Post-Breakup Depression. Any helpful advice is appreciated :)

  • skyjc

    Posts: 1

    Aug 19, 2014 6:29 PM GMT
    So me and my ex ended things around 4 weeks ago after the last few weeks of our relationship were full of nothing but distance and falling out. I'm still struggling with this so I'm here to ask for anyone's opinion on how to move forward. Here's the full story:

    We're both gay, I'm 19 and he's 20. He was my first real relationship. We started dating in May and everything was going great until he got drunk one night (a month after dating, and on my birthday too...) and a guy kissed him. It took him a week to tell me (which I understood took alot of courage, and I did appreciate his honesty) however we eventually started falling out because I felt insecure about the fact that something like this would happen so early in a relationship. We eventually decided that we did have feelings for each other however he didn't want to risk hurting me so we agreed to remove the relationship title however still act as a couple. I thought it was a way for him to get himself together and eventually fall back into a relationship with me however it didn't work and he decided it was best if we ended things completely because he couldn't do it. Obviously I was crushed but I couldn't force him to stay in any "relationship" he wouldn't be ready for. When we broke up he said it's possible that we could get back together down the road and that he promised I did nothing wrong. This got my hopes up but then I noticed he was back on Grindr and when I confronted him about it, he assured me it was only to make friends. Being deeply saddened and skeptical by this, knowing he used to sleep around alot because he's pretty attractive; I initiated NC for around 2 weeks. During that time he messaged me a week in asking me how I was doing but I just replied with short and casual texts. Another week went by and while I did make certain progress and started to learn how to live without him texting me constantly like we used to, I decided to text him back first this time just to be civil and to try and keep a friendship with him. We talked casually however long story short, one thing led to another and we eventually got back on the topic of our breakup and I asked him whether he still missed me or felt anything because I clearly still had feelings for him. He told me ever since our breakup he hasn't felt anything for me, and that he doesn't see anything happening again in the near future. As a result I just thanked him for his honesty and left it at that. I unfollowed him from social media so I can stop obsessing over him however his declaration of him losing his feelings for me shattered the hopes I had that he still feels the same way. He initially made me think there was still a chance for us and it's resulted in the most depressing end.

    I guess my question is - how can I move on? Do you guys think he just said that to help me move on (while he's been in tons of relationships before, he always said I was the first person who was different from the rest. I never used him for sex and I was the first person he claims to have tried this hard for him). Has anyone ever had an ex that rekindled anything after a long period of rebuilding and self-discovery? I know it's pretty pathetic to be asking this question but I've just been crushed because this was my first relationship and I put it all out there. Does it really get better? Do you all think there's still hope one day and that I asked what I did way too soon? Thank you so much for reading all this and I appreciate any responses I may get.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 19, 2014 7:34 PM GMT
    I'm heading to work so I have 1 min to reply, but:

    Has anyone ever had an ex that rekindled anything after a long period of rebuilding and self-discovery?

    Bad Idea. Terrible idea. It's over.

    I know it's pretty pathetic to be asking this question but I've just been crushed because this was my first relationship and I put it all out there. Does it really get better?

    FFS you're 19, yes it get's better. Go on reddit /relationships to read stories about breakups and advice, it helps me a lot!

    You think you feel bad? Imagine a couple with kids who has been together for 15 years and broke up due to cheating, now that's pain!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Aug 19, 2014 7:59 PM GMT
    Buddy, first love is very special and you should savor it even if it is pain at the moment. But, man, it was only about one month that you two were together. I hate to tell you but that was puppy love. The real thing is much better, much deeper, much more off the charts. You've still got that ahead of you. Still, I know it does hurt but let it go. Let him go.
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    Aug 19, 2014 10:01 PM GMT
    skyjc saidI guess my question is - how can I move on?

    Any loss, relationship or otherwise, is difficult. Loss results in grieving. And grieving is a cycle of ups and downs that over time, gets less and less. During this process, just own your emotions and let them go. Experience them and let the go. Let him go. Resisting the process makes it more painful. Learn to say good-bye. Do some good-bye rituals if you must. It'll help.
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    Aug 20, 2014 6:46 PM GMT
    In cases such as these and as much as I HATE trite sayings:

    Time will heal your wounds.

    Trust me. At your age you will be crushing on some other guy soon enough and won't be giving your ex a second thought.
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    Aug 20, 2014 6:59 PM GMT
    It takes time. Dunno, try to make new friends and try new hobbies. You know, distractions. You'll eventually get over it and find another special person.
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    Aug 20, 2014 10:20 PM GMT
    It's not depression. It's normal grieving.
    Be Ho estate about your emotions and acknowledge them but don't jet them control you. As overwhelming as they can feel it will eventually get better. I promise!
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    Aug 21, 2014 1:30 AM GMT
    Yea it sucks, they don't call it crushed for nothing. You need time, focus on a hobby and go meet several new people. For a while he will be popping back into your head, sometimes it's going to seem like you can't let go. It's going to sting for a while. Cut off all contact, photos, things that make you think of him have to go. Hit the gym and become obviously out of his league for the next time he sees you haha
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    Aug 21, 2014 3:22 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidBuddy, first love is very special and you should savor it even if it is pain at the moment. But, man, it was only about one month that you two were together. I hate to tell you but that was puppy love. The real thing is much better, much deeper, much more off the charts. You've still got that ahead of you. Still, I know it does hurt but let it go. Let him go.

    ^^^^ THIS
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Aug 21, 2014 6:07 AM GMT
    May done in Aug not a real relationship there. He jumped back on Grindr. Probably never left or was on another site. You stated he is 20 and been in a ton of relationships?? They were extended hook ups!! Yours might have been longer because you held on the most. He never wanted a boyfriend and at 20 he shouldn't. Most men aren't mature enought to handle a relationship. You might be different. You are young. It is a time in your life to find out who you are and what you want. It is a time for learning and self discovery. I might sound blunt, but I am a realist. Don't be depressed over something that was never really anything!
    Move on.
    Best regards,
    Mike
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    Aug 21, 2014 7:20 AM GMT
    Me and my boyfriend just broke up about a week ago because he says we are 2 different people after 6 months.. and he's in the army he was my first bf I ever had because I came out and its only been a week and a half ago since we split and he has another bf already I'm so heart broken by it and its so hard to get over but I just remind myself that there's someone out there that will love me for who I am.. but again yes its very hard to move on especially the fact he was my first boyfriend...
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    Aug 21, 2014 12:59 PM GMT
    Try not to think about him icon_smile.gif hang out with your friends, work harder, discover self peace.

    During that time that your distracting yourself, soon you will realize that he was just some guy that you met and you will no longer feel anything.

    Besides! we're both 19!! we're still young and have more to explore dude!
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    Aug 21, 2014 2:45 PM GMT
    Like others have said, this 'relationships' was about one month long. You started dating in May, you ended it four months ago (that puts it in the middle of July) so you're talking 4 - 6 weeks long. Relationship? No! Dating? Yes.

    This is what dating is for. To assess the person and to determine the suitability for a relationship. What is GOOD about this is that you've learned something about the other person and yourself. The next 'dating' experience you have (and the many after that) will only allow you to find someone even more compatible to your likings. You should NOT be depressed but instead by excited for what you learned and to prepare yourself for the next date.

    First loves seldom last because they're fogged with lust. You never got out of the lust phase of the relationship and already had issues. Perhaps the issues were yours to figure out, perhaps they were his or maybe you both share responsibility but bottom line, learn and move on. Dating is very important for this very reason. Depression comes after the dissolution of a true long term relationship. As you age, you'll better understand this but for now, listen to us older guys, we have experience and wisdom to share! Good luck.
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    Aug 21, 2014 2:46 PM GMT
    jsp808 saidMe and my boyfriend just broke up about a week ago because he says we are 2 different people after 6 months.. and he's in the army he was my first bf I ever had because I came out and its only been a week and a half ago since we split and he has another bf already I'm so heart broken by it and its so hard to get over but I just remind myself that there's someone out there that will love me for who I am.. but again yes its very hard to move on especially the fact he was my first boyfriend...

    Read my post to the OP, it applies to you also. Cheer up my friend….life is what's ahead, not behind you!
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    Aug 21, 2014 3:19 PM GMT
    When you reach my age you will look back and wonder what his name was. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    Aug 21, 2014 11:44 PM GMT
    kevex saidIt takes time. Dunno, try to make new friends and try new hobbies. You know, distractions. You'll eventually get over it and find another special person.


    These is how my mom treated my masturbation as a teenager. Take it from me...it did NOT work.
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    Aug 22, 2014 2:06 AM GMT
    keep moving forwards the best that you can, in a past relationship i was in this was a year ago and i was engaged to him and we remained friends until november i thought we were rebuilding our relationship i went to see him in october 2013 and he was all nice and stuff and then in november he turned around and became an asshole then a few months later he pretty much said he wanted nothing to do with me anymore so it hurt pretty bad and still does to this day. so now if he ever contacts me ill ignore his sorry excuse for a person and not bother with him
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    Aug 22, 2014 6:11 AM GMT
    Interesting question here. Was your ex an Irish boy? It's the hottest you will have. No others match it, not the Latinos, not the Italians, not the English, not the Germans (and I've experienced all of these)none of them will. It's hard for a black guy to get over sex with a true Irish boy. But, here is my black people and Irish people advice to you: get over it laddie! Pain is life and life is pain. Move on. Stop bitching boy! I know you are young but there is more possible love out there in the world. And as one black guy to another, resist the urge when you meet your next guy to compare him to the Irish boy you were in love with who is your ex now. You'll just self sabotage your potential future relationships. Ooops, I meant to add that if your ex wasn't Irish, then ignore everything I just said, hahaha. Just pay attention to the part about getting over it.
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    Aug 22, 2014 10:37 AM GMT
    declansloan saidInteresting question here. Was your ex an Irish boy? It's the hottest you will have. No others match it, not the Latinos, not the Italians, not the English, not the Germans (and I've experienced all of these)none of them will. It's hard for a black guy to get over sex with a true Irish boy. But, here is my black people and Irish people advice to you: get over it laddie! Pain is life and life is pain. Move on. Stop bitching boy! I know you are young but there is more possible love out there in the world. And as one black guy to another, resist the urge when you meet your next guy to compare him to the Irish boy you were in love with who is your ex now. You'll just self sabotage your potential future relationships. Ooops, I meant to add that if your ex wasn't Irish, then ignore everything I just said, hahaha. Just pay attention to the part about getting over it.

    Aren't Irish boys getting enough cocks that they needed to appoint a PR agent?