How to get out there and find a good-looking decent guy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 9:13 AM GMT
    I've been out for a couple months now and I'm having a hard time meeting people. A friend suggested to get dating apps, I've gotten three dates but they were not the greatest. I am just looking for pointers and tips, ideas? The apps are kind of difficult especially since I don't hook up icon_sad.gif I'm just slowly loosing faith, I don't want to be a hopeless romantic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 10:34 AM GMT
    If I knew, I'd tell you...and I've been out for over two decades.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Aug 17, 2014 11:18 AM GMT
    You have pretty much answered your own question. "You do not hook up...". By far, most guys using the apps are out there solely for the purpose of hooking up. Hence, the plan ain't really workingicon_wink.gif

    Like it or not, you are on the dating market now. There are guys out there looking for all sorts arrangements starting from friends with benefits, over to FBs and some dudes are really looking for someone to tie the knot with.

    Very, very few guys are out there saying that they really want a serious LTR here and now. You are chasing a unicorn. Mostly because such relationships are NOT found. They are made over a period of time.

    By saying that you are not into the hook ups, you are signalling to most dudes out there that you are a sexually negative guy who is more likely to make an issue about putting out than not. Now, this is probably not the case, but this is how your attitude is being perceived by a number of possibly qualified guys.

    Time is precious these days, so guys are moving on very swiftly to the next cool looking dude. If the sex part works, they'll probably try to see if there is any level of compatibility, so that something more lasting evolves...Deny them sex as preconditioning it, and you are in for a long, lonely and disappointing ride.

    Consider giving yourself a break here...

    SC

  • ASHDOD

    Posts: 1057

    Aug 17, 2014 12:07 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidIf I knew, I'd tell you...and I've been out for over two decades.


    unfortunately, there is no fullproof system.... icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 12:23 PM GMT
    I came out 18 months ago. I too used and still use the social media for most of my meeting new friends. All I can say is be patient. Hard to do I know. I have been fortunate to meet quite a few great guys who have become long lasting friends. However i have met alot of meh, see ya around types too. Its par for the course.
    Dont give up and you will meet great guys who will introduce you to thier friends and you will develop a social circle.
    I also reccomend occationally go to your lgbt get togethers. Or visit the local watering hole for a drink, visit for a bit and chat. Its old fashioned i know. Lol
    Anyhoo, good luck, be patient and have fun!!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 17, 2014 12:43 PM GMT
    Well to begin with, you are taking positive steps by asking questions and attempting to get out there, so kudos for that.

    I was never "gay single" until 2012 when my long term partner and I broke up after 13.5 years. I wasn't even out when we started seeing each other originally.... so being "single" was sort of odd, but priorities need to be in order.

    1. Be social, enjoy life and don't "socialize" with a "boyfriend agenda", meaning let things happen and don't try and force anything, let it happen naturally.

    2. Know the difference between those who you date who do it as a cover for sex and for those who are really interested in you. I learned that pretty fast in 2012 when I accepted a date and the guy (who I had known for some time) told me he wanted to get me in the sack for years and now there "isn't an excuse".... that was the purpose for the date.

    3. If you are dating someone, end it if he isn't right for you. Don't keep dating him when it really doesn't work. Having a boyfriend isn't the end all .. a happy and successful life is.

    4. If you don't have dates immediately, don't worry about it. There probably is nothing "wrong", sometimes it just takes time. And if you do click with somebody, don't depend on THEM to ask you out, you take the initiative.

    Good luck. I have a first date tonight with a man who told me yesterday how "he has been looking forward to this all week". Not sure he is really my type, but I know he is very reasonable and I'm happy to have dinner with him. Always be gracious and friendly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 1:43 PM GMT
    I am still looking. But right now, having friends is a good start. However sex (anal or oral) would be off the table. Sorry guys, that's not for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 2:09 PM GMT
    Do the stuff you enjoy doing, and you will meet people who enjoy similar things. If they end up being friends with shared interests, that is not a bad thing either. I know that when I was first out, I planned my social life around "meet a man" and ended being bored and disappointed a lot.

    Make sure that people know you are single without making it seem like you have a giant pink neon "LOOKING" sign around your neck. If you have hobbies, activities or sports that you like, try sites like meetup.com to meet others into the same thing in a low-pressure way, vs. it immediately being a "date" which is emotionally fraught and comes with its own baggage.

    Be willing to expand your checklist of physical attributes and other arbitrary factors because you are not ordering a new car or a show dog, you're trying to meet a human being. It is extremely unlikely that someone with those exact specs will also be your emotional match, and vice versa, and that is okay. Be willing to push your boundaries a little bit (this doesn't extend to compromising your morals or faking attraction... just don't be too rigid).

    If someone catches your eye, show your interest in a low-pressure way. Smile and engage them in conversation about what you're doing. If you click, show your appreciation of the connection in a way that does not include shoving a catalog of china patterns in their face and asking which one will be "ours", or arriving at his house with a U-Haul in tow. Give yourself and the other the guy room to process how each encounter went. It's okay to touch base but don't make him feel like there is immediate pressure to take it to the next level. The beginning time, even with its uncertain feelings, is worth savoring.

    Hope that is helpful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 2:51 PM GMT
    Going on apps and dating sites isn't exactly "getting out there."
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Aug 17, 2014 2:51 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidYou have pretty much answered your own question. "You do not hook up...". By far, most guys using the apps are out there solely for the purpose of hooking up. Hence, the plan ain't really workingicon_wink.gif

    Like it or not, you are on the dating market now. There are guys out there looking for all sorts arrangements starting from friends with benefits, over to FBs and some dudes are really looking for someone to tie the knot with.

    Very, very few guys are out there saying that they really want a serious LTR here and now. You are chasing a unicorn. Mostly because such relationships are NOT found. They are made over a period of time.

    By saying that you are not into the hook ups, you are signalling to most dudes out there that you are a sexually negative guy who is more likely to make an issue about putting out than not. Now, this is probably not the case, but this is how your attitude is being perceived by a number of possibly qualified guys.

    Time is precious these days, so guys are moving on very swiftly to the next cool looking dude. If the sex part works, they'll probably try to see if there is any level of compatibility, so that something more lasting evolves...Deny them sex as preconditioning it, and you are in for a long, lonely and disappointing ride.

    Consider giving yourself a break here...

    SC

    silverrr that briliantly put buddy. i do not think i could have said it better. i will also add that he might want to think about what he's looking for. i mean so many guys are looking for things that they are not bringing to the table. i guess i would start looking at myself first than go after what you want
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 3:02 PM GMT
    Im in the same situation than you and its not easy. Im not a club guy so that make things harder. Im open to meet new guys and see what can I get from...
  • bangg

    Posts: 91

    Aug 17, 2014 3:12 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidYou have pretty much answered your own question. "You do not hook up...". By far, most guys using the apps are out there solely for the purpose of hooking up. Hence, the plan ain't really workingicon_wink.gif

    Like it or not, you are on the dating market now. There are guys out there looking for all sorts arrangements starting from friends with benefits, over to FBs and some dudes are really looking for someone to tie the knot with.

    Very, very few guys are out there saying that they really want a serious LTR here and now. You are chasing a unicorn. Mostly because such relationships are NOT found. They are made over a period of time.

    By saying that you are not into the hook ups, you are signalling to most dudes out there that you are a sexually negative guy who is more likely to make an issue about putting out than not. Now, this is probably not the case, but this is how your attitude is being perceived by a number of possibly qualified guys.

    Time is precious these days, so guys are moving on very swiftly to the next cool looking dude. If the sex part works, they'll probably try to see if there is any level of compatibility, so that something more lasting evolves...Deny them sex as preconditioning it, and you are in for a long, lonely and disappointing ride.

    Consider giving yourself a break here...

    SC



    I rarely post on here but what you just said really helped me out with my current issue. Thanks icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 3:27 PM GMT
    For those that are not looking for quick/cheap sex, and don't really find "the scene" home, it can be very tough.

    I've used dating websites over the years, and in the past have had a lot of success in meeting great guys who were ready to have something serious.

    I've noticed a big shift in the last 4 years. Most guys who used to be on dating sites are now on the 'apps', and so we've all swung over onto these things. They're a bit of a red herring. While it's reassuring to see that around you there are 100's of gay guys and some of them you find attractive, the downside is that most of them are simply looking for a quick bang, someone to validate them for the night. We've essentially jumped into a haystack and all the needles are even more spread out.

    Another thing I've noticed is that many gay men follow dating "trends". For instance, years ago "open relationships" were few and far between. Something that you'd here about through the grapevine, and kept on the down-low. Now you can't click on more than 5 profiles on Scruff without finding someone who's already taken, now looking for a third, or just a fuck on the side.

    About two years ago I dated a guy who told me that he started hooking up with guys because it seemed like the "thing to do because that's what being gay is". We didn't date much longer after that, as I realized he's the kind of guy that gets caught up in whatever others tell him to be.

    The irony of all this trend following is that gay men are so often the ones who shout the loudest about being individuals, but then all seem to become clones of one other as they seek acceptance which they've craved for years.

    My advice to you Spitfire is to keep the good fight going. Keep looking. What you're looking for isn't a unicorn. Giving in to sleeping around while looking for love will only leave you feeling empty and lowering your self worth, a rare commodity that few gay men value enough. Come out the other side of this with your heart still intact and capable of love and intimacy.

    Don't turn into one of these fruitless clones that jumps from man to man. If they can't treat you like you're a person worthy of a few minutes of time then move on, they aren't worth it. If they can't even spend an hour on a date in a coffee shop, how will they ever handle the struggles that come with a relationship?

    Remember that true love is a rare thing, so try and surround yourself with caring people, value the friendships you have as they are precious (something I've done a miserable job of), and focus on being the best man you can be. When the right guy comes along he'll recognize those traits, and the intimacy you'll be capable of will help you have a long and lasting relationship.
  • BuggEyedSprit...

    Posts: 920

    Aug 17, 2014 3:40 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidIf I knew, I'd tell you...and I've been out for over two decades.


    It ain't easy bein' green....just out for 2 years.icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 3:52 PM GMT
    Sometimes things happen where you least expect them. I've met some amazing people on those apps. Stop searching and try enjoying people for what they are and you'll be surprised at the results.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Aug 17, 2014 3:53 PM GMT
    To the OP, you're 22, hardly time to start dispairing.

    Great response by Matt_TO. Take his advice.

    I found the man I'm partnered with in RJ an it's been nearly 4 years now. Keep your eyes, mind, and heart open. And if you meet a guy you really like, give him a whirl. Playing the field can't hurt.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 4:26 PM GMT
    Matt_TO83 saidFor those that are not looking for quick/cheap sex, and don't really find "the scene" home, it can be very tough.

    I've used dating websites over the years, and in the past have had a lot of success in meeting great guys who were ready to have something serious.

    I've noticed a big shift in the last 4 years. Most guys who used to be on dating sites are now on the 'apps', and so we've all swung over onto these things. They're a bit of a red herring. While it's reassuring to see that around you there are 100's of gay guys and some of them you find attractive, the downside is that most of them are simply looking for a quick bang, someone to validate them for the night. We've essentially jumped into a haystack and all the needles are even more spread out.

    Another thing I've noticed is that many gay men follow dating "trends". For instance, years ago "open relationships" were few and far between. Something that you'd here about through the grapevine, and kept on the down-low. Now you can't click on more than 5 profiles on Scruff without finding someone who's already taken, now looking for a third, or just a fuck on the side.

    About two years ago I dated a guy who told me that he started hooking up with guys because it seemed like the "thing to do because that's what being gay is". We didn't date much longer after that, as I realized he's the kind of guy that gets caught up in whatever others tell him to be.

    The irony of all this trend following is that gay men are so often the ones who shout the loudest about being individuals, but then all seem to become clones of one other as they seek acceptance which they've craved for years.

    My advice to you Spitfire is to keep the good fight going. Keep looking. What you're looking for isn't a unicorn. Giving in to sleeping around while looking for love will only leave you feeling empty and lowering your self worth, a rare commodity that few gay men value enough. Come out the other side of this with your heart still intact and capable of love and intimacy.

    Don't turn into one of these fruitless clones that jumps from man to man. If they can't treat you like you're a person worthy of a few minutes of time then move on, they aren't worth it. If they can't even spend an hour on a date in a coffee shop, how will they ever handle the struggles that come with a relationship?

    Remember that true love is a rare thing, so try and surround yourself with caring people, value the friendships you have as they are precious (something I've done a miserable job of), and focus on being the best man you can be. When the right guy comes along he'll recognize those traits, and the intimacy you'll be capable of will help you have a long and lasting relationship.


    Sir I hear you.

    I have been in one relationship with another man, and it was all about sex and time spent together. I thought there was love there, but it wasn't. Hence when I told him I needed time to be alone and grow, he spazzed out and complained about it. And it went down hill from there. Now I feel better but he..... well he is not doing too well.


    I just want to find the right person who will accept me for me. And all that I bring to the table and I do mean everything, not bits and pieces. Why do that and live a lie? I want that person to have the same ideals that I have and want to share. Sigh, the only thin I keep running into are guys that just want to have sex with me. There is more to life than sex. Seriously, take the time to get to know me (because I will do the same) and you will be amazed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 4:30 PM GMT
    This is the social age. Be social. Be the person that you are looking for to everyone you meet. You will build a network that will pull him in.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 4:36 PM GMT
    Just be yourself. That's all you can really do and it's by far the best advice anyone can give you. People are either going to like you for you or not. If you feel the need to change then please do so because you want to and not for the sake of impressing someone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 4:37 PM GMT
    Matt_TO83 said

    My advice to you Spitfire is to keep the good fight going. Keep looking. What you're looking for isn't a unicorn. Giving in to sleeping around while looking for love will only leave you feeling empty and lowering your self worth, a rare commodity that few gay men value enough. Come out the other side of this with your heart still intact and capable of love and intimacy.

    Don't turn into one of these fruitless clones that jumps from man to man. If they can't treat you like you're a person worthy of a few minutes of time then move on, they aren't worth it. If they can't even spend an hour on a date in a coffee shop, how will they ever handle the struggles that come with a relationship?

    Remember that true love is a rare thing, so try and surround yourself with caring people, value the friendships you have as they are precious (something I've done a miserable job of), and focus on being the best man you can be. When the right guy comes along he'll recognize those traits, and the intimacy you'll be capable of will help you have a long and lasting relationship.



    I agree with you thanks X for the positive reinforcement. I do not want compromise values and myself by sleeping around and finding love later. I want to completely be myself and I'm an individual who takes my own path.
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Aug 17, 2014 4:57 PM GMT
    when it happens it will happen! You will meet a tall dark stranger in a shopping mall....Mystic Mike .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 4:58 PM GMT
    Matt_TO83 saidFor those that are not looking for quick/cheap sex, and don't really find "the scene" home, it can be very tough.

    I've used dating websites over the years, and in the past have had a lot of success in meeting great guys who were ready to have something serious.

    I've noticed a big shift in the last 4 years. Most guys who used to be on dating sites are now on the 'apps', and so we've all swung over onto these things. They're a bit of a red herring. While it's reassuring to see that around you there are 100's of gay guys and some of them you find attractive, the downside is that most of them are simply looking for a quick bang, someone to validate them for the night. We've essentially jumped into a haystack and all the needles are even more spread out.

    Another thing I've noticed is that many gay men follow dating "trends". For instance, years ago "open relationships" were few and far between. Something that you'd here about through the grapevine, and kept on the down-low. Now you can't click on more than 5 profiles on Scruff without finding someone who's already taken, now looking for a third, or just a fuck on the side.

    About two years ago I dated a guy who told me that he started hooking up with guys because it seemed like the "thing to do because that's what being gay is". We didn't date much longer after that, as I realized he's the kind of guy that gets caught up in whatever others tell him to be.

    The irony of all this trend following is that gay men are so often the ones who shout the loudest about being individuals, but then all seem to become clones of one other as they seek acceptance which they've craved for years.

    My advice to you Spitfire is to keep the good fight going. Keep looking. What you're looking for isn't a unicorn. Giving in to sleeping around while looking for love will only leave you feeling empty and lowering your self worth, a rare commodity that few gay men value enough. Come out the other side of this with your heart still intact and capable of love and intimacy.

    Don't turn into one of these fruitless clones that jumps from man to man. If they can't treat you like you're a person worthy of a few minutes of time then move on, they aren't worth it. If they can't even spend an hour on a date in a coffee shop, how will they ever handle the struggles that come with a relationship?

    Remember that true love is a rare thing, so try and surround yourself with caring people, value the friendships you have as they are precious (something I've done a miserable job of), and focus on being the best man you can be. When the right guy comes along he'll recognize those traits, and the intimacy you'll be capable of will help you have a long and lasting relationship.


    Even though it was intended for spitfire I find so much value for my circumstances as well. Thank you for such amazing and positive post.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2014 5:02 PM GMT
    Another unverified twink asking dumb pointless questions. Yawn. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Danskerb

    Posts: 286

    Aug 17, 2014 5:34 PM GMT
    I miss dating. I met so many amazing people, all filled with interesting stories. I think the trick is to not take it all so seriously. Dating should be all about trying people out, seeing if there is a connection.

    When the right one comes around you will know. But then you also have to remember that nothing comes easily, and you will have to work with it, learn to accept some things, compromise and discuss things to make your life what you want.

    I thought of every date I went on as time with an old friend, and just trying to catch up. You start to get into their story and find out what type of person they really are.

    How to find dates ???
    -Talk to people.
    -Don't be shy
    -Ask people out
    -Ask for numbers
    -Ask your friends if they know people
    -Go out to bars and chat to people, find numbers and set up dates. (If they seem more interested in a second meeting than a one night, thats a good sign!)
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Aug 17, 2014 6:30 PM GMT
    Matt_TO83 said
    the downside is that most of them are simply looking for a quick bang, someone to validate them for the night.


    I can relate to this. I met a charming young doctor on one of these apps who was very handsome, but the above statement summed him up perfectly. The sad thing is we were very much a match, though, not in this regard.