ago now (like it finished 5 years ago) but I don't seem to ever be able to get past it enough to be with anyone else which sucks. Every time I have tried I've put myself in stupid situations which I should have grown out of!
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Aug 15, 2014 9:26 PM GMT
    There's probably as many different answers to this as there are men. But I would say wind the clock back to before you were in the relationship and try to fully remember and recapture whatever motivated you to want to look for and to be dedicated to a relationship in the first place. Then I would try to see that the betrayal by your former partner in no way justifies diminishing or abandoning that original motivation.
  • toastvenom

    Posts: 1020

    Aug 15, 2014 9:27 PM GMT
    just remember that it was toxic and abusive. understand that nobody has the right to treat anybody like shit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2014 9:54 PM GMT
    Noeton saidThere's probably as many different answers to this as there are men. But I would say wind the clock back to before you were in the relationship and try to fully remember and recapture whatever motivated you to want to look for and to be dedicated to a relationship in the first place. Then I would try to see that the betrayal by your former partner in no way justifies diminishing or abandoning that original motivation.


    Wise response.
    OP, I hope you'll give this some thought.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 15, 2014 10:37 PM GMT
    Determinate said
    Noeton saidThere's probably as many different answers to this as there are men. But I would say wind the clock back to before you were in the relationship and try to fully remember and recapture whatever motivated you to want to look for and to be dedicated to a relationship in the first place. Then I would try to see that the betrayal by your former partner in no way justifies diminishing or abandoning that original motivation.


    Wise response.
    OP, I hope you'll give this some thought.


    I wasn't even looking for a relationship at the time ironically but I totally take the point. Thanks and thank you for everyone else's responses too icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 16, 2014 1:53 AM GMT
    No contact with the person for any reason - ever, and forever.

    In about 7-9 months, you'll be past it.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Aug 16, 2014 2:16 AM GMT
    um, if he was married, then I would consider YOU the abuser, he I would just consider an asshole.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 16, 2014 2:21 AM GMT
    Apparition saidum, if he was married, then I would consider YOU the abuser, he I would just consider an asshole.


    Not sure about that, but the revelation that the dude was married provided some important info.

    "I'm dating a married guy - what could possibly go wrong?"
  • rac727

    Posts: 196

    Aug 16, 2014 2:24 AM GMT
    Aww your so cute icon_smile.gif
    Don't take no crap you deserve better just think and remember about how terrible that person was to you and how they are not good for you thats the way it is and that makes it a bit easier to let them go.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Aug 16, 2014 3:14 AM GMT
    Sometimes we can believe we deserve what we get...This keeps us going back for another sip of that poison. Repeat this affirmation several times a day...this simple sentence,"I deserve more".After awhile you'll start believing it. Until then? The guys of RJ are here for you bro.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 16, 2014 5:50 AM GMT
    release it. you experienced that and now know what to look for in a partner. you understand that pain and do not wish or deserve to go back to that. so, release the anger and fear as they will serve you no purpose in the future. love your self unconditionally and give your self the compassion that that man clearly lacked.

    when you find a partner give him some of that same compassion and if he is truly wanting to be apart of your life he will give you the same compassion in return. do not anticipate negativity but know the signs to stop that experience from happening again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 16, 2014 6:20 AM GMT
    Apparition saidum, if he was married, then I would consider YOU the abuser, he I would just consider an asshole.


    I did and do feel bad about that so I don't want to seem like I'm excusing my behaviour but I was young at the time. I certainly don't feel I abused anyone though. I'm the one that has to take pain killers every day because he damaged my leg so bad I have damaged nerves. I see your point but I think that's an unfair statement.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 16, 2014 6:37 AM GMT
    Thanks guys. I do know I deserved better but it's difficult putting it into practice. He made me feel inadequate about myself especially my body like we never had sex but he would always point out how gross my body was etc and made me feel so bad that I can't stand the thought of someone reciprocating anything sexual with me.
  • Jonny21

    Posts: 199

    Aug 16, 2014 10:14 AM GMT
    Although I hope you get out this type of relationship sooner rather than later, I know it's much easier said than done. So I not going to sit here and preach. I just hope you leave before something bad happens.

    Just remember the sooner you get out of the relationship you're not supposed to be in, the quicker you can start on the path of finding the person you actually deserve. Good luck with everything!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 16, 2014 1:59 PM GMT
    Jonny21 saidAlthough I hope you get out this type of relationship sooner rather than later, I know it's much easier said than done. So I not going to sit here and preach. I just hope you leave before something bad happens.

    Just remember the sooner you get out of the relationship you're not supposed to be in, the quicker you can start on the path of finding the person you actually deserve. Good luck with everything!

    I'm not with him but it's the thought that counts so thank you icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 16, 2014 4:24 PM GMT
    dannyboyUK said
    Apparition saidum, if he was married, then I would consider YOU the abuser, he I would just consider an asshole.


    I did and do feel bad about that so I don't want to seem like I'm excusing my behaviour but I was young at the time. I certainly don't feel I abused anyone though. I'm the one that has to take pain killers every day because he damaged my leg so bad I have damaged nerves. I see your point but I think that's an unfair statement.


    Holy shit. And you waited until HE left YOU? The guy sounds like an absolutely awful brute!

    I can't pretend to understand the logic behind that decision. If I were in your unfortunate position right now, I would avoid any remotely romantic relationships for the next couple of years and work on myself. See a therapist for the body issues (both kinds, a mental health therapist for the mental anguish and a physiotherapist for the physical damage). Start lifting weights to build up the muscles around the weakened area (that's what I did when I damaged my ACL in sports, it works), and some of the pain will go away and the likelihood of future injury would decrease.

    And finally, when you do end up in a romantic relationship again, screen potential partners for size. Try not to fall for someone who outweighs you by a large margin, because people who end up in 1 abusive relationship sometimes are more prone to ending up repeating the cycle. At least if the other guy is your size, you'll have a chance to defend yourself and won't end up dead if it happens again.

    Domestic abuse is something that doesn't get talked about a lot in gay relationships, but it happens.

    I wrestle with my boyfriend (for sexual purposes lol), and it can get very competitive, but I know he'd never assault me. If he did, he'd be out the door so fast.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 16, 2014 5:39 PM GMT
    dannyboyUK said I thought about hiding my profile but the nasty people on here would just name and shame me anyway.

    It's stupid to hide your profile, since everyone can see who you are by hitting the quote button. You want to be anonymous? Use a sock account like everyone else.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 16, 2014 5:43 PM GMT
    dannyboyUK said
    Determinate saidFirst, commit to not returning to the relationship.

    Second, don't fall into the trap of questioning yourself too much.
    Don't overly examine the relationship. Don't try to understand how you were at fault too----even if that fault was simply allowing yourself to be drawn into the relationship.

    JUST GET AWAY AND MOVE ONWARD.

    Abusive people are generally charming in the early stages of a relationship. Getting sucked in, is not your fault.




    It was years ago now (like it finished 5 years ago) but I don't seem to ever be able to get past it enough to be with anyone else which sucks. Every time I have tried I've put myself in stupid situations which I should have grown out of!

    If it has been that long, and it's still affecting your thoughts and behaviour, see a therapist. You don't want to get into another abusive relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 16, 2014 5:44 PM GMT
    dannyboyUK said
    Jonny21 saidAlthough I hope you get out this type of relationship sooner rather than later, I know it's much easier said than done. So I not going to sit here and preach. I just hope you leave before something bad happens.

    Just remember the sooner you get out of the relationship you're not supposed to be in, the quicker you can start on the path of finding the person you actually deserve. Good luck with everything!

    I'm not with him but it's the thought that counts so thank you icon_biggrin.gif


    Danny I think your brave for speaking out. I hope you can move on without too many scars and find the man you want who respects you. Don't overthink or blame yourself, but don't loose the lesson life has just taught you. He did the abusive acts but you where attracted to some parts of that, so figure it out so as to not repeat the same scenario.

    Have a look at some of the things you have posted on here and the attitudes you may have developed, which ties into the type of guys you will be attracted to and type you attract. You can't change those sort of guys but you can change how you react to them
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 17, 2014 12:54 AM GMT
    Sydneyrugbyjock73 said
    dannyboyUK said
    Jonny21 saidAlthough I hope you get out this type of relationship sooner rather than later, I know it's much easier said than done. So I not going to sit here and preach. I just hope you leave before something bad happens.

    Just remember the sooner you get out of the relationship you're not supposed to be in, the quicker you can start on the path of finding the person you actually deserve. Good luck with everything!

    I'm not with him but it's the thought that counts so thank you icon_biggrin.gif


    Danny I think your brave for speaking out. I hope you can move on without too many scars and find the man you want who respects you. Don't overthink or blame yourself, but don't loose the lesson life has just taught you. He did the abusive acts but you where attracted to some parts of that, so figure it out so as to not repeat the same scenario.

    Have a look at some of the things you have posted on here and the attitudes you may have developed, which ties into the type of guys you will be attracted to and type you attract. You can't change those sort of guys but you can change how you react to them


    I wasn't attracted to those parts. I just felt guilty because he told me I had wrecked his marriage by seducing him (although in hindsight I didnt) and this might sound weird but he made a habit of humiliating me sexually (my body and such) even though we never had sex if that makes sense so I felt like he was the only person that would put up with me. I had long gone off the idea of he and I but I just thought well at least he cares enough to be honest about how gross I am and that's what kept me going back because I thought anyone that said anything nice was lying.

    I was really grown up compared to my peers but again in hindsight I probably wasn't grown up enough to handle this situation and I am about 50%.responsible but I would never hit anyone or make them feel worthless, I would rather just split up with someone than be horrible.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 17, 2014 1:19 AM GMT
    How to get a way from a Toxic relationship? Lol, don't enter them or get away from him asap once you find out he's Psycho. As far as hiding your profile, I feel like only straight or troll guys do that. It's not a big deal to show your face, profile on here. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 17, 2014 1:43 AM GMT
    HikerSkier said
    dannyboyUK said
    Determinate saidFirst, commit to not returning to the relationship.

    Second, don't fall into the trap of questioning yourself too much.
    Don't overly examine the relationship. Don't try to understand how you were at fault too----even if that fault was simply allowing yourself to be drawn into the relationship.

    JUST GET AWAY AND MOVE ONWARD.

    Abusive people are generally charming in the early stages of a relationship. Getting sucked in, is not your fault.




    It was years ago now (like it finished 5 years ago) but I don't seem to ever be able to get past it enough to be with anyone else which sucks. Every time I have tried I've put myself in stupid situations which I should have grown out of!

    If it has been that long, and it's still affecting your thoughts and behaviour, see a therapist. You don't want to get into another abusive relationship.


    I can't talk to any kind of professional about it because it might trigger legal action due to stuff I haven't mentioned p. Stuff that might affect my future job opportunities or how people think of me if my name was ever made public. I tend to think it's better if I deal with it myself in my thoughts internally.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 17, 2014 5:03 AM GMT
    I know you might find this hard to believe, but there are many gay guys who will have little sympathy for you because they have no relationship with any guy but at least you had one, even though it was "toxic." Don't stay with a anyone that makes you unhappy but don't bitch when you are someone who has a relationship of any kind with another guy who is giving you regular sex. Sorry, Just my humble opinion.