The ex?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2014 10:36 AM GMT
    After 21 years my ex left me with a 37 year old. After legal separation and him being gone for 2 1/2 months I got a call.
    The RCMP picked him up sitting in his car by himself out of gas on the side of the road. Car has been impounded and he has been admitted to a mental health facility in Burnaby.
    We had a few minutes to text before they took his phone and he just went on how he's screwed everyones life up.
    I don't know what to do next when he gets out.
    My first instinct is to bring him home. Others say I should not.
    Any advise guys? Its a tough one.
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    Aug 16, 2014 11:20 AM GMT
    He is your ex.

    He is your ex for some reason. Has that reason changed?

    Sounds like your ex is living a life a drama.

    Consider asking yourself: "Do I want drama in my life?"

    Also, consider visiting this website for more insight which may or may not apply to your situation:
    http://coda.org/
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Aug 16, 2014 11:34 AM GMT
    Parse out whether his leaving you was connected to a mental problem, similar to the one that resulted in the RCMP picking him up. That would, as the above posted pointed out, change why he is your ex. However, if that is not the case, and the reason you two split up has nothing to do with mental illness, make sure he ends up somewhere safe, and leave it at that.
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    Aug 16, 2014 11:35 AM GMT
    Thank you for the consideration.
    Not sure if it applies.
    We had a drama free, healthy existence up until this point.
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    Aug 16, 2014 11:37 AM GMT
    DCEric saidParse out whether his leaving you was connected to a mental problem, similar to the one that resulted in the RCMP picking him up. That would, as the above posted pointed out, change why he is your ex. However, if that is not the case, and the reason you two split up has nothing to do with mental illness, make sure he ends up somewhere safe, and leave it at that.


    Yes that is what I have to figure out.
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    Aug 16, 2014 11:38 AM GMT
    You have 21 years of history together. Everyone fucks up at one point or another....it's your choice...be a hardass or give the guy a break?

    “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. — 'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' — Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.”


    ― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

    Were you he, what would you ask of one who loved you?
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    Aug 16, 2014 12:53 PM GMT
    DCEric saidParse out whether his leaving you was connected to a mental problem, similar to the one that resulted in the RCMP picking him up. That would, as the above posted pointed out, change why he is your ex. However, if that is not the case, and the reason you two split up has nothing to do with mental illness, make sure he ends up somewhere safe, and leave it at that.



    I agree. Making sure he ends up somewhere safe doesn't mean you have to get back together.
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Aug 16, 2014 1:59 PM GMT
    How sad he must have had something bothering him?

    Don't just give up on him he needs help?
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    Aug 16, 2014 2:03 PM GMT
    It depends on if you can forgive him and mean it. If you can't mean it then don't take him back. If you can forgive him and mean it then I hope it all works out!
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    Aug 16, 2014 2:27 PM GMT
    There will be therapy and lots of it if we move forward.
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    Aug 16, 2014 3:10 PM GMT
    i think you should take care of him as a friend having a health issue; disease, whatever. He is your friend not your lover. Best of luck.
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    Aug 16, 2014 3:31 PM GMT
    S60turbo saidAfter 21 years my ex left me with a 37 year old. After legal separation and him being gone for 2 1/2 months I got a call.
    The RCMP picked him up sitting in his car by himself out of gas on the side of the road. Car has been impounded and he has been admitted to a mental health facility in Burnaby.
    We had a few minutes to text before they took his phone and he just went on how he's screwed everyones life up.
    I don't know what to do next when he gets out.
    My first instinct is to bring him home. Others say I should not.
    Any advise guys? Its a tough one.



    I was married for 21 years ( she divorced me) and now I'm with a 36 year old. It's only a fiction writers fantasy that things last forever. Look around the universe , it's all moving and changing. Allow the change that was forced on you to be your opportunity for personal growth.
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    Aug 16, 2014 3:50 PM GMT
    S60turbo saidThank you for the consideration.
    Not sure if it applies.
    We had a drama free, healthy existence up until this point.

    "Up until this point" is the key phrase. If his mental condition has deteriorated his best treatment may be professional from this point forward.

    Wait until a thorough and definitive evaluation of him has been done, and a course of treatment devised. His doctors may or may not believe you should be involved. Try to consult with them.

    Be wary of making this about YOU. Or of assuming more responsibility than you are capable of handling. That approach will do neither of you any good.
  • Twenty_Someth...

    Posts: 1388

    Aug 16, 2014 4:34 PM GMT
    21 years is a long time to be with someone, and hiccups do happen. Exapmple: My grandmother got really depressed, found her life stifling, and left my grandpa for a younger man who lived in Canada. After a few months she realized that she made a huge mistake and told my grandpa that she wanted to come home. He took her back, they renewed their vows to each other and decided to work on the issues that separated them in the first place. Now they are really happy again...

    So I am inclined to say that if there is something worth salvaging, or if there is something in him that will help YOU grow and flourish for the rest of your life, it might be worth giving him a second chance. Tough spot for you to be in. GOod luck man!
  • ruffein

    Posts: 7

    Aug 16, 2014 4:58 PM GMT
    nothing wrong with helping him .he has been a major part of your life,,But I wouldn't let him move back in.you need to be careful you don't become his caregiver.
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    Aug 16, 2014 5:08 PM GMT
    DCEric saidParse out whether his leaving you was connected to a mental problem, similar to the one that resulted in the RCMP picking him up. That would, as the above posted pointed out, change why he is your ex. However, if that is not the case, and the reason you two split up has nothing to do with mental illness, make sure he ends up somewhere safe, and leave it at that.
    This looks like the most rational advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2014 5:09 PM GMT
    ruffein saidnothing wrong with helping him .he has been a major part of your life,,But I wouldn't let him move back in.you need to be careful you don't become his caregiver.
    When people say "till death do us part" being a caregiver is included in that deal, if needed. Just sayin'. icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 16, 2014 7:30 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidHe is your ex.
    He is your ex for some reason. Has that reason changed?
    Sounds like your ex is living a life a drama.
    Consider asking yourself: "Do I want drama in my life?"

    I think these questions are irrelevant. Even if he's his ex, he can still have very deep emotional feelings and a desire to be there for him. We all have drama and ebbs and flows in our lives, just because he left doesn't mean he's a bad person or a drama queen.

    OP: Your ex is clearly struggling. He needs help, support and someone he can trust. You clearly know him better than anyone so I see nothing wrong at all with your being there for him in any way YOU see appropriate.

    As to where it goes from here, only you and he can decide that and work things out. Nothing can happen until he identifies his issues and figures a way to work through them. Having someone he trusts and knows well there to support him is the most admirable thing you can do. Good luck!
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    Aug 16, 2014 8:31 PM GMT
    It is true. People make mistakes. You can easily follow that route and go for the therapy if you feel you love him enough. Just keep in mind that the dynamics of the relationship has changed. And the love. So it will never be the same again. But. You get different types of love. You can still love him, support him...and not BE with him. That way, you can still honour the years you spent together. Love is very complex. Some things simply do not deserve forgiveness, because you will assist in betraying exactly what that love stood for in the first place.
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    Aug 16, 2014 8:40 PM GMT
    It sounds to me like you care a lot about him still; that there is an emotional response from you from seeing him in trouble.

    I'd ask yourself "Can I be a support for this person without him pulling me down with him?". I don't think it would help either of you if you're his crutch. With the end of your relationship so fresh I'm sure there are a lot of emotions attached still.

    While therapy can really help, I think knowing whether he really wants to change is the key point.

    This is not an easy thing to answer, and I think you're the only one who really knows him well enough. I'd try to take some time to think things through. I would try to be his friend, console him with words, but not your body, so that you can keep a line of clear separation.

    Take time to consider things before you let him back into your life, and spend even more before you decide if he can be your lover and partner again.
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    Aug 16, 2014 10:37 PM GMT
    If you love him, stay with him. A crisis is a chance to deepen a relationship. I know my folks had some bad years in their marriage--things I have a hard time imagining that I would every stick around for.

    But now they are in their mid-70s, having been married for 54 years. They have a level of intimacy and knowledge of each other that I will likely never have with anyone. They've been through real awful shit and managed to stay together, and they've emerged in this other place.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 1:03 AM GMT
    Hm, I'm confused...by your post. Can his new man help him? I mean, he left you for another guy and called you 2 1/2 months later for help? Did his new bf dumped him or something? or are they still together?. Why can't the other guy help him? Hm, this may sound harsh but I don't think you should help him. You should get him a little help like take him to a mental place or hospital or whatever BUT DO NOT GET EMOTIONALLY involved. You will get emotionally involve if you spend too much time with him. You need time to heal from your BREAK UP and work on yourself first. Unless you want to get back together with him? URg, this is a complicated situation. I think you should follow your instinct which you already have the answer.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 17, 2014 2:29 AM GMT
    You are to be commended that you are interested in helping and sincerely are interested in his well being. I understand, after that amount of time, pretty hard to just shut it off.

    I think you need to find out everything you can about his condition and what is in his best interest. It may be you and your assistance, but it might not be. Don't make your decision strictly from emotion, you need to do what's best for his condition. If it makes sense for him to be with you during his recovery, then I'd consider it, but get facts prior to making a decision.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Aug 17, 2014 4:40 AM GMT
    S60turbo saidThere will be therapy and lots of it if we move forward.
    This statement tells me what you intend to do..Good Luck regardless.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Aug 17, 2014 6:20 AM GMT
    dude, you two were together for 21 years. i say follow your instincts and your heart. i do not think they will steer you wrong. he made a bad decision. i think he is already suffering enough.