Hiv Positive and dating an Hiv Negative guy


  • Aug 19, 2014 3:14 PM GMT
    I am HIV Positive, and recently met a guy who is hiv negative. I immediately told him that I was positive, and he said that he was cool with it. However, it has been over a month and all we have done is kiss, even though he said he comfortable with blowjobs. His text messages seem overly compensatory. He constantly tells me what a great, honest guy I am.And he says that he likes me a lot. In his texts, he constantly tells me that he loves being with me, kissing and hugging me. Maybe,I am one who is insecured. Imput and suggestions pleaseicon_question.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 19, 2014 6:28 PM GMT
    Maybe he just doesn't want to rush into sex. A month is not that long really.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 20, 2014 2:25 AM GMT
    Ummm...it's only been a month.

    tumblr_inline_mpjn8cardA1qz4rgp.gif

    #hairflip

    Finish getting to know him before you lay with him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 20, 2014 4:33 AM GMT
    Why not date another HIV pos?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 20, 2014 9:18 AM GMT
    kevex saidWhy not date another HIV pos?


    That's rude and it comes across really like you want to segregate HIV positive people and tell them they ought to only date certain people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 20, 2014 3:14 PM GMT
    He may not be as comfortable with it as he says he is. Has he ever had penetrative sex with someone who is pos? If not, he maybe concerned with what safe sex practices entail. Sounds like you need ask some questions and be willing to teach.

    A lot of us neg guys say we are open minded about sex with a HIV pos person in theory but when the rubber (no pun intended) hits the road (hole? OK, pun intended)some serious concerns are raised.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 20, 2014 3:20 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said


    kevex saidWhy not date another HIV pos?

    ...it is possible for a sero-discordant couple to have a fulfilling sex life void of infecting the hiv- partner...



    My brother (neg) was in a relationship with a pos guy for 15 years and was never infected.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 20, 2014 3:44 PM GMT
    dannyboyUK said
    kevex saidWhy not date another HIV pos?


    That's rude and it comes across really like you want to segregate HIV positive people and tell them they ought to only date certain people.


    Twinkly 'Cat fight' lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 20, 2014 3:58 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said


    kevex saidWhy not date another HIV pos?

    ...it is possible for a sero-discordant couple to have a fulfilling sex life void of infecting the hiv- partner...



    My brother (neg) was in a relationship with a pos guy for 15 years and was never infected.


    I've had a relationship with me as HIV neg and he Hiv pos. together 3.5 years with good sex life. From my point of view it Worked due to

    1. He is a bottom therefore reduced risk
    2. We both had respect and care so we discussed sexual issues out of a feeling that we both had a right to have a fulfilling sex life and a monogamous relationship

    I think that if a bottom guy is HIV negative it is very different. It's not impossible to work and maintain their HIV status as neg-pos but requires more work. The HIV positive top needs to be aware that he is asking the bottom to risk his life so his behaviours and attitude is paramount. I would not judge a neg bottom Being honest and saying no, but neg tops while they should still take appropriate pre-cautions should not have any reason to be alarmed. HIV doesn't kill as quickly as it once did but it's not "almost harmless" and will take a toll on longevity and quality of life, even with appropriate health pre-cautions and that's a fact.
  • ASHDOD

    Posts: 1057

    Aug 20, 2014 6:32 PM GMT
    kevex saidWhy not date another HIV pos?


    deve ser que no eres mas estupido porque no tenes tiempo .
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Aug 20, 2014 11:33 PM GMT
    Sydneyrugbyjock73 said
    UndercoverMan said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said


    kevex saidWhy not date another HIV pos?

    ...it is possible for a sero-discordant couple to have a fulfilling sex life void of infecting the hiv- partner...



    My brother (neg) was in a relationship with a pos guy for 15 years and was never infected.


    I've had a relationship with me as HIV neg and he Hiv pos. together 3.5 years with good sex life. From my point of view it Worked due to

    1. He is a bottom therefore reduced risk
    2. We both had respect and care so we discussed sexual issues out of a feeling that we both had a right to have a fulfilling sex life and a monogamous relationship

    I think that if a bottom guy is HIV negative it is very different. It's not impossible to work and maintain their HIV status as neg-pos but requires more work. The HIV positive top needs to be aware that he is asking the bottom to risk his life so his behaviours and attitude is paramount. I would not judge a neg bottom Being honest and saying no, but neg tops while they should still take appropriate pre-cautions should not have any reason to be alarmed. HIV doesn't kill as quickly as it once did but it's not "almost harmless" and will take a toll on longevity and quality of life, even with appropriate health pre-cautions and that's a fact.


    I agree here. I feel the news is more laid bakc if the pos guy is a bottom as opposed to the opposite.

    To OP: I'd have a talk with him. Ask him if he is honestly okay with your status and it probably wouldn't hurt to ask if he's been with a pos guy before. After that, if things pan out well, just reassure him. Teach him how he can be safe with you. I mean, of course there is a risk still present but knowing how to prevent it will do a lot for a guy.

    It's very noble of you to be open and honest about your status. Not many guys are like that so thank you and I hope things work out. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 20, 2014 11:51 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidHe may not be as comfortable with it as he says he is. Has he ever had penetrative sex with someone who is pos? If not, he maybe concerned with what safe sex practices entail. Sounds like you need ask some questions and be willing to teach.

    A lot of us neg guys say we are open minded about sex with a HIV pos person in theory but when the rubber (no pun intended) hits the road (hole? OK, pun intended)some serious concerns are raised.


    I agree with this to an extent. I'm negative and just because to me it wouldn't be a deal breaker doesn't mean it's not something that wouldn't make me nervous first time round.

    Obviously it's not a deal breaker for him because you're together but perhaps he does have some trepidation about having sex especially if he's over thinking it by thinking he has to do it soon or you'll assume he is not ok with it. Just talk about it and let him know about what precautions can be taken to reduce risk of transmission and geez its only been a month don't rush the guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 21, 2014 10:06 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidHe may not be as comfortable with it as he says he is. Has he ever had penetrative sex with someone who is pos? If not, he maybe concerned with what safe sex practices entail. Sounds like you need ask some questions and be willing to teach.

    A lot of us neg guys say we are open minded about sex with a HIV pos person in theory but when the rubber (no pun intended) hits the road (hole? OK, pun intended)some serious concerns are raised.


    I think this is what's going on, speaking from personal experience.
  • NYCAthlete

    Posts: 132

    Aug 21, 2014 10:23 PM GMT
    I agree that he may be having a harder time being fully accepting of the situation. His heart and mind are obviously in the right place since you continue to date, but the reality of the situation is difficult to conquer.

    I would suggest speaking with him. Don't make it about having sex, make it about his comfort level and safety, and give him a safe place to talk to you without you judging what he says. If things really are going to progress, you can discuss Prep. That is also a big choice and something he'd have to decide, but it would provide more ease of mind and freedom.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Aug 26, 2014 7:30 AM GMT
    I know several couples where one is pos and one is neg. No one flipped or got infected. One has been together for 20 plus years.

    Sounds like he is just a little bit afraid but really likes you. I would say give him some space, dont push him. It need to happen when he fells comfortable with it. Keep going out, spending time together, and maybe the lust factor will take over for him.

    On the other hand, it could be one of those guys like the movie Jeffery who is miserable and dose not touch anyone because he is paralyzed with irrational fear. In that case, he probably wont get over it.

    Ask if he has dated anyone else pos before. Dose he have any CLOSE HIV Positive friends? Not just bar friend I mean real friends. Maybe he needs a little education.

    If not, maybe that is something you can do together. I dont know where you live, but in some big cities there used to be support or social groups for sero-different couples.

    Where I live, probably half the gay couples are either mixed or both pos. No one seems to care. And being around so many people who look normal and not sick is breaks down the stigma that some guys still have in their minds. It's almost like a friend saying "im left handed". It's interesting suprise for about 2 minutes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 26, 2014 11:07 PM GMT
    He doesn't want to rush into sex and taking it slow or he's thinking about having sex with you and the risks involved. I haven't dated anyone + so I wouldn't know how it feels. But if anything, I think you should respect his boundaries and try to not rush into it. Or just ask him straight up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 30, 2014 9:03 PM GMT
    No mention if you are undetectable or not. Would he consider PrEP? Either would reduce the anxiety level.

    Even if you use condoms 100% of the time, the reassurance factor alone is worth it.

    POZ guys are more honest about it. No one lies about having HIV. Since you live in NYC there is plenty of HIV information available. Maybe even counseling?

    You need to know his comfort and knowledge level. Is he familiar with the Partner's Study? [url]http://www.positivelite.com/component/zoo/tag/news/PARTNER%20study[/url] or the older 2011 HPTN052 http://www.catie.ca/en/treatmentupdate/treatmentupdate-185/prevention/htpn-052-trial-changed-everything?

  • Sep 24, 2014 4:35 PM GMT
    Thanks guys, for the imput and comments. they are appreciated!icon_biggrin.gif. I should mention that we are no longer seeing each other. I broke it off. I couldn't call him, only text. I never met any of his friends, and we only met at pier, never a real date. Thanks again guys..icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2014 4:46 PM GMT
    timmm55 said
    POZ guys are more honest about it. No one lies about having HIV.


    Are you on fucking crack dude or what??? How the hell do you think the spread of this disease continues? Sure, many guys don't know their status but a LARGE number of positive men don't give a shit who they give it to. In fact, some intentionally try to spread it to others because they are resentful of contracting it in the first place.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Sep 24, 2014 9:37 PM GMT
    Glad to hear you broke it off. The person you meet at the beginning will be the person you leave or stay with at the end. The problems you have in the beginning, will be the problems you have at the end.

    If he's such a flake that he says he is "ok" with your HIV positive status, but then won't pony up and play as he said he's comfortable doing, then he's all talk and no walk. In short, he's a FLAKE. I'm not focusing on the HIV issue here, it's that he, as a person, is a flake. Drop him. There are better.

    If you stay with a known flake, liar or cheater then:

    6505136c3f023a8dc501233831a3772a.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2014 9:45 PM GMT
    I had a boyfriend who was HIV+ for a year. Sex was always strained by his HIV status. He was terrified of me contracting it and of course it concerned me too. I'll probably never date anyone HIV+ again because it was such a dark cloud over our sex life. I don't want to have to wear a condom every time I have sex with my life partner.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2014 7:02 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    timmm55 said
    POZ guys are more honest about it. No one lies about having HIV.


    Are you on fucking crack dude or what??? How the hell do you think the spread of this disease continues? Sure, many guys don't know their status but a LARGE number of positive men don't give a shit who they give it to. In fact, some intentionally try to spread it to others because they are resentful of contracting it in the first place.


    (edit I meant to say HIV/U, it isn't the free pass "negative" is)

    Maybe you missed the qualifier "MORE". 80% of new infections are from people who don't know, don't get tested or haven't been tested recently.

    Roughly 50,000 new infections. 80% are from 'unknowns". That leaves 20%. That's 10,000 unaccounted for, yet there are 1 million people living with HIV. That's 1%.....not a large number. And much less if you account for condom failure rates of 20%. Other accidents? Not being fully HIV suppressed, needle sticks, blood exposure, etc.
    So your claim of a "LARGE" number of poz guys intentionally spreading HIV is suspect. Citation please?

    Georgia University Comes Under Fire for Warning About HIV-Positive Man on Campus

    "National and local leaders condemned an alarming public health alert as stigmatizing against those living with HIV."
    http://www.hivplusmag.com/stigma/2013/09/06/georgia-university-warning-about-hiv-positive-man-transmitting-hiv-comes-under?page=full
    Absolutely no proof, no victim, no perp....but simple scaremongering.

    We've often heard of the gift givers and the bug chasers (pretty much a myth, it exists but at a very low degree).

    Here's a different take on that similar theme, but is an indictment of our health care system ultimately.
    The Men Who Want AIDS?

    [quote][cite]The premise is that some young homeless men--desperate for shelter and food--intentionally get HIV to develop AIDS so they can qualify for government assistance: [/quote]
    http://blogs.poz.com/staff/2013/08/men_who_want_aids.html
    Remember that the 13-24 age group is UP 132%, how many are homeless? So they find a POZ partner and lie that they are POZ too? Who's being victimized here.

    Have there been intentional POZ people (some straight too) spreading HIV? Yes. Unfortunately. Becoming POZ doesn't make someone an HIV advocate (some do!) but there are sociopaths everywhere. Gay, straight, Poz, Neg. They are not the POZ norm. They are not normal people period. But criminalizing EVERY POZ person is stigmatizing and counter productive. It makes people NOT want to get tested.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 04, 2014 7:38 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidHe may not be as comfortable with it as he says he is. Has he ever had penetrative sex with someone who is pos? If not, he maybe concerned with what safe sex practices entail. Sounds like you need ask some questions and be willing to teach.

    A lot of us neg guys say we are open minded about sex with a HIV pos person in theory but when the rubber (no pun intended) hits the road (hole? OK, pun intended)some serious concerns are raised.


    !00%

    I'm POZ/U and it happens. I met this one Neg. guy, we had a great week together and he said, and seemed, totally cool with it.

    But sometimes the anxiety level builds up. It's not necessarily rational. But it is real. Sometimes you just gotta let it go, you have to respect that.

    (I dodged a bullet from him. He got an STD while in Ft. Lauderdale, after our week together. Initially he thought it could have been from me. In this age of HIV criminalizing I decided a Neg. person is just not worth it.)


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 05, 2014 4:43 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidI had a boyfriend who was HIV+ for a year. Sex was always strained by his HIV status. He was terrified of me contracting it and of course it concerned me too. I'll probably never date anyone HIV+ again because it was such a dark cloud over our sex life. I don't want to have to wear a condom every time I have sex with my life partner.

    We all must do our own personal risk assessment when we're HIV negative and STI-free. I fell in love with a guy who was poz. He told me his HIV status before we ever met, so I knew the situation. He never lied or deceived me about it, and that's important.

    Yeah, I had to think a lot about that. But we agreed to safe sex (he was the top and wore the condom). My real concern was that I might lose him suddenly to his disease, and that tragically is exactly what did happen. He unexpectedly contracted an opportunistic fatal AIDS disease, PML. I had dreamed we would always be together, but not how it played out.

    HIV does not frighten me personally, not as a disease, insofar as I know how to have safe sex. I lived with this guy for years, kissed him & slept with him every day, had sex with him. I'm still negative. But the uncertainty of the long-term future might be the greater issue for some negative guys.

    Poz patients are living longer than ever, a number of our friends are over 30 years now. And are so outwardly healthy that I forget they are poz at all, my husband sometimes has to remind me.

    Because it's not important information to me, it doesn't impact my feelings towards them. Like telling me they're right or left handed, or what religion they are, or whatever. "Oh, right, OK," when I'm told. Followed by a brain dump until I'm reminded the next time.

    I do know these can be important issues to THEM, and I respect that, but I myself don't dwell on it. It does not form my personal image of them. Not who they are to me, not how I identify them. Like being the "HIV guy" or the "Methodist guy" or whatever, I don't think that way.

    Anyway, each guy must evaluate this on his own terms, as I said. All I can relate is my own experience having had an HIV-poz partner. Take from it what you will.