The sighs, frustrations, realizations, holes in the wall and... LOVE.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 7:35 PM GMT
    Ok, so.. here we go:

    For those of you who are in committed, monogamous, long-term relationships or those who have been in one/some... I need advice... a slap to the face.. or just a simple "you're a dumbass".

    If you have the time to read, keep reading... and if you're like ::SIGH:: then, um, don't read? Anyway.. here we go...

    I live with my boyfriend and our dog, we have a place... we have been together for a year now. In this one year, we have been through so much as a couple....

    Everything should be perfect, I should be totally happy...

    But I am paranoid/scared/fear that he will fuck me over and/or cheat on me in some way... AGAIN.

    I don't really want to hear a long tangent or lecture on why am I with someone I can't trust and blah, blah, blah...

    Let me explain:

    After the first month of "talking", he randomly brings up something weird and awkward... out of the blue.. he tells me that if, ever, I hear about him sleeping with someone-around that time, that it's a lie... he really likes me and is pissed off that some "fag" is spreading rumors about him and lying about them sleeping together... he says he confronted the guy and asked him why he was saying that stuff, and that guy was just disgruntled with his life and was confused and just wanted to make everyone else miserable, my boy tells him that he is taken and would appreciate it if he leave him alone and stop spreading that type of lies....

    I really don't think much about it, I think.. Oh well, SOME gay guys are conniving and scandalous like that... I believe him.. every word, afterall.. he has been pretty open with me and I dig him.. he has my attention...

    Three months later, one night.. he starts crying when we are on the phone... I ask him over and over again what is going on and he gives me this whole speech on how great I am and how good of a person I am and how special I am.... and that he doesn't deserve me.. I'm like, what!? He then tells me he noticed weird bumps in his pelvic/pubic area... he had a nurse friend check them out and that his friend said they were genital warts.... he is freaking out and scared and tells me that it was good knowing me, he knew i was going to dump him....

    At this point, I was already madly in love with him.. I tell him, Oh well. I don't know what i'm saying... really.. I love this guy and well, i'm down for him... I want him no matter what... I stick by his side and assure him i'm not going no where.... I don't see or realize any affiliation or connection concerning this with anything... I think to myself, it was probably his nasty ex who gave them to him.. ew....

    He then gets it checked out by an actual doctor.. says it's a heat rash of some sort or whatever and that it can be frozen off.. he is relieved and glad and happy that I stuck by him, it showed how much i'm serious about us...

    I don't know about rashes or whatever, but it's irrelevant... I was just going to hold back on being intimate with him for a while... at this point we stilld hadn't done more than kissing...

    For the next two months I am happy, everything is awesome... we end up talking about a certain group that wants to recruit me, he says beware... then gives me a story about his experience with them... within the same conversation he changes a couple of details.. and not little ones... he pretty much makes shit up.. so I call him out on it and get pissed off, first time getting this pissed off at him.. I loathe compulsive liars.. and especially when people lie right to your face...

    I ignore him for two days...

    I then re-think a lot about stuff he's told me and the whole incedent with the rumor spreader comes to mind.. I then ask him about it again, if he lied about something so small and stupid.. he had to lie about this.. it was too fishy...

    Turns out, he did cheat on me... he slept with that guy.. he was an old "play" buddy...

    I am about to break up with him...

    I can't.

    I just can't.... he is sorry and ashamed... he didn't tell me cause he feared it would ruin our future.. the potential... he messed up.. but he wasn't going to let it effect us...

    I forgive him... he swears up and down he will never lie to me or cheat on me...

    I then realize it was that nasty creature he slept with that gave him the "rash"... he was the last person he had slept with... ewww...

    time passes and things seem to be getting better...

    he goes back home to spend time with his family for 3 weeks...

    it sucks being apart from him. He is in the closet and he can't call me or txt me much.... I hate it...

    I have this really ugly feeling about all this.... I take it upon myself to check his emai.. .RED FLAG.. I know.. I am no one to invade his privacy.. but we technically have nothing to hide from one another... he has sent messages to weird emails with words like "stud" and "big" in them.. I am shocked and my heart is at my feet at this point.. I open the emails and they are pictures of him...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 7:39 PM GMT
    OH BOO....

    It cut me off...

    UGH!

    I will retype this laaaater. Hmph!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 12, 2009 8:53 PM GMT
    {Sigh} ...... icon_confused.gif




    What do you want us to say? STAY with this ass???? icon_rolleyes.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 9:37 PM GMT
    CONTINUED:

    Ok so where was I....

    I found out he was sending pics of himself to other men... both my jaw and heart were at my feet.. I was so shocked.. I wasn't hurt nor pissed.. all I could think and say was, "wow, this bastard thinks he's real slick...".

    I don't know how to bring it up.. I technically invaded his privacy so it would be hard to just say it.. I asked simple questions.. has he been talking to other guys.. he SWEARS TO GOD he isn't and doesn't know where all this is coming from.. he starts to cry... PATHETIC!... I ask him again, and he swears to god.. I then drop the bomb... and then total silent.. he is shocked that I know... he didn't expect it... I tore him a new one.. I bitched at him for about an hour and all he could say was, "you're right.. i'm a piece of shit".... I wanted him to feel like shit so I didn't break up with him.. I kept at it... I wanted him to feel miserable... But to no prevail, I still forgave him...

    He learned, eventually... he came out to one of his cousins (self-willingly), told her about me, he deleted his myspace account, and he did a lot more stuff... even took the internet off his phone.,.. he wanted me to make sure that he wasn't going to fuck up again...

    And since then... the only problems that keep occuring are my paranoia and my fears... I have major trust issues now... we fight all the time because I accuse him... of everything under the sun. It's bad. I know.

    We have our own place, a dog, he's met my family (they love him), and all our friends are literally jealous of our relationship... but they don't know about OUR problems we have dealt with, because they're between us...

    So.. do YOU think people can change? Can you forgive someone who has fucked up more than once? I know it isn't certain or guaranteed that he won't fuck up again... but.. do people deserve more than one "another" chance???

    He has did a 360 with his life before he met me... when I met him he had just started his "new" life.. and I became a part of it.. before me, he was "crazy"... he let go of all that....

    I sometimes wonder if change can come that quick... do old habits die hard? I guess only time will tell....it all depends on the person...

    But what I initially came here for was advice...

    What do you do to let go of all the silly thoughts and paranoia, AFTER, you've dealt with infidelity??


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 11:50 PM GMT
    Been in this type of roller coaster relationship. First off, in the beginning when he was cheating on you it was probably with more than the one guy. Also chances are those were gentail warts, best to keep an eye out for them, they do re-occur and no cure for them.

    People can change. It does take time, and often thier is a mistake or two made along the way. However this is really rare. If he did change you are very lucky. You have the right to be cautious. Your trust was violated more than once and no one can easily forgive or forget.

    I suggest counseling. It may help both of you past this. No matter what, give yourself a break. He screwed up NOT you. Give yourself time to heal from the pain.

    Also keep talking to him. Keep the conversations civil and you will get farther. You need his words and ACTIONS to help the healing process as well.

    Last, make sure finacially and such you are prepared to deal with a break-up if he slips up again. At this point you also have the right to watch out for yourself.

    Good luck and god bless
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2009 11:52 PM GMT
    Ooo boy... Well, I think the best way for you to deal with situation is to give yourself a "time out". Be alone for a while, and otherwise hang out with friends and family to give yourself some grounded experiences.

    Look at things outside your head: most men do not finish the physical maturing process until about 25, and most don't understand about serious relationships - and all the real warts that they may include - until they reach their thirties. So 21 is, realistically speaking and with few exceptions, too young for the whole settle-down-and-move-in-with-the-boyfriend routine. Seems to me you both, for different reasons, have more maturing to do. In the meantime, avoid closeted men, come out yourself (if that is still on the agenda for you), and stick to having affairs and flings until you are really "ready" for something serious. Give yourself time. You are young at 21 (so your profile says), and you have many more years ahead you, and - most likely - many more men to meet. (Exciting!)

    Maybe what I said isn't what you want to hear - but I say it to encourage you to grasp the big picture on your situation and to give yourself a chance to personally develop more. Think of careers, education, making all kinds of contacts and new friends.

    Love, lust, attachment, dependency, trust and forgiveness. All things for us to think and learn about.

    Learn more about yourself too.

    And with respect to your bf, you deserve better. So dump this guy and move on...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2009 12:01 AM GMT
    Dump him. This will go on and on, the pattern repeating over and over. It will not improve. And exposing you to an STD through his cheating is unforgivable.

    You aren't happy, you're being taken advantage of, so you need to cut out this cancer and move on. Don't feel guilty -- the fault is his, and any pain he suffers is his own doing, not yours. Don't let him try to make you share the blame, which I suspect he'll try. Make the break quick & clean.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2009 12:56 AM GMT
    Gosh, it sounds like you like high drama and being miserable. Given all the drama you talked about, you should probably consider a new direction in your life.

    Are you seeking the blessings of strangers on your personal relationship?

    Only you know what's best for you here. If you're ready to end it, you'll know. You'll say "I've had enough" and move on. If not, you'll continue, and you'll either like the situation, or not.

    Only YOU have the power to change all this.

    It sounds to me like you might be compulsive about the boyfriend / lover / guy and that's probably not all that healthy.

    These are choices you are going to have to make for yourself, based upon the pros and cons of your relationship as you see them.

    You may wish to go work with a professional counselor who can give you more qualified advice, based on more information.

    At first glance, though, and given all the high drama, I think you may wish to move on.
  • JohnDallas

    Posts: 87

    Jan 13, 2009 1:26 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidDump him. This will go on and on, the pattern repeating over and over. It will not improve. And exposing you to an STD through his cheating is unforgivable.

    You aren't happy, you're being taken advantage of, so you need to cut out this cancer and move on. Don't feel guilty -- the fault is his, and any pain he suffers is his own doing, not yours. Don't let him try to make you share the blame, which I suspect he'll try. Make the break quick & clean.


    He is giving you the best advice. With the exception of the STD's I was in this exact situation. Guys don't change that easily. If he is like my guy now that the Internet is gone he is meeting guys on the phoneline. Or using the internet at his work. The stories I could tell you of all the shit I have been through. Do yourself a favor and let him go. Yes he will cry and make you tons of promises. He more than likely will not change despite the fact that he may want to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2009 3:51 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the replies...

    I appreciate the feedback.

    Yes, I am 21 years old... my boyfriend is 26.

    I am out of the closet, he isn't. But he isn't "curious" or confused.. he is gay. He acknowledges it... he's just from a backwater town in the bible belt. Aren't they all? Ha!

    This man has put me through so many ups and downs. It's no wonder I am so bipolar. I know I get angry and freak out and make accusations out of the blue and for no reason... but I have explained the situations i've had to deal with...

    One shouldn't have to learn to trust someone again more than thrice, twice, even once...

    BUT.. I made that decision to look past all the bullshit. Relationships take maintenance and a lot of work. People fuck up.

    I'm not covering for his ass, I just know (the perspective) on how to make a relationship work... but situations dictate and we don't all have the fairy tale relationships we all so badly want.

    My main and top concern/worry is INFIDELITY, and it shouldn't be! I mean, hell, why can't I worry about what's for dinner or what will we wear to church on Sunday? I worry about, "I bet he is talking to someone at work, I bet he has an online account on _____, He's fucking cheating on me, I just know it",,,,

    CRAZY!

    My thoughts are so irrational.

    I'm not psycho or anything like that, I just think it's kinda weird how my mind is such a pessimist. This man, he is lying right behind me -asleep, on our fouton as I sit on the floor near him typing this...

    As long as his phone is not around, he's not on the computer, and he's within my view... I am totally ok and content... it's when he's gone or somewhere else is when the mental diarrhea begins..

    Counseling? Perhaps, I may need....

    I mean, I guess i'm so jaded and was fucked over so badly that I can't gain peace... at all... It's keeping me from being happy... I will surely have grey hair by age 25... ahhhhh!

    It's so easy to forget and act like everything is just fine when you're the one that fucked up... but what about the person who has to deal and carry that burden.. the one who has to turn the cheek and act peachy keen?! I've used that question on him once or twice...

    I know it's a personal choice and decision about staying and putting up/looking past someone's mistakes...

    But is there ever any closure... will the dust ever settle?

    I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.. I am young in age, but I know what I want.. and a loving relationship is where I want to be... It's just hard to get past all the fuck ups he's made...

    It's like being stuck in purgatory.

    A lot of people say, dump his ass... a lot say, you have a good man (these people only know all the good things, not every thing i've dealt with personally)...

    BLAAAAAAAAAH.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2009 4:06 AM GMT
    It sounds like he is like my first bf. I dated him at the same age. He used me, manipulated me, and did some other horrible thigns to me. I'm still dealing with trust issues because of it. I had to completely cut him out of my life. From what you're describing, it sounds like you need to do the same thing. You'll have lots of time to meet someone who treats you the way you should be treated. I ended up finding a guy like that shortly after I dumped the guy I just described to you.

    You'd best be served by walking away
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2009 6:47 AM GMT
    Passive-Aggressive manipulator and a compulsive liar to boot. If he says he changed, well... I dunno... trust takes a while to earn and he damn better earn it not bullshit his way into it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2009 9:21 PM GMT
    like draws like. crazy is as crazy does.

    the point is, he is crazy, obviously. apparently you are also crazy (e.g., you invaded his privacy and stayed with him even though you obviously hate what he is doing).

    you're both crazy. stay together. be each other's crazy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2009 12:53 AM GMT
    Why would you spend a minute more with this asshole? He cheats on you and he plans to cheat again. Dump the mother fucker. You aren't jaded, or in need of counseling. You are a babe in the woods and the woods just nearly gave you an STI.

    Dump the mother fucker. You don't need that piece of shit trying to get you infected in your life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2009 7:54 PM GMT
    rezdylan saidlike draws like. crazy is as crazy does.

    the point is, he is crazy, obviously. apparently you are also crazy (e.g., you invaded his privacy and stayed with him even though you obviously hate what he is doing).

    you're both crazy. stay together. be each other's crazy.


    Like attracts like, eh?

    Not exactly.

    Interesting analogy though. Reminds me of Law of Attraction.

    But I don't think that's what you're referring to.

    I am not crazy, nor naive. I am human though. I make mistakes.

    I am in this relationship that's had a REALLY rocky start/past... and things aren't exactly unstable anymore (to my knowledge)... I'm just saying I have really bad trust issues now and they're only getting worse and worse...

    Counseling is something I have considered... but then again, is it really me that needs to be unfucked? Am I the one that is broken?

    When you make big decisions, you have to deal with the outcomes...

    I made the big decision to forgive and turn the cheek, try to forget... but the wounds haven't healed no matter how much he's tried to show me how much he is sorry and wants to show me he's locked-on... so that's when I feel guilty.. he's done so much, yet I am the paranoid, bi-polar, bitchy boyfriend....am I to blame?

    Most of you say dumb the bastard... haha

    But it's hard when you are being told to dump the perfect man... despite all the bullshit....

    I probably have the title of "ESTUPIDA" (stupid bitch) on my forehead... but.. well.. it isn't exactly the easiest thing to do...

    I have strong feelings/emotions for this motherfucker.. and he's been such a great boyfriend.. My mom even tells me i'm dumb for fighting for him (what the fuck does she know? All she knows is everythung BUT the bad shit..)...

    Which is another question:

    Despite your closest friends or people of choice, is it right or just one of those necessary things to do in a relationship... Do you/Should you tell anyone about the problems in your relationship? Or should you keep it between the two of you?

    Everything until now has been between us two.. I guess that's why it's been harder to deal with myself.. having to figure out what I should do.. no outlet.. just rage and confusion going on... blah..




  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    Jan 16, 2009 8:16 PM GMT
    Leave him. It's it really even a question? Dump his ass.